Ask Uncle Sal has a new home...in Incognito Magazine

Hey all you Salcoholics out there. I just wanted to let you know that there is a new home for Ask Uncle Sal. You can now find my advice column in the pages of Incognito Music, Models, and More. Keep them questions comin'...even the really weird ones because all questions are fair game for this.

Ask Uncle Sal: Super-size edition

Dear Uncle Sal, I saw this sign the other day. What on earth does it mean? Watch out for tandem hula hoop people? Puzzled in Plattsburgh

Puzzled, that's a pretty good guess. From what I unnerstand, Medford, Oregon, once had a problem with tandem hula hoopers gettin' hit by oncoming traffic. But this sign is sump'n else entirely. I happen to know that this sign originated in Lexington, Kentucky. In case ya didn't know, Lexington was named the fattest city in the US last year. While this sign looks like it's warning you to beware of tandem hula hoopers, it really means look out for people that are so big, they have other people orbiting around 'em. I'd say that's a pretty good warning.

Dear Uncle Sal: The other day I seen this woman at the park riding one of them 'lectric moving chairs. Her legs was splayed outward (cuz o her fat apron which hung down about midcalf), and her body looked like a giant soft serve cone with a cherry on top for a head. When you yourself sees something like that, what do you do to git the image out o your head? Booze aint workin. Reelin' in Rehoboth

Reelin' lemme guess, this woman was wearin' a floral-print muumuu. Silly question, I know. Course she was wearin' a muumuu cuz she can't fit in nothin' else. Anywho, I ain't sayin' I personally do this when I need to get an image outta my head. Booze usually works for me. Here's what I'm gonna recommend to you to get the image of that woman outta yer coconut. Ready for this? Think about yer friends. Now think about yer least attractive friend. Prolly some big hairy guy. Now imagine that guy wearin' nothin' but suntan oil and a Speedo, sittin' by the pool eatin' a chocolate and hot dog sundae with extra mayo and makin' time with yer girl. I reckon that'll get the image of that Lark rider right outta that head o' yers.

Ask Uncle Sal: motor oil and housewives

I don't want to give anyone ideas with the title of this one. I ain't proposin' some sort of new sexual warmup. Those just happen to be the two topics covered in this edition.

Holy crap, Uncle Sal! I wasn't talking about my woman. Sheila is my motorbike. I just wanted to know a good motor oil. What gave you the idea I was talking about a woman? Yearning in Yakutat

Yearning, ya mighta told me before that Sheila was a motorbike. Ya think I like researchin' lubes? Never mind that! Ya know how many showers I had to take after asking Sven Hungus to answer yer question. that guy has more robes than any one guy has a right to. And I never seen so many oils outside a Philippine massage parlor (I tell ya, if ya ever get the chance, try one of them out...best massage you'll ever have.) And what gave me the idea Sheila is a woman? Ya called her Sheila. That's a chick's name, ya doofus! Plus, all that stuff in yer letter gave me no reason to suspect ya were talkin' about a bike. Now ya got me all worked up. Hang on.
OK, a belt of whiskey is just what I needed there. Now, onto yer question. Ya want a good oil for Sheila? Try AMSOIL Synthetic. I reckon it's as good an oil as ya can find for Sheila.

Uncle Sal, what is the deal with all these Real Housewives shows? I swear my girl was just watching The Real Housewives of Las Cruces. Reality (TV) Bites

Imagine a little person on this.

I gotta be honest with ya, Reality. I have no idea what is so charming about these shows. Seems like every one of 'em (and I ain't seen more'n a minute of any one) is about six women who are supposedly friends but snipe at each other alla time. From what I seen, ya can almost hear these chicks getting coached on the "real" set of the show. I can't even imagine why people find this entertaining. Me, I'd rather go to sump'n like an event I once saw in Casper, Wyoming, where a midget...ermm...little person jumped a pocket rocket motorcycle over four Buick Centurys through a flaming hoop and into a pool filled with whipped cream. But maybe that's just me. Apparently, a lot more folks is entertained by a bunch of women cussin' at each other than little people on little bikes. I got no explanation for it, but like they said in Raising Arizona:
"It's a crazy world."
"Someone oughta sell tickets."
Tell ya what, if someone does sell tickets, I want the beer concession.

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Ask Uncle Sal: lubricants and Cup contenders

Yeah, I know. It's been a couple weeks since the last edition of Ask Uncle Sal. I ran into a little predicament in Santa Fe with a professional billiards player, a Korean sous chef, two bottles of absinthe, and three bungee cords.

