Uncle Sal and the Handcuffed House-Sitter (Episode 112)

Uncle Sal opened the door and saw Xavier Matuszak on his front step. He looked at his Ornery Octopus watch and said, "Tooz, you're right on time." When Tooz stepped inside, Uncle Sal said, "I really appreciate you house-sitting for me. I wouldn't want to miss the hot rod golf cart rally in Nevada. And you can't be too careful these days."

Tooz nodded as Uncle Sal started guiding him through the place. "I want you to feel free to use anything in the house, with some rules of course. Use the computer, but don't download anything onta my computer that's gonna get me in trouble. And I got the satellite television, so you wanna watch Canadian rodeo, or caber toss from Scotland, you can find it."

Sal led him through the rest of the house and finally came to the bar. Uncle Sal prepared two highballs and handed one to Tooz. "Now, you wanna have people over, that's fine. I got plenty of alcohol for 'em. Only thing I ask is that you replace any bottle ya empty. Seems only the gentlemanly thing to do, you know."

Tooz's attention was drawn to something across the room. He walked to it and said, "Is that what I think it is?"

"That's right. It's a Wade glockenspiel. The only glockenspiel made right here inna US of A. I just got it." Seeing the look in Tooz's eyes as he reached for the glockenspiel hammer, Uncle Sal said, "Oh no. You can drink my booze, have people over, and watch all the Canadian rodeo you want. You can do anything but stay offa my new Wade, Tooz."

This episode featured:
Mel A. Tonin as Uncle Sal
Jerry Garciaparra as Xavier "Tooz" Matuszak
and
Jellybean Merengue as the glockenspiel hammer.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Anywhere is in walking distance if you have the time."

Buckeyes 30, Fighting Illini 0

Photo of Dan Herron running (courtesy of the offensive line) by Jeff Mills.

Another game, another shutout. But since the Buckeyes only won by 30, that should be good for a 3-spot drop in the polls. The Buckeyes keep up this pace and they are liable to drop out of the top 25 completely.
The Good
Offense
The Buckeyes scored 30 points and only had 13 passes in the game. First of all, you don't see stats like that very often. Secondly, if you can score 30 points when everyone on the other side knows what you are going to do, you must be doing something right. The Buckeyes had 3 players (Herron, Saine, Pryor) average at least 5.4 yards per carry. That tells you that the offensive line did its job. OK, so maybe it was the kind of offense that set football back 30 years, but it worked. If the Buckeyes can roll up 30 points using Army's playbook, I'm all for it.
Defense
Are you kidding me? Two consecutive shutouts. That in itself is incredible. But take an even longer view and you'll see that OSU's opponents have scored 18 points. In other words, in that span, the defense has surrendered nearly half as many points as that team up north allowed to Indiana today. Oh, and Brian Rolle is a freak. Ditto Doug Worthington who got a sack by jumping over an offensive lineman. That was the best play of the game. And no, I won't be jumping off the Thad Gibson bandwagon anytime soon. And how about that interception by Lawrence Wilson. He was held, tipped the ball and intercepted it. Very impressive.
The Bad
Offense
Well, it didn't take long to see the bad on offense. One yard on the first series? Way to keep Juice Williams off the field. Pryor is, well, how to say this delicately? He is still very raw. I'm not sure he has a grasp on when to run and when to make plays with his arm. His throws often have very little on them, and he makes far too many poor decisions. Like that play late in the game when the Buckeyes were driving and TP nearly threw an interception at the goal line.
Defense
There is not a lot to put here after another shutout. That being said, Chimdi Chekwa is shaky at best. He actually did the right thing by committing pass interference late in the 1st half (after Ray Small's fumbled punt return), but I'm not sure it was what he really meant to do.
The Ugly
This game is proof that a 30-point shutout does not equal perfection. The Buckeyes lost 2 of 3 fumbles. Ray Small's fumble was more than a little nerve-wracking. That was the sort of play that can turn a game. Luckily it didn't, but not for a lack of trying. On the next play Juice went deep and got a pass interference call against Chekwa.
Under the Radar Player of the Game
There are a lot of good candidates here. Todd Denlinger had some really solid stops in the first half. Any of the defenders mentioned in The Good would be a decent selection. However, when an offense rolls up more than 200 rushing yards, you have to give credit to the offensive line, and that is exactly what I am doing with the UtR players of the game.

