Uncle Sal and the Surprising Streaker (Episode 175)

In the Liberty Bull Steakhouse, Uncle Sal sat across from David Raabe. He had stopped Raabe's discussion of real estate long enough to order a leather Jack and an order of jalapeno poppers. As he gave his order to the waiter, Raabe's phone vibrated. He removed it, pushed the screen a couple times, then chuckled.

Uncle Sal shook some habanero sauce into his drink and said, "What's so funny?" He was hoping it wasn't another "funny" real estate story, although Raabe seemed incapable of talking about anything else.

"Someone just sent me a video from the Punch Bowl game that happened earlier today."

As much as Uncle Sal loved football, he couldn't stand some of the bowl games that featured two teams he didn't care about.

"There's this guy named Thanh Ho. Everyone calls him Thor. It's funny because he's such a tiny guy. I've done some business with him. Sold him some office space in Wichita. The guy makes a living buying and selling real estate. He's a real wizard. You'd never believe how much money the guy has made doing this."

Uncle Sal drained his drink and signaled for another one. He was tempted to instruct the waiter to leave the bottle at the table. The jalapeno poppers arrived and when Uncle Sal bit into one, a glob of cheese fell onto his The Wildebeests t-shirt.

"Thor is a big fan of football and he goes to every bowl game he can manage. Well, he and a bunch of friends went to the Punch Bowl and I guess the friends coaxed him into doing something outrageous. According to the message, they all chipped in, and I have to tell you how hilarious that is, because this guy needs money like a walrus needs pomade. Anyway, they all chipped in. By the end of the whole thing, these guys had pledged four grand if Ho would streak across the field at this bowl game. That's what this video is: Thanh Ho streaking across a football field. Oh, there a cop just missed him. Look at that spin move. He's amazing. You should watch this."

Uncle Sal answered, "No I shouldn't. When Thor Ho's bare, Raabe, I don't stare."

This episode featured:
Lars Striek as Uncle Sal
"Naturist" Ned Grimley as David Raabe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the glob of cheese.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "What else you got, Crockett and Tubby?"

Uncle Sal and the Bestowed Beef (Episode 174)

In the Karate Chophouse, Uncle Sal slid into a booth across from Sister Mary Evelyn. He ordered a Chumbawamba from a passing waitress and said, "How ya been?"

Out of habit, she was holding her rosary. She slid it into her pocket as she began speaking. "Oh, I've been good. You know how much I love this time of year. We always go and bring toys to the children's hospital and the group homes for for kids. I'll tell you, nothing is better than seeing the smiles when we deliver gifts to children who really appreciate them."

Sal took a steak fry from the platter and put it in his mouth. As he chewed, he brushed the piece of green onion that had fallen onto his Against the Grain t-shirt.

"Oh, and speaking of gifts that are appreciated, you'll never believe what someone left with us today. Anonymously."

"A Tibetan boy who is supposed to be the chosen one?"

Sister Mary Evelyn furrowed her brow and narrowed her eyes. "What? No. Someone left us a big box of steaks. Ribeyes. Can you believe it? Didn't even leave a note or anything."

Uncle Sal could smell the steaks from the adjacent tables and thought about the ribeyes delivered to his sister's convent. "So, when can I pick up this box of steaks?"

"What? Sorry, Sal. You can't."

"But that'd be perfect for my winter solstice barbecue. I'll pay for 'em."

"No, Sal. They've already been designated. You see, last week was Father Mackenzie's 50th birthday. We had a party for him and the cake was provided by the brother of one of the sisters in the convent. You know how Father Mackenzie always looks like he has a five o'clock shadow? Well, the man who made the cake also decorated it. It was beautiful, like you see on one of those cooking shows. Anyway, he made this cake and on top, he made a frosting cartoon of Father's face on a Fred Flintstone's body. It really made all of us laugh. But he wouldn't take any payment for this amazing cake. Believe me, we tried. We're going to give the box of steaks to him as our thanks for Father's cake."

Sal frowned. "Dang! Ribeyes are my favorite. It woulda been great if I coulda scored an entire box for the solstice, but I guess I'll have to think of sump'n else since you want to steak your funny baker."

This episode featured:
Ernesto Tubbs as Uncle Sal
Gwen "Thumper" Lapin as Sister Mary Evelyn
Pat Agonia as the waitress
and
Jellybean Merengue as the piece of green onion.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, " If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?"

