Uncle Sal and the Near-perfect Nymph (Episode 206)

Uncle Sal arrived at Giacomo's and removed his Montgomery Biscuits baseball cap. He had only taken three steps inside the place when Giacomo's new girlfriend Janet came from the kitchen. She wore a blue gingham crop top and a white apron that was longer than her denim miniskirt. "It's so nice to meet you! I fixed you a drink. I know you like whiskey, but I make a mean Cape Cod. I should. That's where I grew up."

Uncle Sal accepted the drink and walked to the couch where he removed the lime from the rim of the glass and squeezed it before he took a sip. "That's a nice stiff drink. Thanks." He wasn't sure if she heard because she immediately headed back to the kitchen.

Moments later, she returned with a platter. "Try these crab puffs. I made them myself. It's another thing we love on the Cape."

Uncle Sal popped one in his mouth and chewed it. "That is delicious!"

"Well, if you think that's good, just wait until dinner. We're having some chowder, gratin dauphinois and a salad with a raspberry vinaigrette that I also made myself."

"I can't wait," Uncle Sal said as he reached for another crab puff on the platter.

Janet kissed Giacomo and said, I'm going to get a couple beers from the cooler outside. You don't have to do anything but sit there and talk with your uncle."

"Sure thing, babe."

When she closed the door for the back patio, Uncle Sal said, "Giacomo, where did you find this woman? She has beer on ice, a drink for you when you walk in the door, she's a great cook, and she's gorgeous. This is the marrying kind."

Giacomo sipped his Cape Cod and sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"Don't tell me you've found some flaw in her?"

"She is great. I mean, her cooking is amazing. And yeah, she makes a nice drink. She is easy on the eyes and knows how to treat a man, but..."

"But what?"

"Well, it's just she's always talking about the Cape. People there are nicer. Restaurants are better. Sunsets are more beautiful. No matter what we do or where we go, it's not as good as the Cape. It's a drag. I don't know how much more of it I can stand."

Uncle Sal took a long drink from his glass. "Unbelievable. You've hit the lottery and that ain't good enough for ya. I can't believe you're already thinkin' about your escape from the Janet of the Cape."

This episode featured:
Ezra Zaius as Uncle Sal
Cornelius Taylor as Giacomo
Zira Nova as Janet
and
Jellybean Merengue as the platter.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If this is the best they've got around here, in six months we'll be running this planet."

Uncle Sal and the Disinformed Donor (Episode 205)

As Uncle Sal, Giacomo, and Helmut Trickle (the designated driver) walked toward the exit of the whiskey tasting, Helmut looked at the rye booth and took a long look at a bottle of rye with a picture of a rooster on it.

Helmut said, "Oh, you know who would love this?"

"Nils Gish," Uncle Sal answered.

"That's right. He..."

"Yeah, I know. He collects rye. I been in his rye cellar. He's prolly got about 50 bottles down there. Gives me a different sample every time I see him."

"You think he has one of these? I'm thinking maybe I'll take him one." he asked, pointing to the rooster.

"Prolly. I didn't catalog every bottle. But I would say don't buy it for him. It ain't like he needs it. Ya wanna buy a bottle of rye for someone, buy it for me. I only got one half-empty bottle in the cabinet. Give to the needy, not the greedy."

Uncle Sal pulled his Lowell Spinners hat on and turned over his Creedence Clearwater Revival tape as Helmut started the car. Before he shifted the 8-ball gearshift, Helmut offered some ostrich jerky to Uncle Sal and Giacomo. He navigated the car out of the parking lot and when he turned on to Copperhead Road, they passed a 1968 Ford Econoline van on cinder blocks. The dashboard held a FOR SALE sign. The side of the van was decorated with an airbrush painting of Betty Boop with a grossly exaggerated bust and a skimpy bikini.

"Would you look at that?" Helmut said.

"That's sump'n else." Uncle Sal answered. "I ain't seen a van like that for a long time. 'Specially not with that kinda paint job."

"You know who would like that? Sid Grumman."

"Grumman?"

"Yeah. Nobody likes to work on vans as much as he does."

"I don't doubt Grumman could get that thing offa cinder blocks. He's a wizard. And if he didn't like the paint job, I'm sure he'd come up with sump'n good there too. But he's already got two vans in his garage and one in his driveway. He ain't got room for anymore, 'less he opens up his own shop."

"I just thought..."

"Yeah, I know. You were thinking you'd tell Grumman about it. See what he could do with that beauty. It's a nice thought, but I'll tell ya...Grumman needs a van like Gish needs a rye, Trickle."

This episode featured:
Butch Femmstein as Uncle Sal
Fillmore Steinem as Giacomo
Roderick "Gitter" Dunn as Helmut Trickle
and
Jellybean Merengue as the FOR SALE sign.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Wait! Where are you going?... I was going to make espresso!"

Uncle Sal and the Salty Split (Episode 204)

Inside the Salvador Deli, Uncle Sal removed his sedge hat and spotted Giacomo in a booth. Above the booth was a stuffed beaver on a tricycle. The beaver held a fan paintbrush under his front teeth and a pizza pan on his tail.

Giacomo had a pint glass, one empty shot glass and one shot of whiskey in front of him. "Getting it going early today, eh Giacomo?"

"After the discussion I've just had, I need it. My friends sure know how to put on the drama." A waiter in a Nehru jacket came to the table and Uncle Sal ordered the same that Giacomo was drinking.

