Uncle Sal and The Purple Pheasant (Episode 100)

Uncle Sal woke up to see Giacomo sitting to his left and Alice to his right. He blinked a few times, then shook his head. The pain made him close his eyes tight and grimace with pain. He looked around the room, then looked at Alice. "Where am I?"

Alice put her hand to her mouth and cleared her throat. Giacomo, realizing that she was too uncomfortable to tell him, jumped in. "You're in The Purple Pheasant swingers club."

Uncle Sal perused the room another time. "That explains all the velvet."

Alice arched one eybrow and said, "What exactly were you doing here, Sal?"

He shook his head and again the base of his skull screamed with pain. "Yow! I think someone musta given me the Philip Marlowe treatment. My head is killing me."

Alice remained with her eyebrow raised and her arms crossed. After a couple blinks, Uncle Sal said, "Heck if I know. I didn't even know this place was here. And it ain't the kinda place I'd frequent. I ain't got enough satin in my wardrobe ta visit a place like this."

"I brought him in here," came a voice from the door.

All heads turned to look at the man who held a meerschaum pipe in his right hand. He was dressed in a mauve velvet smoking jacket and a pair of red polka-dot boxers. "Well, I just couldn't leave him...where he was. Not when he was...shall I say, incapacitated."

Uncle Sal squinted and said, "Fred Bourse, is that you? Holy haddock! You more or less disappeared after Ten shut down."

The man in the smoking jacket bowed.

"Uncle Sal, you know this guy?"

"Sure I do. He used to work at that topless bowling alley called Ten down in Alpharetta, Georgia. And lemme tell ya, that didn't just describe the number of pins. It also was the perfect description of a lotta the waitresses worked there." Sensing Alice's glare, he continued. "Matter of fact, it was his idea to make the place topless. He did all the research about what permits were needed and all that. Place coulda been there forever if they'd only listened to him. Only thing is, he got submarined, by this guy Zane Fiskie and his own brother." Uncle Sal removed his glasses and put them in the pocket of his Association of Blond Latvian Engineers. "See this guy, every idea he has is gold. His brother and Fiskie could see that, and they got a little jealous. This guy here, he always had the boss's ear while those other two yahoos spent a lot of time chasing their tails. Anywho, these guys get it inta their heads that they need to take Fred down so maybe their ideas can be heard. If they had any ideas, that is. And they know just the way to do it. They start spreadin' rumors that Fred is an alcoholic. Well, it wasn't long after that, Fred got fired."

Fred jumped in. "And that was when my drinking problem actually started. Well, after I had been out of work for a while. Here I was, an honest worker, and no one would hire me because they had heard I was an alcoholic. Not just in Alpharetta either. I went to Mississippi, Louisiana, Florida, and couldn't get hired anywhere. I was really upset by it. And frankly, I did disappear for a while. Because of my anger and my depression, I disappeared into a bottle, then I disappeared into rehab. I've been back on my feet ever since I opened this place. Best move I ever made. I'll tell you that for nothing."

"Say, Fred. Didn't that bowling alley go under shortly after they let you go?"

"It did. All the people in charge didn't care what I had accomplished there. They heard the rumors and they believed them all completely. Funny thing is, I guess it wasn't really funny...my brother left that place shortly after I did. Fiskie sold him out too. My brother and I ended up in rehab together. It was not exactly the proudest time for my family."

Alice nodded and glanced first at Fred, then at Sal. She said, "I see what you're saying. You're saying that this man's drinking problem started because no one would book a miffed Bourse in the south."

Giacomo narrowed his eyes. "I think what the real point of the story is that at first, the topless bowling alley sacked the wrong Bourse."

"No, no, no. That ain't what I'm trying to say at all. What I'm saying is that all of Fred's good ideas didn't matter because in the end, it was Fiskie for the Ten and beer for the Bourses."

This episode featured:

Ebel Flowe as Uncle Sal

Early Turize as Giacomo

Oksana Plaine as Alice

Hugh "Georgie" Mann as Fred Bourse

and

Jellybean Merengue as the meerschaum pipe.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The man is obviously a psychotic."

NOTE: Thanks to loyal readers Jon Lee "Hooker" for suggesting the 3-for-1 special and Dave Moeggenberg for his suggestion about the setting of this landmark episode.

Uncle Sal and the Extraordinary Entree (Episode 99)

"Uncle Sal, it was a great idea to have this wild game dinner."

Uncle Sal pulled a napkin from the pocket of his Syndicate of Apple Polishers bowling shirt, and dabbed some barbecue sauce at the corner of his mouth. "I'll say it was. Whoever prepared this elk sure did a fine job."

"The ostrich burgers are pretty tasty too," Giacomo said as he removed a sesame seed from his shirt.

Uncle Sal pointed to the curried dish on his plate. "Ya know who brought this? This is one of the best dang things I ever had in my mouth, even if I dunno what it is."

"It's king snake."

Alice cringed. She wasn't particularly fond of snakes, but she didn't want to think about how the poor beast was killed and cooked.