Dear Uncle Sal: I'm looking for a good lubricant for my Sheila. She just came into my life, and it's rough-going getting her revved up, if you know what I mean, because of her age. I like to take that long, slow ride, but it's no fun feeling all that roughness under me as I'm trying to start her up. Can you help me out? Yearning in Yakutat

Hmmm...well it seems like I have unwittingly insinuated myself into someone's boudoir. I can't say that's the most comfortable position for me, but I'm here to answer your questions. Or at least someone is. See, I would prolly just advise you to find someone younger than this Sheila. But I guess if yer Australian, I would just say find a younger Sheila. First, I think you'll find she won't need as much revving up, especially if she's in her early 20s. Second, I think that with a younger Sheila, you can take as long and slow a ride as you want and she ain't gonna complain, if ya know what I mean. As for the roughness. Well, some Sheilas like that sorta thing. Anyway, I called on self-proclaimed sexologist Sven Hungus to answer your questions about lube.
Yearning, I admire your frankness in looking for lubes. I must say, I have tried them all and the best thing I can tell you is to use one that's water-based. My personal favorite is Maximus. It's never let me down and I've used it plenty. Now some guys find they just can't buy lube when they make that trip to the adult fun store. If that's the case with you, then I'm with Uncle Sal. Find a younger Sheila.

Dear Uncle Sal, can the Kings win the Stanley Cup this year? Hrudey Can't Fail

Sure the Kings can win the Stanley Cup this year. And tap water might start tastin' like a fine Islay Scotch. I'll tell ya one thing for sure. If the Kings do win the Cup this year, the population of LA will decrease. No, not because of riots, but because those fans that always say, "I can die happy if the Kings win the Cup" will. Die, that is. All three of 'em.

Ask Uncle Sal: Hairdos and hammocks

Dear Uncle Sal, what is the deal with women and the hair salon? My wife goes every other month. She spends $150 and two hours at the salon, then she's pissed at me because I didn't notice that she had 1/8 of an inch trimmed from the ends of her hair. Inconsiderate Idjit

Ah yes, the hair issue. I tell ya, Inconsiderate, if I had a buck for every time a broad got mad at me for the hair issue, I'd prolly be retired on some Pacific island. The thing is, ya wanna think that women are being hornswoggled in this whole thing. Why pay $150 fer a haircut that ain't even noticeable? Well, there's a few things at work here.

• First off, no guy ('cept maybe a politician, and who wants to hold them up as an example of anything) would pay that much for a haircut. And why? Because we don't feel the need to put guilt trips on our women. Heck, ya can tell her until yer blue in the face that ya feel unappreciated. All she's gonna hear is BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. So obviously this hustle ain't gonna work if it's men paying that much fer a haircut. 
• Now, that tells me that the hairdressers are in on the flimflam. After all, them lady hairdressers gotta get their hair cut too. 
• So the question is why this conspiracy? Well, that $150 yer wife spends is worth it a) for the guilt she can heap on ya and b) for the makeup gifts she can get outta ya. 

Either that, or yer wife ain't really goin' to the hair salon at all.

Dear Uncle Sal: looking forward to hitting the beaches this summer. What's going to be popular for wearing, or should I just stick to my go-to pink satin banana hammock? Can't Wait in Calabash

I don't wanna see nothin' like this.

Well, Can't Wait, after I read your question, I took three hot showers where I used steel wool for a washcloth. Unfortunately, I still didn't feel any better afterward. Now listen. I ain't one to judge what someone wears. Ya can wear whatever ya want. After all, yer an adult (I'm assumin') and ya don't need any permission from me about what ya should wear. I'll just say two things about the banana hammock. First, I hope you and I ain't hangin' out at the same beach because that sure ain't sump'n I wanna see. Second, I can't imagine any time or place ('cept maybe somewhere in Europe) where a pink satin banana hammock would be acceptable beachwear. I can't say for certain what'll be popular for wearin'. I ain't no fashion expert. All I can say is, how about a nice pair of boardshorts, buddy? They even got 'em in floral designs if ya want.

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7 x 7 link award

Well, yours truly has been mentioned by the good folks at 3 Guys 1 Movie in their 7 x 7 link award post. OK, so it was actually my Examiner profile that was mentioned in that post. However, when I write for Examiner (one of my many outlets), I write strictly about music. So, let's get right to it...doing it strictly by the book. And if you know me even a little you know that strictly by the book is not the way I ordinarily do things.

1. Tell everyone something that no one else knows about you. Ummm, there are probably loads of things that people don't know about me. But here goes: I am relentlessly prompt. Or I was before I had my two kids.
2. Link to one of the posts that best fits the following categories: most beautiful, most helpful, most popular, most controversial, most surprisingly successful piece, most underrated piece, most pride-worthy piece.
3. Pass this on to seven other blogs.

• Most beautiful - Well, personally I think it was a thing of beauty when I was able to twist the words of "Me and Bobby McGee" into the clincher for Episode 126 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles.
• Most helpful - This would have to be the edition of Ask Uncle Sal entitled Erection Set.
• Most popular and most controversial - Not everyone agreed with it, but my Examiner story "Thanks for Nothing, Morrissey" got quite a lot of reaction. That, and my piece about Utah County Swillers.
• Most surprisingly successful piece - My recent piece about the Poxy Boggards St. Paddy's Day show did amazingly well.
• Most underrated piece - Jeez, I have no idea.
• Most pride-worthy piece - This has to be Episode 100 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles, not only because it was a big milestone, but also because it was the only time any episode included more than one clincher (it has three).

