Uncle Sal and the Cursed Caroler (Episode 69)

Uncle Sal entered the mall and said, "I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

Alice said, "Well, I need to get something for my brother for Christmas and you're about the same size. We should get something for you while we're here...to replace that LA Kings jersey you're wearing. Who's Nicholls anyway?"

Uncle Sal stopped cold. "Bernie Nicholls, the greatest Kings player ever. Anyway, I can't believe I'm here. And there's the Christmas music. I hate Christmas music."

"How can you hate Christmas music. It's lovely. I enjoy this time of year because it's Christmas music everywhere."

"That's the trouble," Uncle Sal muttered.

She looked at him, waiting for him to repeat what he had said, only louder. He wasn't about to give her the satisfaction. "You remind me of this woman Trisha Rutiglione. She loves everything about Christmas: the gifts, the music, the wreaths." Uncle Sal unwrapped a root beer candy and popped it into his mouth. "Every year she goes out caroling with this group of people. They dress up and go through neighborhoods singing carols. Well, one time last year, they went to this house. They ring the doorbell and of course the folks come to the door and the group begins to sing. That group didn't even get through one verse of the carol when the guy that answered the door started to curse and boo."

"He booed Christmas carolers?"

"Well, that's the trouble, ain't it. Folks start playing Christmas music around Thanksgiving. Then by the time Christmas comes, a lot of reasonable folks is sick of the whole thing." He caught Alice's evil eye and continued. "I ain't saying I condone that kinda behavior. I dislike Christmas music as much as the next guy, but I'd never do sump'n rude like hooting Trish in a carol."

This episode featured:
Elmer Vittenheimer as Uncle Sal
Iris diPesto as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the root beer candy.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It's not rocket science, it's brain surgery."

Uncle Sal and the Soused Southpaw (Episode 68)

Uncle Sal sat on the park bench next to Alice and opened the newspaper. He saw a story about the Wombats and began to read it aloud.

"Wouldja lookit that? The Wombats just signed Tank Loeb." Alice didn't look up from her romance novel. "Left-handed pitcher." Alice's interest still wasn't piqued. "You might think they call him Tank because he's a big, solid guy. Guy's no bigger than I am. If anything, he's probably skinnier."

Alice set her romance novel down on her lap and said, "Then why in the world do they call him Tank?"

"Guy is always drunk. You wouldn't know it to look at him. He holds his alcohol pretty good, especially for a guy his size. It all started one day when Tank shows up to the park and he's still drunk from the night before. Guy's gotta pitch against the division leader and he's still drunk. The manager, he didn't have any other pitcher to put out there, so he told Tank that he better sober up real quick. That wasn't the way Tank operated. He took a little hair of the dog, then he warmed up for the game."

Uncle Sal adjusted his Prussian blue cowboy hat and shooed a fly before continuing his story. "Wouldn'tcha know it? Tank was drunk as a monkey and pitching the best game of his life. Pitched a no-hitter that day. He figgers from then on, he better pitch while he was drunk. This is genius. He figgered out a way to put a little flask into one of the fingers of his glove. Then when he brought his glove up to his face, he'd take a little sip. He's been way better ever since."

"You mean..."

"Yep, the guy became a better player when he learned to keep a beer at the mound."

This episode featured:
Harry Hrudey as Uncle Sal
Ginger Frogg as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the romance novel.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It beats doin' stuff."

Buckeyes 42, Wolverines 7

It was a slow start, but once the Buckeyes got rolling, that game was real fun to watch.

The Good
Offense
It took the offense a while to get going, but they made it worth the wait. Beanie's TD was awesome, and it came at a time when it looked like we were headed for a 3-0 game. The blocking on that play was real nice. It made me wonder where the offensive line had been up to that point. The touchdown drive at the beginning of the second half was flipping awesome. Two yards of more than 40 yards and a touchdown in less than a minute of play. I was kind of hoping Beanie would take that play all the way to the house, but Dan Herron's 49-yard TD run was pretty sweet. Brian Hartline had a real nice game for someone who has been invisible for a good part of the year. Speaking of invisible, it was good to see Ray Small reappear in this game with the long kick return. I am a big fan of Dane Sanzenbacher. I think he was the most consistent receiver all season.

