Uncle Sal and the Contraband Cannoli (Episode 132)

Uncle Sal entered Joe's place for the weekly pinochle game. He hadn't even tipped his first bottle of Spud's to his mouth when Joe said, "Hey Sal, you see the cops nabbed another member of the Linguine organization?"

He adjusted his squash racquet cuff links and sipped his Spud's. "Izzat right?"

Joe popped a pistachio into his mouth and said, "Course it's right! Ya think I'm pullin' your leg over here?"

"Which one did they get?"

"Alessandro Lariati."

"Really? the boys in blue bagged Alessandro 'The Rope?' How'd they do that?"

"Well, ya know Alessandro was the front man for that bakery over on Saccamano Street? Cops got a tip that hot drugs were being moved out of the place. So you know the cops. They set up a stakeout. Had officers watching that place around the clock. They wanted to get a warrant to search the place, but they didn't have reasonable suspicion for that, just someone's word. Well, finally, they got something hard. They had a tip that the merchandise was moving whenever someone ordered four cannoli. They got a big break when The Rope gave the merchandise to the wrong customer. He slid a little bag of coke into the cannoli purchased by a little old lady. Imagine her surprise when she arrives home and finds drugs in her dessert. She called the cops and they brought him in for a lineup. And you'll never guess how the little old lady was able to finger him. She was able to positively identify him because of, get this, a bunny tattoo he has on his forearm, up near the elbow. You believe that?"

Uncle Sal paused with the bottle at his lips. "So it's true."

"Huh? What's true?"

"You know. That old joke people would tell: 'Does The Rope bear a bunny tat?'"

This episode featured:
Johnny Spumoni as Uncle Sal
Benino Rigatoni as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pistachio.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "You can't do that on stage anymore."

Uncle Sal and the Buxom Barmaid (Episode 131)

Giacomo climbed into Uncle Sal's Dodge Dart with a black travel cup that bore the word THROTTLE in a 36-point stencil font. He adjusted the black and white checkered floormat, then settled back in the seat.

"All set for the extreme curling event, Giacomo?"

"Yup." Giacomo took a sip and handed the cup to Uncle Sal, who took a whiff and said, "Giacomo, I can't drink that right now. I'm drivin'. You splash any orange juice in that rum?"

"A splash is about right."

Uncle Sal adjusted his garden gnome cuff links and said, "That's a fine cup. Where'dja get it? And what's Throttle?"

"Throttle is this band that fuses hard rock and country blues. I got the cup from a co-worker Antony at the 10 of Clubs. It's his favorite band. He wanted to change shifts with me his Wednesday shift for my Saturday. If I'm gonna give up a Saturday shift, I need something more than just a Wednesday, particularly since he works on Wednesdays with Mei Cho. She's this incredibly beautiful bartender. The kind that every guy looks at when she walks into a room. Partly because she has big breasts and wears very tight, low-cut tops"

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that she spends more time flirting with the customers than working. So it's kind of like working the bar by yourself."

"Yeah, but Wednesdays are probably pretty slow, and if the customers look at this barmaid like you say, I gotta think they'll tip pretty decently."

"Yeah, the few we get."

"Well, it sounds to me like ya got what ya wanted. Ya said he'd have to give up more than just a Wednesday shift and ya got the Throttle cup and Cho."

This episode featured:
Oscar "Blue" McGrew as Giacomo
John Lee Tucher as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the floormat.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Looks like you won't be attending that hat convention in July."

(Thanks to John Lee Hooker for providing the inspiration for the final line of this episode.)

Uncle Sal and the Magnificent Muumuus (Episode 130)

Uncle Sal had parked his Dodge Dart and was walking to The Crow Bar when he saw Thurman "Bear" Trapp waiting outside Maude's Maison de Muumuus.

"Bear, what on earth ya doin' here?"

Bear pointed inside the store and said, "I'm waiting on these two guys: Pete and Treat Smeet."

Uncle Sal fingered his Irksome Ibex cuff links and looked inside. He saw two hulking guys browsing through racks of floral print dresses that looked like small tents. "And why would them two strapping young lads be looking for a muumuu?"

