Uncle Sal looked at the beads of sweat on the upper lip and hairline of Garret Gemora and wondered if the longtime broadcaster for the Wombats was going to have a heart attack.
Gemora leaned his red face into the microphone and said, "Oh sweet Petunia! We've got a ripsnortin' humdinger of a barnburner tonight! Quite a situation we've got here. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded. The Wombats trail by a run. The count is two balls and a strike to Benny Kluharski. Holy flounder! What a game! You picked a heckuva game to be our guest announcer, Sal."
"It sure has been fun to watch, Garret."
"Fun? This game's as tense as my ex-wife in a room full of spiders. Or accountants."
Uncle Sal glanced at Gemora as the ball was delivered to home plate. "Jumpin' cockroaches! What was Klu swinging at on that pitch? Two balls and two strikes. Everyone in the crowd is on their feet now, and in full throat. I've been broadcasting Wombats games for twenty-three years now and I've never heard it this loud. Why, it's so loud in here, you could put that band, whatsitsname, The Mississippi Mudflaps in a woodshed and it wouldn't be louder. A man can't even hear his own platitudes. What do you think about that, old Sally boy?"
"Well, it sure is..."
"Too high! Ball three! Oh my! I don't think my heart can take much more of this. The pitcher steps off of the mound. He needs some time to think about this one. It all comes down to one last pitch. I tell ya, this game is more exciting than a flaming rollercoaster ride into a barrel of monkeys."
Uncle Sal removed his cardinal bowler hat and scratched his head as he looked askance at the voice of the Wombats. "Well, I don't know too much about that, but I do know the Wombats win if the Klu hits, Garret."
This episode featured
Cooter Secore as Garret Gemora
Dieter Adolphus as Uncle Sal
Jellybean Merengue as the microphone
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It will blow your funky mind."
[18 March 2008]