Uncle Sal and the Garrulous Girlfriend (Episode 154)

When Uncle Sal and Alice got to their seats at the annual caber toss championships, they saw Giacomo sitting next to a petite brunette with short hair. She wasn't the sort of girl Giacomo usually went for. She was much smaller and less curvy.

"Uncle Sal, this is my friend Earl."

Uncle Sal blinked a couple of times and wondered if he had misjudged his nephew's companion. "Earl? Not Earlene."

"No, it's Earl." She launched into a story of how she had been named for her grandfather, who had been a Korean War hero. She went on to relay what must have been every detail of her grandfather's life. She wasn't long into her story when Uncle Sal started looking for the beer vendor. After a five-minute monologue, Uncle Sal had his cup of Spud's and Earl finished her story with, "My parents thought they were having a boy that they would name for my grandfather. Surprise! But they decided that they were going to name me Earl anyway."

Uncle Sal removed a cat hair from his Radio Free Bakersfield t-shirt and took a long pull from his cup as he watched Angus MacGregor heave his caber.

"She's seeing Alberto Montoya, the Spanish soccer player."

"Futbol," she corrected him. "He's nice, but..."

Earl began another monologue about a list of men that included an Italian actor, a Transylvanian count, a physicist, and a mattress salesman named Thurston Grumman. All of whom she might have been currently or previously engaged to. During this soliloquy, Uncle Sal flagged down a bratwurst vendor and ordered two with extra sauerkraut. When she finally reached the end (Uncle Sal wondered how she could talk so long without seeming to pause for breath), he picked a piece of sauerkraut off of his blue and orange plaid golf pants, he said, "Whoa! Whoa! Hold on there! That sure was a mouthful, but let me see if I've got it straight. You've got all these guys on the hook, but Earl, you'll be a Grumman soon?"

This episode featured:
Scott Land as Uncle Sal
Mandy Kiltz as Alice
Pete Boggs as Giacomo
Nina Brogue as Earl
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cat hair.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I've got a Mexican hot rod!"

Uncle Sal and the Canned Crooner (Episode 153)

Uncle Sal brushed some margarita salt off of his The Love Me Nots t-shirt and watched as a man walked by his booth at the Liberty Bull Steakhouse. Turning to Alice, Giacomo, and Giacomo's new girlfriend Coco, he said, "Is that someone famous? He looks familiar."

Giacomo brushed a piece of lobster off of his shirt that flew after Coco had cracked the tail with her man-hands. He doused doused his ribeye with Sweep's Steak Sauce and answered. "That's Terry Meier. He was the lead singer of Gabardine Smog."

"Wasn't that the band that sang 'My Baby Left Me Flatter than My Tires that She Slashed'?"

"Yeah. That's the band."

"So, he was the lead singer? Why ain't he anymore?"

"Well, it was really a weird situation. I mean, he didn't just sing, he also wrote the lyrics. So you'd think he'd be pretty safe in a band. And the band was having some good success. But the rest of the guys didn't like how he fit into the band. While they were really energetic on stage, he would just stand there and look at his shoes when he sang. And when he did interviews he would give really short, really boring answers, to the point that no journalist wanted to book the band anymore."

Giacomo speared a steak fry, put it in his mouth and said, "Then one night, the band was playing a show in Sheboygan and after a couple numbers, the guitarist said he was having some technical difficulties and he stepped off stage. He waved Terry over and told him right there that he couldn't stand Terry's bland delivery anymore and that he was out of the band. The band finished the set with no vocals. You believe that? I mean, they kicked the guy out of the band in the middle of a set in Sheboygan."

"Well, I guess the guys had a good reason. From what yer tellin' me, Terry Meier was a dull Smog."

This episode featured:
Pascal Plates as Uncle Sal
Jiro Kobe as Giacomo
Shelly Fisch as Coco
Jenise Flank as Alice
Chuck Rehr as Terry Meier
and
Jellybean Merengue as the piece of lobster.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This was, I believe, the first recorded instance of a CIA agent being eaten alive by a rainbow trout!"

Uncle Sal and the Hesitant Heartthrob (Episode 152)

Uncle Sal walked into the Fraternal Order of Grackles meeting and was immediately met by a moon-faced man with a burr cut, probably in his mid-20s. As Uncle Sal hooked his Cerberus key chain to a belt loop of his crimson and clover plaid golf pants, the man stuck out his hand and said, "I'm..."

"You're Felix 'Pie' Heyward's kid. Boy, if you ain't the spittin' image of your old man, right down to that burr cut."

"Did you just call my dad Pie?"

"Course I did. Never met anyone likes pie as much as your old man. I once saw him chase an entire huckleberry pie with an entire key lime pie because someone bet him twenny bucks he couldn't do it. How is ol' Pie, anyway?"

"He's good. When he's not hassling me to get married to my girlfriend Dawn. Always asks me when I think I'm gonna settle down with her."

"Whatsa matter with her?"

"Nothing is the matter with her. It's just...you know, marriage is a big deal."