A pine cone fell onto Bear's head and he kicked it into the street. "They are being inducted into the Fraternal Order of Grackles. One part of their initiation is, well, the public humiliation. The senior members decided that these two guys need to wear a muumuu with combat boots and then go to some dance club. I mean, they can't possibly be inconspicuous wearing something like this, but some members are going to be there with them, making sure they don't just stand in the corner and hide until the place closes. Those other members are going to make sure these guys stay the dance floor all night where so other dancers can take all the photos they want. Thing is, these guys don't find it the least bit embarrassing. They're looking forward to it. They've even said they'll pose with anyone who wants a photo."

"Hmmm. I'm not sure I'd be so excited about doin' sump'n like that. But from what yer tellin' me Bear, the Smeets have no shame."

This episode featured:
Wallace Gownes as Uncle Sal
Seamus Skertz as Thurman "Bear" Trapp
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pine cone.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Never chase buses or women. You'll always be left behind."

Uncle Sal and the Prominent Poet (Episode 129)

On the way to happy hour at Rhode Island Red's Cocktails, Uncle Sal, Alice, Giacomo and his new girlfriend Amelia walked past the Nouveau Nightclub. It was only 5:00, but there was already a line out the door.

Uncle Sal said, "The heck is going on here? Must be some kinda big music act playing there tonight."

Amelia pointed to the sign at the door of the bookstore side of the club and said, "It's a book signing by Leslie Pennyfeather."

Uncle Sal reached inside his Kookaburra sweater vest and pulled out a cheroot. "Leslie Pennyfeather? Who's she?"

"He's a poet. I'm surprised you haven't heard of him. He writes these very inspirational, very beautiful poems. He's been all over the talk shows and his book is selling like it's going out of style."

Uncle Sal made a dismissive gesture and said, "Poems? Bah! I ain't read any poems since this guy Daffy Lamace. He was a guy I knew in college, from Dade, Missourah. This guy could write a poem, I can tell ya that. He was like Doctor Seuss, only he was raunchy. Sorta. He'd write these poems that made ya think he was gonna say sump'n dirty, only at the end of the phrase he'd throw a curveball, so any raunchiness was in the mind of the reader. And this guy was a whiz with picking football games. I made a lot of money using his tips on football. So all these folks can have this Pennyfeather, but the only bard I heed is Lamace of Dade."

This episode featured:
Fergus "Sheik" Spears as Uncle Sal
Emily Thickensohn as Alice
Otis Sonnetta as Giacomo
Charlotte "Bronte" Sorace as Amelia.
and
Jellybean Merengue as the sign.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "After a while Francophile."

Uncle Sal and the Fraudulent Farmer (Episode 128)

In the Root Hog or Diner, Uncle Sal spilled some coffee onto his Blue Bombers sweater vest as he set the cup down on the National Organization of Calf Ropers saucer.

"Say Giacomo. 'Member a couple months ago when I told ya about that one-man band Hugh Beezus?"

Giacomo dumped three spoons of salsa verde onto his huevos rancheros and said, "Yeah, and how disappointed you were with the guy who wanted to be the next Hugh Beezus."

"Exactly. Well, there's a story inna paper about the grandson of Hugh Beezus." Uncle Sal sipped his extra spicy bloody Mary and said, "At least the guy says he is the grandson of Beezus. He went on two radio shows and a podcast talking about how Hugh Beezus had a one night-stand with the dude's grandma. But for one of the hosts, well, let's just say that this guy's story didn't jibe. He asked some pretty mundane questions, and then he sprung a question on this guy. He asked him about his granddad's Les Paul guitar. Well, Beezus's grandson goes on and on about how glorious the Les Paul was. Only everyone knows that Beezus only played a Stegosaurus. According to this article, the impostor is a tea farmer from Snohomish, Washington. Name of Saul Kite."

Giacomo slid a home fry into his mouth and said, "You don't mean to tell me..."

Uncle Sal said, "'Fraid so. Beezus is just Saul Kite with tea."

This episode featured:
Rex Pekoe as Uncle Sal
Early Gray as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the home fry.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer."

