Uncle Sal and the Feckless Fielder (Episode 139)

Uncle Sal settled into his seat at his first Wombats game of the year. It didn't take long before he was voicing his displeasure, and not about the nacho cheese on his turquoise Wombats replica jersey. A Mudskippers player hit an easy ground ball to the shortstop Al Derman. The displeasure came when Derman let the ball go through his legs into the outfield.

"Boy, Giacomo. I can't believe the Wombats can't find anybody better'n Derman at shortstop."

"It's still early in the season. Maybe he'll come around."

"Not from what I read about the guy. Seems he's got a reputation for having a skillet at the end of his arm instead of a baseball mitt. Reminds me of a guy on the team when I played for the Wombats. Second baseman by the name of Rob Leffenwaffel. I tell ya, the guy couldn't field a beach ball." Uncle Sal washed a nacho down with a big gulp of Spud's.

"You could hit the slowest ground ball known to man, and Leffenwaffel would find a way to get that ball into the outfield. Only reason he ever saw the field was because he was all we had. Anyway, we had one game where ol' Leffenwaffel had three errors in a single inning. It was so bad, the manager put me, a right fielder, in at second base. Well, after the game, the manager is really leanin' into Leffenwaffel. Tellin' him he's tired of seeing so many errors. He explains what he wants. He wants Leffenwaffel to carry a ball in his mitt all the time: in the shower, when he eats, when he sleeps. Just so Leffenwaffel can get used to the feeling of a ball in his mitt. Coach knew it wasn't gonna happen any other way."

"You mean..."

"That's right. After so many errors all the time, the manager finally told him, 'Take this, Rob, and glove it.'"

This episode featured:
Ty "Corny" Cobham as Uncle Sal
Cy "Young" Francklinstein as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the nacho cheese.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Salvation is a last-minute business, boy."

Uncle Sal and the Confounded Cop (Episode 138)

Uncle Sal sat at the bar of the Liberty Bull Steakhouse next to his former partner on the police force Elton LaRady. He set his emerald balmoral cap on the bar and motioned to the bartender for a Spud's and a shot of rye.

"Hey Sal. Good to see you."

Uncle Sal tossed a Cajun almond into his mouth and said, "Good to see you to. It's been too long."

"Yeah, it has. Hey, are you going to the golf outing for all the old gang that worked at the 67th Precinct?"

"Hadn't heard about it. When is it?"

"Two weeks from Saturday."

"'Fraid I can't make it then."

"What? Yer gonna miss the golf outing with Bones, Lugnut, and the rest of the gang?"

"That day is no good. It's the day of Ciaran Smude's annual fish fry. Well, it's a fish fry, but it's mostly just pike."

"And you'd rather go to that?"

"Clearly, you have never had this guy's pike. He prepares it every way you can think of. With pecans, with coconut, some kinda cranberry sauce, and of course your standard beer batter. Only he must use some kinda high-quality brew in his batter, because it's amazing. I dunno how he comes into so much fish. He must know someone that works on a boat. And I don't know where he learned to cook, but I'm tellin ya, ya never had anything like it."

Elton sipped his gin and shook his head. "I can't believe it. You're gonna miss seeing all the guys from the 67th so you can eat some fish."

"Nothin' can be done about it. I block off that day on my calendar every year. I just have to be there when Smude cooks pike, LaRady.

This episode featured:
Alan "The Arrow" Smith as Uncle Sal
Perry Josephson as Elton LaRady
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Cajun almond.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He's a nihilist. He doesn't believe in anything.

Uncle Sal and the Bitten Baseballer (Episode 137)

Uncle Sal removed his tangerine-colored balmoral cap and settled in next to Joe at The Crow Bar. He motioned for a Spud's and a shot of whiskey and glanced at the flat screen television behind the bar and saw the score of the Wombats game. The team was losing by three runs but it was still in the early innings.

"Say, Joe. Didja see the game last night?"

"No, I missed it."

"But ya heard about it, right? The incident with Arn Freeberg?"

"Yeah, I heard about it. Pretty crazy stuff."

