Uncle Sal and the Blitzed Bettor (Episode 119)

Uncle Sal entered The Crow Bar and sat across from Giacomo and someone who was resting his head on the table. The man's head was surrounded by three shot glasses and a pint glass with an image of a crowbar. Uncle Sal smoothed his Christmas tree sweater vest (a gift from his sister Mary Evelyn) and sat on the cracked burgundy Naugahyde seat of the stool.

"What's with your friend there?"

"Oh, that's Toby Harfentrowel. He's a little down."

Uncle Sal motioned to Kelly behind the bar for his usual pint of Spud's and a shot of rye. "That I can see. What's got him so he's passed out on a table at twelve minutes after seven on a Saturdy night?"

"Today was the World Series of log-rolling. And Toby here, well, he's been studying log-rolling. There is this guy called Luther Gould. He's the most dominant guy in the sport. I mean, he's like the Tiger Woods of log-rolling. He does especially well in the biggest events."

Kelly arrived with Uncle Sal's shot and beer. Uncle Sal sipped the beer, leaving a foam mustache on his lip. "So, Toby gets this idea, right? He figures he can clean up betting on this at work. So he tells anyone that'll listen that he'll take Gould and they can take the rest of the field. Gould is that good. So, he gets ten takers at fifty bucks a pop. Only to find out that Gould sprained his ankle getting out of the shower this morning. He gets on the log in the first round and doesn't even stay on for three seconds. That's it. He's done. And Toby owes five hundred bucks when he gets to work on Monday."

"Losing five hunnerd bucks on a log-roller, boy that's tough. You can be sure he won't bet Gould again."

This episode featured:
Harvey Hoodwinker as Uncle Sal
Keith Hoover as Giacomo
Roger Hooterberg as Toby
Natalie Schmeltzer as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Naugahyde.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?"

Uncle Sal and the Festivus Fete (Episode 118)

At Uncle Sal's annual Festivus bash, Giacomo used tongs to tend to the pieces of rabbit on the barbecue. "Hey, great bash, Uncle Sal."

"Yeah, everyone seems to be having a good time. Uncle Sal reached into his Horned Frogs sweater vest and removed a flask from his shirt pocket.

"And why wouldn't they? I mean, how many times to people get to be in a limbo contest on a twenty-degree November night? Plus, how do you beat night croquet? It's pretty sweet."

Giacomo turned over some of the rabbit meat and said, "I'll tell you one thing. No one is having a better time than that guy." He pointed to Warren Roses. "See that woman he's with? Her name's Kendra Dryer."

Uncle Sal looked at the woman with dark hair and blue eyes who wore a wool jacket, and a Lake Erie Monsters ski cap, and a miniskirt. "Boy she sure is easy on the eyes."

"And that's not all. Warren just moved in with her. She cooks like you wouldn't believe. She cracks open a beer for him when he gets home from work. She likes to go out and hear new bands. And she loves football. I'm not kidding you, she knows more about football than he does."

"Pretty sweet."

Giacomo sipped his beer and said, "Yeah, it's even sweeter when you know the woman he used to live with: Alicia Tan. She's nice looking, but she never liked to go out. She didn't cook. And she cried all the time, and not just when Warren did something stupid. She cried over commercials, television shows, movies, greeting cards. Poor Warren never knew what to do when she cried either. I mean, she would just cry for anything and she would always tell him how insensitive he was because he never cried with her, or comforted her."

Uncle Sal took a long pull from his flask and said, "Sounds like a pretty good deal to me. He's moved out of the crying Tan's and into the Dryer's."

This episode featured:
Angus "Beef" Wellington as Giacomo
Malcolm Veale as Uncle Sal
Russ von Trapp as Warren
Delilah Lamb as Kendra
and
Jellybean Merengue as the miniskirt.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm muzzled by army brass."

Buckeyes 21, Wolverines 10

Well, that game was:
a) thrilling
b) entertaining
c) adequate
d) as exciting as the average soccer game.