Uncle Sal and the Mortified Mafioso (Episode 127)

Giacomo arrived at Wooden's Steakhouse with a busty girl with a Bettie Page haircut who wore only a yellow sleeveless gingham dress despite the cool temperatures of the evening. At the top of her left arm was a tattoo of a duck in a dress. Uncle Sal and Alice stood up as Giacomo introduced her. "This is Karina. She wrote the piece in the Picayune about the the cops taking down Geno Pignolia."

"Ain't that sump'n? I ever tell ya I'm connected to his old man Tony 'The Pine'?"

Karina raised her eyebrows and looked at Uncle Sal, then at Giacomo.

He brushed a mint wrapper off of his Hofstra sweater vest and said, "No. Not like that. But ain't no six degrees of separation between me and The Pine. This happened when I was working on the force. It was the night they found ol Tony's body in the alley behind that spaghetti joint. I tell ya, I never seen so many cops all gathered in one place when there wasn't free donuts. I guess a dead mafioso will do that. Well, someone's gotta draw a chalk outline around the body, right?"

The waitress came to the table. She appeared to wear the same bra size as Karina. All four put in their drink orders and Uncle Sal continued. "The guy that was supposed to do the outline was this big ol' Norweegie name-a Tor Braaten. Well, Tor wasn't the most dedicated worker, 'specially when it came to the end of his shift. Chief asked him to outline the body and Tor just starts wheedling. His feet hurt, like whose feet don't hurt at the end of a long shift. His in-laws were visiting and his wife had a roast waiting so he couldn't be late getting there. He come up with all kinda reasons why he wasn't the right man for the job. Well, the Chief hears all this, and he turns to me."

Karina leaned forward and said, "You don't mean..."

Uncle Sal smiled and said, "That's right. Because Tor whined, I chalked The Pine."

This episode featured:
"Flatfoot" Frankie Fedora as Uncle Sal
Teresa Copper as Alice
Luther Piggott as Giacomo
Luella Pfuzz as Karina
and
Jellybean Merengue as the duck tattoo.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "On your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness."

Uncle Sal and the Mountain of Mutton (Episode 126)

Uncle Sal sat down at the table at his first Fraternal Order of Grackles meeting and tore into a garlic breadstick. He brushed a crumb off of his UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs sweater vest and said, "Thanks for inviting me, Giacomo."

Giacomo, the newest member of the Grackles said, "It's no problem. I figured you'd like it, especially on mutton night."

Uncle Sal speared a piece of mutton with his fork and slid it into his mouth. "It's good, but not as good as mine."

As he wiped his mouth with a Huey Long napkin, Uncle Sal noticed Xavier "Tooz" Matuszak at a nearby table. "Hey, it's the Tooz. I didn't know he was a member."

"He's not only a member. He's the holder of one of the greatest traditions of mutton night at the Grackles club. See, Tooz loves mutton more than anyone, even my ex-girlfriend, who was so disappointed to receive a turkey sandwich from you. Anyway, on mutton night, Tooz hosts the King-Size challenge. Members have the option of ordering the King Size plate, which is five pounds of mutton. If they can finish it in an hour, Tooz gives them ten bucks and a t-shirt he had made. If they can't finish, they bring him the leftovers, which he always finishes, and they donate ten bucks to Tooz's favorite charity. Thirty-seven guys have tried it and no one has finished the King Size platter. Now, for the last month, Cheeto Needham has been practicing. He swears he's going to be the first one to take down the King Size challenge. Here comes his plate now."

The King Size plate was placed in front of Cheeto and he tore into the pile of mutton. After 30 minutes, he was nearly half finished with the mutton. It looked like he would be the one to defeat the challenge. But as the last half hour waned away, so did Cheeto's enthusiasm for finishing. By the time the hour was up, Cheeto still had almost a pound of meat on his plate.

The bell sounded and the emcee said, "It was a valiant effort, Cheeto, but it looks like the mutton wins again."

Uncle Sal wiped his plate with a roll and said, "He sure gave it the old college try, but Needham's just another bird with mutton left for Tooz."

This episode featured:
Valeriy Lamb as Uncle Sal
Chuck "Woolly" Bulley as Giacomo
Ellington Barnes III as Cheeto Needham
Morrison Chatman as the emcee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Huey Long napkin.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."