Saturday, May 7, 2011

Uncle Sal and the Haunted Huntsman (Episode 194)

Uncle Sal entered Rock Around the Cocktails and removed his Carlton trucker hat. As he walked toward his friend Seamus O'Haim, he saw the bartender touch a lit kitchen match to a drink and then set the flaming drink on the bar. Uncle Sal ordered two Grateful Deads, then sat on the stool next to Seamus.

"You all right, mate?" Seamus asked after he removed the See's Candies lollipop from his mouth.

"Feelin' pretty good. I already booked my deer huntin' trip for later this year."

"That's some advance planning. Deer season is still months away."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm going to a good spot, so I wanted to make sure I have everything in order early. It's this place in Pennsylvania, recommended to me by Ulric Gill."

Seamus sipped his Grateful Dead and said, "Gill? The albino?"

"He ain't an albino. Least he wasn't born one. What happened was this. Ulric was on his annual huntin' trip, but he and the other guys he was with, they didn't see nothin' for a couple days. Like the deer were hidin' from 'em. But they had the camp for an entire week, so they stayed." Uncle Sal took a big drink of his Grateful Dead, then popped a couple pistachios in his mouth.
Well, Ulric one day, he's gotta use the can, so he heads off into the woods with his book and toilet paper. As he's squatting there, along comes a buck. Now, you know what a rutting buck is like. Only one thing on his mind and he'll take anything close to what he's looking for. That buck charged Ulric, and Ulric with his pants around his ankles. Not for long of course. He hiked up his pants and started running away from that buck. I don't think the fastest man alive could have caught Ulric that day. He heads back toward the cabin and somehow he's able to stay ahead of that buck. He gets to the door of the cabin and tries the knob. He's too nervous, can't open the door. He tries again. Nothin' happens. So he turns with his back to the door, thinking this is the end. Well, before that buck could tear him to shreds, someone opened the door and Ulric fell right in. He just lay there catatonic on the floor for a good long while.

Uncle Sal checked the score of the Wombats game on the television above the bar. "He woke up the next morning, his hair was white and it don't matter how much time he spends in the sun. He stays white no matter what."

Seamus looked at Uncle Sal and said, "Are you trying to tell me..."

"That's right. It's the deer that made Gill chalky, Seamus."

This episode featured:
Arion Schlitz as Uncle Sal
"Milwaukee" Mike Barley as Seamus
Jellybean Merengue as the kitchen match.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey, Morrissey. Kiss my big hairy butt."

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