Ummm...yeaaaaah

This just in: Ron Zook just called a very short press conference. He went to the podium and made one simple statement. Yes, you're right. All press conferences should be this short. Here is the transcript of the press conference in its entirety. "Ummmm...yeaaaaaah...Buckeyes, if you could go ahead and bring that offense you used against USC, that would be greaaaaaat. Thanks."

Buckeyes win by 38, drop 2 spots in AP poll

In the new AP poll, the Buckeyes have dropped from #11 to #13. Huh? So, let me get this straight. The Buckeyes, who have been criticized for the inability to put away lesser opponents, go out and beat Toledo 38-0. And that is not enough for the team just to maintain its position in the polls? Exactly what do the Buckeyes have to do? Would it have helped if the Buckeyes won 73-0? Would that have been enough to keep them from falling in the polls?

Not to play the "everybody hates Ohio State" card, but can you imagine this happening to any other team? Georgia, for example, beat unranked Arkansas by 11. Maybe Arkansas is better than Toledo, but Georgia gave up 41 points to an unranked team and still managed to move up 2 spots from 23 to 21. North Carolina beat East Carolina by 2 touchdowns and moved up 2 spots. And for crying out loud, Houston was idle this weekend and moved up 4 spots. There are only a couple explanations for this: either Mark May had every vote in the AP poll this week, or this is all part of the International Wolverine Conspiracy.

Uncle Sal and the Nasty Namesake (Episode 111)

Uncle Sal entered the Turn Your Head and Coffee shop, and saw Joe there, tipping Irish whiskey from a Chief Wahoo flask into his coffee.

"Yer late," Joe said, prompting Uncle Sal to look at his Onionhead Otter watch. Uncle Sal shrugged as he called out his order to his favorite barista Natalie. "By the way, where were ya last night? Tried callin' ya because we got a poker game together on the spur of the moment."

"I went to see this musician, supposed to be the next coming of Hugh Beezus."

"Hugh Beezus? Who's that?"

"He was this one-man band. Ya shoulda seen him. With one foot, he worked a cymbal, with the other, he worked a bass drum. Then he had a drumstick in his strumming hand so he could play a snare while he played guitar. To top it all off, when he wasn't singin', he was playin' a kazoo or a harmonica. Anyway, this guy last night, he's even named after Beezus. Hughbeezus Tartuffery is the guy's name. Well, this clown gets on stage and ya can tell he's been hitting the sauce. As he takes his seat, he stumbles, puts his foot right through the bass drum. You'd think the show can only get better from there. It didn't. Guy was out of tune, he forgot words. He cursed at the audience. Finally, he got booed off the stage."

"So, you didn't find him to be the reincarnation?"

"Let's just say, they ain't making Hughs like Beezus anymore."

This episode featured:
"Cuppa" Joe Mudway as Uncle Sal
Gus Driver as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Chief Wahoo flask.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I left barber college searchin' for knowledge."

Thanks to Kinky Friedman for inspiring the final line of this episode.

