Saturday, July 3, 2010

Uncle Sal and the Soccer Snob (Episode 150)

Uncle Sal put his keys into the pocket of his orange and gold plaid golf pants and settled onto his stool in The Crow Bar. He looked up at the television screen. "Awwwww raspberries! Kelly, ain't there anything on except this silly soccer?"

The man with the yellow and red scarf on the stool next to Uncle Sal said, "It happens to be football. And this is not only the world's game, but the World Cup."

After a sip of his boilermaker, Uncle Sal said, "Maybe so, but that don't make it interesting."

The man with the scarf said, "You just don't understand the nuance of the game."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes and saw a 44F bra hanging from the rafters. "What nuance? It's just a bunch of guys running around in the middle of the field, not accomplishing anything. And lookit that guy rollin' all over the field. Ain't no one even touched him and he looks like he just been run over by a Studebaker pickup."

"You are such a typical American. You equate scoring with excitement. Well, you don't need a lot of scoring to make a game exciting. I mean, just look at the condition these guys are in."

Uncle Sal tuned the man out as he droned on and on about how well-conditioned soccer players must be to run around for a 90-minute contest.

"Look, there goes another one. Just look at him go. Flopping around like a fish out of water. Prolly just cramping up a little bit. Why they gotta make a drama out of this?"

The man continued his diatribe about the subtle chess match involved in every soccer game. He didn't get very far before another player hit what he referred to as "the pitch."

"Oh for cryin' out loud! What happened to that guy? What did he get tripped by a blade of grass? That was the only thing near him. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. All this flopping around and the game is prolly gonna end up scoreless. What a waste of time!"

"But there are so many close calls. That's what makes the game exciting! There are so many times during the game where you hold your breath because one side has a breakaway. And then you either breathe a sigh of relief because there was no goal or you celebrate because the ball hits the back of the net."

Uncle Sal shook his head. "So it's when they come close to scoring that's really exciting? You may be right. I guess I don't understand the nuance of the game. But I know this. It's a long day through the flops if you want a soccer goal."

This episode featured:
Ellis Streicher as Uncle Sal
Clyde "Tiny" Cleatz as the man in the scarf
Nona Goelz as Kelly
Jellybean Merengue as the 44F bra.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A flying saucer? You mean the kind from up there?"

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