Uncle Sal and the Blue-Collar Bowler (Episode 145)

As Uncle Sal strapped on his orange and mustard yellow bowling shoes at lane 9 of The Chicken Bowl, he asked Giacomo, "We're rolling against Lukasz Zumieski and Zoom Hardware tonight, right?"

Giacomo adjusted his wristguard and said, "That's right."

Uncle Sal looked toward the counter and said, "Say, isn't that Tony 'The Gel' Gelfrido over there?"

"It sure is."

"But he's a professional bowler. What's he doing here? And why is he wearing a Zumieski Hardware bowling shirt?"

"Haven't you heard? He's not a professional bowler anymore. Remember, he had hat match against The Hungarian Hammer? He won the first game easy. I mean, it looked like he was just going to walk away with another tournament championship. But then, in the first frame of the second game, he ended up with a tough split. He missed it. I mean, an open frame for him was pretty unusual. Well, that match didn't get any better for him. He lost the first two games by a bigger margin than he had won the first one. It was just one loss, but after that The Gel seemed like he lost all confidence. He stopped winning tournaments. In fact, he didn't even come close. I don't think he made it to the quarterfinals of any event after that. Then his wife left him, for, get this, a used car salesman. After that, he kind of gave up bowling altogether. But now, he's moved back to town."

"Mmm-hmm. And it's for Zoom The Gel rolls."

This episode featured:
Mauricio "Ten" Pinsternack as Uncle Sal
Logan Streicher as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the wristguard.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Those Yankees are real turds."

Uncle Sal and the Prolific Prankster (Episode 144)

Uncle Sal set his bottle of Spud's down on the table and settled into his chair at the Fraternal Order of Grackles meeting. After a sip of his beer, he said to Giacomo, "Who's that guy across the room looks like the cat that just ate the canary?"

"That's Cy Wojciechowski, he's the recorder of the organization. Anything that's ever happened in this chapter of the Grackles, he knows about it."

"Why's he look like he's up to sump'n?"

"Probably because he is up to something. He's not only the recorder, he's also the resident prankster." Giacomo downed one of his oyster shooters and said, "He's always pulling pranks on guys, especially with their cars."

Uncle Sal adjusted his Beleaguered Beaver watch and said, "Not like sugar in the gas tank or anything like that?"

"No, nothing that damages the car. He never actually does any of the stuff. It would be too suspicious if he got up during the meeting. So, he sends some of his buddies out to mess with a guy's car. One time, this guy Mike Hawke, he's almost as big a fan of the Wombats as you. Well, his car ended up with Go Mudskippers painted on his windows. With that paint that washes off really easily. Another guy had a Ford Ranchero, and after the meeting, he went out to find his car filled with shaving cream balloons. I mean, his car was packed. He had to be really careful getting the balloons out so the shaving cream didn't explode all over his interior."

"And now he's looking for his next victim?"

"Probably."

"Well, I don't know what they're cooking up over there, but whatever it is, it's got Cy Wojo smirking."

This episode featured:
"Blue" Gene Edbom as Uncle Sal
Maurice "Memphis Mo" Fournier as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the oyster shooter.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "My woman got a cross-eyed cat."

Uncle Sal and the Purveyors of Pop (Episode 143)

Uncle Sal walked past Maude's Maison de Muumuus with Giacomo and heard some music coming from the store. Uncle Sal scrunched his face and said, "What is that racket?"

"It's Lady Gaga. She's one of the most popular artists in music right now." Uncle Sal removed his Onionhead hat and scratched his head. Giacomo answered, "Yeah, I don't understand it either. I think she's awful."

Uncle Sal picked up a flyer advertising an Mississippi Mudflaps show and handed it to Giacomo. I have these friends, Amanda and Chuck Fish. They love Lady Gaga. They were raving about her the other night when I had them over for drinks. I told them that I didn't even know any of her songs and don't want to. They couldn't believe it. They wondered how I could not have heard any of her songs because they are all over the radio."

