Uncle Sal and the Table Tennis Tourney (Episode 73)

Giacomo entered Uncle Sal's house and said, "Love the Buckeyes jersey, Uncle Sal. Who's number thirty-four?"

"It's Maurice Wells, king of the one-yard run."

"So, what's so important that you needed me to come over?"

"Well, I got this big ping-pong tournament comin' up, and I need to practice."

They went downstairs to the basement and Uncle Sal picked up his Yosemite Sam paddle and served the ball to Giacomo for a little warm-up before they began playing.

"So, are you playing singles or doubles in this tournament?"

"Doubles."

"Who's your partner?"

"Well, that's just it. I've asked two different guys to be my partner and they've both said they'll do it. There's Del Wifflespoon. The guy can put spin on the ball like you wouldn't believe. I ain't kiddin'. He can land the ball on the center line and spin it off the edge of the table. Then there's Ty Sotter. He's all defense. He can return anything hit to him. The kinda guy you hate playing against."

"But why did you ask both of them? I mean, it's not like you can substitute in ping-pong."

"I know that. First, I asked both of 'em because either one of 'em would be a great partner. But they're both unreliable. Del, he likes to drink. Knowin' him, he might get lit up day before the tourament. So it's anybody's guess as to whether he'll want to get up. Ty, he just forgets things. Don't matter if he writes 'em down or not. Just forgets. Way I see it, at least one of 'em will show up to help me win this tournament. To me, it don't matter one way or another. I'll be there come Del or Ty Sotter."

This episode featured:
Earl E. Byrd as Giacomo
Hank Ershif as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Yosemite Sam paddle.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He stole my gorilla suit!"

Uncle Sal and the Inebriated Interloper (Episode 72)

Uncle Sal sat across from Giacomo at the Root Hog or Diner reading the newspaper. Giacomo looked at his uncle. "Isn't it a little cold to be wearing just a basketball jersey?"

"Don't tell me yer gettin' soft on me. It ain't that cold. Besides, how are ya gonna cover up an Atlanta Hawks Jon Koncak jersey with a jacket? Hey, ya know what I saw on the way over here? A Vole. Prolly the last one on the road."

"What's a Vole?"

"It's a car made by Itchibelli Motors. Mostly a failed experiment, kind of like the Edsel. I'm surprised there was still one on the road. Those things didn't run worth a hoot. Anyway, I had a friend, Eustace Pistachio, had a Vole, a brown one. The engine started smoking as he drove it home from the lot. He had nothing but trouble with that car, but he always thought he could fix it. Well, one day, he's getting ready for work..."

The waitress arrived with their food and Uncle Sal immediately doused his potatoes with hot sauce. "One day, he's getting ready for work, and he sees the passenger door of his car open. But that ain't even the weirdest part. Passed out in the passenger seat is a woman, naked as the day she was born. Her clothes are lyin' on the curb. He don't want to touch 'em, but figgers it's the only way he's gonna know who this woman is that's sittin' in his car. He picked up her short shorts and found her driver's license. Woman's name was Megan Crumpleton."

Giacomo rubbed his tired eyes, took a sip of his coffee and said, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I missed something."

"What's to miss? All I was sayin' was that Eustace found a bare Meg in a brown Vole."

This episode featured:
Ted Oosterhaus as Uncle Sal
Vinnie Victorino as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the hot sauce.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I used to have that problem. Now I just think about baseball."

Uncle Sal and the Muddled Manuscript (Episode 71)

Uncle Sal entered John's place for the weekly pinochle game and went immediately to the fridge. He moved aside a turnip and took a cold Spud's beer for himself. As he moved toward the table, Joe said, "I didn't know you were a St. Louis Cardinals fan. And who's number eleven?"

"Who's number eleven? It's Jose Oquendo. First guy to play all nine positions in a single season."

Where ya been, Sal? You been real hard to get a hold of these last few weeks."

Uncle Sal popped a pistachio into his mouth and said, "I been workin' on a novel."

"You've been working on a novel?"

"It ain't so hard to believe, is it?"

"So what's it about?" Joe asked as he dealt the cards.

"Well, it's about Sasquatch. In my book, he's a private dick. I guess you could say it's a fairly typical private dick novel. There's a beautiful but dangerous broad, and alla that stuff. Just imagine if Philip Marlowe were really hairy. Only thing is, I kinda got bogged down by it. I mean, I started out with Sasquatch, a beautiful dame, a crime. But before I knew it, I had a whole mess of characters I didn't know what to do with. Professional wrestlers, shifty doctors, even a ballplayer. So, to be honest, I was kinda stuck. I had no idea what to do."

Sal sipped from his bottle of Spud's. "Then I started throwing a whole buncha stuff away. Just gettin' rid all kinda things in the story. Long story short, now I'm working on a new novel where Sasquatch is a professional wrestler."

"Sasquatch as a wrestler? Well, I wouldn't want to take him on, that's for sure. How's the new story coming along?"

"So far, so good. I just think I needed to move on from that quagmire I was working on before. Just goes to show you a botched plot never spoils."

This episode featured:
Fred Fizzlewick as Uncle Sal
Norberto "Nobby" Doerr as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the turnip.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice."

Uncle Sal and the Perplexed Pubkeeper (Episode 70)

Uncle Sal stopped the Dodge Dart in front of Giacomo's place. Giacomo came down the stairs and climbed into the passenger seat. "Hey Uncle Sal. Is that a Steve Grogan jersey you're wearing?"

"You bet it is. Only quarterback not named Brady to lead the Patriots to the Super Bowl. Tell me again about this place we're going to."

"The Shire? It's a traditional English pub. They have all the English ales and cuisine like bangers and mash and Yorkshire pudding. You'll love it."

"Sounds good. You know, I tried going there last week, but it was closed. I looked at the hours and it was supposed to be open. No one was there though. Doesn't seem like very good business practice to me."

"Yeah, I heard about that. I know what happened too. My friend Stinky Seger, who runs the place, told me about it." Giacomo looked down, removed an oak leaf from the bottom of his shoe, and threw it out the window. "Stinky usually opens the place. That day, he had to take his mom to the salon. So, he calls this guy Myron van Raaphorst, one of the bartenders, and leaves a message for him to go and open the place up for the regulars. At least he thought he did. He actually left the message with Myron Vandeventer, the accountant. Of course Vandeventer doesn't have a key to open the place and Stinky is surprised when he shows up to find the doors still closed."

"Sounds like Stinky has too many Myrons in The Shire."

This episode featured:
Kent Reed as Uncle Sal
Josephus Tucci as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the oak leaf.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Who own da team?

Uncle Sal and the Cursed Caroler (Episode 69)

Uncle Sal entered the mall and said, "I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

Alice said, "Well, I need to get something for my brother for Christmas and you're about the same size. We should get something for you while we're here...to replace that LA Kings jersey you're wearing. Who's Nicholls anyway?"

Uncle Sal stopped cold. "Bernie Nicholls, the greatest Kings player ever. Anyway, I can't believe I'm here. And there's the Christmas music. I hate Christmas music."

"How can you hate Christmas music. It's lovely. I enjoy this time of year because it's Christmas music everywhere."

"That's the trouble," Uncle Sal muttered.

She looked at him, waiting for him to repeat what he had said, only louder. He wasn't about to give her the satisfaction. "You remind me of this woman Trisha Rutiglione. She loves everything about Christmas: the gifts, the music, the wreaths." Uncle Sal unwrapped a root beer candy and popped it into his mouth. "Every year she goes out caroling with this group of people. They dress up and go through neighborhoods singing carols. Well, one time last year, they went to this house. They ring the doorbell and of course the folks come to the door and the group begins to sing. That group didn't even get through one verse of the carol when the guy that answered the door started to curse and boo."

"He booed Christmas carolers?"

"Well, that's the trouble, ain't it. Folks start playing Christmas music around Thanksgiving. Then by the time Christmas comes, a lot of reasonable folks is sick of the whole thing." He caught Alice's evil eye and continued. "I ain't saying I condone that kinda behavior. I dislike Christmas music as much as the next guy, but I'd never do sump'n rude like hooting Trish in a carol."

This episode featured:
Elmer Vittenheimer as Uncle Sal
Iris diPesto as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the root beer candy.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It's not rocket science, it's brain surgery."

Uncle Sal and the Soused Southpaw (Episode 68)

Uncle Sal sat on the park bench next to Alice and opened the newspaper. He saw a story about the Wombats and began to read it aloud.

"Wouldja lookit that? The Wombats just signed Tank Loeb." Alice didn't look up from her romance novel. "Left-handed pitcher." Alice's interest still wasn't piqued. "You might think they call him Tank because he's a big, solid guy. Guy's no bigger than I am. If anything, he's probably skinnier."

Alice set her romance novel down on her lap and said, "Then why in the world do they call him Tank?"

