Uncle Sal and the Surprising Streaker (Episode 175)

In the Liberty Bull Steakhouse, Uncle Sal sat across from David Raabe. He had stopped Raabe's discussion of real estate long enough to order a leather Jack and an order of jalapeno poppers. As he gave his order to the waiter, Raabe's phone vibrated. He removed it, pushed the screen a couple times, then chuckled.

Uncle Sal shook some habanero sauce into his drink and said, "What's so funny?" He was hoping it wasn't another "funny" real estate story, although Raabe seemed incapable of talking about anything else.

"Someone just sent me a video from the Punch Bowl game that happened earlier today."

As much as Uncle Sal loved football, he couldn't stand some of the bowl games that featured two teams he didn't care about.

"There's this guy named Thanh Ho. Everyone calls him Thor. It's funny because he's such a tiny guy. I've done some business with him. Sold him some office space in Wichita. The guy makes a living buying and selling real estate. He's a real wizard. You'd never believe how much money the guy has made doing this."

Uncle Sal drained his drink and signaled for another one. He was tempted to instruct the waiter to leave the bottle at the table. The jalapeno poppers arrived and when Uncle Sal bit into one, a glob of cheese fell onto his The Wildebeests t-shirt.

"Thor is a big fan of football and he goes to every bowl game he can manage. Well, he and a bunch of friends went to the Punch Bowl and I guess the friends coaxed him into doing something outrageous. According to the message, they all chipped in, and I have to tell you how hilarious that is, because this guy needs money like a walrus needs pomade. Anyway, they all chipped in. By the end of the whole thing, these guys had pledged four grand if Ho would streak across the field at this bowl game. That's what this video is: Thanh Ho streaking across a football field. Oh, there a cop just missed him. Look at that spin move. He's amazing. You should watch this."

Uncle Sal answered, "No I shouldn't. When Thor Ho's bare, Raabe, I don't stare."

This episode featured:
Lars Striek as Uncle Sal
"Naturist" Ned Grimley as David Raabe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the glob of cheese.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "What else you got, Crockett and Tubby?"

Uncle Sal and the Bestowed Beef (Episode 174)

In the Karate Chophouse, Uncle Sal slid into a booth across from Sister Mary Evelyn. He ordered a Chumbawamba from a passing waitress and said, "How ya been?"

Out of habit, she was holding her rosary. She slid it into her pocket as she began speaking. "Oh, I've been good. You know how much I love this time of year. We always go and bring toys to the children's hospital and the group homes for for kids. I'll tell you, nothing is better than seeing the smiles when we deliver gifts to children who really appreciate them."

Sal took a steak fry from the platter and put it in his mouth. As he chewed, he brushed the piece of green onion that had fallen onto his Against the Grain t-shirt.

"Oh, and speaking of gifts that are appreciated, you'll never believe what someone left with us today. Anonymously."

"A Tibetan boy who is supposed to be the chosen one?"

Sister Mary Evelyn furrowed her brow and narrowed her eyes. "What? No. Someone left us a big box of steaks. Ribeyes. Can you believe it? Didn't even leave a note or anything."

Uncle Sal could smell the steaks from the adjacent tables and thought about the ribeyes delivered to his sister's convent. "So, when can I pick up this box of steaks?"

"What? Sorry, Sal. You can't."

"But that'd be perfect for my winter solstice barbecue. I'll pay for 'em."

"No, Sal. They've already been designated. You see, last week was Father Mackenzie's 50th birthday. We had a party for him and the cake was provided by the brother of one of the sisters in the convent. You know how Father Mackenzie always looks like he has a five o'clock shadow? Well, the man who made the cake also decorated it. It was beautiful, like you see on one of those cooking shows. Anyway, he made this cake and on top, he made a frosting cartoon of Father's face on a Fred Flintstone's body. It really made all of us laugh. But he wouldn't take any payment for this amazing cake. Believe me, we tried. We're going to give the box of steaks to him as our thanks for Father's cake."

Sal frowned. "Dang! Ribeyes are my favorite. It woulda been great if I coulda scored an entire box for the solstice, but I guess I'll have to think of sump'n else since you want to steak your funny baker."

This episode featured:
Ernesto Tubbs as Uncle Sal
Gwen "Thumper" Lapin as Sister Mary Evelyn
Pat Agonia as the waitress
and
Jellybean Merengue as the piece of green onion.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, " If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?"