Defense
When the defense allows only 7 points, it has done its part. Sheridan completed only one-third of his passes, and the Wolverines only went for 2.7 yards per carry. Dexter Larimore and Cameron Heyward each had a sack, and the defense forced a fumble. Overall, the defense allowed fewer than 200 yards. Any time that happens, the defense has had a solid performance. The defense was especially strong after TP's interception. To give UM the ball that close to the end zone, and to force them to come away with 0 points...that was awesome.

The Bad
Offense
It sure would be nice if the Buckeyes offense didn't begin every game sluggishly. The offensive line was doing TP no favors in the early part of the game. I was more than a little disgusted to see TP get sacked 3 times in the first quarter. When Mo Wells got in the game, he showed why he is the king of the run of 2 yards or fewer.

Defense
In the 2nd quarter, the defense seemed to take a little vacation. The defense seems to have at least one drive every game where it just vanishes. That certainly was the case on UM's one touchdown drive.

The Broadcast
I realize Bob Griese gets paid to talk, and sometimes he has to fill air time. However, he was the king of "If..." in this game. At the end of the first half, he said it would be a different game without the Buckeyes 2 big plays. Yeah, Bob. It would have been a different game if you took away the Buckeyes 2 first half touchdowns.

The Ugly
TP's interception was really bad. Maybe we've just gotten used to him looking like he's more experienced than a freshman. He really reminded us on that play that he is only a freshman.
I didn't like seeing Malcolm Jenkins get so wound up at the beginning of the game. Yes, it is the Michigan game, but you can't show the other team you can be baited like that.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
There are some good candidates for the award in this game, including Pryor. I know what you're thinking. How can the QB be the UtR player of the game? In this case, Pryor gets consideration because he made the tackle after his interception. Instead of getting 7 points, UM got nothing. You could pick Laurinaitis or Coleman, and that would be a good selection. However...the UtR player of the game is Jim Cordle. On Beanie's TD run, Cordle took out 2 guys with one block, and that was the play that got the Buckeyes going.

I was sincerely hoping that the Buckeyes would put 50 on the maize and blue, but I'll take a 35-point victory over those bums anytime.

Uncle Sal and the Hotrod Hearse (Episode 67)

Giacomo steered his army green Plymouth Valiant into the parking lot of the garage where Uncle Sal was getting the Dodge Dart serviced. he saw his mechanic Manny working on a hearse with red and orange flames painted on the front quarter panels. Just as Manny removed the radiator cap, Uncle Sal said, "Boy, lookit that ride. That's really sump'n else, Manny. Reminds me of a guy I used to know, Frank Filk."

Manny set the radiator cap down and wiped his hands so he could go and ring up Uncle Sal.

Uncle Sal followed him to the register and said, "This guy, Frank Filk, he bought a hearse from some funeral home for peanuts when the funeral home went to a newer model. Well, he didn't just want a hearse. He wanted to soup the thing up and give it a cool paint job, kinda like the one yer workin' on."

Manny told Uncle Sal the total of the service done on his car and Uncle Sal continued as he removed the money from his wallet. "Filk got the idea that he didn't just want any ol' engine in there. He wanted to put a tractor engine in his new car. So he goes to this guy Hal Dow. Hal had an ol' John Deere that he didn't use any more. But the engine still worked. Well, Filk bought that engine and he took it home. You wouldn't believe the sort of modifications he had to make to get that Deere engine into his hearse. He did it though. Sure as I'm standin' here. He was all fired up and he got inside that hearse. And you know what happened when he turned the key?"

The mechanic answered with a shrug.

"Nothin'. That's what happened. Just goes to show you, ya can't make a Filk hearse out of a Dow's Deere."

This episode featured:
Gord Nipawin as Giacomo
Garrick Smeaton as Uncle Sal
Guy Ravendal as Manny
and
Jellybean Merengue as the radiator cap.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The machine stole my quarter!"

Buckeyes 30, Fighting Illini 20

It may not have been the prettiest game we've ever seen, but it still goes in the W column, and that's what matters.