"Guy is always drunk. You wouldn't know it to look at him. He holds his alcohol pretty good, especially for a guy his size. It all started one day when Tank shows up to the park and he's still drunk from the night before. Guy's gotta pitch against the division leader and he's still drunk. The manager, he didn't have any other pitcher to put out there, so he told Tank that he better sober up real quick. That wasn't the way Tank operated. He took a little hair of the dog, then he warmed up for the game."

Uncle Sal adjusted his Prussian blue cowboy hat and shooed a fly before continuing his story. "Wouldn'tcha know it? Tank was drunk as a monkey and pitching the best game of his life. Pitched a no-hitter that day. He figgers from then on, he better pitch while he was drunk. This is genius. He figgered out a way to put a little flask into one of the fingers of his glove. Then when he brought his glove up to his face, he'd take a little sip. He's been way better ever since."

"You mean..."

"Yep, the guy became a better player when he learned to keep a beer at the mound."

This episode featured:
Harry Hrudey as Uncle Sal
Ginger Frogg as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the romance novel.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It beats doin' stuff."

Buckeyes 42, Wolverines 7

It was a slow start, but once the Buckeyes got rolling, that game was real fun to watch.

The Good
Offense
It took the offense a while to get going, but they made it worth the wait. Beanie's TD was awesome, and it came at a time when it looked like we were headed for a 3-0 game. The blocking on that play was real nice. It made me wonder where the offensive line had been up to that point. The touchdown drive at the beginning of the second half was flipping awesome. Two yards of more than 40 yards and a touchdown in less than a minute of play. I was kind of hoping Beanie would take that play all the way to the house, but Dan Herron's 49-yard TD run was pretty sweet. Brian Hartline had a real nice game for someone who has been invisible for a good part of the year. Speaking of invisible, it was good to see Ray Small reappear in this game with the long kick return. I am a big fan of Dane Sanzenbacher. I think he was the most consistent receiver all season.

Defense
When the defense allows only 7 points, it has done its part. Sheridan completed only one-third of his passes, and the Wolverines only went for 2.7 yards per carry. Dexter Larimore and Cameron Heyward each had a sack, and the defense forced a fumble. Overall, the defense allowed fewer than 200 yards. Any time that happens, the defense has had a solid performance. The defense was especially strong after TP's interception. To give UM the ball that close to the end zone, and to force them to come away with 0 points...that was awesome.

The Bad
Offense
It sure would be nice if the Buckeyes offense didn't begin every game sluggishly. The offensive line was doing TP no favors in the early part of the game. I was more than a little disgusted to see TP get sacked 3 times in the first quarter. When Mo Wells got in the game, he showed why he is the king of the run of 2 yards or fewer.

Defense
In the 2nd quarter, the defense seemed to take a little vacation. The defense seems to have at least one drive every game where it just vanishes. That certainly was the case on UM's one touchdown drive.

The Broadcast
I realize Bob Griese gets paid to talk, and sometimes he has to fill air time. However, he was the king of "If..." in this game. At the end of the first half, he said it would be a different game without the Buckeyes 2 big plays. Yeah, Bob. It would have been a different game if you took away the Buckeyes 2 first half touchdowns.

The Ugly
TP's interception was really bad. Maybe we've just gotten used to him looking like he's more experienced than a freshman. He really reminded us on that play that he is only a freshman.
I didn't like seeing Malcolm Jenkins get so wound up at the beginning of the game. Yes, it is the Michigan game, but you can't show the other team you can be baited like that.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
There are some good candidates for the award in this game, including Pryor. I know what you're thinking. How can the QB be the UtR player of the game? In this case, Pryor gets consideration because he made the tackle after his interception. Instead of getting 7 points, UM got nothing. You could pick Laurinaitis or Coleman, and that would be a good selection. However...the UtR player of the game is Jim Cordle. On Beanie's TD run, Cordle took out 2 guys with one block, and that was the play that got the Buckeyes going.

I was sincerely hoping that the Buckeyes would put 50 on the maize and blue, but I'll take a 35-point victory over those bums anytime.

Uncle Sal and the Hotrod Hearse (Episode 67)

Giacomo steered his army green Plymouth Valiant into the parking lot of the garage where Uncle Sal was getting the Dodge Dart serviced. he saw his mechanic Manny working on a hearse with red and orange flames painted on the front quarter panels. Just as Manny removed the radiator cap, Uncle Sal said, "Boy, lookit that ride. That's really sump'n else, Manny. Reminds me of a guy I used to know, Frank Filk."

Manny set the radiator cap down and wiped his hands so he could go and ring up Uncle Sal.

Uncle Sal followed him to the register and said, "This guy, Frank Filk, he bought a hearse from some funeral home for peanuts when the funeral home went to a newer model. Well, he didn't just want a hearse. He wanted to soup the thing up and give it a cool paint job, kinda like the one yer workin' on."

Manny told Uncle Sal the total of the service done on his car and Uncle Sal continued as he removed the money from his wallet. "Filk got the idea that he didn't just want any ol' engine in there. He wanted to put a tractor engine in his new car. So he goes to this guy Hal Dow. Hal had an ol' John Deere that he didn't use any more. But the engine still worked. Well, Filk bought that engine and he took it home. You wouldn't believe the sort of modifications he had to make to get that Deere engine into his hearse. He did it though. Sure as I'm standin' here. He was all fired up and he got inside that hearse. And you know what happened when he turned the key?"

The mechanic answered with a shrug.

"Nothin'. That's what happened. Just goes to show you, ya can't make a Filk hearse out of a Dow's Deere."

This episode featured:
Gord Nipawin as Giacomo
Garrick Smeaton as Uncle Sal
Guy Ravendal as Manny
and
Jellybean Merengue as the radiator cap.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The machine stole my quarter!"

Buckeyes 30, Fighting Illini 20

It may not have been the prettiest game we've ever seen, but it still goes in the W column, and that's what matters.

The Good
Offense
Beanie Wells and Terrelle Pryor both ran for more than 100 yards. Anytime you can have that in a game, you're doing something right. There were a couple plays that really stood out. It was pretty spectacular when Beanie hurdled that defender. I'm sure we'll see that highlight a lot. Brian Hartline's run on the end around was real nice. But by far, the offensive play of the game was when TP was running with the ball and pushed Brian Robiskie out of the way. That was truly awesome.
Defense
Hmmm...well, ummm...The defense did have 2 takeaways and two sacks. Ross Homan's sack was especially awesome simply because he went in there, wrapped up Juice and took him down. What was so awesome about that? Frankly, it was nice to see that a Buckeye could make a tackle. Also, the blocked punt for a safety was good to see. I'd like to see the Buckeyes go after more punts like that.

The Bad
Offense
You'd think I would put the passing game here. Wait a minute, the Buckeyes have a passing game? By the way, Michigan defenders, if I were you, I wouldn't expect the Buckeyes to run left on the first two offensive plays of the game next week.
Defense
Holy moly! The tackling in this game was terrible. The defensive line was manhandled, and it seemed like the Illini picked up 12 yards per play. OK, so it wasn't that bad. They only went for 6 yards per carry and 12 yards per completion. The Buckeyes defense gave up 455 yards to a team that has to win its last game to become bowl-eligible. Yikes!

The Ugly
See The Bad - Defense.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
This one is pretty easy, although a lot of players were definitely under the radar (yes, defensive line, I'm looking at you.) Aaron Gant gets the UtR player of the game because he blocked the punt that got the Buckeyes rolling. It's a good thing they were able to build up a 16-point lead that they could sit on.

Allow me to finish with a brief open letter to Coach Tressel.
Dear Coach Tressel,
Please, for the love of criminy, hang 50 on Michigan! And please don't grimace if the Buckeyes score late in the game to pad the margin of victory. In fact, if the Buckeyes score a late touchdown, do what Woody would have done and go for 2 points.
Sincerely,
Gone with the Schwind

Uncle Sal and the Vulgar Valet (Episode 66)

Uncle Sal parked the Dodge Dart in the lot of Murray's Meat Market. He put on his viridian cowboy hat and said to Giacomo, "I tell ya, this place is the best. Only place in town that sells venison. We're gonna eat good tonight."

They entered the market and Uncle Sal selected a cart. He needed to push it only a couple feet before he realized that one wheel was broken. "Dang carts always got a busted wheel." He put back the broken one and took another cart. "I ain't had venison in so long. I can almost taste it already. Last time I had venison I got it from this guy Louie Baracas. He was one of them personal assistants, I guess you could call him a valet, of some rich guy. He musta made good money doin' it. I can't imagine why else somebody would be a personal assistant."