I don't necessarily want to be critical. After all, the Buckeyes just capped a 10-win Big Ten championship season with a win over the hated Wolverines. However, when you look at scUM's schedule only Western Michigan (7), Eastern Michigan (17), and Delaware State (6) scored fewer points against the maize and blue than Ohio State did. How's that for elite company? That was the sort of game that gets erased from memory as you're watching it.

And what are we to think of Tresselball? The whole point of this conservative style of play is to win the turnover battle and therefore win the game. The Buckeyes certainly won the turnover battle, but if your opponent turns the ball over 4 times more than you do, shouldn't you win by more than 11 points? In other words, what's the point of focusing so much energy on this when you only punt after forcing your opponent into a turnover?

The Good
Offense
Again, the running game was spectacular. Brandon Saine and Dan Herron both had a solid effort, as well they should have against such a poor defense. Terrelle Pryor had some excellent runs. And of course the success of the running game can be attributed to the offensive line doing its job.
Defense
Brian Rolle is THE MAN. He has to be the defensive MVP for the team this year, with Kurt Coleman running a close second. Coleman's 2nd interception was a very good and athletic play. I liked Thad Gibson's interception even better. He was just sitting there waiting for Forcier to throw it to him. Pretty sweet for a defensive lineman. Frankly, the defense did everything it was supposed to do. It limited UM's offensive output, forced 5 turnovers, and even scored a TD. It would have been real nice if the offense could have done more with those turnovers.

The Bad
Offense
Can you say the passing game was bad when it was so negligible? Certainly, Terrelle Pryor's interception falls into this category. It's tough to complete a pass when your wide receiver is carrying a DB on his back.
The Buckeyes are really going to have to learn about pass patterns that go beyond the first down marker. On the first 3rd down of the game, on 3rd and 8, the Buckeyes threw a 3-yard pass. Next, on 3rd and 5, they threw a 3-yard pass. And then, when the Buckeyes actually had a 3rd and 3, the play was a QB sweep. Brilliant.
I have to ask again, why is Brandon Saine being so limited? They seem to put a cap of 12 carries on him, even when he averages 7+ yards per carry.
Defense
I don't want to seem like I am singling out Chimdi Chekwa, but that guy just looks lost on the field. I don't even have a valid theory for what he was doing on scUM's one TD of the day.

The Ugly
Offense/Special Teams
9 punts? 9 punts? Are you kidding me? Against a team that had been giving up 28 points a game (and that includes the games against EMU, WMU, and Delaware State)? Just once, I would like to see the offense play a whole game. Why does the coaching staff feel the need to absolutely call off the dogs after the Buckeyes get a lead? I mean, a 7-point lead is pretty substantial with this defense, but it would be nice to think that the offense actually puts forth effort for the entire game, and I just don't get that feeling at all. Somehow, the Buckeyes manage to drag the rest of the Big Ten into this 1950s style offensive morass, but does anyone think it will be effective against a team like Oregon?

Under the Radar Player of the Game
Well, every one of the wide receivers was under the radar in this game. Rolle, Coleman, Gibson, and Ross Homah all had amazing games. However, since TDs were so rare, I have to give credit to someone on the offense as the UtR player of the game. And I will do just that. On Saine's TD, Jim Cordle sealed off the edge and allowed Saine to get down the sideline and into the end zone. Congrats to Cordle for being the UtR player of the game against scUM.

Open letter to Buckeyes players and coaches

Dear Buckeyes,
I fully believe that you will wrap up another successful season by beating the Wolverines. After all, that is the true measuring stick of a successful season: a victory of Michigan. However, I feel I need to say this after getting to know this team's modus operandi. Specifically, when the Buckeyes get a lead, the offense has a tendency to go very conservative, and, I'll just say it, predictable. As I mentioned, I believe not only that the Buckeyes will win, but also that you will get an early lead on that team up north. It is clear that this team embraces the offense of Woody Hayes. I implore you to also embrace the philosophy of Woody Hayes. That is to say, if you have the chance to bury the Wolverines, you do it, and don't let up. Hang a loss on the Wolverines that would make Woody proud, especially if it means going for two late in the game with an already substantial lead.
Go Bucks! Beat the Blue!
Sincerely,
Gary Schwind
Loyal Buckeye fan and alum.

