Uncle Sal and the Purveyors of Pop (Episode 143)

Uncle Sal walked past Maude's Maison de Muumuus with Giacomo and heard some music coming from the store. Uncle Sal scrunched his face and said, "What is that racket?"

"It's Lady Gaga. She's one of the most popular artists in music right now." Uncle Sal removed his Onionhead hat and scratched his head. Giacomo answered, "Yeah, I don't understand it either. I think she's awful."

Uncle Sal picked up a flyer advertising an Mississippi Mudflaps show and handed it to Giacomo. I have these friends, Amanda and Chuck Fish. They love Lady Gaga. They were raving about her the other night when I had them over for drinks. I told them that I didn't even know any of her songs and don't want to. They couldn't believe it. They wondered how I could not have heard any of her songs because they are all over the radio."

The two ducked into The Crow Bar and after ordering their drinks, Giacomo continued. "I told them it's because I listen to good music. You should have heard their response to that. They tried to convince me that Lady Gaga's music is actually good because it gets people to dance and have a good time. Needless to say, I didn't buy it, even after they played me that song we heard. They asked me to put on an album that I defined as good music. So I looked through my collection and found the perfect one. I mean, we were having mai tais and I put on Legalize It by Peter Tosh. After two songs, they both told me that it only made them want to get stoned and eat salty snacks. Can you believe it? I mean, that album is a classic."

Uncle Sal sipped his Aviator Fuel and said, "Maybe so, but you learned an important lesson. I bet you ain't gonna Tosh no Fishes anymore."

This episode featured:
Lou "Hartford" Wailer as Uncle Sal
Reggie "Rebel" Sole as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Mississippi Mudflaps flyer.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Even my mama's callin' me a bum."

Many thanks to the true American original Mojo Nixon for inspiring the final line of this episode.

Uncle Sal and the Broken Beau (Episode 142)

Uncle Sal heard the doorbell and went to the door. He opened it to find Giacomo standing there. "Giacomo, this is a surprise. I thought you were going to that New Jersey Neckwarmers show."

"I should be on my way right now."

"Hey I was just sittin' down to a dinner of crab Newburg. Made it myself. I'll dish some up for ya." He put some onto Giacomo's plate, then tucked a napkin into his burnt orange and red western shirt.

Giacomo thanked him and followed him to the table. "Like I said, I should be on my way to that show right now. It was all set up. My friend Drew Heffenzemmer and I had our tickets for months, and it was gonna be great. I mean the Neckwarmers usually play much larger venues, and here they were going to play a pretty intimate venue. It was an awesome opportunity."

Giacomo shook some seafood seasoning onto his crab and said, "But Drew. He's changed. I mean, nobody is a bigger fan of this band than he is. He not only has every studio album and every live album. He also has bootlegs of shows from gigs all over the world. He used to go out all the time. And man, would he do some crazy stuff. Real life of the party sort of guy, always the last one to leave. Or he used to be, before he started dating Loretta Foye. She's real conservative and she has told him that they can't be in a relationship if he's always going out and being crazy. She put the kibosh on this Neckwarmers show. Plus, if I call him, he hems and haws and ultimately says he's just going to stay in and watch a movie or some TV with Loretta."

Uncle Sal dabbed the corner of his mouth and said, "Well, it ain't the first time a guy changed for a woman. But I see what yer sayin'. It's a shame that a Foye tamed Drew."

This episode featured:
Steve "Whip" Smart as Uncle Sal
Mark Mullett as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the seafood seasoning.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He thinks he's Pee Wee Herman."

Uncle Sal and the Enigmatic Emblem (Episode 141)

Inside Murray's Meats, Alice took a package of Attila Lunch Meats liverwurst and said, "You know what I've never been able to understand? The company is called Attila, but the mascot on the package is a monkey."