Uncle Sal and the Game of Glögg (Episode 173)

Uncle Sal opened his door for Giacomo and his new girlfriend Honey. Uncle Sal had to take a second look at her to make sure he wasn't seeing an illusion. Her proportions were enough to make Jessica Rabbit blush. She wore a top that was nearly as big as three postage stamps, and a pair of red pants that looked like they had been put on with a can of spray paint. "Heckuvan outfit for a hockey game that's gonna be played outdoors." Alice looked disapprovingly both at Honey and Sal.

Uncle Sal fixed some drinks and brought them to the living room. "So, Uncle Sal, are you going to any crazy holiday parties?"

Uncle Sal removed the shrimp tail that had fallen on his Greenland Whalefishers t-shirt and said, "Going to our holiday block party on Saturday. That's always a good time, especially with all the glögg."

Honey asked what was glogg and after explaining the spiced wine to her, Uncle Sal said, "It's gotten to be a big contest between Al Fitt and Fanishwar Biswas. Two years ago was the first time we had the block party. Fitt made a batch of glögg and it turned out to be the hit of the party. Mostly because none of us had ever tasted it before. Then last year, Biswas made up his mind that he wanted people talking about his glögg, so he made a bigger batch that lasted for a good part of the night."

Uncle Sal sipped his zombie and placed the glass on a copy of the Watchtower that someone had left on his doorstep. "Well, I talked to Biswas earlier this week. He knew he'd have to do sump'n special not only to outdo himself from last year, but also to outdo anything Fitt might try this year. Well, Biswas couldn't find a pot big enough for his glögg, so he went to some place that rents cauldrons for renaissance festivals. Got himself a cauldron for the stuff. Only what he don't know is that Fitt is gonna have the last laugh. He heard about the cauldron and found a place across the state line that rents even bigger ones."

Giacomo said, "You mean..."

"That's right. Fitt's beginning to book a pot like Biswas."

This episode featured:
Markus Muller as Uncle Sal
Lucius Vino as Giacomo
Cinnamon Roehl as Honey
Ginger Ruetz as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the shrimp tail.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Seriously, a monkey could do your job."

Uncle Sal and the Night of 'Nog (Episode 172)

Uncle Sal climbed onto the van that he and some of the other Grackles had rented for the annual holiday pub crawl.

"Boy, I gotta tell ya, Giacomo. I've been looking forward to this crawl for weeks now. Prolly my favorite thing about the holidays. I figgered we could get warmed up on the way, considering we gotta driver for the night." He reached into the pocket of his The Adolescents work shirt and removed a thermos. After a healthy sip, he passed the thermos to Giacomo.

"I know what you mean. I never want to miss this crawl."

From the back seat of the van, Mick McMichael asked, "Tell me again how this whole thing goes."

Uncle Sal put the cap on the thermos and said, "All the bars downtown make egg nog just for this event. Each one has its own different version. And they protect those recipes like you wouldn't believe. Ya stop in for a glass of egg nog at each pub, and danged if you ain't schnockered like you wouldn't believe."

Uncle Sal and Giacomo shared stories of previous years, talked football and other news. After about 15 minutes, Uncle Sal leaned toward the driver and said, "Say, pal. We gonna get moving sometime soon?"

"I would, but I've been told we're waiting for another person." He consulted his clipboard. "A guy by the name of Mick Schmedley."

Uncle Sal exhaled loudly and slumped back in his seat."

Giacomo asked, "Who's Mick Schmedley?"

"He's this guy who was a good ballplayer in high school. Once hit a home run in a high school playoff game. Any chance he gets, he lets people know about it. What kinda pitch it was, what part of the field he hit the ball to. It was clearly the best thing ever happened in his life. Never stops talking about it when he's sober. I can only imagine how much more he'll talk about it once he gets a little lit up." After another sip from his thermos, he said, "That's just great. We're all ready to go and do some serious drinkin', but we gotta wait for another Mick in the crawl.

This episode featured:
Tennessee Tippler as Uncle Sal
Stu Souse as Giacomo
Javier "Huevos" Rinteros as Mick McMichael
Ainsley Borbon as the driver
and
Jellybean Merengue as the thermos cap.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm bailing town. This place has gotten way too hairy."