Previewing The Game

I don't normally preview games, but I feel comfortable doing this one. When you look at this game, you have to realize that the Buckeyes could hang 50 on the maize and blue. UM gave up 33 points to Indiana. In the past 4 weeks, UM's opponents have scored 35, 38 (twice), and 45. In other words, the defense, already bad, has gotten worse. Good news, right? There is nothing stopping the Buckeyes from hanging half a hundred on the hated ones.
Only, if it does happen, 3 of the TDs will come from the defense. Here is how I see it. Ohio State will take an early lead, 7-0 or 10-0. Then the offense will run 21 consecutive running plays, resulting in at least a couple three-and-outs. Along the way, UM will manage to tie the game. At that point, maybe, just maybe, the Buckeyes will rediscover the forward pass and score a couple more times. In the 4th quarter, instead of getting some playing time for the reserves, TP will still be slinging 5-yard passes and handing off to whatever running back is averaging a roubst 3.5 yards per carry. In the end, thanks to the ultra-conservative gameplan, it's closer than it should be.

Sure, the Buckeyes clinched the Rose Bowl, but...

The men of the scarlet and gray still have some business to take care of. Just ask Bo Biafra of Dead Schembechlers.

Uncle Sal and the Dominican Dispute (Episode 117)

In the Turn Your Head and Coffee Shop, Uncle Sal sat down across from Giacomo and his new girlfriend Earlene, who despite the chilly temperature, wore a gingham halter top, a skirt that was barely long enough to be called an article of clothing, and blue cowboy boots. Giacomo looked very much in need of a place like the Cocked-Up Cafe.

"You look a little rough, Giacomo. Long night?" He asked with a glance at Earlene.

Giacomo took a bite of his pecan coffee cake and said, "Uncle Sal, you wouldn't believe what happened. I went to the Crow Bar last night and who was in there but Father Marconi?"

"The head of the local Dominican monastery?"

"Yeah, that's the one. Well, Father Marconi was really tying one on. I mean, he must have been trying to forget something or someone. He was drinking Maker's Mark straight up, and when he wasn't chasing it with more whiskey, he was chasing it with beer. Now, you know Chip."

Uncle Sal picked a piece of lint off of his Jack of Hearts sweater vest and said, "Chip was there last night? Boy, he never shortchanges you on the booze. I like when he's there."

"Exactly. That was part of the problem. Chip was serving up drinks like he normally does, but then the more Father Marconi drank, the less Chip put in his drinks. So, at some point, Father Marconi goes up for another drink and Chip refuses to serve him. Tells the good Father he's had enough already. Marconi looks at Chip and says, 'Do you think I'm drunk?' And Chip answers, 'Does the Pope wear a funny hat?' That set Father Marconi off. He was ready to lunge over the bar and fight Chip with everything he had. I don't need to tell you that Father Marconi has all the size advantages on Chip, and even though he was lit up, I think he could have done some damage to Chip. So, I did just like my dad taught me. I grabbed Father Marconi, pinned both his arms to his sides and pulled him away from there. I mean, who knows what might have happened to Chip, or the bar, if Father Marconi got back there."

"Guess it's a good thing you were there to pull the abbot out of the spat."

This episode featured:
Edvard Monk as Uncle Sal
Henri Prieste as Giacomo
Barbara "Bar" Nunn as Earlene
and
Jellybean Merengue as the blue cowboy boots.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "We're not in Medford, we're in a hurry."

