Uncle Sal and the Fraudulent Farmer (Episode 128)

In the Root Hog or Diner, Uncle Sal spilled some coffee onto his Blue Bombers sweater vest as he set the cup down on the National Organization of Calf Ropers saucer.

"Say Giacomo. 'Member a couple months ago when I told ya about that one-man band Hugh Beezus?"

Giacomo dumped three spoons of salsa verde onto his huevos rancheros and said, "Yeah, and how disappointed you were with the guy who wanted to be the next Hugh Beezus."

"Exactly. Well, there's a story inna paper about the grandson of Hugh Beezus." Uncle Sal sipped his extra spicy bloody Mary and said, "At least the guy says he is the grandson of Beezus. He went on two radio shows and a podcast talking about how Hugh Beezus had a one night-stand with the dude's grandma. But for one of the hosts, well, let's just say that this guy's story didn't jibe. He asked some pretty mundane questions, and then he sprung a question on this guy. He asked him about his granddad's Les Paul guitar. Well, Beezus's grandson goes on and on about how glorious the Les Paul was. Only everyone knows that Beezus only played a Stegosaurus. According to this article, the impostor is a tea farmer from Snohomish, Washington. Name of Saul Kite."

Giacomo slid a home fry into his mouth and said, "You don't mean to tell me..."

Uncle Sal said, "'Fraid so. Beezus is just Saul Kite with tea."

This episode featured:
Rex Pekoe as Uncle Sal
Early Gray as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the home fry.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer."

Uncle Sal and the Mortified Mafioso (Episode 127)

Giacomo arrived at Wooden's Steakhouse with a busty girl with a Bettie Page haircut who wore only a yellow sleeveless gingham dress despite the cool temperatures of the evening. At the top of her left arm was a tattoo of a duck in a dress. Uncle Sal and Alice stood up as Giacomo introduced her. "This is Karina. She wrote the piece in the Picayune about the the cops taking down Geno Pignolia."

"Ain't that sump'n? I ever tell ya I'm connected to his old man Tony 'The Pine'?"

Karina raised her eyebrows and looked at Uncle Sal, then at Giacomo.

He brushed a mint wrapper off of his Hofstra sweater vest and said, "No. Not like that. But ain't no six degrees of separation between me and The Pine. This happened when I was working on the force. It was the night they found ol Tony's body in the alley behind that spaghetti joint. I tell ya, I never seen so many cops all gathered in one place when there wasn't free donuts. I guess a dead mafioso will do that. Well, someone's gotta draw a chalk outline around the body, right?"

The waitress came to the table. She appeared to wear the same bra size as Karina. All four put in their drink orders and Uncle Sal continued. "The guy that was supposed to do the outline was this big ol' Norweegie name-a Tor Braaten. Well, Tor wasn't the most dedicated worker, 'specially when it came to the end of his shift. Chief asked him to outline the body and Tor just starts wheedling. His feet hurt, like whose feet don't hurt at the end of a long shift. His in-laws were visiting and his wife had a roast waiting so he couldn't be late getting there. He come up with all kinda reasons why he wasn't the right man for the job. Well, the Chief hears all this, and he turns to me."

Karina leaned forward and said, "You don't mean..."

Uncle Sal smiled and said, "That's right. Because Tor whined, I chalked The Pine."

This episode featured:
"Flatfoot" Frankie Fedora as Uncle Sal
Teresa Copper as Alice
Luther Piggott as Giacomo
Luella Pfuzz as Karina
and
Jellybean Merengue as the duck tattoo.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "On your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness."

Uncle Sal and the Mountain of Mutton (Episode 126)

Uncle Sal sat down at the table at his first Fraternal Order of Grackles meeting and tore into a garlic breadstick. He brushed a crumb off of his UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs sweater vest and said, "Thanks for inviting me, Giacomo."

Giacomo, the newest member of the Grackles said, "It's no problem. I figured you'd like it, especially on mutton night."

Uncle Sal speared a piece of mutton with his fork and slid it into his mouth. "It's good, but not as good as mine."

As he wiped his mouth with a Huey Long napkin, Uncle Sal noticed Xavier "Tooz" Matuszak at a nearby table. "Hey, it's the Tooz. I didn't know he was a member."

"He's not only a member. He's the holder of one of the greatest traditions of mutton night at the Grackles club. See, Tooz loves mutton more than anyone, even my ex-girlfriend, who was so disappointed to receive a turkey sandwich from you. Anyway, on mutton night, Tooz hosts the King-Size challenge. Members have the option of ordering the King Size plate, which is five pounds of mutton. If they can finish it in an hour, Tooz gives them ten bucks and a t-shirt he had made. If they can't finish, they bring him the leftovers, which he always finishes, and they donate ten bucks to Tooz's favorite charity. Thirty-seven guys have tried it and no one has finished the King Size platter. Now, for the last month, Cheeto Needham has been practicing. He swears he's going to be the first one to take down the King Size challenge. Here comes his plate now."

The King Size plate was placed in front of Cheeto and he tore into the pile of mutton. After 30 minutes, he was nearly half finished with the mutton. It looked like he would be the one to defeat the challenge. But as the last half hour waned away, so did Cheeto's enthusiasm for finishing. By the time the hour was up, Cheeto still had almost a pound of meat on his plate.

The bell sounded and the emcee said, "It was a valiant effort, Cheeto, but it looks like the mutton wins again."

Uncle Sal wiped his plate with a roll and said, "He sure gave it the old college try, but Needham's just another bird with mutton left for Tooz."

This episode featured:
Valeriy Lamb as Uncle Sal
Chuck "Woolly" Bulley as Giacomo
Ellington Barnes III as Cheeto Needham
Morrison Chatman as the emcee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Huey Long napkin.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

Uncle Sal and the Leisurely Laborer (Episode 125)

Uncle Sal sat down in the Cocked-up Cafe and sipped his coffee with a shot of espresso, hoping it would help him over his hangover from the Fruitcake Toss Day festivities. A man walked into the place and the waitress Bunny shouted from behind the counter, "Hey Iggy. Shouldn't you be at work?" The man waved with his newspaper and ordered a coffee and a raspberry scone. Uncle Sal was so startled by the volume of Bunny's voice, he spilled coffee on his I H8 Fruitcake sweater vest.

"I imagine someone might be expecting me at work, but it's such a nice day, especially for this time of year, that it would be a shame to waste it working. I'm going to play golf."

Bunny chuckled as she handed over the coffee and scone. When the man was out the door, Bunny turned to Uncle Sal and said, "You know who that guy is?"

"The Dalai Lama?"

She laughed. "Boy, that's a good one. No. That's Ignatius Hicks. Ain't no one better at avoiding work than he is. You'll never guess what his job is."

"Fire watcher?"

She laughed again. "Naw. His job is to turn the gears of the clock in the university tower. Not like it's an incredibly hard job. Or like he ever actually does the work. He's got an assistant, name of Carter. Now Carter is one of these go-getters. No matter what he does, he wants to be the best at it, even if it's somethin' like winding a giant clock. So Iggy'll come up with some excuse as to why he can't do his job and Carter is more'n happy to do it. Iggy once told Carter he wouldn't be able to make it because he had to take his dog to the vet. Hicks ain't never owned a dog. Doesn't like 'em. But Carter, he does the job and that leaves Iggy free to do whatever he pleases. And Iggy does just that. You believe that?"

"I can't say I blame him. Seems like a pretty good life for him when Hicks just keeps getting Carter to wind."

This episode featured:
Paolo Rader as Uncle Sal
Stan Revere as Iggy Hicks
Ilse Swearingen as Bunny
and
Jellybean Merengue as the raspberry scone.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "And after that, the game was mine."

Uncle Sal and the Imposing Ironworker (Episode 124)

Uncle Sal arrived at Giacomo's place ready for the big billiards tournament Giacomo was hosting. Giacomo was just putting on his jacket when Uncle Sal walked in.

"Uncle Sal, I'm glad you're here. I need you to stay here in case anyone else shows up while I'm gone."

Uncle Sal picked a wayward piece of confetti off of his Rose Bowl sweater vest and said, "Gone? But the tournament's supposed to start in half an hour. Where ya gotta go?"

"I have to make a beer run."

"Beer run? Whatta ya mean? You weren't already stocked up? For a billiards tournament? How ya gonna be without beer when you invite a buncha guys over to shoot pool?"

"Well, I was stocked up, but then my neighbor Dwight Neeper came over. He's an ironworker. When he's not suffering from one of his various ailments. Anyway, he came over just to watch a little of the basketball game. Of course I offered him a beer. Well, he downed that one. Then he went back to the fridge and helped himself to another one. We're sitting here watching the game. Well, I can't say I was paying much attention to it because he was complaining not only about his spleen and the ringing in his ears, but about how awful the job market is. He went on for the rest of the game. And whenever he needed a beer, he helped himself. He drank nine of them. Cleaned out almost an entire twelve-pack by himself. Finally I had to tell him I had company coming, so he left. But now I need to restock what he drank."

Uncle Sal sat on the couch and grabbed the remote. "Well, I suppose you learned an important lesson here. Next time, don't beer the Neeper."

This episode featured:
Brutus O'Connor as Uncle Sal
Brodie O. Chiswick as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the remote.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "You never ask why you've been fired, because if you do, they're liable to tell you."

Buckeyes 26, Ducks 17

This installment of the weekly Buckeyes wrap-up is brought to you by cheese, and the state of Alabama (drop me a line if you'd like to know why). Well, it may not have been the most exciting game I have ever seen (the 1st half especially), but it certainly was exciting to see the Buckeyes come through in a big game instead of giving us a movie we've seen before. Oh, and by the way, I have to give myself a pat on the back for nailing the 1st quarter score. Let's get to it, shall we?

The Good
Offense
I have been as fierce a critic of Ohio State's offense as anyone. I have criticized it for being predictable and uninspired. And let's face it, we certainly did see some of that, but the offense came through when it needed to. That was refreshing. I mean, when the Buckeyes got the ball with 12 minutes to play and a 2-point lead, I never expected to see them score a touchdown. But that is exactly what they did, and there was no bigger play than the pass to Jake Ballard (more on that later). I'll tell you something else I never expected: 37 pass attempts by the Buckeyes offense. Or 23 completions by Terrelle Pryor. I am sure I wasn't the only one astounded by the fact that the Buckeyes came out slinging the ball on the first drive. Even more surprising than actually passing the ball was the fact that the Buckeyes broke tradition and actually scored a touchdown on the first drive. I frankly didn't realize that was possible for this team. Devier Posey had an incredible game. While the running game wasn't very noteworthy, it is very hard to argue with 41 and a half minutes of possession. And that, is how you beat Oregon: keep that offense off the field.
Defense
Let's face it. The defense was pretty much nails all day, particularly since the special teams gave Oregon such good field position all day. Masoli is the guy that makes the Ducks offense go, and he was bottled up. LaMichael James had a good game, but the defense did not allow him to run wild as he did for most of the season. Ross Homan had a real good game. So did Doug Worthington and Thad Gibson.
Special teams
The field goal kickers were good in this game. It's a good thing too because they accounted for most of the points through 3 quarters.
The Bad
Offense
OK, so the offense scored a late TD to seal the game, but it was not without its problems. They had 1st and goal from the 6 and 1st and goal from the 10, and ended up with 2 field goals. Plus, there was some of the predictability that we have come to know (although not necessarily love).
Defense
Hard to complain about the defense when it allowed only 260 yards to the potent Oregon offense. However, the 2 TD drives Oregon had were accomplished with very little resistance.
The Ugly
Offense
Terrelle's interception was the result of a really poor decision. He threw it at 2 defenders and I could see that one coming. Literally, it was coming right in my direction at the stadium. There was one pass to Sanzenbacher that ended up incomplete simply because Sanzenbacher didn't even realize the ball was coming his way. There were a couple other passes that should have been caught, but weren't. Oh, and someone tell TP that if a receiver (like Taurian Washington on a couple plays) lines up with no defender in front of him, he should throw the ball to that receiver.
Defense
Oregon's 2 4th down conversions belong here because of how they happened. Chimdi Chekwa, how do you let your guy get open beyond the sticks on 4th and 9? And Devon Torrence, why on earth do you give your guy a 5-yard cushion on 4th and 2?
Special Teams
I have no idea what was up with the kick coverage in this game, but it was miserable. It's a good thing the defense was as stout as it was, considering how many times the special teams allowed Oregon to have a short field.
Under the Radar Player of the Game
I think Ross Homan had a really good game. In fact, it would be easy to give this to the entire defense. However, I think someone more exemplifies what the UtR player of the game is all about. On the Buckeyes 4th quarter touchdown drive, Jake Ballard made the catch on 3rd down to keep that drive going. When Pryor threw that ball, my response went something like "OHCRAP!OHWOW!" Ballard went up to get that ball, and it kept the drive going. If he doesn't make that catch, the Buckeyes punt the ball to Oregon with 7 or so minutes to go. Congrats to the Buckeyes on another successful season and a big Rose Bowl win.

Buckeyes celebrate on bench as clock ticks down