Buckeyes 52, Golden Gophers 10

Well loyal reader, I am back on track. I didn't post a recap last week because I was working on a deadline for a project and by the time I might have gotten around to my weekly recap, it was Monday.
The Good
Offense
I know it was Minnesota, but Boom Herron looked better than he has all year. He fought for extra yards and first downs instead of just ending up in a pile like he's done a lot this year. Terrelle Pryor for the most part looked pretty good. It's hard to argue with 18 completions on 22 attempts, plus 55 rushing yards. Even so, I can't say he had a perfect game. Devier Posey had a big game. It almost seemed like it could have been bigger because Minnesota couldn't cover him. I'm still lobbying for Sanzenbacher to get the ball more. That guy just knows how to catch the ball.
Defense
Again, it's hard to complain with the results. Adam Weber completed fewer than half of his passes. The defense not only racked up five sacks but also a touchdown. Brian Rolle is a beast. Chimdi Chekwa had a good game with an interception and a forced fumble. (I know. I can't believe I'm seeing that sentence either.) We sure did get to see a lot of defensive guys that we don't see very frequently.
Special Teams
Listing some good for the special teams? This is new too. Jordan Hall's punt return was great. I can't remember the last time we had a return even that close to a touchdown. Jon Newsome's punt block was amazing. I don't think I've ever seen a guy just block a punt as he was running by.
The Bad
Offense
It didn't take TP long to waste Jordan Hall's great punt return. There are the Buckeyes ready to add another touchdown and TP throws an interception. Isn't a junior supposed to know better than that?
Defense
Letting Minnesota score a touchdown on just four plays? Really? How do you ever let the Golden Gophers do that to you? Granted, the Gophers only got three points the rest of the game, but that was pretty shabby. Jermale Hines didn't have a great game. He had a crummy attempt at a tackle on Minnesota's touchdown. He had the facemask penalty after a play that would have forced Minnesota to punt.
Special Teams
Kick coverage still wasn't tremendous, but it wasn't great either. If Barclay is going to miss field goals, it's better that he do it in a game that the Buckeyes win by six touchdowns.
The Ugly
I can't really say there was anything ugly in this game. The closest to ugly was the defense on the first Minnesota drive.
Schwinderjection
I know an Oregon loss would help the Buckeyes, but rooting for USC? Come on, be reasonable.
Under the Radar player of the game
No one (probably since I started writing this as an e-mail to a select few) has taken more heat than Chimdi Chekwa. So, when the guy comes up big with an interception and a forced fumble, I have to recognize him. I believe that makes him the first two-time recipient this season.

Uncle Sal and the Statistical Savants (Episode 167)

Giacomo and climbed into Uncle Sal's Dodge Dart and closed the door. Uncle Sal brushed the cigar ash from his Hawaii Mud Bombers t-shirt and put his hand on the 8-ball gearshift and said "Hey Giacomo. I thought you were bringing a friend with you. That guy tried to pitch for the Wombats."

"Terry Prattle. He was supposed to come with us, but he's got something else going on."

"Something more interesting than watching folks try to carve a pumpkin underwater?"

He's one of the Seamheads."

"Seamheads? Them guys that sit at The Corny Toad hunched over their laptops and obsessing over baseball statistics?"

"Yeah, those are the guys. Every since Terry blew out his elbow trying to make the Wombats roster, he's gotten into that. You know, he figures since he can't play anymore, at least he can still follow the game."

Yeah, but what the heck they do that for? They compiling a dictionary of statistics or sump'n like that?"

"They do it for a couple reasons." Giacomo picked a brochure about the underwater pumpkin carving event off of the floor mat and looked it over. "One, they want to put together the best fantasy baseball team they can. They figure the best way to do that is to break it down statistically. The other reason they do it is that they actually send these oddball statistics to Garret Gemora and other play-by-play guys. With the championship series going on now, these guys would like nothing more than to have their statistics read on a national broadcast. I guess Terry doesn't do much of anything else when baseball season is going on. It's too bad, because he was really fun to be around before."

"And now he's just another dork in the Toad."

This episode featured:
Frankie Figures as Uncle Sal
Deron Digitz as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the floor mat.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency."

Uncle Sal and the Distinctive Deer (Episode 166)

Uncle Sal entered Giacomo's place, looked around and noticed how empty the place seemed. "Whoa, Giacomo! You movin'?"

Giacomo said, "No. You would have heard about it if I were moving."

"Why's your place look so empty? No car magazines, no coasters. What's up?"