Uncle Sal and the Game of Glögg (Episode 173)

Uncle Sal opened his door for Giacomo and his new girlfriend Honey. Uncle Sal had to take a second look at her to make sure he wasn't seeing an illusion. Her proportions were enough to make Jessica Rabbit blush. She wore a top that was nearly as big as three postage stamps, and a pair of red pants that looked like they had been put on with a can of spray paint. "Heckuvan outfit for a hockey game that's gonna be played outdoors." Alice looked disapprovingly both at Honey and Sal.

Uncle Sal fixed some drinks and brought them to the living room. "So, Uncle Sal, are you going to any crazy holiday parties?"

Uncle Sal removed the shrimp tail that had fallen on his Greenland Whalefishers t-shirt and said, "Going to our holiday block party on Saturday. That's always a good time, especially with all the glögg."

Honey asked what was glogg and after explaining the spiced wine to her, Uncle Sal said, "It's gotten to be a big contest between Al Fitt and Fanishwar Biswas. Two years ago was the first time we had the block party. Fitt made a batch of glögg and it turned out to be the hit of the party. Mostly because none of us had ever tasted it before. Then last year, Biswas made up his mind that he wanted people talking about his glögg, so he made a bigger batch that lasted for a good part of the night."

Uncle Sal sipped his zombie and placed the glass on a copy of the Watchtower that someone had left on his doorstep. "Well, I talked to Biswas earlier this week. He knew he'd have to do sump'n special not only to outdo himself from last year, but also to outdo anything Fitt might try this year. Well, Biswas couldn't find a pot big enough for his glögg, so he went to some place that rents cauldrons for renaissance festivals. Got himself a cauldron for the stuff. Only what he don't know is that Fitt is gonna have the last laugh. He heard about the cauldron and found a place across the state line that rents even bigger ones."

Giacomo said, "You mean..."

"That's right. Fitt's beginning to book a pot like Biswas."

This episode featured:
Markus Muller as Uncle Sal
Lucius Vino as Giacomo
Cinnamon Roehl as Honey
Ginger Ruetz as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the shrimp tail.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Seriously, a monkey could do your job."

Uncle Sal and the Night of 'Nog (Episode 172)

Uncle Sal climbed onto the van that he and some of the other Grackles had rented for the annual holiday pub crawl.

"Boy, I gotta tell ya, Giacomo. I've been looking forward to this crawl for weeks now. Prolly my favorite thing about the holidays. I figgered we could get warmed up on the way, considering we gotta driver for the night." He reached into the pocket of his The Adolescents work shirt and removed a thermos. After a healthy sip, he passed the thermos to Giacomo.

"I know what you mean. I never want to miss this crawl."

From the back seat of the van, Mick McMichael asked, "Tell me again how this whole thing goes."

Uncle Sal put the cap on the thermos and said, "All the bars downtown make egg nog just for this event. Each one has its own different version. And they protect those recipes like you wouldn't believe. Ya stop in for a glass of egg nog at each pub, and danged if you ain't schnockered like you wouldn't believe."

Uncle Sal and Giacomo shared stories of previous years, talked football and other news. After about 15 minutes, Uncle Sal leaned toward the driver and said, "Say, pal. We gonna get moving sometime soon?"

"I would, but I've been told we're waiting for another person." He consulted his clipboard. "A guy by the name of Mick Schmedley."

Uncle Sal exhaled loudly and slumped back in his seat."

Giacomo asked, "Who's Mick Schmedley?"

"He's this guy who was a good ballplayer in high school. Once hit a home run in a high school playoff game. Any chance he gets, he lets people know about it. What kinda pitch it was, what part of the field he hit the ball to. It was clearly the best thing ever happened in his life. Never stops talking about it when he's sober. I can only imagine how much more he'll talk about it once he gets a little lit up." After another sip from his thermos, he said, "That's just great. We're all ready to go and do some serious drinkin', but we gotta wait for another Mick in the crawl.

This episode featured:
Tennessee Tippler as Uncle Sal
Stu Souse as Giacomo
Javier "Huevos" Rinteros as Mick McMichael
Ainsley Borbon as the driver
and
Jellybean Merengue as the thermos cap.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm bailing town. This place has gotten way too hairy."