A waiter brought Uncle Sal a Spud's and a shot of rye and Sal told him what a fine human being he was. "Course marriage is a big deal, but if you're reluctant, there's gotta be sump'n wrong with her. Does she cook?"

Heyward patted his round belly and said, "She helps me maintain this figure."

"She clean up around the house?"

"She always keeps it immaculate. My laundry has never been so neatly folded."

"What about in the sack?"

"I don't think that's any of your concern!"

"What I mean is this. If both of ya are getting it as much as you want, that goes a long way."

"Well, we sure don't have any trouble in the sack."

"Then what's the problem?" After a sip of his Spud's, Uncle Sal said, "Listen. There's two questions you need to ask yourself. Do you want to get married?"

"Sure I do."

"Do you think you'll find anyone better'n this girl who gives you food, a clean place, and enough sex to satisfy you?"

The young man popped a couple maple cashews into his mouth and said, "Hmmm. You know, I don't know if I could find anyone better than her."

"Then the answer to this whole thing is obvious. Marry Dawn, Pie Heyward's son."

This episode featured:
Dr. Femke Hart as Uncle Sal
Federico Lovecraft as Pie Heyward's son
Nigel Batchelor as the waiter
and
Jellybean Merengue as the belt loop.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."

Uncle Sal and the Grand Gluttons (Episode 151)

Uncle Sal settled onto a stool next to Giacomo in the Lazy Lounge and looked up at the TV above the bar. Alyssa served him a Spud's and a shot of bourbon without Uncle Sal having to order. He pulled a twenty out of the pocket of his green and orange striped golf pants and set it next to a bottle of root beer schnapps on the bar. "The heck is this?"

"This is the World Series of competitive eating. It's pretty amazing. The tournament starts off with 16 guys. In each round, they have a different food challenge. One round, it was meatball subs. Another round, it was bratwurst. In this round, the guys get to see who can eat more cheesecake in 12 minutes."

As Uncle Sal downed his bourbon, one of the contestants was shown on the screen.

"Jumpin' caterpillars! Look at that guy! He's built like a meatball with legs. I ain't ever seen anyone as rotund as that guy."

"Yeah, that's Josephus Oobleck. He's the odds-on favorite to win this."

"I should think so. That guy probably doesn't even feel anything he's eaten today. Anyone check to see if he's eaten his opponent?"

Oobleck's opponent appeared on the screen. "Great grouper! Look at that guy! I didn't know Sasquatch was allowed to enter a contest like this. With all that hair on him, he wouldn't ever need sunscreen, I can tell you that."

"Yeah, that's Sherwood Woolly."

"Well, he sure got the right last name. So, ya been watchin' this all day?"

"Sure have. Now it's the finals."

"And it's down to the round and the furry."

This episode featured:
Valdemar Viel as Uncle Sal
Guillaume Gourmand as Giacomo
Miranda Mayo as Alyssa
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bottle of root beer schnapps.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Your fare is the only thing stopping me from breaking your face!"

Uncle Sal and the Soccer Snob (Episode 150)

Uncle Sal put his keys into the pocket of his orange and gold plaid golf pants and settled onto his stool in The Crow Bar. He looked up at the television screen. "Awwwww raspberries! Kelly, ain't there anything on except this silly soccer?"

The man with the yellow and red scarf on the stool next to Uncle Sal said, "It happens to be football. And this is not only the world's game, but the World Cup."

After a sip of his boilermaker, Uncle Sal said, "Maybe so, but that don't make it interesting."

The man with the scarf said, "You just don't understand the nuance of the game."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes and saw a 44F bra hanging from the rafters. "What nuance? It's just a bunch of guys running around in the middle of the field, not accomplishing anything. And lookit that guy rollin' all over the field. Ain't no one even touched him and he looks like he just been run over by a Studebaker pickup."

"You are such a typical American. You equate scoring with excitement. Well, you don't need a lot of scoring to make a game exciting. I mean, just look at the condition these guys are in."

Uncle Sal tuned the man out as he droned on and on about how well-conditioned soccer players must be to run around for a 90-minute contest.

"Look, there goes another one. Just look at him go. Flopping around like a fish out of water. Prolly just cramping up a little bit. Why they gotta make a drama out of this?"

The man continued his diatribe about the subtle chess match involved in every soccer game. He didn't get very far before another player hit what he referred to as "the pitch."

"Oh for cryin' out loud! What happened to that guy? What did he get tripped by a blade of grass? That was the only thing near him. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. All this flopping around and the game is prolly gonna end up scoreless. What a waste of time!"

"But there are so many close calls. That's what makes the game exciting! There are so many times during the game where you hold your breath because one side has a breakaway. And then you either breathe a sigh of relief because there was no goal or you celebrate because the ball hits the back of the net."

Uncle Sal shook his head. "So it's when they come close to scoring that's really exciting? You may be right. I guess I don't understand the nuance of the game. But I know this. It's a long day through the flops if you want a soccer goal."

This episode featured:
Ellis Streicher as Uncle Sal
Clyde "Tiny" Cleatz as the man in the scarf
Nona Goelz as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the 44F bra.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A flying saucer? You mean the kind from up there?"