Passing it on to seven other blogs

• Paddy Rock - It is what you would expect from the name: a site (complete with podcast) dedicated to Celtic punk. Lots of good show reviews, CD reviews, and bands you should get to know.
• Bob Whitehand's World of Music - Very thorough pieces on music artists new and old.
• Voodoo Funk - This guy has the market cornered on west African funk.
• Meeting Boy - This guy has some pretty acerbic observations about office life.
• This is probably pretty unexpected, but fyeahtattoos on Tumblr shows lots of cool photos of tattoos.
• New Dad in Training - He runs half-marathons, he has a newborn at home, and he's a big Buckeyes fan.
• If you've ever read Uncle Sal, you know I have a thing for wordplay. So does the person behind Wordplay Wonderland.

Ask Uncle Sal: Football and flat bottoms

Yeah, yeah. I know it's been a while since the last installment. I got myself into a tight spot in Carbondale with an illusionist, his busty redheaded assistant, a jar of marshmallow creme and a tube of super glue. Now onto yer questions.

Do you think Urban Meyer will use any unfair recruiting practices at Ohio State? Wants Trustworthy Footballmen


Well WTF, I don't wanna cast any aspersions on anyone, but I reckon he prolly will. Heck, he comes from the SEC and ain't no conference uses unfair recruiting practices more than the SEC. But hey, last I checked this was college ball, not elementary school where everythin' needs to be fair. And also the last I checked Urban Meyer wasn't hired to run a group of choirboys. He's there to win football games and national championships. Way I see it, if yer gonna do that, yer prolly gonna step on some toes.
Say, that reminds me of when I played tight end and linebacker for ol' Cotton U. Our rival was the Fightin' Catfish of Gantry University. Now, when I played, Gantry had this big ugly (I tell ya, this guy coulda been the inspiration for one of Keith Jackson's favorite terms) defensive end name of Ugly Stick Foster. (I'm sure that ain't the name his mama give him, but that's how we called him.) And ya know what was his best pass rushin' technique? Soon as the ball was snapped, he'd move in and stomp on yer foot with them big ol' size 17 cleats. Then while yer howlin' in pain, he'd just push ya over and run at the quarterback. But I tell ya, one time on the receivin' end of that and ya modify your own technique. Next time I saw him raising that big ol' hoof to stomp me, I got both hands under his arms and yanked his armpit hair. Ya wanna see a big slobberin' bull stop in his tracks, try that.
Anyway, like I was sayin'...it's football. Fairness has got nothin' to do with it.

My friend and I go fishing every weekend. He's got a round-bottom boat and I've got a flat bottom. He says his is better cuz of the shape. I say fish don't care. Who's right? Flat-bottom girl


FBG, I hope you didn't make a wager with your friend about who I say is right because the answer is you both are. You're right that the fish don't care. Yer yanking 'em outta their home and throwin' 'em into a boat so I reckon they don't really care what shape is the boat yer puttin' 'em into. Yer friend is right too though because no guy likes to see a woman with a flat bottom.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Reuben and the stains

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last edition of Ask Uncle Sal. I had a little situation in Sioux City with a Mongolian go-go dancer, an accountant, a billiard ball, and two quarts of mescal. Now onto yer questions.

How much sauerkraut is too much on a reuben? Navigating the Sandwich Islands

I'd say this depends on yer personal taste, but ya really can have too much sauerkraut on a reuben. I can't say fer sure what measurement is too much, but the thing is ya don't want the kraut to overpower the corned beef. If ya take a bite of yer sammich and ya taste sauerkraut and not much else, then I'd say ya got too much on there. Now I'm in the mood fer a nice reuben. And ya know what goes great with a reuben. Well, I find a cajun martini goes pretty well with just about anything, but when I order one of these, I like to have a witbier with it. Mmmmmm reuben and witbier.

I'm thinking of building a deck. Do I stain it or leave it raw to go gray in the sun? Deck the (Chippewa) Falls

Look here, Deck. The important question is when are ya gonna have the first kegger on yer new deck? And I should hope I'm invited. Say, that reminds me. I was at a kegger on a deck Oconomowoc one time and there's this big fella name of Tiny Armbruster. Now, Tiny could drink, which ain't surprisin' for a guy musta weighed 300 pounds. What was surprisin' was that he wanted to do a keg stand. As ya might imagine, there wasn't a whole lot of people rushin' to hold him while he did his keg stand, but finally he talked some folks into it. There he is doing a keg stand. I tell ya, someone shoulda put a timer on it. He's doing the keg stand, then all of a sudden he just erupts with this big sneeze. Not only sprayed everyone nearby with beer, but he also fell. Of course, the people holdin' him all crashed to the deck too. Brand new deck and Tiny just splintered a coupla them boards. As for yer question, I say stain it. Lettin' it go gray might be good for black and white photos, but you wanna keep that deck tip-top, you should stain it.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Fire away.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Marmite and hallucinogens