The Good
Offense
Beanie Wells and Terrelle Pryor both ran for more than 100 yards. Anytime you can have that in a game, you're doing something right. There were a couple plays that really stood out. It was pretty spectacular when Beanie hurdled that defender. I'm sure we'll see that highlight a lot. Brian Hartline's run on the end around was real nice. But by far, the offensive play of the game was when TP was running with the ball and pushed Brian Robiskie out of the way. That was truly awesome.
Defense
Hmmm...well, ummm...The defense did have 2 takeaways and two sacks. Ross Homan's sack was especially awesome simply because he went in there, wrapped up Juice and took him down. What was so awesome about that? Frankly, it was nice to see that a Buckeye could make a tackle. Also, the blocked punt for a safety was good to see. I'd like to see the Buckeyes go after more punts like that.

The Bad
Offense
You'd think I would put the passing game here. Wait a minute, the Buckeyes have a passing game? By the way, Michigan defenders, if I were you, I wouldn't expect the Buckeyes to run left on the first two offensive plays of the game next week.
Defense
Holy moly! The tackling in this game was terrible. The defensive line was manhandled, and it seemed like the Illini picked up 12 yards per play. OK, so it wasn't that bad. They only went for 6 yards per carry and 12 yards per completion. The Buckeyes defense gave up 455 yards to a team that has to win its last game to become bowl-eligible. Yikes!

The Ugly
See The Bad - Defense.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
This one is pretty easy, although a lot of players were definitely under the radar (yes, defensive line, I'm looking at you.) Aaron Gant gets the UtR player of the game because he blocked the punt that got the Buckeyes rolling. It's a good thing they were able to build up a 16-point lead that they could sit on.

Allow me to finish with a brief open letter to Coach Tressel.
Dear Coach Tressel,
Please, for the love of criminy, hang 50 on Michigan! And please don't grimace if the Buckeyes score late in the game to pad the margin of victory. In fact, if the Buckeyes score a late touchdown, do what Woody would have done and go for 2 points.
Sincerely,
Gone with the Schwind

Uncle Sal and the Vulgar Valet (Episode 66)

Uncle Sal parked the Dodge Dart in the lot of Murray's Meat Market. He put on his viridian cowboy hat and said to Giacomo, "I tell ya, this place is the best. Only place in town that sells venison. We're gonna eat good tonight."

They entered the market and Uncle Sal selected a cart. He needed to push it only a couple feet before he realized that one wheel was broken. "Dang carts always got a busted wheel." He put back the broken one and took another cart. "I ain't had venison in so long. I can almost taste it already. Last time I had venison I got it from this guy Louie Baracas. He was one of them personal assistants, I guess you could call him a valet, of some rich guy. He musta made good money doin' it. I can't imagine why else somebody would be a personal assistant."

A woman was handing out samples of andouille and Uncle Sal took one as he went by. "This guy Louie, he cussed more than anyone I ever met. Not only that, he would say whatever rude thing came to his mind. Like he had no ability to stop himself. Well, I run into him here and he gets the last package of venison. I was next in line too. So I tries talkin' to him, seeing if he can be persuaded to sell me the package of venison he just bought. Well, he starts cussin' a blue streak at me. Doesn't even care that there's women and kids around. I tell him I'm having some folks over and would really like that package of venison he got. Told him exactly what I was gonna serve it with too."

Uncle Sal put some braunschweiger in his cart and continued. "So, I'm doing everythin' I can think of to get that last package of venison. He ain't sellin' because he don't wanna upset his boss. Finally, I says to him, 'Your boss smoke cigars?' He tells me yeah. I say, 'I'll give ya twice what ya paid for it, and a Marie Antoinette cigar cutter for yer boss.' He thought about it a long time." Uncle Sal looked at the meat case for the andouille sausage he had been given at the front of the store.

Giacomo stood waiting for the end of the story. "So, what happened with Louie?"

"Well, let's just say I was able to talk the deer off a crass flunkie."

This episode featured:
Dewey Duke as Uncle Sal
Buford Church as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the broken shopping cart wheel.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Where are all the phaser guns?"

Buckeyes 45, Wildcats 10

Well, the Buckeyes took care of business, and in the process found themselves right back in the thick of things for the Big Ten championship.

The Good
Offense
This seemed to be one of those games where the offense was able to put up points in spite of itself. Beanie bounced off of some defenders afor some nice long runs. Dan Herron and Terrelle Pryor looked good running the ball as well. This is the first game I can remember where the receivers really showed up. Brian Hartline had the 2 long receptions. Brian Robiskie had the 2 touchdown receptions, plus another catch that converted a long 3rd down. Even Rory Nicol had 2 receptions. Think about this. TP completed only 9 passes, but he completed those to 5 different receivers. I thought the fake punt was genius, and AJ Trapasso showed some shifty running ability. when it looked like he could have had the 1st down running right, he bounced it back to the inside, then left for a nice gain of 9.
Here is something to chew on: the Buckeyes were 8/13 on 3rd down conversions. When was the last time the team had a percentage that good?

Defense
Here's all you need to know about the defensive performance: Nader Abdallah had 8 tackles and .5 tackle for loss. Overall, the defense was really solid after Northwestern's initial drive. I really enjoyed seeing Nathan Williams get a sack on consecutive plays. I think that kid is going to be a really good player. Also, kudos to Malcolm Jenkins and Cameron Heyward for forcing fumbles. I'd like to see more of that from the defense.

The Bad
Offense
The Buckeyes seem to have a hard time breaking away from this 1954 offense. Do you want to know why Beanie had no running room at the beginning of the game? It's because the NU defense was onto the pattern: run left on 1st down, run middle on 2nd down, pass on 3rd down. For crying out loud! Try mixing it up once in a while.
Defense
I didn't realize the Buckeyes were playing against Fran Tarkenton. looking at the stats, I can't believe Mike Kafka had 18 completions. For much of the game it seemed the NU offense was 10 offensive linemen and Kafka. And the Buckeyes still couldn't stop him.

The Ugly
Fortunately, there isn't much to put here. The Wildcats were assisted on their first drive by a couple dumb OSU penalties. Overall the Buckeyes had 6 penalties for 62 yards, so there is definitely room for improvement. the only other thing I can think to put here is the look of utter chagrin on Tressel's face when Herron scored the last TD. Look, if you don't want your guy to score when he has a wide open path to the end zone, then tell him to take a knee before he scores. Northwestern couldn't stop it, so there is no need to feel bad about putting a 35-point victory on a lesser opponent.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
There are a lot of good candidates for this, not the least of which is Abdallah. He showed up bigger than in any game I can remember. James Laurinaitis again had a good game. however, I have to give the UtR player of the game to Malcolm Jenkins for causing the first fumble of the game, when NU was still within easy striking distance. Keep forcing those turnovers.

Uncle Sal and the Triumphant Thrower (Episode 65)

Uncle Sal's elbow nudged his carnelian cowboy hat on the console as he shifted the Dodge Dart into gear. Alice fidgeted with the tuner of the radio, trying to find a song she liked. From the back seat, Giacomo said, "Uncle Sal, tell Valeria more about this guy we're going to see."

Uncle Sal looked in the rear view mirror and said, "Guy's name is Nate Grice. He was an Olympic champion in the javelin throw. Course, he's too old for the Olympics, but now he puts on these exhibitions like we're goin' to. He'll come out and throw the javelin just like he used to. Well, maybe not just like he used to. He is fifty years old now, but he throws the javelin. Can still throw it over two hunnerd feet."

After a sip from the can of Skipper's ginger ale he held between his legs, Uncle Sal said, "I tell ya, I think Nate could still medal in the Olympics if he wanted to. Anyway, after he throws the javelin a few times, then it gets interesting. He invites audience members onto the field to see if they can throw anything farther than he can. People come with baseballs, Frisbees, old toasters, anything they can think of. And they get a chance to compete against Nate. If they can throw sump'n farther than him, he'll refund their admission. Me, I tried it one time. I brought a carburetor from a fifty-three Mercury to one of these things. I thought I was pretty good too. But he threw that carburetor forty yards farther'n I did."

"Has he ever had to refund anyone's admission?" Valeria asked.

"Heck no, he hasn't. It's fun to watch folks try, but no one beats the hurl of Nate Grice."

This episode featured:
Judson Justice as Uncle Sal
Abbey Loney as Alice
Rex Wolfe as Giacomo
Lulu Sorenson as Valeria
and
Jellybean Merengue as the radio tuner.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm serving up monkey wrench soup. Who wants a bowl?"

Do you think the Buckeyes coaching staff watched Texas Tech?

I was watching the Texas-Texas Tech game and all I can say is that I hope the Buckeyes offensive coaching staff saw the game and took extensive notes. The Red Raiders are a great example of what can happen when you have some variety in your offensive game plan. What a concept, eh?