As Uncle Sal walked to the bar, he flicked a pine needle off of his Les Sexareenos t-shirt. Giacomo answered, "Oh that. My girlfriend Padma is watching her nephew this weekend. She told me I better childproof the house for when she brings him over, so I put away everything that I care about, the magazines, the sports cards. I mean, as much as I like her, I don't want her nephew ruining all my cool stuff."

Uncle Sal dropped some maraschino cherries into glasses, then grabbed a bottle of bitters and added a dash to each glass before topping both glasses with a generous amount of bourbon. When he took the drink to Giacomo, he noticed something on the lowest shelf of the bookcase.

"What is that? A buck made out of silverware?"

Giacomo sipped his Manhattan and picked it up. As he studied it, Giacomo said, "Isn't this great? He used parts of a rolling pin for the body, spoons for the legs."

"Are those lacquered coffee beans for the eyes?"

"Yeah, and this is the best detail. See, he used fork tines for the antlers. I bartended a party he threw and he gave me this for my efforts. I like it. I mean, no one else has anything like it."

"I'll say so. That's a one of a kind piece for sure. But if it means anything to you at all, you better set your Kriek stag high."

This episode featured:
Robb Cervidae as Uncle Sal
Antoine "Chocolate" Moosse as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bottle of bitters.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth."

Badgers too much, Buckeyes not enough

Give the Buckeyes credit. This is a team that knows how to lose games that start after 3:30 Eastern time. In spectacular fashion, I might add.
The Good
Offense
Boom Herron had a good game, averaging almost five yards per carry. Aside from that, the only thing to put here is a simple plea: get the ball to Dane Sanzenbacher more. That catch he made in the 3rd quarter to bail Terrelle Pryor out of another incompletion was awesome.
Defense
Ummmm...give me a minute. It will come to me. Ummm...the defense...oh yeah! Andrew Sweat had an interception.
The Bad
Offense
Terrelle Pryor was awful. It's that simple. He completed 50% of his passes and generally just did not look like a Heisman candidate. Heck, he barely looked like a quarterback. Too bad you only get to play the Hoosiers once a year, eh TP? I do not understand the play calling on the field goal drive. First and goal from inside the 10, and you run QB draw, a direct snap to Herron and then another QB run? The Buckeyes looked like they had no interest in finishing that drive with a touchdown.
Defense
The defense got punched in the mouth immediately and never recovered. I have no idea what happened to the defense in this game. I realize the Wisconsin offensive line is immense, but let's not forget what Archie once said, "It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog. Safe to say that there was no fight in this dog in this game.
Special Teams
How on earth does a guy return a kickoff 97 yards without getting touched at least once?
The Ugly
I don't even need to divide this up. Aside from the two 3rd quarter touchdowns, just about everything offensively and defensively was ugly.
Schwinderjection
1. Ummm, maybe this is why the Buckeyes seem to get no respect from the BCS.
2. Dear TP, it's OK to look at a receiver other than Devier Posey.
Under the Radar player of the game
One thing is for sure, every Buckeye was under the radar in this game. Can you really name a player of the game for a team that wasn't even competitive? I don't think so.

Uncle Sal and the Spectacular Statue (Episode 165)

Uncle Sal walked into Giacomo's place and saw a giant straw-colored toad statue by the door. It was three feet tall and about as big around as a trash can lid. The toad was designed with overalls a big hat, and a piece of straw sticking out of its mouth.

"Holy mackerel! Will ya look at that? Where on earth did you get that?"

"Isn't that awesome? I got it at an estate sale."

Uncle Sal swatted a mosquito on his The Scrams t-shirt and made his way to the bar where he took some ice from the ice bucket and dropped it into a Harvey Mudd highball glass. "But how on earth did you take it away from there? And then how on earth did you get it up the driveway and the stairs into the house? That thing must weigh a ton."

"Well, to get it away from the house where the estate sale was, I had to call my friend Luther. He's got a pickup truck and a pallet jack. He gets that thing on the pallet jack and he realizes how heavy it is. He gets it into the bed of his truck and he says, 'I got news for you. There is no way we're going to get this in your house. Even if I can get it up the driveway, we won't be able to get it in the door by ourselves.' So, he comes up with a plan. He takes it from the house to his workshop. Now, it took a while, but he was able to hollow the whole thing out and he just brought it here yesterday. Now, anything valuable, or anything I want to hide from the girlfriend. I can just put it in there, because who's going to think to look inside it?"

Uncle Sal returned to the entry and took a long look at the statue. "There it is in all its glory and all because your friend was able to hollow the yellow hick toad."

This episode featured:
Clyde Anura as Uncle Sal
Adam Caine as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Harvey Mudd highball glass.