Uncle Sal put a coupon for shark cartilage in the pocket of his western shirt and said, "That's Chester Chimp. I was actually working for Attila when we adopted the monkey as the symbol. See, there was this guy I worked with, Joel Danville. He was a wiz at advertising. He come up with more successful ad campaigns than anyone that worked there. Everyone always loved his ideas because they were generally home runs. After grabbing a sample cocktail sausage. "Well, I shouldn't say everyone. Or always. Joel's boss Craig Splechnik was always really hard on Joel. Usually fought him tooth and nail. Not that it was just Joel. Craig did that with everyone. But Danville was usually able to convince Craig somehow."

"And then there was this time that Joel had what he thought was a great idea. Said we should make a commercial with a monkey eating a sandwich with out meats. He loved the idea and he came to me all excited about it. I just looked at him and told him I didn't like it. Thought it was utter nonsense. But he was convinced that it would be memorable and that people would love it. He was ready to barge right into Craig's office with it. I wasn't so sure about it, but he wasn't gonna listen to me."

"So, what happened?"

"Well, you can see what happened. The monkey became really popular after I told him 'Run it up to Craig, Joel, and see who disputes.'"

This episode featured:
Della Monaco as Alice
Yaroslav "London" Broyles as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the shark cartilage coupon.

Tune in next week, when Uncle Sal says, "All in favor of crumpets and tea, say 'Aye!'"

Uncle Sal and the Fallacious Fisherman (Episode 140)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo stepped onto the boat and were welcomed by the owner and host of the fishing trip.

"Welcome. Welcome aboard the Grateful Phredd. I hope you guys are ready to do some serious fishing. I've been having a lot of success in the last month or so. Seems like everything has been biting: pike, bass, catfish. We should all be able to get our haul today and eat well tonight."

Uncle Sal adjusted his skipper's cap, popped his first Spud's and chatted with Fred as other guests filtered onto the boat. "Got some nice nightcrawlers there, Fred." He said as he put his hand into the bait box. He looked around the boat and said, "Looks like we gotta good group. When do we get this trip underway."

Fred said, "We're still waiting on one person, Rick. No one really wants him on the trip. He's a topper. Anything you've done, he's done better or more often. He's the worst kind of guy to have on a fishing trip. No doubt he'll try to tell you that he's caught the biggest of every kind of fish in the lake. He once told me about how he caught an 85-pound marlin. Said the thing fought him for three hours and just when he thought he couldn't fight that fish anymore, he got him on the deck. Then he told me that he wrestled that marlin into submission on the deck of the boat. Funny thing is, I never saw any photos. He doesn't have any marlin on his wall at home. But he has an explanation for that. The camera on the boat got wet and wouldn't work. And he did have the thing mounted on the wall until his wife gave it away at a garage sale."

"Sounds like he's gonna be a real drag. Nobody wants him here, how come he's coming along?"

Fred sipped a beer and said, "He's my brother-in-law. What am I gonna do? And look here he is now."

After a long pull on his bottle of Spud's, Uncle Sal shook his head and said, "Well, ain't that a Rick on the Phredd?"

This episode featured:
Marlon Gill as Uncle Sal
Lester Trout as Giacomo
Phil Salmons as Fred
Walter "Jersey" Pike as Rick
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bait box.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Do you realize it's snowing in my room?

Uncle Sal and the Feckless Fielder (Episode 139)

Uncle Sal settled into his seat at his first Wombats game of the year. It didn't take long before he was voicing his displeasure, and not about the nacho cheese on his turquoise Wombats replica jersey. A Mudskippers player hit an easy ground ball to the shortstop Al Derman. The displeasure came when Derman let the ball go through his legs into the outfield.

"Boy, Giacomo. I can't believe the Wombats can't find anybody better'n Derman at shortstop."

"It's still early in the season. Maybe he'll come around."

"Not from what I read about the guy. Seems he's got a reputation for having a skillet at the end of his arm instead of a baseball mitt. Reminds me of a guy on the team when I played for the Wombats. Second baseman by the name of Rob Leffenwaffel. I tell ya, the guy couldn't field a beach ball." Uncle Sal washed a nacho down with a big gulp of Spud's.