Buckeyes 38, Rockets 0

This was a game of surprises. No, I haven't grown so jaded that I thought the Buckeyes would lose to Toledo. However, I did think that in the spirit of the Buckeyes, the game would be much closer. (I predicted 23-13 before kickoff.) Perhaps the biggest surprise of all is the fact that all of the surprises in the game were pleasant.
The Good
Offense
OK, now I know that the defenses of Toledo and USC are leagues apart, but there was a much different approach to this game than there was to the game against the Trojans. Last week, the Buckeyes looked like a team that was truly afraid to get a first down, or even advance the ball at all. There certainly was nothing like that in this game. I had no idea the Buckeyes were capable of 500+ yards in a game. Did you honestly expect you would see the following from Ohio State: rollouts, QB draws, deep passes over the defense, passing on 1st down, passing in the red zone? Neither did I. And yet, that's exactly what we the fans were treated to. We were treated to an offense that wasn't afraid to actually try things to move the ball down the field. Amazing what can happen when the offense looks beyond page 1 of the playbook. Terrelle Pryor looked (more) like the player who has been advertised since he committed to Ohio State. It was nice to see what the kid can do if he is allowed to use his abilities. Brandon Saine looked pretty good. So did Jordan Hall. In fact, I am looking forward to seeing a lot more of Hall. The offensive line was good, and Dane Sanzenbacher had an awesome game. I can't remember the last time the Buckeyes had a 70+ yard TD pass.
Defense
Well, the Buckeyes pitched a shutout. What more can you say about that? Brian Rolle is clearly the linchpin of this defense. Heyward had a really solid game. So did Chimdi Chekwa. (I know. I don't say that very often.) I wouldn't mind seeing more of Nathan Williams. That dude plays hard and seems to find the ball.
The Bad
TP's second interception was pretty silly. Not only did he throw it off of his back foot, but he also threw into double coverage. TP, there is no shame in lobbing the ball 10 yards out of bounds in a situation like that.
Defense
None.
The Ugly
Offense
You would think that in a 38-0 game, I wouldn't have anything to put in the ugly. You'd be wrong. The Buckeyes had 4 false start penalties. Really. And they spread them around. If I remember correctly, each penalty was committed by a different offensive lineman. I don't know that I've ever seen anything quite like that.
Defense
None.
Under the Radar Player of the Game
In a game like this, it is often hard to pinpoint a player who fits the criteria of this distinction. After all, the game was never in doubt, so how can you say who did something unnoticed to help the Buckeyes win? Which makes this the perfect opportunity to recognize a player I haven't always praised. Chimdi Chekwa broke up 2 downfield passes that could have been big plays, and for that, he is the UtR player of the game.
Afterword
Good news and bad news. The good news is that USC lost, and that's always good. Let's face it, the Buckeyes are not making the BCS championship game, so it doesn't really matter if Buckeyes opponents are good or not. The bad news is that Washington (yes, the W on the helmet also stood for Winless last season) finished what the Buckeyes could not. Ruminate on that for a moment. But keep your chin up, Trojan fan. USC probably will only drop 1 or 2 spots. You know, like when the Trojans lost to Stanford. At home.

Uncle Sal and the Addicted Artisan (Episode 110)

Uncle Sal glanced at his Raunchy Rhino watch as he steered the Dodge Dart past a building identified as Cashin.

" I never seen that sign before. The heck is Cashin?"

Giacomo put his Alexander the Great Pez dispenser into his shirt pocket and said, "They make digeridoos."

"Really? There's a company makes digeridoos right here in town?"

"Yeah, as a matter of fact, a friend of mine from high school works there. Guy named Ozzie Mattiace. Well, actually, he's on a medical leave of absence at the moment. That's what they're officially calling it anyway. He's really in rehab."

"Rehab? Ya mean for booze? Or drugs?"

"For pills, yeah. He was having a lot of pain in his wrists, you know from hollowing out the wood for the digeridoos. He got to the point where he could barely hold a cup of coffee, let alone make an instrument. So, he tells his boss about the whole situation and the boss refers him to a doctor. You know how our medical system works. This doctor just loaded him up on pain medications and sent him back to work. Ozzie was able to do the job again, but he was popping those pain pills like they were going out of style and got hooked on them."

"Ya gotta feel for the guy. I mean, he's just trying to do a job and then after he goes to the doctor, he becomes a medicated hollower of Cashins."