Buckeyes 38, Hoosiers 10

Well, the Buckeyes are the new #1 team in the country. And wouldn't you know it, they will be tested immediately with a game in Madison. But let's get to the game against the Hoosiers first.
The Good
Offense
OK, so how many of you had Terrelle Pryor's stat line as 24/30 for 334 yards with 3 TDs? Ummm...neither did I. That was as good as we've ever seen him throw the ball. Credit not only to TP for making the throws, but also to the offensive line for giving him loads of time to find his receivers. Oh, and the line did a great job opening a hole on Boom Herron's 39-yard TD run. Seeing a lot of the reserve running backs was pretty good. Carlos Hyde and Jaamal Berry look like they are going to be solid backs.
Defense
The defense held Ben Chappel to 106 passing yards after he had approximately 800 yards passing against scUM. What's that? He only had 480 yards passing against scUM? Well, in any case the defense showed Chappell that he wasn't facing the Wolverines anymore. Altogether, the defense only allowed 210 yards, and that was with a lot of reserves on the field at the end of the game.
The Bad
OK, so TP looked great throwing the ball, but the Buckeyes showed once again that without Pryor, they don't have much of a running game. Herron had 39 yards on his first carry and finished with 68. Hyde and Berry had some good runs, but only once the game was well in hand. A running game usually comes in pretty handy against Wisconsin. Also, giving up 3 sacks to Indiana by halftime? No es bueno.
The Defense
Seriously, is there anything to put here? Let me know if I'm missing anything.
The Ugly
Offense
There wasn't really anything ugly with the offense yesterday, but I'd say we still don't have an answer to the question "Who will run the ball if TP doesn't?"
Officials
Two penalties in the fourth quarter for helmet-to-helmet contact. The first one was questionable at best and the second one was completely bogus. Last I checked, putting your helmet in a guy's chest isn't a penalty.
Schwinderjection
OK, so maybe I was a little out of order with my Schwinderjection about the Miami game.
Under the Radar player of the game
Can there be any debate about this? Sure, the offensive line gave up 3 sacks, and there were an abundance of 1- and 2-yard runs. However, on the plays were the Buckeyes scored, the offensive line did everything it needed to do. And if the QB throws for 334 yards, the offensive line is doing something right.

Uncle Sal and the Malcontent Mother (Episode 164)

Uncle Sal walked into Giacomo's place and was quickly introduced to Giacomo's new girlfriend Amelia and her mother, Violet. Amelia wore some tight velvet pants and a crimson crop top so small it looked like it had been purchased in the junior department. Uncle Sal volunteered to help Giacomo make some drinks.

"I would like a very dry martini. You know how to make one of those, don't you? Not an apple martini, not a lemon martini, just a very dry gin martini," Amelia's mother Violet called to them.

Behind the bar, he said, "Geez, Giacomo! You've been going out with this girl for what, a week? Kinda early to be meetin' the mother ain't it?" As he opened the bottle of vermouth, a drop spilled onto his plaid Mighty Mighty Bosstones jacket and he quickly wiped it off.

"Trust me, it wasn't my idea. Amelia is a photographer and she took some shots for this guy Enzo Grappa." Before Giacomo could continue his story, Violet interrupted, "And put three olives in my martini. You do have olives, right? Well, three is the perfect amount. No more, no less."

As Giacomo and Uncle Sal mixed the drinks, Violet stepped around Giacomo's bronze tortoise statue and wandered over to Giacomo's bookcase, inspecting the spines for titles that would confirm he was not good enough for her daughter. With her back to everyone else in the room, she called, "I hope we're not going to that Eye-talian place for dinner. Their breadsticks always taste stale. And Amelia, I hope you told them I can't go to the Indian place. The spice doesn't agree with me."

Giacomo said, "So Enzo entered this raffle at the last Grackles meeting. He only bought one ticket but he won a thousand bucks. You believe that? So, to thank Amelia for the photos, he's taking us to La Grenouille Bleue."

Violet had been so intent on studying the books that she hadn't heard Giacomo or noticed that he standing behind her with the dry martini. "So where are we going to eat tonight? I do love martinis, but a woman cannot live on gin and olives alone."

Uncle Sal cleared his throat and said, "Ain'tcha been listenin'? Giacomo just said that we're going to La Grenouille Bleue because Grappa's got a grand, you hag."

This episode featured:
R. James Brownville as Uncle Sal
Dae Ho "Maceo" Park as Giacomo
Olivia Soul as Amelia
Eunice Hurlburtt as Violet
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bronze tortoise statue.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "So I'm not sick? Except for this terminal disease?"

Buckeyes 24, Fighting Illini 13

Give the Buckeyes points for consistency. Whether it's in the 'Shoe or in that drafty old barn in Champaign, the scarlet and gray always struggles more with the Illini than it should.
The Good
Offense
As always, Terrelle Pryor was money in the run game. That 66-yard run in the first quarter was amazing. What is most amazing about seeing him run is that he looks like's not even exerting himself. It was nice to see one of the running backs finally show up. Boom Herron ended up with some good numbers. I'll just say it, by the second half, it was good to see any running back get more than one yard on a carry. Oh, and it was nice to see a drive of almost 8 minutes, even if it did result in only a field goal.
Defense
The defense did what we've come to expect. It gave up only 11 first downs and 251 total yards. Ross Homan is always around the ball. You could say the same for Brian Rolle and Nathan Williams in this game. Cameron Heyward is just a lot for any offensive lineman to handle.
The Bad
Offense
Even before TP went down, that was as big a dose of Tresselball as we have seen in a while. At one point, the Buckeyes had a 1st and 22. And ran three consecutive running plays. The play calling led me to believe that the Buckeyes might as well have punted on first down. After that series, we wondered if any other FBS team (aside from the service academies and maybe Georgia Tech) would have had the same philosophy in that situation. I understand wanting to remain conservative in a place as windy as Memorial Stadium, but isn't there more than one run play in the road playbook?
Defense
Overall, the defense had a pretty good game, but the Illini seemed to have a pretty easy time of things on its TD drive. There was some poor tackling and no pass rush.
The Ugly
Offense
Aside from an abundance of 1- and 2-yard runs in the first half, there is only one thing to put here. I don't know about where you were watching the game, but at Dave and Busters in Irvine, the place went silent after TP went down in the third quarter.
Special Teams
Isn't there anyone on the OSU campus that can punt the ball more than 30 yards? Maybe teach this kid how to kick rugby style, where he gets the ball and runs to one side before kicking it.
Officials
I realize that holding can probably be called on every play. I also realize that part of being an offensive lineman is knowing how to get away with holding. It's understandable that a ref might miss an offensive lineman grabbing the front of a defender's jersey. However, I don't think I have ever seen so much holding of the back of a defender's jersey. That seemed to be the entire strategy for the Illinois offensive line. I guess if you can get away with it, why not?
Schwinderjection
You know that scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie is holding the lugnuts in the hubcap and then the lugnuts go flying, and he says "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge!" Only he doesn't really say fudge. I think that was probably the response across Buckeye Nation when Pryor went down and didn't get up immediately. Granted, he's not the best passer I've ever seen (although his completion percentage is pretty good this year), but the idea of losing him is a little horrifying simply because he has more rush yards than any running back so far.
Under the Radar player of the game
There are definitely some good candidates on defense, but this week the award goes to Nathan Williams. He had 2 tackles for loss and 1.5 sacks as part of his 9 total tackles.

Uncle Sal and the Challenged Critic (Episode 163)

In a Cool Dry Place jazz club, Uncle Sal and Alice sat at a table across from Giacomo and his new girlfriend Novalee, who wore a lime green tank top that was nearly as large as a bandanna and a pair of black jeans that looked like they had been painted on.

"Why's this place so crowded on a Wednesday?"

"Haven't you heard?"

Uncle Sal shook his head, then flagged down a waitress. He ordered a whiskey sour for Alice and a North Dakota Special for himself. He picked a blade of grass off of his Cocktail Slippers t-shirt and said, "So, what's happening?"

"You know Percy Motkovich from the Potboiler?"

"Sure. The critic that can't write worth a lick."

"That's right. Well, in a recent review, he said Claire Stoneleaf had a figure like a sack full of jelly donuts."

"Claire Stoneleaf? The movie star?"

"Yeah. I guess you can call her a movie star, even if she only stars in second-rate movies. Well, of course she took offense to that. But she didn't just call him out in the papers. She's an investor in this place and invited him here for an interesting challenge. You know that scene in Roxanne where Steve Martin says he can come up with a better insult for his nose than some yahoo that insulted him? It turns out he has to come up with twenty better insults. Claire figured that if Motkovich is the wordsmith he thinks he is, he should be able to come up with a lot of creative ways to insult her for her weight, and puts a thousand dollars on it. She figures twenty is a good starting point and throws a dart to see how many more he'll need to come up with to earn the grand. She nailed a triple twenty on the dartboard. You believe that?"

"So you mean to tell me that to win a thousand clams, Motkovich has to come up with a round B girl in eighty ways?

This episode featured:
Heywood Scurrilous as Uncle Sal
Rachael Tauntz as Alice
Seamus O'Probrium as Giacomo
Abby Aspersia as Novalee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the lime green tank top.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world."