"You could hit the slowest ground ball known to man, and Leffenwaffel would find a way to get that ball into the outfield. Only reason he ever saw the field was because he was all we had. Anyway, we had one game where ol' Leffenwaffel had three errors in a single inning. It was so bad, the manager put me, a right fielder, in at second base. Well, after the game, the manager is really leanin' into Leffenwaffel. Tellin' him he's tired of seeing so many errors. He explains what he wants. He wants Leffenwaffel to carry a ball in his mitt all the time: in the shower, when he eats, when he sleeps. Just so Leffenwaffel can get used to the feeling of a ball in his mitt. Coach knew it wasn't gonna happen any other way."

"You mean..."

"That's right. After so many errors all the time, the manager finally told him, 'Take this, Rob, and glove it.'"

This episode featured:
Ty "Corny" Cobham as Uncle Sal
Cy "Young" Francklinstein as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the nacho cheese.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Salvation is a last-minute business, boy."

Uncle Sal and the Confounded Cop (Episode 138)

Uncle Sal sat at the bar of the Liberty Bull Steakhouse next to his former partner on the police force Elton LaRady. He set his emerald balmoral cap on the bar and motioned to the bartender for a Spud's and a shot of rye.

"Hey Sal. Good to see you."

Uncle Sal tossed a Cajun almond into his mouth and said, "Good to see you to. It's been too long."

"Yeah, it has. Hey, are you going to the golf outing for all the old gang that worked at the 67th Precinct?"

"Hadn't heard about it. When is it?"

"Two weeks from Saturday."

"'Fraid I can't make it then."

"What? Yer gonna miss the golf outing with Bones, Lugnut, and the rest of the gang?"

"That day is no good. It's the day of Ciaran Smude's annual fish fry. Well, it's a fish fry, but it's mostly just pike."

"And you'd rather go to that?"

"Clearly, you have never had this guy's pike. He prepares it every way you can think of. With pecans, with coconut, some kinda cranberry sauce, and of course your standard beer batter. Only he must use some kinda high-quality brew in his batter, because it's amazing. I dunno how he comes into so much fish. He must know someone that works on a boat. And I don't know where he learned to cook, but I'm tellin ya, ya never had anything like it."

Elton sipped his gin and shook his head. "I can't believe it. You're gonna miss seeing all the guys from the 67th so you can eat some fish."

"Nothin' can be done about it. I block off that day on my calendar every year. I just have to be there when Smude cooks pike, LaRady.

This episode featured:
Alan "The Arrow" Smith as Uncle Sal
Perry Josephson as Elton LaRady
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Cajun almond.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He's a nihilist. He doesn't believe in anything.

Uncle Sal and the Bitten Baseballer (Episode 137)

Uncle Sal removed his tangerine-colored balmoral cap and settled in next to Joe at The Crow Bar. He motioned for a Spud's and a shot of whiskey and glanced at the flat screen television behind the bar and saw the score of the Wombats game. The team was losing by three runs but it was still in the early innings.

"Say, Joe. Didja see the game last night?"

"No, I missed it."

"But ya heard about it, right? The incident with Arn Freeberg?"

"Yeah, I heard about it. Pretty crazy stuff."

"You don't know the half of it. I talked to the third base coach this morning. He gave me the story. Seems when Freeberg came up to bat in the ninth with a chance to win the game, the catcher Palmeiro was talkin' all kinda junk tryin' to get into Arn's head. He was throwin' all kinda stuff at him. You know, that Freeberg's wife was pregnant with Palmeiro's kid, that Arn's wife was workin' at a local strip club. That he couldn't hit a watermelon with a sledge hammer. Y'know, the sort of stuff ballplayers have been sayin' forever, tryin'a get into the opponent's head. Well, that was all well and good, but then just before the pitch where Freeberg struck out to end the game, Palmeiro called Arn's mom a Swedish meatball. Everyone knows Freeberg's mom is a Finn."

"And that's why he bit Palmeiro?"

"That's the story I got from the third base coach. Just goes to show you, when you mention his mama, you're talkin' on the bitin' side of Free."

This episode featured:
Errol "Strawberry" Fielder as Uncle Sal
Gunther Mounds as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the television.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Lady, you need some Band-Aids."