The two ducked into The Crow Bar and after ordering their drinks, Giacomo continued. "I told them it's because I listen to good music. You should have heard their response to that. They tried to convince me that Lady Gaga's music is actually good because it gets people to dance and have a good time. Needless to say, I didn't buy it, even after they played me that song we heard. They asked me to put on an album that I defined as good music. So I looked through my collection and found the perfect one. I mean, we were having mai tais and I put on Legalize It by Peter Tosh. After two songs, they both told me that it only made them want to get stoned and eat salty snacks. Can you believe it? I mean, that album is a classic."

Uncle Sal sipped his Aviator Fuel and said, "Maybe so, but you learned an important lesson. I bet you ain't gonna Tosh no Fishes anymore."

This episode featured:
Lou "Hartford" Wailer as Uncle Sal
Reggie "Rebel" Sole as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Mississippi Mudflaps flyer.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Even my mama's callin' me a bum."

Many thanks to the true American original Mojo Nixon for inspiring the final line of this episode.

Uncle Sal and the Broken Beau (Episode 142)

Uncle Sal heard the doorbell and went to the door. He opened it to find Giacomo standing there. "Giacomo, this is a surprise. I thought you were going to that New Jersey Neckwarmers show."

"I should be on my way right now."

"Hey I was just sittin' down to a dinner of crab Newburg. Made it myself. I'll dish some up for ya." He put some onto Giacomo's plate, then tucked a napkin into his burnt orange and red western shirt.

Giacomo thanked him and followed him to the table. "Like I said, I should be on my way to that show right now. It was all set up. My friend Drew Heffenzemmer and I had our tickets for months, and it was gonna be great. I mean the Neckwarmers usually play much larger venues, and here they were going to play a pretty intimate venue. It was an awesome opportunity."

Giacomo shook some seafood seasoning onto his crab and said, "But Drew. He's changed. I mean, nobody is a bigger fan of this band than he is. He not only has every studio album and every live album. He also has bootlegs of shows from gigs all over the world. He used to go out all the time. And man, would he do some crazy stuff. Real life of the party sort of guy, always the last one to leave. Or he used to be, before he started dating Loretta Foye. She's real conservative and she has told him that they can't be in a relationship if he's always going out and being crazy. She put the kibosh on this Neckwarmers show. Plus, if I call him, he hems and haws and ultimately says he's just going to stay in and watch a movie or some TV with Loretta."

Uncle Sal dabbed the corner of his mouth and said, "Well, it ain't the first time a guy changed for a woman. But I see what yer sayin'. It's a shame that a Foye tamed Drew."

This episode featured:
Steve "Whip" Smart as Uncle Sal
Mark Mullett as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the seafood seasoning.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He thinks he's Pee Wee Herman."

Uncle Sal and the Enigmatic Emblem (Episode 141)

Inside Murray's Meats, Alice took a package of Attila Lunch Meats liverwurst and said, "You know what I've never been able to understand? The company is called Attila, but the mascot on the package is a monkey."

Uncle Sal put a coupon for shark cartilage in the pocket of his western shirt and said, "That's Chester Chimp. I was actually working for Attila when we adopted the monkey as the symbol. See, there was this guy I worked with, Joel Danville. He was a wiz at advertising. He come up with more successful ad campaigns than anyone that worked there. Everyone always loved his ideas because they were generally home runs. After grabbing a sample cocktail sausage. "Well, I shouldn't say everyone. Or always. Joel's boss Craig Splechnik was always really hard on Joel. Usually fought him tooth and nail. Not that it was just Joel. Craig did that with everyone. But Danville was usually able to convince Craig somehow."

"And then there was this time that Joel had what he thought was a great idea. Said we should make a commercial with a monkey eating a sandwich with out meats. He loved the idea and he came to me all excited about it. I just looked at him and told him I didn't like it. Thought it was utter nonsense. But he was convinced that it would be memorable and that people would love it. He was ready to barge right into Craig's office with it. I wasn't so sure about it, but he wasn't gonna listen to me."

"So, what happened?"

"Well, you can see what happened. The monkey became really popular after I told him 'Run it up to Craig, Joel, and see who disputes.'"

This episode featured:
Della Monaco as Alice
Yaroslav "London" Broyles as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the shark cartilage coupon.

Tune in next week, when Uncle Sal says, "All in favor of crumpets and tea, say 'Aye!'"