A woman was handing out samples of andouille and Uncle Sal took one as he went by. "This guy Louie, he cussed more than anyone I ever met. Not only that, he would say whatever rude thing came to his mind. Like he had no ability to stop himself. Well, I run into him here and he gets the last package of venison. I was next in line too. So I tries talkin' to him, seeing if he can be persuaded to sell me the package of venison he just bought. Well, he starts cussin' a blue streak at me. Doesn't even care that there's women and kids around. I tell him I'm having some folks over and would really like that package of venison he got. Told him exactly what I was gonna serve it with too."

Uncle Sal put some braunschweiger in his cart and continued. "So, I'm doing everythin' I can think of to get that last package of venison. He ain't sellin' because he don't wanna upset his boss. Finally, I says to him, 'Your boss smoke cigars?' He tells me yeah. I say, 'I'll give ya twice what ya paid for it, and a Marie Antoinette cigar cutter for yer boss.' He thought about it a long time." Uncle Sal looked at the meat case for the andouille sausage he had been given at the front of the store.

Giacomo stood waiting for the end of the story. "So, what happened with Louie?"

"Well, let's just say I was able to talk the deer off a crass flunkie."

This episode featured:
Dewey Duke as Uncle Sal
Buford Church as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the broken shopping cart wheel.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Where are all the phaser guns?"

Buckeyes 45, Wildcats 10

Well, the Buckeyes took care of business, and in the process found themselves right back in the thick of things for the Big Ten championship.

The Good
Offense
This seemed to be one of those games where the offense was able to put up points in spite of itself. Beanie bounced off of some defenders afor some nice long runs. Dan Herron and Terrelle Pryor looked good running the ball as well. This is the first game I can remember where the receivers really showed up. Brian Hartline had the 2 long receptions. Brian Robiskie had the 2 touchdown receptions, plus another catch that converted a long 3rd down. Even Rory Nicol had 2 receptions. Think about this. TP completed only 9 passes, but he completed those to 5 different receivers. I thought the fake punt was genius, and AJ Trapasso showed some shifty running ability. when it looked like he could have had the 1st down running right, he bounced it back to the inside, then left for a nice gain of 9.
Here is something to chew on: the Buckeyes were 8/13 on 3rd down conversions. When was the last time the team had a percentage that good?

Defense
Here's all you need to know about the defensive performance: Nader Abdallah had 8 tackles and .5 tackle for loss. Overall, the defense was really solid after Northwestern's initial drive. I really enjoyed seeing Nathan Williams get a sack on consecutive plays. I think that kid is going to be a really good player. Also, kudos to Malcolm Jenkins and Cameron Heyward for forcing fumbles. I'd like to see more of that from the defense.

The Bad
Offense
The Buckeyes seem to have a hard time breaking away from this 1954 offense. Do you want to know why Beanie had no running room at the beginning of the game? It's because the NU defense was onto the pattern: run left on 1st down, run middle on 2nd down, pass on 3rd down. For crying out loud! Try mixing it up once in a while.
Defense
I didn't realize the Buckeyes were playing against Fran Tarkenton. looking at the stats, I can't believe Mike Kafka had 18 completions. For much of the game it seemed the NU offense was 10 offensive linemen and Kafka. And the Buckeyes still couldn't stop him.

The Ugly
Fortunately, there isn't much to put here. The Wildcats were assisted on their first drive by a couple dumb OSU penalties. Overall the Buckeyes had 6 penalties for 62 yards, so there is definitely room for improvement. the only other thing I can think to put here is the look of utter chagrin on Tressel's face when Herron scored the last TD. Look, if you don't want your guy to score when he has a wide open path to the end zone, then tell him to take a knee before he scores. Northwestern couldn't stop it, so there is no need to feel bad about putting a 35-point victory on a lesser opponent.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
There are a lot of good candidates for this, not the least of which is Abdallah. He showed up bigger than in any game I can remember. James Laurinaitis again had a good game. however, I have to give the UtR player of the game to Malcolm Jenkins for causing the first fumble of the game, when NU was still within easy striking distance. Keep forcing those turnovers.

Uncle Sal and the Triumphant Thrower (Episode 65)

Uncle Sal's elbow nudged his carnelian cowboy hat on the console as he shifted the Dodge Dart into gear. Alice fidgeted with the tuner of the radio, trying to find a song she liked. From the back seat, Giacomo said, "Uncle Sal, tell Valeria more about this guy we're going to see."

Uncle Sal looked in the rear view mirror and said, "Guy's name is Nate Grice. He was an Olympic champion in the javelin throw. Course, he's too old for the Olympics, but now he puts on these exhibitions like we're goin' to. He'll come out and throw the javelin just like he used to. Well, maybe not just like he used to. He is fifty years old now, but he throws the javelin. Can still throw it over two hunnerd feet."

After a sip from the can of Skipper's ginger ale he held between his legs, Uncle Sal said, "I tell ya, I think Nate could still medal in the Olympics if he wanted to. Anyway, after he throws the javelin a few times, then it gets interesting. He invites audience members onto the field to see if they can throw anything farther than he can. People come with baseballs, Frisbees, old toasters, anything they can think of. And they get a chance to compete against Nate. If they can throw sump'n farther than him, he'll refund their admission. Me, I tried it one time. I brought a carburetor from a fifty-three Mercury to one of these things. I thought I was pretty good too. But he threw that carburetor forty yards farther'n I did."

"Has he ever had to refund anyone's admission?" Valeria asked.

"Heck no, he hasn't. It's fun to watch folks try, but no one beats the hurl of Nate Grice."

This episode featured:
Judson Justice as Uncle Sal
Abbey Loney as Alice
Rex Wolfe as Giacomo
Lulu Sorenson as Valeria
and
Jellybean Merengue as the radio tuner.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm serving up monkey wrench soup. Who wants a bowl?"

Do you think the Buckeyes coaching staff watched Texas Tech?

I was watching the Texas-Texas Tech game and all I can say is that I hope the Buckeyes offensive coaching staff saw the game and took extensive notes. The Red Raiders are a great example of what can happen when you have some variety in your offensive game plan. What a concept, eh?

Uncle Sal and the Picked-over Pastries (Episode 64)

Uncle Sal removed his cordovan cowboy hat as he walked into McBride's, the specialty bakery where Alice had just gotten a job.

"Say Alice, whatcha got cookin'?"

Alice wiped her hands on her June Cleaver apron and said, "We've got nothing cooking at the moment. We close in fifteen minutes."

Sal moved toward the display case and said, "Looks like ya ain't got much of anything left."

"Well, no. We had a pretty good day."

"Maybe I'll buy one of them three things. What are these?"

She pointed at the one on her right and said, "This is a black currant danish. Those are really good. This here is a pain au rhubarbe. It's kind of like a small piece of rhubarb pie with a really nice crust. And this one is a beet fritter."

"A beet fritter? Someone actually makes a pastry with beets in it?"

"They're made with sugar beets, not red beets. And my boss spices them up with something. I'm not exactly sure what. I know there's some brown sugar, and maybe some nutmeg. But that's her specialty, so only she gets to make those."

"And you actually sell them things?"

"They are quite popular. You wouldn't believe it. People come from all over the county for her beet fritters, because she's the only one that makes them. So what can I get you?"

Sal wrinkled his nose as he peered at the three pastries remaining in the case. "Hmmm. Well, I ain't much on currants. Rhubarb ain't exactly high on my list either. And the way you talk about this other one makes it seem pretty intriguing. I guess I'll take the fritter with the beet."

This episode featured:
Dmitri Mahbuba as Uncle Sal
Velvet Mariella as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pain au rhubarbe.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Moon Pie! What a time to be alive!"

Nittany Lions 13, Buckeyes 6

The Good
Offense
Well, this is pretty easy. Dane Sanzenbacher. He was pretty much the bright spot on the offense. TP had decent stats, and Ray Small had two big catches late in the game. That is pretty much it.
Defense
The defensive line was pretty solid, especially Cameron Heyward and Thad Gibson. If you ask me, Gibson is the defensive MVP so far this year. He is pretty much the only one that has shown up every game.
Special Teams
AJ Trapasso had some very good punts, and Aaron Pettrey kicked the ball a couple times without giving PSU any chance to return it.

The Bad
Offense
Did the Buckeyes even have an offensive line in this game? I sure didn't notice it. Boy, Mo Wells had a good game. One reception for 3 yards, and one fumbled kick return. Also, has anyone seen Brian Hartline? Or Brian Robiskie, for that matter? OK, Robiskie had some good catches, but these guys just seem completely unable to get open this season.
Defense
Donald Washington had a less than spectacular game, with a couple pass interference penalties (even though they may not have been warranted). I'll just say it. Marcus Freeman looks lost. He seems out of position and has a hard time squaring himself up for a tackle.