Buckeyes 37, Wolverines of scUM 7

(Photo of the team by Marvin Fong of the Plain Dealer)
A 30-point victory against the Wolverines is always sweet. Just imagine what the Buckeyes could do if they ever showed up for the first quarter.
The Good
Offense
Boom Herron had an amazing second half. Especially on that 89-yard run that was really a 97-yard touchdown run (more on that later). And of course when the running back has success, he gets help from the offensive line and the fullback. Dane Sanzenbacher has a future in the NFL. He may not be the biggest or the fastest receiver around, but the dude has good hands. The one catch he had over the middle was amazing. Generally, if you get the ball near him, he'll catch it. I wouldn't say Terrelle Pryor had a spectacular day, but his completion percentage was good and let's face it, he had a good enough day to earn gold pants #3.
Defense
The defense was pretty much lights out after Orhian Johnson forced the fumble by Denard Robinson. Jermale Hines had a good game, breaking up 3 passes. John Simon and Nathan Williams are the kind of player that a coach must love. Both of those guys just find a way to make plays.
Special Teams
Jordan Hall's kickoff return touchdown was great. He got a couple key blocks by Jaamal Berry and Justin Boren at the beginning, then made some good moves to elude tacklers as he got closer to the end zone.
The Bad
Offense
The first two drives netted 15 yards against the #112 defense in the country. Someone tell me why on 3rd and 12, you throw a 4-yard pass to the fullback. Or why on 3rd and 7, you throw a 3-yard pass to the tight end. If you feel you must throw the ball short of the first down marker (and I sure can't figure out why that is necessary), why not throw it to someone who has a good chance of running for the first down after he catches the ball? The offensive line was not good at all in the first half. Luckily, they realized a game was going on.
Defense
Again in the first quarter, the defense could not get off the field. I believe the Wolverines converted four of the first five 3rd downs. But of course, the defense tightened up after a shaky first quarter.
The Ugly
Offense
Another red zone interception for Terrelle Pryor. How many is that this year? Could that be a part of the reason he announced he'll stay for his senior year?
Getting a second excessive celebration penalty was stupid. If the refs called it once, why would you give them any reason to call it again? But while we are on the topic of officials, allow me to say that this crew was terrible. An offensive lineman pulls off Cam Heyward's helmet and that's not a penalty. Cam Heyward gets shoved to the ground after the play is over and that's not a penalty. And I suppose Boom Herron's head made that jerking motion on its own. But then Dane Sanzenbacher gets called for holding as he tries to help Herron score on a 97-yard run. That was about the weakest holding call I've ever seen.
Schwinderjection
Someone get Rich Rodriguez a contract extension. I'll deliver it to him myself.
Under the Radar player of the game
This is an easy one. Jordan Hall's touchdown was the play that really got the Buckeyes going. And the blocks by Jaamal Berry and Justin Boren gave Hall the gap he needed to get moving. For that, they are the co-players of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Shirtless Siblings (Episode 171)

Uncle Sal looked up at the scoreboard of the Tobacco Bowl and shook his head. The Boneshakers were losing 20-3 to the Ocelots as the game approached halftime. After a sip of hot toddy from his Biketoberfest flask and turned to Doak Carr sitting on his left. "Boy, I tell ya, Doak. Boneshakers look terrible today. I don't unnerstand what happened to the offense. I ain't never seen 'em look this bad. They better get it turned around."

Doak said, "The problem ain't the offense."

"Whatta ya mean the problem ain't the offense? They only got 44 yards the entire first half, and they were lucky to get that field goal with it bouncing off the upright like that. And the defense ain't been much better. They're lucky the Ocelots only have 20 points so far."

Doak shook his head. "No, that ain't the problem at all." He took a bite of the red hot he had just bought from the vendor and said, "I'm telling ya, that ain't the problem. See them big goonie brothers about six rows down. One in the camouflage jacket and one in the striped turtleneck. That's Clem and Elmer Todd Vylde. They been season ticket holders since I don't know when. You probably seen 'em on TV. They figure any guy can go shirtless at a football game just to get on camera. But these two guys, they only go shirtless when the team needs a rally."

"But then why do they still have their shirts on? If ever the Boneshakers needed a rally, it's now."

