Saturday, October 2, 2010

Uncle Sal and the Challenged Critic (Episode 163)

In a Cool Dry Place jazz club, Uncle Sal and Alice sat at a table across from Giacomo and his new girlfriend Novalee, who wore a lime green tank top that was nearly as large as a bandanna and a pair of black jeans that looked like they had been painted on.

"Why's this place so crowded on a Wednesday?"

"Haven't you heard?"

Uncle Sal shook his head, then flagged down a waitress. He ordered a whiskey sour for Alice and a North Dakota Special for himself. He picked a blade of grass off of his Cocktail Slippers t-shirt and said, "So, what's happening?"

"You know Percy Motkovich from the Potboiler?"

"Sure. The critic that can't write worth a lick."

"That's right. Well, in a recent review, he said Claire Stoneleaf had a figure like a sack full of jelly donuts."

"Claire Stoneleaf? The movie star?"

"Yeah. I guess you can call her a movie star, even if she only stars in second-rate movies. Well, of course she took offense to that. But she didn't just call him out in the papers. She's an investor in this place and invited him here for an interesting challenge. You know that scene in Roxanne where Steve Martin says he can come up with a better insult for his nose than some yahoo that insulted him? It turns out he has to come up with twenty better insults. Claire figured that if Motkovich is the wordsmith he thinks he is, he should be able to come up with a lot of creative ways to insult her for her weight, and puts a thousand dollars on it. She figures twenty is a good starting point and throws a dart to see how many more he'll need to come up with to earn the grand. She nailed a triple twenty on the dartboard. You believe that?"

"So you mean to tell me that to win a thousand clams, Motkovich has to come up with a round B girl in eighty ways?

This episode featured:
Heywood Scurrilous as Uncle Sal
Rachael Tauntz as Alice
Seamus O'Probrium as Giacomo
Abby Aspersia as Novalee
Jellybean Merengue as the lime green tank top.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world."

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