The Ugly
Well, the offensive game plan falls her for sure. I think Penn State was onto the general game plan of: run left on 1st down, run middle on 2nd down, and pass on 3rd and long. Yes, I know the Buckeyes have a really good running back. And yes, I know that they want to keep the gameplan simple with a freshman QB. But for crying out loud. To try the same thing for nearly three quarters when it has had no success, that's just ridiculous.

The refs had far too much of a hand in this game. The pass interference call against Washington on PSU's touchdown drive was ludicrous. Was there contact? Sure. Was there any way the receiver was going to catch that ball? No way. And you mean to tell me the Nittany Lions didn't commit one penalty? Come on! That is the second time I have seen a game in which OSU's opponent wasn't called for a single penalty. Funny how that works out.

Of course TP's fumble falls into this category. It's particularly a shame because he had the best statistical game of his young career.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
Well, there were a lot of players under the radar in this game. I don't really have any choice but to award this to AJ Trapasso, who helped the field position battle in the first half.

Uncle Sal and the Sapphirine Suit (Episode 63)

Uncle Sal walked into Giacomo's place and removed his persimmon-colored cowboy hat. In the corner was a mannequin wearing an outfit of at least four different shades of blue. The suit was topped off with an unusual azure hat.

"Are you ready for the onion festival?" Before Giacomo could answer, Uncle Sal pointed to the mannequin and asked, "What inna world is that? Holy cuttlefish! That thing is hideous. What's with all the buttons on the jacket? And this plaid vest. Jeez! Who's gonna wear sump'n like that, except maybe a drunken Scottish valet? The hat is...it's like a giant blue muffin. Was the fabric store out of every color but blue?"

"Oh that. My friend Violet Frick is going to fashion school. She's been kind of depressed recently. She didn't start out wanting to use blue exclusively. She just kept buying blue because it fit her mood."

"She doesn't expect you to wear that thing, does she?"

Giacomo shrugged. "I guess I'll have to wear it once, when I model it for the class."

But why on earth is this thing in your place? I mean, that thing is so bright, I gotta think it keeps you from sleeping at night."

"It's not as bad as that. She keeps it here so she doesn't have to load and unload it from her car. And the thing with fashion school is that you have to come up with something that no one has ever seen before. You know, make something that's your original creation."

"There's a reason no one has seen anything like that before. Good golly Miss Molly! This thing is like a blue hurricane. It is original, but I feel bad that you have to wear this blue Frick's try of a mode."

This episode featured:
Donny Ray Humbartner as Uncle Sal
Johnny Lee Stimplefish as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the azure hat.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "What am I, on the pay-no-mind list?





"Well, I can guarantee no one has ever seen anything like that. It's...I wouldn't

Buckeyes 45, Spartans 7

Well, after two weeks away, it was nice to come back to that. The Buckeyes team we saw in that game against the Spartans was barely recognizable...thank goodness.

The Good
Offense
The offense was tremendous. I mean, the Buckeyes scored 21 points in the first quarter. Woooo! Beanie and Terrelle were both awesome running the ball. Frankly, there just aren't enough O's in smooth to describe TP. When he runs the ball, it looks effortless. I thought Beanie's best run was his second TD. It was a giant hole, but the way he exploded into and through it was great. I'd say his foot has healed. And of course, a good running game starts with solid offensive line play. more importantly, the wide receivers showed up. Granted, Pryor only completed 7 passes, but those passes were completed to 4 different receivers. And the receiver with the most completions was the fullback, Brandon Smith. You read that right. Hartline's one reception was awesome. He stayed with the ball all the way and fought off 2 defenders to catch it.

Defense
Wow! Now, that is what I have expected from the defense. The defensive line was able to get some pressure on the QB. That is the first time all year I have seen Robert Rose make a play. Laurinaitis, Freeman, and Jenkins finally showed themselves to be leaders on the field this season. Seeing Laurinaitis and Freeman meet at the QB was incredible. Ross Homan had a solid game. Jenkins, Kurt Coleman, and even Chimdi Chekwa were really good in the secondary. OK, so maybe the Spartans don't have much besides Javon Ringer, but when the defense can hold the opponent to 7 points AND score 2 TDs, it has done its job.

The Bad
Aside from the defense giving up an easy TD at the beginning of the second half, I can't think of anything else that belongs here. Normally, you can count on seeing penalties here, but 5 penalties for 45 yards is not horrible.

The Ugly
Hard to believe, but I have nothing to put here either...except maybe for Bob Griese's golf sweater.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
By now, you know my philosophy on this. If I have been particularly hard on a player or a group of players, I am willing to make that up here. I have been tough on the defensive line this year because it has seemed nonexistent. That being said, the guys showed up in this game. In fact, the entire defense did. This week the UtR players of the game are the Ohio State defensive players, with a special mention to Ross Homan, who caused the fumble in the first quarter that got the Buckeyes rolling.

Buckeyes 16, Boilermakers 3

It sounds like I didn't miss much by not catching this game. Here is the write-up from guest blogger Nelson Slagle.
Best defensive performance and worst offensive game of season. Offense tallied 3 field goals. Jenkins blocked punt led to 7 points as
Etienne Sabino returned blocked punt 20 yards for a TD.
Pryor was 10-14 for 97 yards and ran for 27 yards on 14 carries including many sacks and scrambles. Pryor ran for 293 yards on 47 carries in first 5 games and 47 yards on 29 carries last 2 games.
Wells ran for 94 yards on 22 carries today.
Best OSU offensive stats: no turnovers and 10 yards in penalties.
OSU has been out gained 1799 yards to 1741 yards in last 6 games even though they outscored 6 opponents 127-86.
In last 21 offensive series OSU has scored one TD.
Buckeyes tallied 222 yards against the nations 108th ranked defense
that was giving up 435 yds per game.

Uncle Sal and the Prospective Proprietor (Episode 62)

Uncle Sal set his pint of Spud's on the table and sat down across from Gavin Bjarnason, who had some tall blue drink in front of him. Uncle Sal set his asparagus-colored porkpie hat next to his pint. "Hey Gav. How ya been?"

"Never better. I just got engaged and I have an idea for a restaurant that I think is really good."

"That's a tough racket," Uncle Sal said. Lots of restaurants go under in the first year or two."

Gavin rotated his pinkie ring around his finger and waved his hand. "Yeah, I know all that. I have a great idea, though. It's unique. Plus, I'm not going to kick this off until I have everything in place. A lot of restaurants fail because the owner wants to do to much. I'm taking a Clint Eastwood approach. I know my limitations."

Gavin took a sip of his blue drink and Uncle Sal leaned forward. "So, you gonna tell me your great idea?"

After dabbing his mouth with his napkin, Gavin said, "It's a Mediterranean restaurant. We're going to serve things like fegato d'oca con fichi."

"The heck is that? Sounds like something caught in your throat."

"It's a dish with goose liver and figs. No restaurant in the area makes it."

"Nobody makes it because ain't nobody can pronounce it to order it."

Gavin laughed and said, "It's really good. Rich, but delicious. Here's the kicker, though. We're not going to use any plates. I mean, you have to set yourself apart, right? We're going to set ourselves apart by making dishes no one else makes and by not using plates." He sipped his drink again.

"No plates? The heck are you gonna serve food on? Pieces of plywood?"

"No, we're going to use big palm leaves."

Uncle Sal rubbed his chin, then took a sip of his pint. "Hmmm. Well, that certainly is setting you apart: serving a fig dish in a tall frond."

This episode featured:
Omar Ostergaard as Uncle Sal
Jesper Karklins as Gavin Bjarnason
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pinkie ring.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If you don't know where you're going, you might end up somewhere else."

Buckeyes 20, Badgers 17

I asked for it, and you delivered. I was unable to watch the game myself, but I have two loyal readers very ably delivering their thoughts on the win over the Badgers.

From Nelson Slagle:
OSU opened with 6 play 71 yard drive and closed with 5 minute 80 yard drive for winning TD. Pryor was 4-5 for 70 yards and ran for 45 yards in 9 carries on those 2 drives. In rest of 52 minutes between those drives OSU had 2 filed goals on two 10 play drives with 54 yard run be Beanie Wells being most of offense. The other 6 times OSU had ball they ran 20 plays and Pryor lost 25 yards rushing mostly on 4 sacks!! OSU defensive line was pushed around by Wisc. Defensive line got beaten and put little pressure on QB. On Wisc final TD for a 17-13 lead in the 4th Qtr they ran 9 of 10 times during 63 yard drive.When dust settled, stats were almost identical. OSU rushed for 183 yards (168 in 22 carries by Beanie Wells) to 179 for Wisc and passed for 144 vs 147 for Wisconsin. Both completed 13 passes, each had 2 turnovers.Wisc 2nd longest home winning streak currently in Division 1 college football ended at 16. Also broke Wisc 11 night game win streak.