"My friends Juan and Lulu..." Giacomo sipped his shot of whiskey. "They've been at it for months now, going back to St. Patrick's Day. Juan had a little too much to drink. He said some things he immediately regretted. She threw all of his clothes out on the lawn and his keys into the bushes. Since then, they've been on and off. He says something stupid. She kicks him out. He does something sweet and she takes him back."

Uncle Sal was beginning to see why Giacomo was taking such a heavy dose of alcohol.

"So Juan calls me today and tells me it's over for good. No going back now. She saw him with another woman and even though she and Juan were technically on a break, Lulu got jealous. Not that she asked who the woman was. She just went right into argument mode. She said she was going to her sister's place for a while and when she returned his stuff better be gone, or she would throw it in the fire pit and get rid of it there. Well, Lulu has this trunk that's been passed down from her grandma. It's beautiful, all oak. It would probably fetch a lot of money on one of those antique shoes. Or it would have before today. Juan told me that after she left, he went up with a green permanent marker and drew shamrocks all over the thing."

Uncle Sal sipped his Spud's and said, "I guess he's right. There's no way they're getting back together after Juan drew clovers on Lulu's chest."

This episode featured:
Lochlan Nicholson as Uncle Sal
Nollaig Ratched as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fan paintbrush.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Who would have thought that dolphins could go bad and that fish were magnetic?"

Uncle Sal and the Ejected Ecclesiastic (Episode 203)

Uncle Sal removed his Skoal Bandits trucker cap as he entered I Pity the Pho for lunch with Sister Mary Evelyn. He saw the booth where she was seated and slid in across from her. He quickly ordered a 33 beer and a shot of Son Tinh. Mary Evelyn as always looked a little frazzled.

"Whatsa matter, sis?"

She sighed and said, "It's another shakeup at the church."

Uncle Sal moved a bottle of fish sauce to the side of the table and prepared for what he assumed would be a long story.

"You know Father Mackenzie was the priest. And he was really good. Everybody loved him. Well, almost everyone." Without even realizing she was doing it, Mary Evelyn turned her rosary in her hands. The Kohrs, Bill and Ethel, they felt like Father Mackenzie was getting a little too liberal. He had a Democrat's bumper sticker on his car and actually hinted in his sermons that maybe Americans are a little too uptight about things like marijuana. His example was a devoted churchgoer who needs medical marijuana. I believe his quote was, 'How can something be bad if it helps a righteous person?'"

Uncle Sal nodded as the drinks were set in front of him. He poured the 33 into a glass and took a long sip, leaving some foam on his lip.

"That was pretty much the last straw for him. The Kohrs give a lot of money to the church and they lobbied the parishioners and the diocese to find another place for Father Mackenzie. So the diocese did just that. And they brought in this Father Olczyk. He's a terribly nice man. He's the kind of guy that if you have a flat tire, he'll stop and help you change it. Or give you part of his lunch if you don't have enough money to buy your own."

"Sounds like a pretty good guy."

"He is. The thing is, he's just very boring. They wanted someone conservative and that's what they got. His sermons are...I'll just say it's not easy to stay awake. I don't know if it's his mellow tone of voice or his topics, but he has a hard time holding my interest. Father Mackenzie's politics didn't bother me. I wish we had him back."

"I can see that. Too bad the church chose the darn bore after the Kohrs revolted."

This episode featured:
Boniface McGee as Uncle Sal
Theodora Romana as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the rosary.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "People on 'ludes should not drive."

Uncle Sal and the Brobdingnagian Birthday Bash (Episode 202)

Uncle Sal and Alice got in the line for food at Bevon Bacall's Brobdingnagian Birthday Bash. Just about everything in Bevon's backyard was adorned with a submarine decoration. Uncle Sal speared a whole dill pickle with a plastic toothpick as Alice asked, "How do you know this guy again?"

"He's in the Grackles."

"Isn't it kind of weird to have a theme? I mean, it's like a kid's birthday party. What's his deal with submarines?"

Uncle Sal adjusted his Do It To It trucker hat "Yeah, maybe it's a little weird. Bevon's always sayin' that you got enough things weighin' ya down and makin' ya feel old, so ya might as well do whatever ya can to make ya feel like a kid again."

Uncle Sal piled some pastrami and pickled onions onto a hamburger bun, then spread a thick layer of pale ale mustard on top of it.

"As for the subs, he was in the navy. He spends a lot of time making scale-model subs. He's got 'em all over his house."

Alice and Uncle Sal drew closer to the dessert table. Alice pointed at a dessert shaped like the Washington Monument and asked. "What's with all the gelatin desserts?"

"Oh that. It's the only kinda dessert I ever seen him eat. Every year for the birthday bash, he asks people to bring their favorite gelatin dessert. People get pretty creative with the molds they use and the ingredients they put into it. See this one here?" He pointed to a gelatin dessert that matched the theme of the party. The mold for that one was a gift from me and a bunch of the other Grackles. Custom-made of course, from a shatter-proof kinda plastic. As long as he don't lose it, he should have it a long time."

Alice looked appalled. "Really? That's what you got him for his birthday?"

"Yeah. Pretty great, ain't it? A bunch of us chipped in and we all give 'im a Jell-o® submarine."

This episode featured:
Wilbert "Wiggles" Wigginton as Uncle Sal
Beverly "Sweets" Sauer as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Washington Monument dessert.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Put on your camo cuz you gotta blend into nature."