Dear Uncle Sal: What will the Kiwis do when there's no more Marmite? Concerned in Kalkaska

Well now, I can see why this here would be a big deal in New Zealand. From what I gather, them Kiwis like to start their day with Marmite on toast. For them, losin' Marmite is like Americans runnin' outta peanut butter or sump'n like that. I don't think there's too much to worry about though, Concerned. Way I see it, with no more Marmite, Kiwis will get their vitamin B from other sources...like Lion Red, Speights, Monteith's, etc.

Dear Uncle Sal, are there any videos from the 80s that weren't made under the influence of hallucinogenics? Ozoned in Okoboji

Ozoned, I can't say I seen every video ever made in the 80s, but I see what yer gettin' at. A lot of them videos is pretty trippy and I have no doubt that a lot of the folks involved in makin' them videos was so high they needed a stepladder to scratch their respective backside. That bein' said, this video might not have been inspired by hallucinogenics, but I'm willin' to bet some chemicals were used in making it.

Ask Uncle Sal: Mitt and Without You

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last edition. Nothin' I could do about it. I ran into a spot of trouble in Bozeman with a Filipina masseuse, three ping pong paddles, a Croatian gymnastics coach, and a barrel of moonshine.

Dear Uncle Sal: Who wrote the 1971 pop classic "Without You"? Musically Misinformed


Well MM, this here's a good question. Of course ya coulda consulted some kinda music encyclopedia for this one, but ya know I'll give ya a better answer than some ol' dusty book. Most people think Harry Nilsson wrote it and he is the one that made it famous. But I know for a fact this song was written by jug band Lynchpin Simmons and the Fishtails. How? Cuz I was there when the Lynchpin introduced the song for the first time. It was at The Yellow Brick Roadhouse in Bentonville, Arkansas, in October, 1968. Ol' Lynchpin stood up there with his cigar-box guitar and said, "This here's a song we just wrote. We ain't never played it in front of an audience before. It's called 'Without You'. We hope you gone like it." I'll tell ya what, MM. That version was a real hot number. Then Harry Nilsson come along and made it into a pop song. I ain't sayin' it's bad, but it sure ain't the foot-stomper it was the first time I heard it.

Is Jeb Bush's endorsement of Mitt Romney a good thing for either one of them? Scrutinizing Suffragist


Let's look at this, SS. One clown endorses another clown for a position that neither one is qualified to occupy. And I ain't just sayin' that about Bush and Romney. I reckon that applies to all politicians. Ya ask me, any endorsement from a politician ain't a good thing. Think about it this way. Would you want a politician's endorsement for anything? I wouldn't. I figger that'd be the kiss of death for whatever it is I'm tryin' to accomplish. Matter of fact, if I ever did receive an endorsement from a politician, I'd show up on his doorstep and demand that he retract it immediately if not sooner.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Uncle Knucklehead and the campaign bumper stickers

Hey Uncle Sal. I keep hearing this term “play on words” and “pun”. What does that mean? Why would you play on a book? What the heck is a pun? Uninformed 'Nucklehead Can't Locate Erudition

Boy, that's a heckofa handle ya got there, UNCLE. I wouldna thought you were capable of a word like erudition considering ya don't know what a pun is. Lemme ask ya sump'n UNCLE. Ya know there's things called dictionaries, right? In other words, all ya gotta do is crack open a book and you'll get an answer to yer question. The thing is, I could sit here and explain it to ya, but I get the feeling that'd be like explaining algebra to a tabby cat. But hey, I'm here to help. If you want examples of puns, pick up one of my books. Heck, I got three of 'em: A Gopher I Couldn't Defuse (that there's a pun), The Pickled Hand of Nate (that's another one), and Stocking on Levin's Floor (yup, that's one too). Ya can't figure out what a pun is after readin' those, well, then I imagine yer probably befuddled by things like doorknobs too.

In an election year, are bumper stickers wise? Campaign in the Neck (Hey UNCLE, didja catch that? That's another pun.)

Listen, Campaign. It's important to stand by yer convictions, but bumper stickers in an election year ain't at all wise. Why? Because every one of them candidates for office (yes, any office) is a clown. Plus, someone's bound to lose. Ya don't want to advertise that ya support both a clown and a loser (although is the winner of any election really a winner?). Now, bumper stickers is fine if they advertise yer favorite waterin' hole like The Crow Bar or your favorite ball team, but don't put some doofus politician's name on yer vehicle. I never have, never will.

Ask Uncle Sal: Pickled herring and picked-up chicks

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last edition of Ask Uncle Sal. If yer wonderin' where I been, let's just say I ran into trouble in Laredo with a Honduran luchadora, a used car salesman, a mysterious suitcase, and a sandwich bag filled with what turned out to be a mixture of oregano and Chinook hops. Now, onto yer questions.

Hey Uncle Sal: It seems to me you got the wrong impression. I ain't gonna whack my ma. Her favorite snack is pickled herring. She eats it by the bushel, and I was trying to think of some way of sending it without offending the other passengers. Geez, I guess I shoulda mentioned that. Put Out in Pontchatouka, again

Hey Put Out, I reckon I did get the wrong impression. Except I didn't think you was gonna whack yer ma. I thought ya already done it. And yeah. I guess ya shoulda mentioned that. See, that there's what I mean when I say ya readers don't give me enough information. Now, as for the pickled herring, tell yer ma that's a fine choice. I reckon any little Igloo cooler will be enough to keep her herring fresh and keep the passengers away from the smell...at least until she props her head against the window and starts snorin' and exhaling the pickled herring scent for the entire bus to enjoy. Oh, and tell yer ma to pack a growler fulla Cajun martini cuz ain't nothin' goes with pickled herring like a Cajun martini.

Hey Uncle Sal: Ever since I started bringing home women I meet at clubs, my wife's in a bad mood. Any way to snap her out of it? Her constant banging on the bedroom door is really cramping my style. Annoyed in Apalachicola

Annoyed, the way I see it, there's a coupla reasons your wife might be in a bad mood and bangin' on the bedroom door.

• When you go in there with some chick you picked up at the club, she feels like she's missin' out on sump'n she don't wanna miss. You know, maybe she wants a piece of the action too.
• Another possibility is that she left her romance novel on the night table and she's bangin' on the door because she wants to do some readin' before she hits the hay.
• Or maybe, just maybe, she's standin' on the other side of the door with a cast-iron skillet waiting to whack you or your bar chick on the coconut with it.

I say that first possibility is reason enough to open the door the next time she starts bangin' on it while you're gettin' yer groove on. Just duck in case she's there for possibility #3.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Erection set?

Dear Uncle Sal: My wife's parents just e-mailed us asking if we think our son would like an erection set for his 8th birthday. How do we let them know this is wrong without hurting their feelings? Horrified in Homosassa

Hey Horrified, I gotta tell ya sump'n before I answer yer question. The combination of your topic and your hometown reminds me of the song "Homo Erectus" by Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys. Matter of fact, I thought about titling this column Homo Erectus, but thought that might give folks the wrong idea.
Now, onto yer question. Sometimes I feel like you readers don't give me enough information. For instance, do you only have the one son? Did you ask what's in this erection set? Maybe the erection set is a buncha little blue pills for you because your in-laws want another grandchild. Maybe they're plannin' to send a birthday gift for junior and include the erection set for you. As for hurtin' their feelings, I think they'll understand if ya tell 'em that yer bedroom problems are none of their concern.

Dear Uncle Sal:, I'm sending my ma on a trip to visit her sister out west. What's a good, sturdy brand of trash bag that'll keep in the stink and the fluids and ain't gonna rupture in transit? Put Out in Ponchatouka

Yer put out? Boy, I'll tell ya what. Times like these I wish I'd never said I'd answer any question ya can give me. Now, the thing is, this ain't my strong suit so I sent a message to a guy I know called Guido Scallopini and this here is what he wrote, "Look here. Trash bags is fine if you live in a trailer. But for a job like this one, what you really want is an ice chest. I mean one of the old kind that you can fasten shut. But if you are really fixed on trash bags (like some kinda cementhead), them Husky yard bags is pretty good."
There ya have it, Put Out, and all the rest of ya readers. Call it a cop-out if ya want, but you'll get an answer to your question on topics ranging from bags to fishes.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Dancing dogs and driveways

What do dancing meat products have to do with the day of the week? Redhot with Relish

Now, it would be easy to chalk this up as another thing cubicle farmers do to cheer themselves up. And it might well be. Some corporate drone mighta done that picture because Friday is the only thing he has to look forward to. (See a previous edition of Ask Uncle Sal about how much importance office cogs place on the day of the week.)
But let's think about this another way. Say you run a bar and your special on Fridays is hot dogs. Then that picture you submitted would be pretty appropriate, don'tcha think? So let's think of it as sump'n good like a bar special instead of sump'n as depressing as office life.

Dear Uncle Sal: Why do people park on driveways and drive on parkways? Bumfuzzled in Bemidji

These are the kinda questions that keep you up at night, Bumfuzzled? Since ya asked, I'll answer. That's the way this here column works.
To find the reason people drive on parkways, ya gotta go back a bit in history. Ya see, the first parkway was a road called Park Way in Ronkonkoma, New York. It was named for an amazing Korean table tennis player who moved there when he couldn't find no more opponents to play in his hometown in Korea. The guy won a national championship in table tennis (yeah, there is such a thing) after he moved to Ronkonkoma. As ya mighta guessed, parkway became a generic term for a road. Which leads us to the matter of parking on driveways. See, since a parkway became a generic term for a road, real estate agents couldn't say that a house had a parkway leading up to the garage. So some clever real estate agent figgered that if people drive on parkways, they might as well park on driveways.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Submit it at the Facebook fan page or to my gmail: askunclesal.

Ask Uncle Sal: Down on the cubicle farm

Since I work at a cube farm do you think they'd fire me if i just mooed from my desk every hour or so? If the did then where would I go since they kicked me off the farm for bein a full fledged member of the cube farm? Is there a home for lost wayward cube farm animals? Corporate Cog, Burned


Good questions, Cog. First off, I would encourage you to moo or make other barnyard sounds in your cubicle as frequently as you think is prudent. Why? Because from what I've seen, working on a cubicle farm is about avoiding both people and work. I guarantee folks will leave ya alone if they hear brayin' comin' from your cubicle.
Can you get fired for makin' farmyard noises? Prolly. Employers can fire folks for just about anything these days. But gettin' fired from your lot on the cubicle farm might be the best thing that ever happened to ya.
Which brings me to yer third question. Is there a home for wayward animals from the cubicle farm? Heck yeah. It's called wherever the fun is. Either that or university. A whole lotta career students go to school their whole lives just to avoid being in a cubicle. Thing is, that ain't much more fun than staring at a computer screen and doin' work ya hate. So do whatever ya gotta do, but get offa that cubicle farm.

Dear Uncle Sal, I have to use this machine. What does this mean? Mystified by the Machine

The way I see it, Mystified, this means a couple things.

1. The writer of this warning does not speak English (and was possibly drunk as a goldfish in a bowl of vodka).
2. The company that made the label does not have an editing department.
   

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Submit it to his gmail: askunclesal. Also, check out the blog Desk Jockey Shorts for more about the sheer misery of life on the cubicle farm.

Ask Uncle Sal: The brown edition - hobo coffee and corduroy jumpsuits

Uncle Sal, Why if I spend my whole day making money for the man can't the man at least buy be a cup of coffee that tastes like water that was run thru a hobo's sock? Hobo Joe from Kokomo.


Thanks for writin', Hobo Joe. Say, ya ever been to the Cocked Up Cafe? They got sump'n there called hobo coffee and I'll tell ya. Your spoon will stand up in the cup...if it don't dissolve first. But onto your question. Actually, I think ya kinda answered yer own question. How is The Man supposed to make any money if he's spending on fancy coffee for his employees? He ain't. Least that's the way he sees it. So of course The Man buys the cheap stuff because he don't care what kinda coffee you drink as long as yer makin' money for him.
The point here, Hobo Joe, is that you are in the crummy situation of working in an office. I'll tell you what I tell everyone in this predicament. Get out of it! A life of leisure (like mine) awaits you...bowlin', beverages, music shows with go-go dancers, etc. But first ya gotta eject from the cubicle farm. Ya can thank me later.

Hey Uncle Sal: I was gunna be the best man at my buddy's wedding, but I just found out all the groomsmen have to wear brown corduroy bell-bottom jumpsuits. Geez, how do I get out of this gracefully? Cringing in Cahokia


Hey Cringing. I think yer lookin' at this all wrong. Why wouldja wanna get out of this - gracefully or otherwise? First off, everyone knows thathttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif weddings do sump'n to the single chicks that are there. Ya wanna miss out on that? More'n that, I think ya oughta embrace it and here's how. From now until the day of the wedding, let your hair grow so it's nice and shaggy. Also, grow some big ol' sideburns. And for the finishing touch, make sure that jumpsuit is open to yer bellybutton, so everyone can see yer carpet of chest hair (assuming ya got one, of course). Sure, the bride will hate it, and by extension, so will yer buddy. But if that ain't all the more reason to do it, I don't know what is.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Send it to my gmail: askunclesal or the Facebook fan page.

Ask Uncle Sal: Bowling shoes, spanakopita, and other horrors

Dear Uncle Sal, which is better: to own your own pair of bowling shoes or merely rent them? Gutterballed


This here's an easy one, Gutterballed. I ain't rented a pair of bowling shoes in decades. Fer one, ya don't have to worry about the fungus everyone else had in those rented shoes before you got to put 'em on. And let's not forget that yer payin' for the privilege of wearin' them old bowling shoes every time ya roll.
On the other hand, if ya buy a pair of bowling shoes, ya can get them with sweet flame designs on the side if ya want. It beats them plain red, white, and blue ones they have at every bowling alley. Besides, if ya got yer own pair of shoes, that means ya got money for one more round of Spud's because you didn't spend any money on some nasty rented shoes. If that ain't a reason to buy yer own pair, I dunno what is.