From Tom Bruszak:
The Good
Offense
Terrelle Pryor is the man. The kid looked like VY on that last drive. He made mistakes in the game, holding onto the ball to long or running when he should have tossed it, but those split second decisions will come with more playing time. Beanie was amazing. The first score of the game was awesome as he basically stiff armed the safety and carried him into the endzone with him from the five yard line in.
Defense
Ross Homan had his best game of the year, no, his entire OSU career thus far. Jenkins once again remains the best player on the defensive side of the ball. I will be the first to admit that coming into this year, I felt strongly that he was over rated. I am eating my words this year. Thad Gibson is a beast. Forced a fumble and really applied much needed pressure. If the DT’s played as hard as Gibson and Wilson, we would be set.

The Bad
Wisconsin’s scoring drive in the fourth quarter that put them up by four. All they did was run it up the gut, going I right 10 base every play. Watching our defense unable to stop it was painful. I've heard that Ohio State returned two highly touted senior linebackers this year. But, ever since Youngstown State, Ive not seen them? Willing to buy an APB for #1 and good ol' #33 as I think they have been abducted.

The Ugly
Brian Hartline, Brian Robiskie and hell, any wideout not named Sanzenbacher. Hartline dropped three balls that were put right at his chest, including one that saw Brian do his best Ryan Hamby imitation in the end zone. Hartline and Robiskie have been HUGE disappointments this year and that continued Saturday. At this point, Tress really should consider given Posey and Sanzenbacher more playing time. It was nice to see Saine FINALLY line up at WR, though he needs to learn to run a route better as evidenced by the pick Pryor threw on the deep ball to him. Saine really didn’t adjust to the ball at all and let the DB get position on him. I have also come to the conclusion that Ray Small is the next Albert Dukes. I don’t think Small is the speed burner people think he is and it’s safe to say that his junior year is shaping up to be like the first two: bad, bad, bad. Maybe that big hit he took in his freshman year against, I think, Minessota still haunts him. He looked good up until that point, but ever since, he runs timid routes, looks scared at times and is missing that third and fourth gear.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
Jim Cordle and Mike Brewster. Ever since Steve “Mr. False Start” Rehring went down, it’s been nothing but roses for the O-Line. Alex Boone continues to suck as he sends out his resume for his future career as a bouncer at a strip club in Zanesville , but Cordle and especially Brewster have played very, very well. It’s truly nice to see an Ohio State offensive lineman actually trying to throw a block

My final URPOG is not an actual player, but he is now my official hero. For three quarters of Saturday’s game, the OSU faithful at Dave and Busters had to endure seven drunk and highly obnoxious young men from USC. In between their pathetic attempts to pick up any young woman wearing scarlet and gray, they chanted “OSU Sucks” and “35-3.” It was at the end of the third quarter that a solution to the problem presented itself.

As it turns out, when an off-duty cop takes out the clip from his gun and starts putting the bullets on the bar and then pulls out his ID card and shows it around that even morons get the hint. Time elapsed from the time the first round was placed on the bar until the time those seven kids ran for the door: 30 seconds.

Uncle Sal and the Barbecue Baron (Episode 61)

Uncle Sal opened his door to find Alice standing there with her hands on her hips.

"Oh, Sal! Don't tell me you forgot!"

Uncle Sal looked down at his yellowed tank top and said, "Forgot what?"

"You completely forgot that we're having dinner with Roscoe and Etta Mae Hunsaker. I can't believe it! No, I can believe it! I knew I should have called earlier today. Well, it's a good thing I'm here now. We need to get you dressed immediately." She walked past him into the house, and marched right to his closet.

"Hunsaker? You mean the guy owns the Rib Hut across town?"

"Of course that's who I mean. How many Roscoe Hunsakers are there?" Uncle Sal grimaced. "Don't give me that look like you've just sucked a lemon. What's wrong with the Hunsakers?"

"Well, that place. I dunno. The ribs are all gristly. The barbecue sauce is too sweet. And that place is an eyesore. He's got all kinda license plates on the wall. He's even got that pig's head. You know the one where the pig got sunglasses on his snout."

Alice removed a bright blue aloha shirt and a pair of black pants from the closet and lay them on the bed. "Sal, that's ridiculous. You're saying you don't want to have dinner with them because of the restaurant he owns? That's just the restaurant. It's nothing to do with him. Roscoe is one of the nicest men around. And generous too. Don't forget he's the one that donated most of the money for the youth center. Not to mention he always chips in for new uniforms for the high school football team. He's a very good man. and his wife is a sweetheart."

Uncle Sal put on his aquamarine porkpie hat and buttoned his shirt. "I guess ya gotta point. He seems like a decent sort, but I don't like the hut of his rib."

This episode featured:
Rena Crump as Alice
Cletus Beard as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the aloha shirt

Uncle Sal and the Dubious Drama (Episode 60)

At a booth in the Liberty Bull Steakhouse, Uncle Sal opened the entertainment section of the newspaper and said, "What do you know about that?"

Giacomo lowered his menu and said, "What?"

Uncle Sal moved aside the Betsy Ross syrup bottle and showed the headline that the community theater was going to put on a production of Our Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse.

"Who's PG Wodehouse?"

Uncle Sal snatched the paper back from Giacomo and said, "Whatsa matter with ya? Ain'tcha ever read anything? PG Wodehouse wrote all these books with a butler named Jeeves. Now, Jeeves's employer was always getting into these situations. Inevitably, he'd ask Jeeves for advice and Jeeves would come up with some crackpot scheme that only made the situation worse. They're funny stories."

He read on in the article and said, "Will you look at that? They got this guy Tab Graff to play Jeeves. That's hard to believe. Guy used to live up the street from me. I never met a bigger sourpuss than this guy. Ain't got a funny bone in his body and they got him as the lead in this play."

The waitress came to the table to take Giacomo's and Uncle Sal's orders. Uncle Sal put down the paper and said, "I'll have the liver and onions, extra onions." Then he picked up the paper again and shook his head at the article about the upcoming play. "I can't believe it. I just can't imagine this unfunny guy in a Wodehouse play. Well, in any case it should be interesting to see what happens when the director Graffs up his Jeeves."

This episode featured:
Otis Dobler as Uncle Sal
LJ Whiffenmyer as Giacomo
Cornelia Couch as the waitress
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Betsy Ross syrup bottle.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I AM the king."

Buckeyes 34, Golden Gophers 21

Now that looked like a team that showed up to play...for the most part.

The Good
Offense
When your starting quarterback only throws 13 passes, you must be doing something right. Terrelle Pryor showed why he was the top recruit in the country, running for 97 yards on just 8 carries. Beanie needed only 14 carries to get 105 yards. Dan Herron chipped in for another 51 yards. It was nice to see Brian Robiskie again. Someone must have gotten him the message that he needed to make himself noticeable if he plans on getting drafted. (Or maybe he saw my question of the week.) The offense also had some bona fide highlights. Beanie hurdling that defender was pretty sweet. I absolutely loved when Pryor got to the sideline and lowered his shoulder to knock a defender to the ground before he went out of bounds. Robiskie's second TD grab was pretty impressive.

Defense
Speaking of players showing up again...it was nice to see Laurinaitis have a big game. The defense was actually able to get some pressure on Weber, and come up with some tackles for a loss. We haven't seen enough of that from the defense yet. I don't care who the opponent is, if you allow only 80 rushing yards, you've done pretty well. Malcolm Jenkins had a pretty solid game, as did Ross Homan and Curtis Terry. Nathan Williams didn't show up with a lot of big numbers in the stats, but I liked what I saw from him.

The Bad
I've found this year that it's easier to group all of the bad together instead of dividing it between the offense and defense. This wasn't a horrible thing, but I wouldn't have minded a little more variety on first down. The Buckeyes threw (to the tight end!) on the first play of the game. After that, on nearly every first down for at least the rest of the first half, the Buckeyes ran the ball right behind the center. There were a few times when the defense could have done a much better job of containing the runner or receiver. In the first half, the Buckeyes once again settled for field goals. Granted, they got away with it, but it would be nice to see them put an opponent away more definitively.

The Ugly
Penalties. Frankly, that's all I need to say about that. Sure, some of the penalties were questionable, but 10 penalties for 90 yards is unacceptable. As far as I'm concerned, only one other thing goes here: Beanie's fumble. It was a good play by the defender, no question about it, particularly since Beanie was more or less tied up. Still, that's the kind of thing that can swing momentum.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
In a game like this, it's not easy to pick an Under the Radar player of the game, simply because there was no play that turned the tide. But, in this case, it is relatively easy. When the offense can rack up nearly 300 yards rushing, that means the offensive line did its job. I've been critical of the offensive line so far this year, so I feel I should recognize the guys up front for a job well done in this game.