"That's the thing. I talked to them before the game. They ain't goin' shirtless today. You wouldn't think 18 degrees is too cold for them to take off their shirts, but Elmer Todd told me he's just gettin' over a respiratory infection and doesn't want to take the chance of gettin' sick again. Of course if Elmer Todd is keepin' his shirt on, so is Clem."

"But we gotta get 'em to change their minds. Get 'em drunk, something. I don't want to watch the Boneshakers lose just because these guys don't want to risk a cold. Ya gotta find a way to bare the Vylde things, Carr."

This episode featured:
Rico "Tail" Backus as Uncle Sal
Delbert "The Nose" Tachel
Lloyd and Boyd Leinenbacher as the Vylde brothers
and
Jellybean Merengue as the camouflage jacket.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He is an unsurpassed nincompoop with the manners of a warthog."

Buckeyes 20, Hawkeyes 17

(Photo of this non-penalty by Marvin Fong of the Plain Dealer.)
The good news: I've never seen a team look that disinterested and still win a game. The bad news: ummmm...the team looked completely disinterested.
The Good
Offense
It's a good thing the offense remembered (after halftime) that a game was going on. Of course the play of the game was the run by Terrelle Pryor on 4th and 10 in the 4th quarter. Finally, the offense did what I have been calling for all year: getting the ball to Dane Sanzenbacher more frequently. And not surprisingly, he came up big on the game-winning touchdown drive. Did I see that right? Pryor had a touchdown pass to a tight end? Holy moly! Enjoy that one, Reid Fragel. No one knows when that might happen again.
Defense
The defense only gave up 17 points, but that didn't feel like a spectacular performance. Credit to John Simon for rising up when the defense needed a stop, and to Cameron Heyward for his sack of Ricky Stanzi. Aside from that, it seemed like a pretty pedestrian performance.
The Bad
Offense
Ummmm...how about the entire first half? Again, the offense looked like it had no interest in moving the ball or scoring points. I once heard someone say that 2nd down, not 3rd, is the most important. Yesterday was pretty good evidence of that. The Buckeyes did nothing on 2nd down the entire first half and ended up with a lot of 3rd and 6 (or more, in the many instances when there was a penalty). Oh, and someone might want to tell the receivers to hold onto a ball at all times (yes, even in the shower) this week, so they get used to the feeling. Feel free to actually catch the ball.
Defense
It seemed like the defense just could not get off the field. It's hard to believe that Iowa was only 5/12 on 3rd down conversions. It seemed like a much greater percentage. Again, the defense was picked apart by the opposing quarterback in the first half. If I remember right, Stanzi only had 2 incompletions the entire first half. I've never seen a group of defensive backs with less awareness of the field than this bunch yesterday. The secondary should not need a reminder that a game is happening. Chimdi Chekwa showed why he has received so much heat from me with two pass interference penalties.
Officials
Corey Brown goes up for the ball and not only gets a head shot, but also has his facemask grabbed, and that is not a penalty. The penalty called against Jermale Hines probably should not have been called. Of course, that could have been avoided if only he were paying attention. But the refs made up for that by keeping the flag in the pocket when he should have been flagged for pass interference.
The Ugly
Someone explain to me how Devier Posey dropped that ball in the end zone. I hope he bought a beer (or six) for TP, Sanzenbacher, and Boom Herron last night for bailing him out.
Schwinderjection
I'll say it for the record. I would not like to see this Buckeyes team line up against Boise State. As slowly as this team starts, the Broncos would have a 24-0 lead before the Buckeyes even knew what hit them.
Under the Radar player of the game
This one was really under the radar. For most of the game, the Buckeyes didn't really have an answer for the Hawkeyes offense. The Hawkeyes didn't dominate, but the defense spent a lot of time on the field. Finally in the 4th quarter, the defense rose up and forced a 3-and-out. Thanks in large part to John Simon, who did enough to rattle or rush Ricky Stanzi. After that 3-and-out, the Buckeyes scored the game-winning touchdown. Simon did exactly what a UtR player of the game is supposed to do.

Uncle Sal and the Pulverized Porter (Episode 170)

Giacomo and his new girlfriend Ramya piled into the Dodge Dart behind Uncle Sal and Alice. As Giacomo settled into his seat, Uncle Sal said, "Those are some sweet shoes, Giacomo. What are those? Bowling shoes?"

"Yeah."