"You don't know the half of it. I talked to the third base coach this morning. He gave me the story. Seems when Freeberg came up to bat in the ninth with a chance to win the game, the catcher Palmeiro was talkin' all kinda junk tryin' to get into Arn's head. He was throwin' all kinda stuff at him. You know, that Freeberg's wife was pregnant with Palmeiro's kid, that Arn's wife was workin' at a local strip club. That he couldn't hit a watermelon with a sledge hammer. Y'know, the sort of stuff ballplayers have been sayin' forever, tryin'a get into the opponent's head. Well, that was all well and good, but then just before the pitch where Freeberg struck out to end the game, Palmeiro called Arn's mom a Swedish meatball. Everyone knows Freeberg's mom is a Finn."

"And that's why he bit Palmeiro?"

"That's the story I got from the third base coach. Just goes to show you, when you mention his mama, you're talkin' on the bitin' side of Free."

This episode featured:
Errol "Strawberry" Fielder as Uncle Sal
Gunther Mounds as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the television.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Lady, you need some Band-Aids."

Uncle Sal and the Bargain Broiler (Episode 136)

Giacomo climbed into the truck Uncle Sal had rented for the day. He was followed by his good friend Jeff "Fish" Beatty. Uncle Sal adjusted his St. Andrews balmoral cap and put the truck into gear. As he pulled away from Giacomo's place, Jeff asked, "Is it true we're going out to West Frog's Elbow?"

"Yup," Uncle Sal answered after a sip from his I un-thunk the Glunk coffee mug.

"And why are we going out there?"

"Well, the Grackles are gonna have a pancake breakfast in a coupla weeks. And this ain't gonna be like no church pancake breakfast. We're also gonna have scrapple and eggs, and we're gonna start early with Bloody Marys, screwdrivers, white Russians. It's gonna be a ball."

Jeff, looking more confused than he normally did, asked, "What's that gotta do with West Frog's Elbow?"

"It's got everything to do with West Grog's Elbow. See, there was a restaurant out that way, name of Casa Tina. Owned by this pretty little thing, had the prettiest big brown eyes ya ever seen."

"Wait. Was a restaurant? We're going out there for a restaurant that ain't even open anymore?"

Uncle Sal exhaled loudly. "Son, if you'd just listen, maybe you'd see what this trip is all about. See, Casa Tina had the best everything. Pancakes, tortillas, steak. But you know how things are in this economy. Even if ya gotta good product, it don't mean yer gonna stay in bidness. Anyway, I got to talkin' to Tina and since her place don't need the equipment anymore, they're basically givin' it away for a song. That, friend, is where West Frog's Elbow comes in. We're going out there to get the fine piece of cooking machinery responsible for all the fine food at the restaurant."

Jeff still looked baffled.

"Don'tcha see? It don't matter how far I gotta go, we're getting the griddle, old Beatty, from Casa Tina."

This episode featured:
Jann Esterflaus as Giacomo
Dean "Wormer" Chelli
Charlie "Gnarly" Serff as Jeff "Fish" Beatty
and
Jellybean Merengue as the coffee mug.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Why are nudists always fat, hairy dudes?

Uncle Sal and the Frustrated Fraulein (Episode 135)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo stumbled into Giacomo's place after a prolific bout of drinking at a St. Patrick's Day happy hour. Giacomo's girlfriend Brigitte was waiting by the door with her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed. She wore an orange polka-dot crop top that was probably two sizes too small and a piece of denim that could have been called a skirt if it were three inches longer.

"What took you guys so long? You've been gone for two and a half hours."

"Baby, it's St. Paddy's Day."

"Ja, and vat's that mean to me? You said you vould come home and prepare some Irish feast for us."

Uncle Sal removed his blue balmoral hat with the green checkered band and sat down on the couch.

"And I will," Giacomo said.

"Ja, almost two hours later than you said you vould."

"We ran into some guys from the Grackles. They bought us a round. We bought them a round. And so it goes, y'know. Oh, and I kind of volunteered you to make a batch of your chokolatballe for the next event."

"Ja, OK. How many guys vill be there?"

"Ummm...three hundred or so."

"Three hundred? You volunteered me to make my Nussbaumchokolatballe for three hundred drunken men in funny hats? Do you have any idea how long it takes to make just a couple dozen? Und you vant me to make enough for your whole silly club?"

"Baby, you're beautiful when you're angry."