I will not be able to catch the next two games, so I would like to enlist your help. For the Wisconsin and Purdue games, perhaps you could e-mail your comments about the game to me, and I can compile and post them here. If you want, send me your thoughts and let me know who you think is the UtR player of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Dating Dilemma (Episode 59)

Uncle Sal hung his marigold porkpie hat on the rack by the door and joined his friends for his weekly pinochle game. He reached into the bowl of peanut butter pretzels on the table and waited as John shuffled the new deck of Mannix playing cards.

As John shuffled, Sal said, "I gotta call from Giacomo right before I left the house. He tells me he's got a problem. He's dating two different girls. I tell him we should all have such a problem. Turns out he does have kind of a dilemma on his hands."

John dealt the cards and Uncle Sal looked at his hand. "So this one girl, Angie Behr, she and her family are going out for the first day of duck season, and they invited Giacomo along. Great, right? Who don't love duck huntin'? Then this other girl Louella Pound, Giacomo tells me she's got a body like a gymnast. Anyway, the same day she invites him to come and play in her family's annual flag football game."

Uncle Sal popped a couple pretzels in his mouth and washed them down with a sip of Spud's Beer. "He's goin' on and on about what is he gonna do. Like he's the poorest guy in the world because two women want him to hang out with their families on the same day. I gotta tell ya, after a while, I stopped listening. I mean, some guys have enough time handling one girl at a time. I gotta give him points for havin' two on the hook."

John looked over his cards and said, "So, what's he gonna do about his unfortunate situation?"

"I dunno what he's gonna do. I reckon I'd try to do both if I could. If he's lucky, he'll gun with the Behrs and punt with the Pounds."

This episode featured
Tommy Barks as Uncle Sal
Major Cherry as John
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bowl of peanut butter pretzels.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line."

Buckeyes 28, Trojans 10

Well, that was...adequate. Who would have ever thought we would be forced to describe a win over Troy as adequate?

The Good
Offense
While Terrelle Pryor didn't exactly put up video game numbers, he did throw 4 TD passes in only 16 attempts. OK, so it was against Troy, but throwing a TD every 4 pass attempts is pretty decent. Add to that his 62 yards rushing, and it makes you wonder how different that game against USC might have been if Pryor had spent more time on the field. Herron had a very good game. Although again I have to say that I'm not sure why the coaching staff went away from him in the 2nd quarter. Since Beanie went down, he has clearly set himself apart from the other running backs. That being the case, why not put the guy to good use? Feed the hot hand. Pryor also completed passes to 6 different receivers, including 2 to the fullback and 1 to the tight end. Yes, really.

Defense
Credit to Jermale Hines and Lawrence Wilson, who I would say have been the most consistent defensive players thus far. Hines seemed like he was everywhere at the beginning of the game and Lawrence Wilson seems like the only member of the defensive line that has made himself noticeable this year. Kurt Coleman also had a good game with a lot of tackles and 2 interceptions. It was real nice to see the defense come up with 2 sacks, if only to remind us that the defensive line still exists.

The Bad
The Buckeyes were actually outgained by Troy. Granted, not by much, but they did allow 315 yards to the Trojans. That's a mildly disturbing statistic.

Someone has to teach AJ Trapasso how to use the sideline. He did pin the Trojans deep on two occasions, but he could have added two more to that total if only he would learn to use the sideline instead of counting on some fortuitous roll.

I wasn't thrilled about the Buckeyes play calls on some 3rd down plays. Specifically, the option keeper for Pryor (in which Herron was so close that one guy could cover both QB and RB) and the end around to Hartline. If you are going to try something like that, maybe don't wait until it's 3rd down and 8.

I also can't say I agree with the play calling on the last drive of the 1st half. The Buckeyes got the ball with a little less than 2 minutes to play, but didn't take a shot at the end zone until only 1 second remained in the half.

The Ugly
Yes, I know it was an 18-point victory, but there was still some ugly stuff in the game. The tackling was atrocious at times. In particular, on Troy's one touchdown, the tackling was pathetic. Freeman could have wrapped the receiver up for a minimal gain, but he missed. Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one. forty-five yards (and about 4 missed tackles) later, the guy was in the end zone to make it 14-10.

Penalties were another ugly part of the game. Looking at the stats, it's hard to believe that the Buckeyes only had 6 penalties. Troy did decline some penalties on plays where they made a first down, otherwise that stat would have been worse for the Buckeyes.

What on earth was Robiskie doing on that one long pass where he attempted to catch the ball with only one hand? If he had actually put some effort into that, he would have had a long TD. I wish I knew exactly what happened, but it looked to me like he was Cadillacking it.

Question of the Day
Didn't you used to be Brian Robiskie?

Under the Radar Player of the Game
It was nice to see the Buckeyes actually show some fire after one mediocre game, and one outright stinky game. This has to go to Jermale Hines, because at the beginning of the game when everyone else was moving like molasses, he was making plays. It was nice to see that someone wanted to play.

Uncle Sal and the Chewbacca Cycle (Episode 58)

Uncle Sal and Alice arrived at the Shooting Gallery where Giacomo's new girlfriend Tricia developed and displayed her photos. They stepped inside and Uncle Sal removed his cadmium yellow porkpie hat.

Giacomo said, "Thanks for coming down here. Trish just went out to get something to eat, but I'll show you around." He led them around the studio pointing out different photographs. This is one she just took of me last weekend. The photo showed Giacomo alone on the beach, looking out at the ocean. It looked like it could have been an album cover for some band.

"And this is the dark room. This is where she develops all her photos."

"Whattinna heck is that?" Uncle Sal pointed to the brown bicycle in the corner. "Some kinda Sasquatch bike?"

"Oh that! Isn't that awesome? That's her Chewbacca bike. Trish designed and built that herself. She's kind of a Jackie-of-all-trades. So, as you can see, she's painted his face on the front. She's also got his face on the seat. Check out the detail of the painting."

Uncle Sal bent down to inspect the paint job. The bike had been painted to look like the brown fur of the Star Wars creature. "Boy, that's a heckuva job. Big Star Wars fan, is she?"

"One of the biggest. Oh yeah!" Giacomo stood up. "I love this detail." He pointed to the handlebars. Each end of the handlebars was capped with a small chrome Chewbacca head. "Next up are the pedals." Giacomo moved toward Trish's desk and removed a small paper bag. "Check this out." From the bag, he removed a chrome pedal in the shape of a hairy foot.

Uncle Sal took the pedal in his hand and looked at it. "Look at that. She do this herself?"

"She sure did."

Uncle Sal closed one eye and studied the pedal closely. "Well, I'll be. That's a fine pedal of Trish."

This episode featured:
Royal Leffingham as Uncle Sal
Beatrice Filppula as Alice
Bryant Humptulips as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the foot-shaped pedal.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There's a beverage here!"

Trojans 35, Buckeyes 3

I hate doing these when Ohio State does what it did tonight. Nonetheless, I will move onward and provide my insights. In fact, as I write this, I don't know if the game is officially over. But I didn't need to see the end of that stinker to write about it.

The Good
This is real simple. The Buckeyes first field goal drive, and the TD drive that was nullified due to some "penalty" were good. Chimdi Chekwa's interception was good.

Everything (and yes, I mean everything) else goes into the bad or the ugly. Take your pick. The offensive line stunk. The defensive line stunk. The officiating was horrible at best. Anderson Russell got posterized on 2 different TD plays. What it boils down to is this. (And I know that most sports media guys aren't willing to put this label on college kids.) This Ohio State team has NO heart. There are a lot of seniors on this team, but no leaders. You want to know the secret to beating this Buckeyes team? Just get a lead on them and they will go all armadillo on you. Really. It's that simple. I imagine this was the first of at least three losses for the Buckeyes this year. I think they will also get shellacked by Wisconsin and Penn State. Great job, Buckeyes. Way to make yourselves the least watchable team in the FBS.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
You might think I'd have a hard time finiding a UtR player of this game. You'd be wrong. Nothing was more under the radar than the Buckeyes desire to actually play football. So the Buckeyes total lack of heart is the UtR player of the game. Well done.

Uncle Sal and the Forgotten Food (Episode 57)

Giacomo opened the door to Uncle Sal's place and said, "Oh, hi, Alice. Uncle Sal, I got your tickets for the dwarf rodeo." He put the tickets on the kitchen counter next to Uncle Sal's cerulean porkpie hat, then sniffed the air. "What is that you're cooking?"

"Scrapple."

"What on earth is scrapple?"

"It's pork mush. You know how they call hot dogs 'everything but the oink'? It's kind of like that. You cut off a slice, fry it up, then put some ketchup on it. Maybe serve it with some eggs. Friend of mine name of Jeb Harrell is from Pennsylvania. Swears by the the stuff. Well, last time he went back there, I asked him to bring some back for me. he did, but then I stuck it in the freezer and kinda fergot about it. Every time he sees me, he asks if I cooked up the scrapple yet. I just seen him at the store, and of course he asked me again did I cook the scrapple. I told him no. He gets all upset. Tells me 'You've had that for how long now? You're the one asked me to bring it to you. I ain't never gonna bring you scrapple again.' So I told him I'd come home and fry it immediately. Sounded pretty good to me, anyway. I invited Alice over so she could try some. You want a slice or two?"

Giacomo answered, "Sure, I'll have some."

Uncle Sal served up the scrapple and eggs. Giacomo put some ketchup on it, took a bite and said, "Mmmm. It's better than I expected. I'm glad he convinced you to cook it."

"Yeah, it tastes good, and it'll get Jeb off my back. I can't believe how he got all bent outta shape about it. I guess the forgotten scrapple roils the Harrell."

This episode featured:
Wendell Wimpleton as Giacomo
Frieda Flanagan as Alice
Kip Crum as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the ketchup.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I ain't your friend, palooka."

Buckeyes 26, Bobcats 14

OK, big sigh of relief. And the fact that we need a big sigh of relief after a game against OU is a little horrifying.

The Good
Believe it or not, there are some things to put here. Lawrence Wilson had a good game. His tip and interception (not to mention the return) were outstanding. Jermale Hines had a great hit that put the starting QB out of the game. Of course, that meant the backup came in and was able to do what he did, but the hit against the starter was sweet. Ray Small's punt return was awesome. He looked a lot like Ted Ginn on that play with his breakaway speed. Dan Herron ran pretty well when he got the chance. Now, any Buckeye fan knows that the team is good for at least one of these stinker games every season. Let's hope they got it out of their system. Also, think about this. The Buckeyes were somnambulant for three quarters of the game and still won by 12. That pretty much concludes the good.

The Bad
Offense
How about the fact that the Buckeyes were losing by 8 in the 3rd quarter to the OU Bobcats? That in itself would be bad enough. Unfortunately, that wasn't all. The offense was sluggish at best. Receivers dropped balls that went right through their hands. The running backs did a tremendous job of running right into the pile created by the utter lack of blocking by the offensive line. Brian Robiskie thus far has done his best impression of the Invisible Man. By the 3rd quarter, the offense looked like it hadn't worn down the OU defense at all.

Defense
On some plays, it looked like we didn't have any linebackers in the game. The defensive line was hardly noticeable. I don't remember hearing Larimore's name until the 3rd quarter. Someone might want to check if Robert Rose was actually in the game. I sure didn't notice him. Overall, they made a backup QB look like Vince Young...or at least Juice Williams.

The Ugly
Third down was pathetic on both sides of the ball. The Bobcats were able to convert 9 of 17, while the Buckeyes were only able to convert 5 of 15. That is not going to work against USC. I will NEVER understand why, on 3rd down, you throw a pass that doesn't even reach the first down marker. Why do this? If it's 3rd and 5, don't throw a 2-yard pass. Throw a 5-yard pass. Revolutionary, I know. The Buckeyes won the turnover battle 4 to 1, but weren't able to convert those turnovers into any significant points. Pretorius's two missed kicks were about as ugly as I have ever seen. At least he was a team player and joined the funk with everyone else. Finally, the worst part of this game was that not one of the seniors tried to rally the troops. You would think that if the team is losing by 8 points to OU in the 3rd quarter, one of those guys might step up, raise his voice and say, "I don't know about you guys, but I am NOT going to lose to Ohio U!" The team showed no heart and looked like it was well on its way to losing to a MAC team.

Dumb comment of the day.
This belongs to Ray Bentley. After a particularly lousy throw to Hartline on the sideline sailed out of bounds by at least 4 yards, Bentley talked about how lucky Boeckman was because if the DB had intercepted it, he would have taken it for 6. Yeah, Ray. Maybe the DB would have intercepted it...if he were 9 feet tall.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
As mentioned, Lawrence Wilson had a really good game. He looked like he was on his way to capturing the UtR player of the game. That is, until Shaun Lane recovered that fumbled punt. That is the sort of play that makes someone the UtR player of the game.

Get ready for a long week of all the experts throwing dirt on the Buckeyes. That will be particularly unsavory for those of us living in soCal. And let's hope they got all of that lethargy and funk out of their system. if the Buckeyes play like that against the Trojans, they'll be done by halftime.

Uncle Sal and the Swimmer's Statue (Episode 56)

Giacomo pulled his lime green Dodge Swinger into the parking lot of Salmon P. Chase High School and parked it in the fire lane in front of the stairs. Uncle Sal waited for Giacomo to open the door for Lavonna, so he could climb out of the back seat. Uncle Sal put on his nutmeg-colored porkpie hat and said, "Why on earth did you want to bring us here before we go to the Indian casino?"

Giacomo slid his Wolfman key chain into the pocket of his pants and pointed to the sign at the foot of the stairs in front of the school.

Uncle Sal read the sign that announced this as the future location of a sculpture of two-time Olympic swimming silver medalist Floyd "The Hound" Doblerman by fellow Chase High School alumnus Jenny Jankovic.

"Isn't that awesome? Jenny was in my class, we were pretty good friends. I mean, we've sort of lost touch, but I still hear from her now and again. And now she's going to do a sculpture of an Olympic hero."

Uncle Sal pointed at the sketch of the sculpture. "The heck is that?"

"Oh, that's Jenny's medium. She works mostly with discarded old cans and foil. You know, one woman's trash is another woman's treasure."

Uncle Sal nodded. "What the heck izzat on the guy's back? Is that a fin? You sure he's a swimmer and not some kinda circus freak?"

Giacomo nodded. "Yeah, it's a fin. I mean, he doesn't really have a fin. It's metaphorical. Pretty clever, eh?

"Yeah, I get it. It's tin for the Jenny and fin for The Hound."

This episode featured:
Alastair Flemister as Giacomo
Betty House as Lavonna
Grant Wiszevski as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Wolfman keychain

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "When I asked about it, you just hit me with your shoe."

Buckeyes 43, Penguins 0

Isn't it great to have college football back? I think I enjoy the return of college football a little more every year.

The Good
We certainly got to see a lot of players on the field in this game, which I thought was great. This is a talented squad and it was good to see that this season and future seasons are in very capable hands. Plus, with so many players seeing playing time, future opponents have a lot to prepare for.
Offense
Boeckman, as expected, was very accurate. I wouldn't say he set the world on fire, but he did what we have come to expect from him. Beanie delivered the goods too. The guy is just an incredible back. Brian Hartline once again showed that if it's close, he can catch it. His first catch of the game was brilliant. Boeckman put the ball right where it needed to be and Hartline tracked it down. Speaking of brilliant...Terrelle Pryor is going to be very tough to defend. Ryan Pretorius looked like the return of the Nuge. It looks like the Buckeyes will have a reliable kicking game, which is always a positive. Mo Wells had some good runs when he got his hand on the ball. When your #4 running back can go for 6 yards a carry, you are doing something right. Also a promising sign was the fact that the offense didn't take many penalties.
Defense
What can you say about the defense? it allowed only 73 yards on 39 plays. Marcus Freeman had a very good game as did Jermale Hines. The running game for the Penguins was nonexistent, not that the passing game was much better. I really liked the performance by the defense.

The Bad
OK, so it's really hard to find a lot of bad things in this performance. The offense settled for far too many field goals, but the team still won by 43 points. Honestly, I don't have anything else to put here.

The Ugly
I think we all know what has to go here. Seeing Beanie go down in the third quarter, and then seeing him carted off the field must have caused all of us to hold our breath. What makes it worse is that it was such a weird play. It was hard to see when the injury might have occurred. The good news is that the Buckeyes won't need him next week, but I certainly hope this injury won't keep him out of the USC game.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
In a game like this one, it's always difficult to pick a UtR player of the game, but you know, dear reader, that I will not let you down. Lots of players got on the field and lots of players showed us some good stuff. Grant Schwartz had a couple special teams tackles. Dane Sanzenbacher had some good blocks. But I have to say the UtR player of the game is Marcus Freeman. He seemed like he was everywhere. It's hard to believe he only finished with 6 tackles.

Let's hope Beanie's foot is OK, and that the defense can keep this going.

Uncle Sal and the Dear Dinner (Episode 55)

The waiter came to the table with the bill right after Alice and Giacomo's new girlfriend Lavonna had gone to the restroom. Giacomo picked up the little folder with La Grenouille Bleue in gold letters on the front. He looked at the bill and his eyes widened.

"Holy crud! A hundred and seventy-five dollars just for me and Lavonna? Eight dollars for a beer? I wish I would have known that before I ordered three of them."

Uncle Sal took the folder from him and looked at his bill. He shrugged. "Good thing I won some money at the track today."

Giacomo shook his head as he removed his wallet. He didn't have enough cash to cover his half, so he took out one of his credit cards. "I can't believe it. I mean, that was a good beer, but it wasn't that good."