Buckeyes 27, Hawkeyes 24 (OT)

[photo of Dan Herron by Marvin Fong of the Plain Dealer]

This installment of the weekly Buckeyes wrap-up is brought to you by pigs eating ham.

I'll just say it. If you believed all along that this team was going to a BCS game, your faith in the Buckeyes is much more profound than mine. Of course, they tried everything they could think of to give that game away, but the bottom line is that this is a conference championship team. That seemed like a pipe dream after the loss to Purdue. I'll admit it. To me, it seemed like a pipe dream after Barclay missed the field goal. To me, that had the earmarks of another Ohio State tank job. One thing is for sure: this was an odd game. With that in mind, I am going to break from the traditional format.

HUH?
*Someone answer me this. Why is a QB even necessary on a team that almost never throws the ball further than 5 yards? Everywhere else, the QB is described as a critical position. At OSU, the QB is nothing more than a conduit to get the ball to the tailback. Why don't the Buckeyes just go with the Nebraska-style triple option?
*I will never (and I mean ever) understand why you throw a pass behind the line of scrimmage on 3rd and short, as the Buckeyes did on the first drive.
*Is there no better cornerback on the roster than Chimdi Chekwa? Did you notice the highlights of Vandenberg? In every last one of them, Chekwa appeared on the losing end.
*If Brandon Saine is the running back averaging 9+ yards per carry, why does Dan Herron get three times as many carries?
*How can a defense as good as the Buckeyes intercept the opposing QB thrice and still allow that QB a chance to win the game in overtime?
*Wouldn't it be great if the offense ever put together a solid performance for 4 quarters? Wouldn't it also be great if the offense could stay on the field for more than 2 minutes at a time?
*Why on earth didn't Iowa take a shot downfield against Chekwa when they got the ball with a little less than a minute to play?
*Is it any wonder why the Big Ten is a laughingstock when you have not one, but both coaches playing for overtime.
OK, now that I've got that out of the way, let's move on.

The Good
Offense
For the second consecutive week, the Bucks had a successful day running the ball. Frankly, they'd better considering how negligible the passing game is. Brandon Saine looked great and I can't imagine why he didn't get more carries. Herron had some good runs too, but it's hard to argue with 103 yards on only 11 carries.
Defense
The defense was great in the 1st half and in overtime. It did slip in the 2nd half mostly because Vandenberg seemed (rightly) to target Chekwa on every play. Homan had a great game. Spitler played really well. Heck, Anderson Russell had 2 of the 3 interceptions.
Since this was such an odd game, I am going to skip directly to...

The Ugly
Offense
It's the same old story. Ohio State gets a lead, then the offense becomes predictable and stagnant. Hey, at least the Buckeyes didn't break from precedent.
I just have to ask: What was the deal with that 2-minute offense at the end of the 4th quarter? 2:42 left in the game, all three time-outs and the Buckeyes showed no urgency. Not only that, they refused to run a play of greater than 2 yards. Who plays for overtime with nearly 3 minutes to play and all 3 timeouts? Ridiculous!
Defense
Nathan Williams jumping offside and negating a pick-6 by Thad Gibson was really disappointing. Although I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. AFter all, that touchdown would have sealed the game for the Buckeyes.
Special Teams
You might have thought that the game was sealed once the Buckeyes took a 24-10 lead. Did you honestly believe that the Buckeyes would salt the game away? HAHAHA! Not so fast, my friend! The scarlet and gray couldn't wait to give some of that lead back. Pretty terrible when only one defender gets a hand on the kick returner on a 99-yard return.

Under the Radar player of the game
As mentioned, a lot of guys had good games. Still, it isn't a real easy choice this week. Perhaps if somebody had done something spectacular in overtime, this would be an easier selection. But, the Buckeyes might as well have kicked the field goal on 1st down in overtime. So, who is worthy of the award? Well, Zach Boren and Dane Sanzenbacher both had good blocks to spring Herron for the TD that made it 17-10. And let's face it, would anyone have been surprised if the Buckeyes wound up with a FG attempt there? So, those two guys seem like as good an option as anyone else.