"Stuff it in a pepper. I cannot believe you vould make such an offer. Vat makes you think I vant to something like zis for your club? Zis is a terrible imposition on my time. Especially, since I vas promised a big meal and at ze moment, my stomach is empty."

Brigitte said a lot of things that neither Giacomo nor Uncle Sal understood. Even though he didn't know the words, Uncle Sal knew the tone. Giacomo was being cursed out in a language he didn't even understand. With his eyes closed and his head resting on the couch cushions, Uncle Sal said, "He ain't even told ya the best part. The event is Friday. That means you have two days to make these magical chocolate balls Giacomo has told us all about. Looks like yer gonna need to bake up, little floozie."

This episode featured:
Everson Everly as Uncle Sal
Friedrich "Free" Byrd as Giacomo
Louisa Braun as Brigitte
and
Jellybean Merengue as the crop top.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Maybe that's what hell is: eternity spent in Weehawken."

Uncle Sal and the Rare Rockers (Episode 134)

Uncle Sal climbed into the backseat of Giacomo's recently purchased atomic orange AMC Pacer. As he settled in behind Giacomo's new girlfriend Asia, he twisted his Taciturn Tomcat cuff links and said, "You two ready for the cooter turtle races?" Before either of them could answer, Uncle Sal cringed a little at the sound coming from the speakers. "The heck is this music you're playing? Sounds like four guys who just discovered instruments and amplifiers but never took any lessons. And is that a theremin I hear?"

Giacomo turned the volume knob so he wouldn't have to shout to be heard and said, "You remember Dean Koossen? I used to play baseball with him?"

"Yeah. Real twitchy kid? Always looked like he was swattin' flies only he could see?"

"That's the one. This is his band The Nose Tackles. He likes to call the band's sound alien hardcore. That's where the theremin comes in. I mean, the guys all grew up on punk, and they all like to play fast and loud, but they wanted to set themselves apart from other bands, you know. Well, I can't think of a better way for a band to set itself apart than to have a theremin in its lineup. That, and to sing all your songs about aliens and space. And it seems to be paying off for them too. Quite a few college radio stations have picked up the album. These guys have also been featured in a couple different indie music magazines. Plus, I heard they just booked a European tour for the fall."

Uncle Sal closed his eyes and leaned his head back toward the speakers. After a few moments, he opened his eyes and said, "Well, it's unique. I gotta give 'em that. And it ain't as bad as I thought when I first heard it. But I don't see too much special about the band. Ya ask me, it's only Dean's rage space band."

This episode featured:
Rogelio "Doctor" Hoovester as Uncle Sal
Ulric "The Dog" Entwhistle as Giacomo
Monica Moonves as Asia
and
Jellybean Merengue as the volume knob.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey if I had some place to go, I wouldn't be in Cleveland."

Uncle Sal and the Bootless Bookkeepers (Episode 133)

Uncle Sal sat across from Giacomo at the Casa de Neal Mexican Restaurant. He twisted his Hirsuit Huckleberry cuff links and ordered a shot of tequila and a beer.

"Uncle Sal, you look tired."

"Boy I tell ya, it ain't easy findin' good help these days. Ya know I'm trying to get a bidness started with Seamus O'Haim, right? He and I are tryin' to put together sump'n where we manufacture and sell custom corkscrews from bits of things that we find at the dump. Well, we got our plan goin' pretty well. We're just lookin' for someone to take care of our books, y'know."

The waiter set Uncle Sal's shot and beer in front of him. Uncle Sal shot the tequila, then tossed the slice of lime over his shoulder without sucking the juice from it.

"So, we hire a guy, bright young fella Kurt Messert. He's just graduated and we figure he'll be ambitious and reasonably priced. Well, he was both of those things, but he was also on the phone alla time. I swear, we couldn't get any work outta the guy because he was always texting. So, then we figger we'll get a more experienced guy. Someone who won't screw off all day, and will actually get some work done. Well, this guy Bernard Bourse. He's a veteran. Well, I dunno if the guy got a piece of shrapnel in his brain or what was his deal. He was normal when he interviewed, but he was crazier'n two Jack Russell terriers in a dog whistle factory."

"You mean..."

"That's right. I've been through a Messert and a Bourse with O'Haim.

This episode featured:
Amerigo Esposito as Uncle Sal
Christopher "Columbus" Orban as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the slice of lime.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Night falls but don't never break."