This episode featured:

Thad Samoray as Uncle Sal

Digger Spade as Giacomo

and

Jellybean Merengue as the Alexander the Great Pez dispenser.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Even businessmen, who rob and cheat and steal from people everyday, even they have to pay taxes!

Trojans 18, Buckeyes 15

This is never easy after a loss. However, this one somehow seems easier to swallow. Maybe that's because I've learned to recognize the symptoms of a Buckeyes surrender. For instance, when the Buckeyes were leading 12-10 and driving down the field, I knew they would end up with a field goal attempt. Then, when USC reached midfield on the final TD drive, I knew they would score and the game would be over.

Once, just once, I would like to see a Buckeyes team play with heart for 4 quarters. You know, like it used to when it had players like Hawk and Carpenter. Unfortunately, those days are gone. Loyal reader, from now on, I want you to hold me to something. Whenever the Buckeyes play a big game, I will assume a loss. That way, if they do somehow manage to win the game, it will be a pleasant surprise to me. Do you realize what we have become? We have become Tennessee Volunteer fans. How, you ask? Well, no team is more familiar with having the season end in September than UT because that is when the Vols play the Gators.
The Good
Offense
This is easy. ALL of the good for the offense was in the 1st quarter. Clearly, you want to avoid having too much offensive success. That is why after a successful quarter, you just shut down the offense and try to manage a field goal when you can.
Defense
The defense played really well. For 53 minutes. Gibson, Homan and Rolle all had very good games.
The Bad
Offense
Pretty much everything after the 1st quarter fits here.
Defense
See The Ugly.
The Ugly
Offense
You know, for all the hype Terrelle Pryor gets, I can't say he is living up to any of it at the moment. He was more reminiscent of Stanley Jackson, than say, Vince Young. He often does not throw a very good ball. His decision on the interception was terrible. Ditto the almost fumble when he decided to pitch to a guy as he was going to the ground. Even better that the running back wasn't expecting the pitch.
Defense
I have no idea how the defense can play so well for 53 minutes and then just fold. Payday McKnight had been completely bottled up until that last TD drive. So had Spencer Pratt...erm, Matt Barkley. I mean, for crying out loud, the defense held the mighty mighty Peters...erm, Trojans to 5 yards in the 1st quarter. How then, do all the players fold so easily when the game is on the line?
Under the Radar player of the game
Well, you could make an argument that just about any player in the game was under the radar. Certainly, if we're going to award this to a player for this game, it would have to be a defensive player. So, without further ado, your Under the Radar player of the game is Thad Gibson.

LA Times piece about Terrelle Pryor

Check out this piece about TP in the LA Times. Petey calls him "untackleable."

Uncle Sal and the Irksome Investor (Episode 109)

Inside the Root Hog or Diner, Uncle Sal looked at his Grizzled Gopher watch as he slid into the booth across from his old classmate's son Quentin Rotter. He was right on time. He hadn't even gotten the seat warm when Quentin started talking about how his real estate holdings were doing. Uncle Sal held up his hand and said, "Yer gonna hafta hold yer horses on that. At least let me get a beverage in fronta me before ya start givin' me all that mess."

Quentin looked a little wounded, but Uncle Sal wasn't concerned. He picked up a menu and said, "Know what sounds good? A hot pastrami sammich and a Cajun martini."

Quentin moved the jar of relish to the edge of the table with the other condiments and said, "I've been looking at this new property, in Panama."

Uncle Sal just looked at the guy. He wondered why he had ever told Fergus that he would meet with this single-minded son of his. "Just meet with him. Maybe he can give you some tips on finding a vacation home," Fergus had told him. "You know who you remind me of? You remind me of this guy called David Raabe."

"Wait, did you say Ray-bee? Let me guess. R-A-A-B-E."

Uncle Sal glowered at the guy. That waitress couldn't bring him a Cajun martini quickly enough. "Yeah. Anyway, this guy Raabe is always talking about the money he makes from real estate. One time, he was talking to a friend of mine Ralph Butzen about how he had bought some house for a song and now it's worth triple what he paid for it. Only, he wasn't just talking. He was giving all kinda mathematical formulas about how we could do the same thing, if only we were willing to be just as boring as him. He even drew some charts and graphs on a cocktail napkin. Lemme tell ya, it didn't take long for Ralph to get tired of it. I think he has less patience for it than I do. After a few minutes, Ralph crumples the cocktail napkin, sticks it in his pocket. Then he grabs Raabe by the back of the shirt and leads him to the door. Raabe tries to protest, but Ralph just points to the door and doesn't say a word."

"Really? That's pretty rude. You mean he just..."

"That's right. He decided to show out the Raabe with the math, Rotter."

This episode featured:
"Vanilla" Rafer Cuyler as Uncle Sal
Bo Ringenberg as Quentin Potter
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jar of relish.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "You put on your black dress, and I'll go shave my tongue."

Buckeyes 31, Midshipmen 27

[Photo of Brian Rolle by Jeff Mills]
Ah yes, there is nothing quite like the first Buckeyes game of the season to inspire hysteria. It is truly one of the things the Buckeyes do best. That's where I come in...to at least attempt to be the voice of reason. So, back away from that ledge, put away that ladder and industrial-strength extension cord. And for crying out loud, do not take that toaster into the bathtub with you. Oh, and Mark May? Put away that barbecue fork because the Buckeyes are not done yet. Doctor Gary is here to help.

Let's look at some facts. First, Ohio State did not schedule a patsy. This is not Charleston Southern, Louisiana-Monroe, or San Jose State. Navy is a team that wins 8 games a year. Granted, some of those wins are against lesser opponents like Army, Air Force, and Notre Dame, but there are a lot of teams that would love to win 8 games. (Yes, I am looking in your direction, Ann Arbor.)

Second, Ohio State will be better equipped to deal with other offenses this season. How can I say that after such a lackluster performance? The Buckeyes do not face many teams that run the triple-option. And let's face it, it is tough to stop a good option game. I dare say that Navy probably has the best option game in college football. Now, teams like USC and Penn State have way better players than Navy, but I think the Buckeyes are in a better position against more common offenses. Whether they execute is another question altogether.

The Good
Offense
Terrelle Pryor had a really solid game. He completed 2/3 of his passes and really only had one mistake. And let me just throw this out there. Am I the only one surprised by the fact that TP had more than 12 pass attempts? And don't even try to tell me that I'm the only one surprised by the fact that the Buckeyes threw so many times on first down. I didn't even realize that was allowed at The Ohio State University. Brandon Saine had a good game, making the most of when he got the ball. Dan Herron had a good, but not great game.
Defense
Erm, well, Kurt Coleman forcing two turnovers was pretty good. Aside from that, Brian Rolle was pretty much the lone defensive bright spot.

The Bad
Offense
There was one drive where the offense just imploded. I mean, false start, delay of game, and then holding? Consecutively? Well done indeed.
Defense
The 1st drive, the 4th quarter, 3rd downs, no pressure on the QB, allowing an 85-yard pass to Navy, allowing a 99-yard drive by Navy. I think you get the idea.

The Ugly
Offense
I think we all know what goes here. That 4th down play in the 4th quarter. And the thing is, it was so unlike Tressel to not go for the points. It was an uninspired play, poorly executed and I'm willing to bet the Buckeyes don't attempt another 4th down conversion all year.
Defense
I'm not quite sure what Anderson Russell was doing on that 85-yard TD play. Then again, I'm not sure he knew either. What I do know is that Navy's offense is not designed for quick-strike capability.

The Under the Radar Player of the Game
OK, so he wasn't really under the radar after intercepting the 2-point conversion and returning it for 2 points (and thereby preventing overtime). However, as I mentioned before, Brian Rolle was the lone bright spot on the defense and for that he is the UtR player of the game.