Uncle Sal and the Exasperated Expatriate (Episode 116)

Giacomo was looking at his phone when Uncle Sal walked into The Bum's Steer, where they had arranged to meet for steak and whiskey.

"Whatcha doin, Giacomo? How come ya didn't have a whiskey here waiting for me?"

Giacomo looked up and said, "I've been reading this long message from my friend Ken Clark. He just moved over to Belgium for work and it happened kind of quickly. So, he packed all of his clothes but couldn't take a lot of other things with him on the plane."

Uncle Sal flagged down a waiter in a black cowboy hat and said, "We'd both like a Tullamore Dew, neat. But don't just put it in a shot glass. We want to sip it, not shoot it." He smoothed his Ohio State sweater vest and turned his attention back to Giacomo.

"So, Ken wrote to his brother and told him to pack up a crate with all of the things that he's missing most in Belgium. You know, his favorite CDs, books, yellow mustard, Hershey bars. Now Ken is all upset because the crate arrived, but there was no yellow mustard in it. He tells me that he stressed to his brother to include the yellow mustard because he can't get it in Belgium and he doesn't like the European style at all. So he writes to me, 'What am I supposed to put on my sausages? Mayonnaise? Blech!' Then he goes on and on about how incompetent his brother is. I mean, he's really upset about the whole thing. You should see this message."

Uncle Sal sipped his Tullamore Dew and said, "Mustard, eh? Seems like a big overreaction just because something's forgotten in the crate of Ken Clark."

This episode featured:
Fred "Cookie" Crumb as Giacomo
Abel Weiss as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the black cowboy hat.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I don't need you to tell me how good my coffee is."

Buckeyes 24, Nittany Lions 7

[photos of Ray Small and Cameron Heyward by Marvin Fong/The Plain Dealer]

This installment of the weekly Buckeyes wrap-up is brought to you by every veteran's favorite appetizer: deep-fried onions.

OK, I'll admit it. I predicted a Buckeyes loss before the game began. I thought the Buckeyes would lose 17-12 (I was giving them credit for 2 TDs, but no PATs). Considering how the Buckeyes have fared in big games in recent years, that seemed feasible. What a pleasant surprise to see the scarlet and gray play the way they did.

The Good
Offense
The end of the 3rd quarter and all of the 4th quarter were pretty amazing. Starting of course with the 62-yard TD pass to Posey. I never expected that play to be called. (I'm sure Penn State didn't expect it.) I was even more amazed when it was completed for a TD. Why doesn't Bollman try things like that more frequently. The final TD drive had some surprises too. Like a pass to the FB (the 2nd of the game, mind you) on a short-yardage play. And also rolling out Pryor and throwing to Saine for the TD. Penn State had no idea how to handle that because they had never seen a Tressel team try anything like that. Oh, and props to the coaching staff for discovering a little play called the bubble screen. Boy, it sure didn't feel like the offense racked up 225 rushing yards, but it did. Saine had some really good carries, and the O-line opened up some nice holes. I don't like to play the "should've" game, but just think about this. This easily could have been a 34-0 game if: the team attempted and made a field goal from the 28-yard line, Darryl Clark's TD was rightly negated, and TP connects with Dane Sanzenbacher at the end of the first half.
Defense
The defense just strangled PSU all game. It was nice to see the D register a sack on Clark's first snap. He never did get comfortable, as demonstrated by his 42.9 completion percentage and only 125 yards passing. Chew on this. The defense allowed only 201 total yards and 9 first downs. That is pretty incredible, particularly against the #11 team in the country. Cameron Heyward was en fuego in this game. He was unstoppable. Thaddeus Gibson had a really solid game also, and Ross Homan should have had at least 2 interceptions. Oh, and since Clark didn't actually cross the goal line, this really should count as another shutout for the defense.
Special Teams
Ray Small was incredible. He gave the team just what it needed to get started in this game: a chance to start a drive at Penn State's 9-yard line. He ended up with 128 return yards, and that was nice to see.
The Bad
Offense
Early in the game, it looked like it would be another sputtering performance. There were a lot of 3rd-and-long situations, which of course is not where this offense excels. The receivers dropped a couple balls that looked like easy completions. I'm not sure what was up with that.
Defense
There isn't really anything to put here, except the penalties. And Ross Homan's dropped interception.
The Ugly
Offense
In the 2nd quarter, this looked like a movie we have seen before. The offense scores early, the defense is nails, and then the offense can't stay on the field long enough to give the defense a break. Then at the end of the game, the D is dead tired and gives up a game-winning TD. OK, so that didn't happen. I'm still mystified by the fact that the offense made it to the 28-yard line...and punted. I doubt any other team in college football would have handled it that way. Of course, it was even more maddening when the Buckeyes tried a FG from only 3 yards closer. Weird decisions.
Defense
None.
Under the Radar player of the game
Naturally, there are a lot of good candidates for it this week, but for me it is not a difficult choice. Ray Small was a tremendous catalyst for the offense, setting up the first score. And all in all, he just had a good day returning kicks. And then there was Cameron Heyward. Darryl Clark got quite a few introductions to Mr. Heyward in this game. So, there you have it. Small and Heyward are your UtR players of the game.