Dear Uncle Sal, a friend of mine went to a Greek restaurant and got spanakopita. Can she infect me when we get together in the you know, bood-wah? Petrified in Paragonah

Boy, folks sure gotta different definition of friend than I ever had. I never ended up in the boudoir (nice spellin' by the way, PiP) with a lady that was just a friend. But to answer yer question, what exactly are ya afraid you'll be infected with? Iron? Vitamin B6? Dietary fiber? I reckon you'll be just fine in the boudoir...unless of course she has some communicable disease.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Submit it at the Facebook fan page or send it to my gmail.

Ask Uncle Sal: Baboons and Catsup (or is that Ketchup?)

Hey Uncle Sal, what's them big red blobs for that's on them baboon fellas' butts? Looks painful. Bewildered in Baraboo


Hmmm...seems like you mighta consulted a biology textbook on this one, but I'll give ya an answer. See, it's a little known fact that baboons originated the game of baseball. Now, I like baseball, but one tradition I can't understand is slappin' some other guy on the behind when he hits a home run or scores. Truth is, baseball players borrowed this from baboons who have been playin' the game much longer than humans. So that red bottom...well, it stems from all that bottom slappin in the game of baseball and somehow baboons retained that. You know, evolution and all.

Dear Uncle Sal, what's the difference between catsup and ketchup? Condemented in Conshohocken.


This here's a good question, Condemented. Hey, are you really demented? I mean, does it really make you nuts to think about the difference between catsup and ketchup? Never mind. I'll just stick to yer question. Here's the thing. Most people don't realize that catsup is actually an acronym for Couple A Tomatoes Stewed Under Pines. Now, what pines had to do with the process, I ain't sure. Seems kinda silly to me to stew vegetables out in the woods. People have had all sorts of weird superstitions. Didja know that people used to think carryin' a nutmeg would ward off rheumatism? So catsup was originally stewed tomatoes and eventually it became the condiment we know today. But just look at the word. It's awfully close to cat soup. Let's face it, cat soup ain't an easy sell. At least here in the States, so they modified the spelling to ketchup.

Gotta question for ol' Uncle Sal? Submit it at the Facebook fan page or to my Gmail address: askunclesal.

Ask Uncle Sal: Whiskey for Breakfast?

Hey Uncle Sal, long-time reader, first-time asker. Anyways, my girlfriend is staying over tonite and I want to impress her with a great breakfast. What will go better with Cap'n Crunch: Wild Turkey or Southern Comfort? Wondering in Weehawken


Do you mean to pour on the cereal or to sip on the side? No, forget I asked. If yer askin' me to choose between Wild Turkey and SoCo, I'll take Wild Turkey. SoCo is for hurricanes and nothin' else. But here's the thing, Wondering. Ya really want to impress this girl o' yours, put some of them waffles in the toaster and serve 'em with a white russian. If she ain't impressed by that, then ya know she's not the right one for you.

I wore a sleeveless v-neck sweater to church last week. A lot of people asked me where my shirt was. What do you make of that? Puzzled in Pottawatomie


You ain't the only one puzzled. Seems to me ya left some very vital information outta this. For example, are you a particularly busty woman? If so, I couldn't possibly see the problem with it. If ya got it to show off, I say why not. Although some of them churchgoing types may not agree with me on that one.
Or are you a particularly hairy man who wasn't wearing a sweater at all and instead went shirtless to church. If that's the case, I can certainly understand the protest. Ain't no one wants to see a guy wearin' an all-natural sweater if ya get my drift.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Submit it at the Facebook fan page or to askunclesal[at]gmail[dot]com.

Ask Uncle Sal: Marriage and other predicaments

My brother is getting married on Saturday but can't choose between wearing his periwinkle stovetop hat or his magenta bowler. Which one is more likely to guarantee him the good loving on his wedding night? Stovetop Stuffer


You know I love my hats. I ain't sure what a stovetop hat is, but I'm gonna assume ya mean a stovepipe hat. That said, I think yer missin' the point here. If a man can't get some good lovin' on his wedding night, well, let's just say that marriage ain't gettin off to a good start. I think the real question here is what he can wear or do to get some good lovin' after the wedding. (I can't say from personal experience because I never been married, but I hear that a woman is shall I say less willing after that ring is on her finger.)
But to answer your question, I'd recommend the magenta bowler hat. The stovepipe hat is a fine article of clothing, but ain't too many women get in the mood because a guy dresses like Abe Lincoln.

Unkle Sal, I'm a viral young man o 13 livin in WV hill country. It's time to find me a womn bu my ony choises is my sisters and cuzzins and they aint maridge material. What shood I doo? Hard Up in Hoo Hoo

Boy, Hard Up, I sure got a good laugh outta yer letter. Not because of your marryin' predicament but because the name you chose sounds like the title of an adult film.
Now on to yer question. Yer a viral young man and it's your potential partners that are the problem? Prolly not from where they're standin'. Here's what I recommend for you. Take the six-mile walk to the nearest road. Then hitchhike to somewhere where you'll meet some women that ain't kin. But before you do that, pay a visit to your local doctor about that whole viral thing.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Send it to askunclesal[at]gmail[dot]com.

Ask Uncle Sal: Why do women talk so much and say so little?

Hey, Uncle Sal. How come every time I ask somebody how they're doing, they tell me what day it is? Perplexed in Paducah

PiP, this tells me yer in the terrible predicament of working in an office. But hey, didn't you say you was from Paducah? I didn't know there was any offices in Paducah.


But nonetheless, here's what I think about yer question. I remember this silly behavior from when I worked in an office. All these cubicle dwellers seem to think their mood is tied to the day of the week. Namely, the closer they are to Friday, the better their mood. You know and I know that this ain't the truth no matter how many times we hear some dope say, "I'm doin' pretty good...for a Thursday." Other cubicle farmers though, this is all they have to cling to. That's why you'll see cubicles decorated with stupid posters like this one. For them Friday at quittin' time is as good as things get. Now, that don't make their answers valid, but that's why you hear this nonsense.

My advice to you is to eject from life on the cubicle farm. Me, I ain't worked in an office in I can't tell ya how long. All work does is take away from your free time. So I say, tell your boss what he can do with your job duties and lead a life of leisure like me.

Uncle Sal why is it that women talk so much yet say so little? Exhausted Ears

EE, this here's a dangerous question, but I ain't never avoided a tough question and I ain't gonna start now. But let's be fair, lotsa folks talk a bunch without sayin' much of anything: politicians, middle managers, fantasy football nerds. But EE, I know where yer comin' from. Dave Barry explains this sort of thing in his Complete Guide to Guys.

Now, I don't exactly remember what Dave Barry said, but it went sump'n like this example here. Let's say your woman goes to lunch with her girlfriend (we'll call her Maggie). She comes home and you say, "How was lunch?"

Your woman responds, "It was really good. We went to Pierre's. It's this little cafe...you know the Old Navy on Oak? The one where I bought that cute yellow sundress and the matching sandals? It's just a little past that. I had the chicken Caesar salad. I don't know what they put on the croutons in that salad, but they were amazing! My diet soda tasted a little weird. Like it was too sweet. Maggie ordered the southwestern salad. She let me try a little bit of it. It was good, but a little too spicy for me. Oh, and you'd love the rolls they bring to the table. They're dark and sweet."

Now at this point, EE, you've forgotten your question and you've mentally checked out, thinking about who's gonna win the big playoff game this weekend. But your woman isn't done by a longshot. When she's done, she's told you (not that you'll remember) what Maggie was wearing, right down to the color of the polish on Maggie's fingernails and toenails. And she will have given you enough information that you could write a biography about Maggie if ya wanted to.

Let's take a look at what happens if you go have a couple beers with your buddy (we'll call him Smitty).

Your woman asks you, "How is Smitty?"

You respond, "He's good."

At this point, you'll notice your woman has an expectant look on her face, like she's waiting for more details. But you've already said everything there is to say. That's how we guys work. Heck, we can have a whole conversation just by nodding at some guy. But your woman will ask, "Is he still wearing that cast on his foot from when he broke his toe playing basketball at the YMCA? Is his sister still dating that jerk lawyer? Is he still working at that cell phone place?" You of course will have none of that information because you just had beers with Smitty. Ya didn't interview him. But these are vital details to your woman.

Why are these details vital? On that count, I got no idea. But that's why women as you put it talk a lot without saying anything. They just ain't learned to economize like guys have.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Send it to askunclesal[at]gmail[dot]com.

Ask Uncle Sal: Yeats infection?

Hey Sal dude. Will teh stuf fthat womennn use foor yeats infecsion also work4 men? Poetty Mouth, parts unkown

Thanks for writing, Poetty. That's some really good typin' ya got there. I'm gonna guess that you're either under the influence of at least one substance that may or may not be legal or you're a 6-year-old that got spun around about seven times before you were placed in front of the keyboard.
Tell me, Poetty. What exactly is a Yeats infection? Some tremendous urge to read and write poetry? And what exactly do women use when they get a Yeats infection? Do they go and find some dude with a goatee and a black turtleneck who smokes French cigarettes? Me, I don't have much use for poetry 'less it comes from Duffy Lamace. So I guess I don't need to worry too much about a Yeats infection. Thanks for writing, and might I suggest a remedial typing class for you.

Hey, Uncle Sal, was the best jug band to come out of Lima, Montana, Lynchpin Simmons and the Fishtails or Dualie Ferguson and the Mudflaps? Jug Lover, Orange County, CA


Hey, Jug Lover. I guess you and I have sump'n in common. I love me some jugs too. Lynchpin Simmons could really do a number on them spoons and the cigar-box guitar. Dualie Ferguson is flat out one of the best gutbucket bass players I ever seen. And his song "Baby, Why Don't You Blow on My Jug" was a great one. But for my money, the best jug band outta Lima was Grease Spot McGee and the Oil Slicks.