Giacomo pointed across the room to a man who couldn't have been taller than five-feet-two and said, "My neighbor Han brought that. He's had this big snake is his backyard. He called it Kong, you know, because it's a kingsnake. He was pretty content just to let the thing patrol his yard, eating the rodents and what have you. But then one day, Han left his sliding patio door open slightly when he went to work. When he got back home, he realized that his leopard gecko was missing. Somehow, he got it in his head that Kong was responsible, even if he couldn't prove it. So, the next time he saw the snake in his yard, he hunted and killed it."

"Now, I've had snake before, but I ain't never had snake like this."

"Well, I'm not sure if cooking snake was part of the curriculum, but he's been taking classes at that Surrey Cooking School across town. That might be why it's so tasty."

"I'll say it is. We've got a lot of good dishes here, but this one's my favorite. I guess it just goes to show you that it takes a Surreyed Han to bring a curried Kong.

This episode featured:

Carl "Fozzie" Behrenstein as Giacomo

Friedrich Fox as Uncle Sal

Penny Nicholls as Alice

and

Jellybean Merengue as the barbecue sauce.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The boy's as stubborn and mulish as a sheep."

Uncle Sal and the Spurned Squeeze (Episode 98)

Giacomo sat down across from Joe at the card table in the back room of Alice's house. Uncle Sal asked? "Where ya been? We been waiting for a fourth so we could play pinochle while the women are tending the grill."

Giacomo exhaled a big breath and said, "Yeah, well I was unavoidably detained. Just before we left, my good friend Leticia called. She was all hysterical and I couldn't get her off the phone. That reminds me." He removed his phone from his pocket and switched it off.

Uncle Sal took a macadamia nut that had fallen onto his Confederacy of Rotund Nightwatchmen bowling shirt, threw it into the air, and caught it in his mouth.

"Apparently, Leticia has been going out with two guys, Ted Oosterblaat and Digger Wise. Both of them called her today and told her that they wanted to break up. She tells me Ted is a real small guy. He's only five-feet-one and about a hundred and ten pounds. He broke up with her because he was intimidated by her size. Funny thing is, Leticia is not that big. She's maybe five-feet-seven. She's got a little junk in the trunk, but I'd say overall she's average size. You'd think he'd be used to dating women bigger than him. I mean, what are the odds he's going to find a woman smaller than he is?"

Uncle Sal took a sip of his Spud's and shuffled the cards.

"Then she goes on to tell me that Digger, he's a real outdoors sort of guy. He's always going hiking, or biking, or something like that. Always looking for a new thrill outdoors. He broke up with her because he said she takes too long to do her hair and makeup whenever they plan to go somewhere. He actually told her that he wants a woman that's lower maintenance. "

Uncle Sal looked at the hand he had dealt himself and said, "I see what you're saying. She's all bent outta shape because she's burly to Ted and girly to Wise."

This episode featured:

Hubie "Cornbread" Butters

Ichabod Imperioli as Joe

Cornelius Vanderlinden as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the macadamia nut.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Martinis are for squares, man."

Uncle Sal and the Barbarous Boss (Episode 97)

Giacomo had just arrived at Uncle Sal's place for a drink before they headed to the chainsaw juggling championships. Uncle Sal opened the cupboard and took out a yellow mug. He brought it into the living room and showed it to Giacomo. On it was an image of a container for baby powder and the words Uncle Ernie's Itch Powder. Only whoever had done the screening had added a B at the beginning of one of the words. Giacomo chuckled.

"Someone sent me this mug. Obviously an odd lot Not sure where they found it, but I'm sure it's not exactly what ol' Uncle Ernie had in mind." He set the mug down on the coffee table next to a biography of Jim Nabors and said, "This reminds me of when I worked for a screen printer. There was this guy at that place. Real charmer he was. He cussed more'n anyone I've ever known and always made catcalls at any woman walked by. A lotta times it was more'n just catcalls too. He spent just as much time goofing off as working. Course no one said anything on account of that knucklehead bein' the boss's son."

Uncle Sal sipped his whiskey sour and said, "Total screw-up, that guy. Dad gave him a job just so the kid would have sump'n to occupy his time. Anywho, this guy would do sump'n like this here mug. Matter of fact, they did it pretty regularly. I remember one time we got an order. Company wanted several hundred mugs, just black with white lettering that said Maine Mass Transit. Well, it don't take much imagination to figger out how the lollygagger changed that printing. Musta misprinted fifty mugs before anyone caught it."

"You didn't say anything?"

"No, I didn't say nothin'. I had just started there when he did that one. New guy's word against the boss's son. I don't like my odds there. Especially since the son was my supervisor. So I did the only thing I could do. I stood and watched the creep blunder the mug."

This episode featured:

Anton Lefebvre as Giacomo

Eustace Nollidge as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the biography of Jim Nabors.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "They're savages, Mr. President."

Uncle Sal and the Poor Poet (Episode 96)

Giacomo sat down on Uncle Sal's couch and picked up the Scotch and soda Uncle Sal had placed on the Pecos Bill coaster. Uncle Sal said, "So are you ready for the school bus demolition derby?"

Before Giacomo could answer, his phone rang. He looked at the number displayed and rolled his eyes. "Hey Steve. Look, I can't talk right now. Yeah, I'll give you a call when I can."

Uncle Sal felt the pocket of his Brotherhood of Oyster Merchants bowling shirt and pulled out a five dollar bill. As he slid the bill into his wallet, he asked "What was that all about?"

"That was Steve McCool. You remember him, right? They came to visit me one time and he and his girlfriend Lucretia did nothing but sit and watch TV. Well, now he's got a new girlfriend named Dee. And he's writing poems about her."

"Nothing wrong with that."

"Not on the face of it. I mean, it's a really thoughtful thing to do. But these poems are terrible. He's written odes, haiku, and I think he is working on a sonnet. The thing is, he's always calling me to run these poems by me. And he asks for my input. The other day, he asked me if I could come up with a word that rhymes with hazel. The only one I could really think of was basil. So he ended up saying that her eyes are like an herb."

Giacomo sipped his drink and said, "I don't know what to do. I don't want to have any part of these awful poems, but he keeps calling me and he's been such a good friend for such a long time."

Uncle Sal took a sip of his Scotch and said, "Sounds to me like there's not a lot you can do. I mean you can stop taking his phone calls but it sounds like he'll find some way to get these poems to you cuz he's really got a Dee in his sonnet. "

This episode featured:

Percy Plisskin as Giacomo

Byron Beaverton as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the Pecos Bill coaster.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Someone oughta sell tickets."

Uncle Sal and the Collared Connoisseur (Episode 95)

Inside A Cool Dry Place jazz club. Honeydew McMillan was on stage, setting out a plate of the fruit for which she was named. Uncle sal took a piece, ate it, then wiped his hands on his League of Fearsome Facial Hair bowling shirt before joining Joe at the bar.

"Say Joe, did you hear about the latest sting by the police?"

"No. What happened?"

"Well, it seems they were after this guy Rollie Hitchens as bein' some kinda organized crime figure."

The bartender came to the end of the bar and Uncle Sal ordered a shot of rye and a Spud's.

"I mean, they suspected this guy of all sorts of criminal behavior. They had all sorts of circumstantial evidence that suggested he was into gamblin', protection schemes, the whole nine." Uncle Sal took the shot of rye and felt the warmth spread through his chest as the flavor lingered on his tongue. "So they bug his place. Well, they hadda know that if the guy was really in organized crime, he wouldn't be stupid enough to say anything incriminatin' in his house or place of bidness. So that went bust."

On stage, Honeydew McMillan sang the first line of "Jelly Don't Shake Like That," and Uncle Sal continued. "But then the cops got a tip, right. Turns out there was a shipment of pinot noir coming in somewhere and Hitchens was planning to hijack the whole thing. Not just a case, or anything like that. They got this tip that the guy was going to hijack the entire shipment from the docks. So the cops set up a sting and they nabbed this guy trying to take the entire shipment of wine onto a truck. Here's the kicker though. He said he wasn't planning to sell it. He was gonna keep it for his own personal enjoyment."

Joe sipped his Moscow Mule and said, "You don't mean..."

"That's right. The cops were able to nab this guy because a Hitch in crime craves wine."

This episode featured:

Willie "Fathead" McConkey as Uncle Sal

Steven "Stinkeye" Gruffman as Joe

Wanda Blossom as Honeydew McMillan

and

Jellybean Merengue as the plate of honeydew.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It's fourth and fifteen and you're facing a full-court press."

Uncle Sal and the Stressed Supervisor (Episode 94)

Uncle Sal sat down across from his former co-worker Al Duvall in Stu's House of Stew and brushed some lint off of his Fraternal Order of Rodent Keepers bowling shirt. Al had already torn a napkin to shreds.

Uncle Sal asked, "What's the matter, Al? You look a little stressed."

"I am a little stressed. I have these two employees, Drew Joostens and Drew MacTavish. MacTavish seems OK. Real team player. I mean, I use a lot of sports metaphors in our meetings. In fact, Kensington likes it so well that he's always bringing me more metaphors to use. He says it makes him feel more like a sports anchor than a salesman."

Uncle Sal removed an ice cube from his Carhenge glass and hoped a waitress would come by soon so he could have something to drink besides water. 

"Joostens on the other hand, is a little uptight in general. But then today after our meeting, he stayed behind. He said he'd had it with my sports metaphors. Told me he doesn't care at all about sports so when I say something like 'It's a grand slam,' it just annoys him. You'd think he might be able to just tune them out, but I guess they really make him angry. Who knows why? Anyway, after our meeting today, he told me that if I don't stop using the sports metaphors, he's going to human resources to tell them that I harass all the women. At that point, it's his word against mine."

"But it ain't true, right?"

"No of course, it's not true. But what if it comes to that and they believe him instead of me?"

"Hold on, hold on. Ya ain't gotta worry about human resources. Ya just gotta stop with the sports metaphors. I mean, the one guy likes 'em but it's grating for the other Drew, Duvall."

This episode featured:

Reed Caves as Uncle Sal

Buck Diggler as Al Duvall

and

Jellybean Merengue as the ice cube.  

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak."