Uncle Sal and the Marooned Mountaineers (Episode 149)

Uncle Sal and Alice greeted Giacomo and his new girlfriend Umeko, who wore a kimono tied loosely at the waist and red stiletto heels. After welcoming them into his place, Uncle Sal said, "That's quite an ensemble for goin' to see an improv comedy group. Aint'cha afraid you'll be an easy target to be brought on stage?" Without waiting for an answer, Uncle Sal went to the bar to mix some drinks.

"Uncle Sal, you remember my high school friend Didier Mauvaise?"

"Guy always wore a velvet smoking jacket?"

"That's the one. I ran into him earlier today. He just came back from Nepal."

"Nepal? The heck was he doing over there?" Uncle Sal brought the tray of Manhattans into the living room and handed one to everyone before taking his own.

Umeko said, "Actually, I would prefer a warm plum wine with a lotus blossom floating on top."

Uncle Sal raised one eyebrow and looked at her. "Well, doll. I'm fresh out of lotus blossoms."

Giacomo set his drink on the Book of Mormon that someone had brought to Uncle Sal earlier in the day. "He was going to climb Mount Everest. He had it all set up. They were in the country and they were staying at a monastery about 15 miles from the mountain. The plan was to take a Jeep to the base camp after a night at the monastery and then start the climb. Well, staying with them at the monastery was their sherpa Renzin Logba. Only, he didn't go inside. He stayed outside and slept between the llamas that were going to be carrying the stuff of Didier and his friends. Now, I don't know where this guy got the llamas, but Didier swears these things must have been half goat. In the morning when he and his friends woke up, they saw that the Jeep had been ravaged. Those llamas ate the seats, the tires, even the gearshift. So here these guys are, thousands of miles away from home, 15 miles from Everest with all their gear..."

"And half a Jeep in Logba's llamas."

This episode featured:
Enrico Carabiner as Uncle Sal
Velma Harnesse as Alice
Ernesto "Singapore" Slingz as Giacomo
Odetta "Spike" Punsch as Umeko
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Book of Mormon.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The big one is staring at me and that short one is being very droll."

Uncle Sal and the Elevated Entrepreneurs (Episode 148)

Inside the Karate Chophouse, Uncle Sal and Alice sat across from Giacomo and his new girlfriend Desiree. Desiree was wearing an iridescent gold top that was cut so low that Alice whispered to Uncle Sal when they sat down, "I think I can see her bellybutton." Uncle Sal had just speared the orange slice at the bottom of his Mai Tai when two men probably at least six-feet-five walked in.

"Are those guys basketball players?" Alice asked.

Giacomo put his Yorkshire pudding back on his plate and turned to look. "Oh, those are the Wiesen brothers, Will and Walt."

Uncle Sal narrowed his eyes. "Why does that sound so familiar?"

Giacomo said, "They are going to open that formalwear shop for tall men: Tall Tails. You can see how they might have gotten the idea. I mean, just look at those guys. It can't be easy for them to find something to wear when they are groomsmen or have to go to some formal event. So they got the idea to open a shop for people like them. Of course, the trouble with starting a business is trying to figure out where the money will come from. They were having a hard time getting investors until Stan Flimterschmidt heard their idea."

Desiree played with the locket on her necklace and said, "Who's that?"

"He's this motivational speaker. He's probably six-feet-nine and he gives all these seminars. Politicians especially love his spiel, so he goes to a lot of formal dinners. And when he heard that someone wanted to open a formalwear store for tall men, he got just as excited as he does when he is trying to motivate people. Especially when he heard they wanted to open the store right here in town. He got behind the project as the principal investor and the number one fan of the whole deal."

Uncle Sal sopped up some gravy with a biscuit and said, "Well, it certainly sounds like he's the Stan for tall Wiesens."

This episode featured:
Enrique "London" Broyles as Uncle Sal
Andrea Lamb as Alice
Vartan "Tender" Loyen as Giacomo
Victoria Ribaitis as Desiree
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Yorkshire pudding.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Sounds like a sexy hamburger."

Uncle Sal and the Aggressive Attorney (Episode 147)

Uncle Sal sat at the bar of The Lazy Lounge waiting for the rugby match to begin. He tossed some macadamia nuts into his mouth and washed them down with a sip of Spud's. When he saw Giacomo coming, Uncle Sal removed his Fraternal Order of Obese Dieticians jacket he had used to reserve the stool next to him. "You're just in time. The match is just about to start. I'm surprised you weren't here earlier so you could get a couple in ya before the match starts."

"I would have been, but I was in court."

"Aw jeez, Giacomo. Whadja do?"

Giacomo sat down and quickly stood up, sliding a Grizzly Beer coaster under one of the legs of his stool. As he settled onto the stool, he said, "I didn't do anything. I was there watching my friend Hobie Spoonmaker. I ran into him recently and he invited me to come and check him out on this case. Normally, Hobie is such a mild-mannered guy. I never would have guessed that he would become a criminal attorney." Giacomo sipped his Billy Taylor and continued. "Well, he was anything but mild-mannered in court. He was going after this guy accused of skimming money from his company. I'm telling you. Hobie was ruthless. He just kept hounding and hounding the guy. Well, finally the guy caved in and Hobie got what he was looking for. Heck, I think Hobie could have gotten the guy to admit that he likes to dress in cocktail gowns and wear stiletto heels. It was amazing. I've always seen him as this calm, almost Zen-like guy."

"And today you saw the shark side of the Spoon."

This episode featured:
Fergus Scrumm as Uncle Sal
Reggie Ruck as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Grizzly Beer coaster.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It ain't armed robbery if the gun ain't loaded."

Uncle Sal and the Stiff Songwriter (Episode 146)

In the Root Hog or Diner, Uncle Sal set his newspaper down on the table next to the napkin dispenser as he was joined by Giacomo and his voluptuous girlfriend Lavay. He stole another glimpse at her and wondered how Giacomo so consistently found women whose proportions were so...easily noticeable.

"What's the news, Uncle Sal?"

"I was just readin' the celebrity obituaries. Didja know Cael Gusterson died?"

In chorus, Lavay and Giacomo said, "Who's Cael Gusterson?"

"He's a songwriter."

Giacomo removed a mini-bottle of Kahlua from the pocket of his jeans and tipped it into his coffee. "Really? I never heard of him."

"Maybe ya never heard of him, but I'll betcha breakfast you know a couple of his songs."

Giacomo thought for a moment and said, "I don't think I could name them."

"He wrote some classics. Of course you know the song 'I Wanna Fight You, Santa Claus.'"

Lavay's and Giacomo's eyes lit up and they started to sing the song together. After a sip of his coffee, Giacomo said, "Oh yeah! I love that song! That's about the only Christmas song I've ever liked."

"Yeah, well, that ain't all. He also wrote a classic country song. You know the song 'My Baby Left Me Blue (When She Locked Me in the Freezer)?'"

Giacomo sang a couple bars of the song for Lavay who laughed at the title but said she didn't know the song."

"So he died, huh?" Lavay asked. "What other songs did he write?"

"He didn't write no other songs. He was a Cael of two ditties."

This episode featured:
Wallace "Bass" Cleff as Uncle Sal
Gamaliel "Barn" Dantz as Giacomo
Melody Rich as Lavay
and
Jellybean Merengue as the napkin dispenser.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I've seen monkey fights at the zoo more organized than this."