Uncle Sal said, "You worry too much. It ain't like we're gonna come to this place alla time. It's something you can afford to do once in a while. Besides, your total ain't nearly as bad as my friend Dean Huffleminz when he went to a place like this one time. He was celebratin' a promotion and he brought his wife and in-laws to this fancy-schmancy place, kinda like this one, only a little more highfalutin. Well, Dean tells everyone at the start of the meal, 'Don't worry about the price. I'm buyin' tonight.'" Uncle Sal sipped his water then dried the drop of water that had fallen on the ameythyst porkpie hat he held in his lap. (He didn't trust them to check his hat after the recent coat-check scandal.)

"Well, let me tell ya sump'n. At the enda the night, he wished he hadn't told 'em not to worry about the price. They got the works, wine, lobster, baked Alaska. Ol' Dean gets the bill at the end of the meal. You know how much it was? Eight hunnerd dollars. I don't know if is promotion was that big."

"Eight hundred dollars? For dinner? That's absurd."

Uncle Sal handed the folder back to Giacomo and said, "You see? It could be worse. Sure, your bill may seem like a lot, but your hunnerd and seventy-five dollars don't amount to the bill of Dean's."

This episode featured:
Dirk Denkinger as Giacomo
Lucy Hare as Alice
Marijana Albuquerque as Lavonna
Taj Bullard as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the folder

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm wearing fur pajamas."

Uncle Sal and the Leering Lawyer (Episode 54)

Giacomo sat on the sofa waiting for Uncle Sal to finish getting dressed so they could go to the demolition derby. He picked up a little notebook next to Uncle Sal's ocher porkpie hat on the table. He leafed through a couple pages and called out, "What's this?"

Uncle Sal came into the living room and said, "Oh that. That's my notebook from when I was a detective."

"Looks like you were working on a case involving someone named Potter."

"Oh yeah. The Potter case. Seems there was this guy peeping into the women's dorms at ol' Cotton U. So, my partner and I brought in some people that kind of fit the description of the Peepin' Tom. One of the guys we brought in was Sylvester Potter. Real shifty sort of fella, beady eyes too close together and would never look ya inna eyes when he talked. If you were gonna sketch a peepin' Tom, he'd be a pretty good model."

Uncle Sal disappeared briefly and returned to the living room, putting his suspenders on. "Real problem came about when his mother came tot he station. A real virago, that one. She comes in, barking at me about bringing her son in as a suspect. Tole me he couldn't be no peepin' Tom because he's smart and a lawyer, and that this accusation would hurt his career. Like that's any of my concern. Ya meet some real crackpots when you work for the police, I'll tell ya."

"So, whatever happened with Sylvester Potter?"

"Well, he beat that rap, but a few years later, they hauled the guy in again for peepin'. Seems my diagnosis of him was right."

Giacomo flipped a few pages in the notebook and saw what Uncle Sal had written: Shrill Potter's son - CREEP.

This episode featured:
Bruno Babb as Uncle Sal
Blaine Bong as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the suspenders.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I wore a mustache and parted my hair, and gave the impression that I didn't care."

Uncle Sal and the Dentifrice Dearth (Episode 53)

Uncle Sal removed his pomegranate-colored porkpie hat as he entered Sonny's Supermarket with Alice to buy some lamb for dinner with Giacomo and his new girlfriend. He was barely inside the door when he was nearly bowled over by Milt Leary, who was mumbling aloud.

"Take it easy, there Milt. What seems to be the problem?"

"I'll tell ya what's the problem. I just came in here looking for toothpaste. I like that Sabre toothpaste. It's the only one I ever use. Well, I'm in the toothpaste aisle and I'm looking at all the kinds of toothpastes they have. I don't see any Sabre."

Alice picked up a gossip magazine to check out what was going on in the lives of various celebrities as Milt continued his story.

"I go and I ask the cashier what's the deal. Last time I was in here, they had Sabre, now they don't. Cashier tells me that they don't carry Sabre at this store anymore, but the store in Manchester still does. Now I gotta drive twenty miles to Manchester just to get my dang toothpaste."

With that Milt, stormed out of the store and headed for his car. Alice looked up from a story about a celebrity who had just given birth to a baby that looked just like Elvis, and said, "What's the big deal? Can't he just use another toothpaste? There are hundreds of them."

"Well, you'd like to think so, but it sounds to me like there's no Crest for the Leary."

This episode featured:
Jacques Strappe as Uncle Sal
Althea Lader as Alice
Emile Dupont as Milt
and
Jellybean Merengue as the gossip magazine

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "That sure is one bonehead name."

My interview with Finnish writer Kimmo Lamminen

In a little corner of Orange County, California, called Little Turku (it doesn't have enough of a Finnish presence to be known as Little Helsinki), I met up with the author of the Uncle Sal Chronicles. Gary stands six feet tall, but with his wild mane of curly hair he stands at least six feet three inches. He agreed to meet me at Markku's House of Stew and Grog for dinner and a couple of Harry Wallpapers.

So, you recently wrapped up the first year of the Uncle Sal Chronicles.

That's right.

I have to tell you that Uncle Sal is an icon in Finland, wildly popular.

That just tells me that Finnish people have impeccable taste.

I also have to tell you that your sense of humor is as unusual as your fashion sense.

Oh, you're only saying that because I'm wearing a monocle, bow tie and spats.

Indeed. With a rugby shirt and cargo shorts. Tell me, how did this idea of the Uncle Sal Chronicles come to you?

Well, Sven...

It's Kimmo.

Right. How did it come to me? Let me tell you. One day I was sitting in my lentil chair.

Lentil chair?

Yes, it's like a bean bag chair. The shell is made entirely of duct tape and it is filled with red lentils. Anywho, I was sitting in my lentil chair and I said to myself. I have a tendency to talk to myself, you know. I said to myself, "You know, Gary, instead of waiting for some publisher to realize how brilliant your writing is, you should just publish your own stuff." So that's what I did. You could say that the Uncle Sal Chronicles were born in my lentil chair.

Is it true that Uncle Sal is based on one of your uncles?

Why? What have you heard?

Heard? I...

I'm afraid I can neither confirm nor deny that.

When you started the Uncle Sal Chronicles, did you see it as something that could last this long?

That's a real good question, Ricky.

Kimmo.

Right. To be honest, I wasn't really sure I'd be doing the Uncle Sal Chronicles for a year. I basically just wanted to write something that would make me laugh. The fact that I entertain others, whether here in the States or in Finland, or anywhere, that's a tremendous compliment.

Do you think you can get another year out of the Uncle Sal Chronicles?

That's a real difficult question to answer. Who can say what will happen a year from now, or even a minute from now? I could win the lottery tomorrow...although probably not since I haven't bought a ticket. No, the thing is, as long as there's a pun that makes me laugh, I won't have any need to finish writing this. [laughs] Finnish. That's funny. I'll write until I'm Finnish. [Laughs hysterically. After about a minute, he regains his breath and sips his Harry Wallpaper.]

So, if I may be so bold.

Oooh! This is gonna be a good question.

Let's hope so. What would you say is your favorite episode?

My favorite episode. Hmmmmm. Well, it's not easy to pick one, because they're all brilliant. It's like, if you have a litter of genius kids and you have to say which one you like best. I'd have to say Uncle Sal's Close Call is right up there. Uncle Sal and the Relieved Roller is a very good one. Heck, they're all good. Can I say they're all my favorite? Great. that's what I'll do then.

Let me ask you, what sort of reaction do you want to provoke in readers?

Whoa! You mean like, if I'm sitting in someone's lap as she or he reads the Uncle Sal Chronicles, what sort of reaction do I want to see? I have to tell you I'm not like that. I don't just go and sit in the lap of a reader.

That's not what I meant at all. I just meant, when someone gets to the end of an episode, what sort of reaction do you want him or her to have?

Well, that's different. The response I'm really looking for is a graugh.

A graph? I'm afraid I don't understand.

One time, a loyal reader named JL told me that he got to the end of an episode and didn't know whether to groan or laugh. I'd say that's the perfect response to Uncle Sal. Or an arched eyebrow, a roll of the eyes. As long as the response isn't blind rage.

What can we expect in year two?

Well, I suppose what you can expect is more wacky adventures, more graughs, and more puns. Oh, and more stories about monkeys. Monkeys are always funny.

Finally, what is the deal with Jellybean Merengue?

Ah yes! I get that question a lot. People are always asking me what is the deal with Jellybean, so I know exactly how to deal with it. Jellybean Merengue is...are you ready for this? Get your pen ready. Jellybean Merengue is the only character to appear in every episode.

Ummmm right. Well, thank you for your time. It certainly has been a pleasure.

You bet it's been a pleasure...for you [grins].