Prediction on TP's line against Penn State

I'm looking into my crystal ball and this is what I see for Terrelle Pryor today: 11 of 24, 141 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT. I hope he proves me wrong.

Uncle Sal and the Beaned Batsman (Episode 115)

In the Crow Bar, Uncle Sal and Joe sat watching the baseball championship series even though the Wombats were not playing in it. The Mudskippers and the Hagfish were tied at 4 with one out and the bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th.

The announcer said, "And Graves lifts a lazy fly ball to shortstop for the second Mudskippers out of the inning."

Uncle Sal brushed a rice cracker off of his Viva Las Vegas sweater vest and said, "Unbelievable! How much are they paying that bum, and he can't even hit the ball hard enough to bring home the run that would have won the game."

Joe saw who was walking toward the plate and said, "It don't matter. Look who's coming up to bat."

Uncle Sal looked at the screen. "Otis Lamorey? A .250 hitter with only three home runs and thirty-two RBIs. I guess you're right. It don't matter who's coming to bat. This game's goin to extra innings."

"No, no! Not at all. Lamorey's gonna win the game for the Mudskippers, just you watch."

"Now what makes you think that a terrible hitter like that is gonna win the game?"

"Don't you know about Lamorey?"

"Course I don't. He don't play for the Wombats."

After a sip of his stout, Joe said, "This is a guy that has made an art form of getting hit by a pitch. I mean, this is a guy that can dive into any pitch. Fastball, slider, curveball. Heck I even seen him get hit with a sixty-five mile per hour knuckleball one time. I ain't sure how he does it, and I ain't sure if what he does is within the rules of the game. I mean, to be honest, the guy ain't worth having on the team for any other reason. Funny thing is, he always goes down too. Even with the knuckleball, he manages to fall and make it look realistic."

"So, this guy is gonna get hit by a pitch and force in the winning run?"

"Just watch."

The announcer became more excited as the pitcher threw two balls to Lamorey. "It's a two-oh count. This is gonna have to be a good pitch. Nowhere to put Lamorey here. Niskeiwicz steps off the mound and talks into his hat. Probably telling himself he needs to throw a strike here. Niskiewicz rears back and here's the pitch."

Uncle Sal watched as Lamorey looked like he tried to avoid the pitch, only to have it hit him right in the rib cage. He fell to the ground as his teammates ran onto the field to celebrate the victory. "I guess you're right, Joe. Every pitcher fells Lamorey."

This episode featured:
Dizzy Diener as Uncle Sal
Julius "Boysenberry" Sheikz as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the rice cracker.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop."