Uncle Sal and the Mirthful Mascot (Episode 123)

As Uncle Sal and Alice walked downtown, he reached inside his Happy New Year sweater vest and removed his Walter Woodchuck toothpick holder from his shirt pocket. They stopped in front of the Hahn's Soul Oh! diner and Uncle Sal asked, "Didn't this used to be the schoolbook depository?"

"It sure did."

"An' now it's a soul food restaurant?"

"I'm surprised you haven't heard of it with as much as you like soul food."

"Yeah, me too." He leaned close to the placard that displayed the menu and said, "Boy, they got it all. Macaroni and cheese, collard greens, smothered pork chops. My mouth's waterin just standin here."

He was just about to make his way up the stairs when a costumed rodent burst through the door. The rodent carried a sign and went out to the street corner to try and attract traffic to the restaurant. "The heck is that? A giant rat? Why they'd have a giant rat as the mascot?"

"It's an otter."

"An otter? That don't make much more sense. Why an otter?"

"I suppose because otters eat mostly fish and this place specializes in catfish and oyster po'boys. And you'll never guess who's in that costume. You remember Cindy DuValliere?"

"Course I remember her. She was a big chief muckety-muck at the bank. You ain't tellin me she's dressed like a giant otter."

Alice nodded. "She was a big chief muckety-muck, but then when the economy went so bad, she was let go. That was seven months ago. She hasn't been able to find anything since then. She's lost her car, and I hear she's barely scraping by to keep her house. But then, she got this job and she's been telling anyone that'll listen that she's the one in the giant otter costume. She's just so thrilled to be employed. She'll take photos with anyone and she brags whenever she get the chance that she is the mascot for this place."

"I guess that goes to show you how bad things have gotten. She was a CEO and now she's proud to be the soul diner's otter."

This episode featured:
Barnard "Blue" Gill as Uncle Sal
Lawanda Gar as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Walter Woodchuck toothpick holder.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "You know where I can find Cuervo Jones?"

Rose Bowl preview

WARNING: If you thought my first look at the OSU-Oregon matchup was a downer, then by all means read no further. I'd love to tell you that when I look at this game it's all sunshine and daisies and skipping through lollipop fields singing "Happy Together." Unfortunately, I don't see those things.

Here is my recurring nightmare when I look at this game.
Ohio State's first drive - 3 and out. (Why break tradition?)
Oregon's first drive - The Ducks get some first downs, but ultimately the D holds and Oregon punts.
OSU drive #2 (Don't worry, I am not going to do a drive-by-drive preview of the game.) Brandon Saine gets 70 of 85 yards and caps the drive with a 55-yard TD run. Buckeyes 7, Ducks 0. (Unfortunately, Saine only gets 4 more carries the rest of the game.)
After a Ducks turnover, the Bucks play it conservatively and settle for a field goal. Buckeyes 10, Ducks 0.
NOTE: If it was sunshine and daisies you were looking for, you'll want to stop reading now.
The Buckeyes head in to the 2nd quarter with a 10-0 lead and the offense promptly takes the next 20 minutes of the game off while the Ducks offense most certainly does not. The Ducks build a lead during that period in which the Buckeyes offense forget a game is in progress. By the middle of the 3rd quarter, the Buckeyes offense realizes it had better do something. Only by that point it's too late to grind out a 1958-style victory against Oregon's potent offense. The defense does its level best, but in the end, it spends too much time on the field. (Yeah, we've seen that movie before.)

Now, I would like to indulge my fine sense of hubris and think that this somehow reaches the Buckeyes players. I would like to think that they'll use this as motivation to prove me wrong. I certainly hope that is the case. By all means, Buckeyes, prove me wrong.

Uncle Sal and the Reliable Remedy (Episode 122)

Uncle Sal answered his phone and heard Alice sounding like she had gargled gravel. "Great googily moogily Alice! You sound terrible! What on earth happened to you?"

She cleared her throat and said, "I know we were supposed to meet for breakfast, but I think I'm going to have to pass today. Our company Christmas party was last night. And I swore I'd only have one glass of egg nog. Which I did. But then I followed that with some rum. And some wine. And a little vodka."

"No wonder you sound so rough. Sounds like you need my no-fail hangover cure."

Alice exhaled loudly into her phone and said, "Do you really need to talk so loud? Everyone has a no-fail hangover cure. What's yours?"

Uncle Sal popped a piece of peanut brittle into his mouth and after crunching it right by the phone, plucked a crumb of it from his hot tamale sweater vest. "It don't sound very appetizing, but it works. It's dill pickle brine and pear nectar."

Alice made a gagging sound and Uncle Sal went on with his explanation. "I came up with it when I was a student at ol' Cotton U. I had a night just like you had and when I woke up in the mornin, my head hurtin so bad it felt like I's head-buttin a brick wall every time I moved. Well, like I said I was a college student. All I had in my fridge was some dill pickles, well, one dill pickle in brine. And some pear nectar. I figgered I had nothin to lose but my hangover, so I mixed them two things and drank it down."

"And that worked for you?"

"It ain't my no-fail hangover cure for nothin'. Since that day, I always have them two things in my fridge. The concoction'll either make you feel better, or it'll make you toss up whatever's makin ya feel so bad. Giacomo swears by it. Whenever he's had too much he asks me to whip that up for him."

"Really? You mean..."

"That's right. Whenever Giacomo's tied one on too heavily, he drinks my dill pear."

This episode featured:
Tom Collins as Uncle Sal
Brandy Alexander as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the peanut brittle.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The world is your oyster, but you're allergic to shellfish."

Uncle Sal and the Consumed Collector (Episode 121)

At lane 17 of the Chicken Bowl, Uncle Sal put his skull design bowling ball in the ball return and sat across from Cedric "Deep" Welles as he put on his shoes. Cedric removed a blue-haired troll doll (his good luck charm) from his bowling bag, looked at Uncle Sal's Welcome Back Kotter sweater vest and said, "Hey, you know who would love that shirt? My friend Bertie Rigmoramus."

Uncle Sal flagged down a waitress and ordered a Spud's.

"Bertie is a big fan of Welcome Back Kotter. I mean, he knows every episode by heart. And he has the entire series on DVD. I tell ya, I don't think I ever seen anyone so devoted to a television program. He's got a room all done up with memorabilia of the show: trading cards, lunchboxes, stickers, you name it. Of course, he's single. No woman would tolerate a room like that. I bet he don't have a sweater vest though."

Uncle Sal grabbed his ball and took a practice roll, a strike. He had the feeling it was going to be a good night at the lanes.

Cedric continued his story. "So Bertie, he's been going on eBay, looking for all the Kotter memorabilia he can find. His latest thing is, someone made a line of t-shirts. Each t-shirt features a different Sweathog on it. Seems he's got all of 'em except for Vinny Barbarino. Can't for the life of him find the t-shirt with Vinny on it. That ain't hard to imagine of course. It's probably the most valuable one since John Travolta is such a big star. Thing is, Bertie would give anything for that shirt if he could find one. He's just crazy about the whole thing. Obsessed, you might say."

After a sip of his Spud's Uncle Sal looked at Cedric and said, "I'll admit it seems pretty odd, but your friend has clearly convinced himself that Bertie needs one shirt, Deep."

This episode featured:
Irv "Gutter" Ball as Uncle Sal
Henrik "7-10" Splittorf as Cedric
Laine Kryplewicz as the waitress
and
Jellybean Merengue as the blue-haired troll doll.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "When it comes to women, does anybody really want the facts?"

Uncle Sal and the Crabby Contractor (Episode 120)

Uncle Sal entered Bob's Breakfast Barn just as Giacomo's friend Leonard was leaving. Uncle Sal greeted him, but got no response. When he sat down in the booth across from Giacomo, he picked an aspen leaf off of his hot air balloon sweater vest and said, "The heck's his problem. I said hello to him on his way out and he barely even looked at me."

"You know that mansion over on Fleeder Street? Belongs to Cale Awlminster? Apparently the Awlminsters are adding a home theater in the basement and Leonard got hired as the contractor."

Uncle Sal whistled. "Boy, that's a sweet deal. Workin' for a family like that must be a pretty good gig as far as money goes."

Giacomo stirred some Irish whiskey into his coffee with a James Buchanan spoon and said, "It is. The money isn't the problem. The problem is he owed this one guy a favor. This guy got him out of a real jam one time and Leonard owes him for it. Well, this guy called in his favor. He told Leonard to hire his son Duane. Now, I've met some unmotivated people in my time, but this Duane takes the cake. I mean, he makes a sloth seem like a go-getter. So, Leonard has Duane on this job, but he knows the guy won't do any work. And if Duane is actually persuaded to do something at the job site, Leonard knows he'll have to fix it. So, basically Leonard is going to be doing the job of two or three people. And even if he's getting paid really well, it won't seem that way when he's covering for this slug Duane."

Uncle Sal sipped his coffee and said, "No wonder the guy's so deep in the pits. He's going off to Cale's with a lazy Duane."

This episode featured:
Arnold Hammersmith as Uncle Sal
Bob L. Leavell as Leonard
Bubba "Lug" Wrenchizski as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the aspen leaf.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This car sticks out like spats at an Iowa picnic."

Initial response to the matchup with Oregon

So, it all comes down to this. The Bucks v. the Ducks. I can't say that I'm terribly excited about the matchup. Here are some reasons why.

The Ducks are quick and athletic, and run multiple formations. Jeremiah Masoli is a freak. Frankly, the Buckeyes are going to need an entire month to prepare for everything Oregon can throw at them.

Chip Kelly actually wants the Ducks offense to score points. (Crazy, right?)

Jeff Maehl v Chimdi Chekwa. Enough said.

The Ducks run a no-huddle offense. That wouldn't be so bothersome except we all know that the Buckeyes offense will take at least one quarter off (and the Oregon offense will not), meaning that the defense will spend more time on the field. Add to that the fact that they won't be able to substitute as much as they'd like against a no-huddle offense and you've got the potential for another game that slips away in the late stages.

LaMichael James is probably quicker than any RB the Buckeyes have seen this year.

Jeremiah Masoli actually executes zone reads.

That being said, Oregon's secondary does not look very good at all. Then again, those guys won't have to be very good, considering the Buckeyes will only throw 12 passes.

I hope the Buckeyes make the most of their preparation time. I hope they show up in this game and prove to me that all of these concerns about the Ducks are unfounded. At first glance though, this doesn't seem like a great matchup for the scarlet and gray.