Uncle Sal brushed some snowflakes off of his Bob Knows Best t-shirt and said, "Say, that reminds me. How is your bowling team shaping up this season."

Giacomo exhaled a long breath, then popped a piece of watermelon gum into his mouth. "Not so good. Grover has some cracked ribs and it's not going to be easy finding someone to replace him."

Uncle Sal winced, then took a sip of double espresso from his Stax Records travel mug. "Cracked ribs? How'd that happen?"

"Well, you know Grover works at the airport with a guy named Juan Guzman. Juan works out like you wouldn't believe. The guy has a chest like a keg and huge arms. I mean, if you needed a tree stump pulled out of your yard, you could probably call him to do it with no tools but his own hands. Anyway, there was this Hutu priest that came to town for some conference or other. He travels with all of his possessions in a trunk. It's a way for him to keep from accumulating things he doesn't need. So, Juan is up on the trailer with all the bags from the plane and he's throwing them down to Grover. Well, when he picked up that trunk, he didn't think anything of it. To him, it probably felt like a stack of paper. But he threw it off of the trailer. Grover saw it coming and tried to get out of the way, but couldn't do it. It caught him in the side and cracked three of his ribs."

Uncle Sal gritted his teeth and said, "Boy, I feel for the guy. And now your bowling team needs another solid member because Juan threw Grover the Hutu's chest."

This episode featured.
Rudy "The Foot" Locker as Giacomo
Sally Pinns as Ramya
Lucius Crates as Giacomo
Antoinette Chiffonier as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the watermelon gum.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Have you ever won a fruit lamp as a door prize at a rock show?"

Buckeyes 38, Nittany Lions 14

Photo of Boom Herron by Marvin Fong
The Good
Offense
This begins with the offensive line and Zach Boren. In the second half those guys did a great job giving Boom Herron room to run. You need look no further than the Buckeyes' first touchdown of the game to see the evidence of that. Oh and how about that touchdown drive: 96 yards in 11 plays. I wouldn't mind seeing more of those. On the topic of Boom, he did a pretty good job creating his own space to run on his longest runs. Just look at those runs. Both of them are all Boom. Dane Sanzenbacher had a very quiet game, but his one catch was a good one. He was definitely in the right place at the right time on that touchdown.
Defense
It's a good thing Devon Torrence had that interception return for a touchdown. Before that, he was not having a good game at all. Travis Howard's interception was great. Hopefully, the defense can come up with more plays like that against Iowa. Before halftime, it looked like the only guys on the defense that were interested in playing were Ross Homan and Brian Rolle.
Special Teams
OK, so maybe there wasn't really anything spectacular about special teams, but the kicks have been deeper and the coverage has been way better.
The Bad
I could make this real easy and say that everything from the first half belongs here. And that's true, but I will break it down a little more than that. The offense looked like it was using the road playbook. The offensive line was great at giving just enough blocking for a 2-yard gain. The defense looked like the same group that lined up against Wisconsin. At halftime, I thought for sure I would be writing a scathing indictment of the Buckeyes lack of heart. While this isn't a scathing indictment, I will say this. It would be nice to see someone get in the face of other guys when the offense is stagnant and the defense gets punched in the mouth.
The Ugly
It would be easy to put most of the first half here too. I mean, sorting that first half into bad or ugly is splitting hairs. However, there is one thing that belongs here for sure. Did you see Chimdi Chekwa on Penn State's second touchdown? He looked like he didn't even know a play was happening. I have never seen any defensive back concede the end zone as easily as Chekwa did on that play.
Oh, and the penalties were pretty ugly too. Eight penalties. The team will need to shore that up against Iowa.
Schwinderjection
Lousy Buckeyes! Another nationally televised game and these guys show up the same as they did in the stinking Wisconsin game! Unbelievable! Won't someone tell these guys that a game is 60 minutes long? Oh, they got that message? Never mind.
Under the Radar player of the game
It's been a while since I've had this opportunity, so I am going to take full advantage. Your UtR player of the game is Zach Boren. He had some good blocks, clearing the way for Boom to get more than 190 yards.

Uncle Sal and the Reprehensible Reporter (Episode 169)

Inside Tex's Mexican Cantina, Uncle Sal bit a jalapeno, put the stem on his plate and washed it down with a sip of Old Gringo beer. He brushed some margarita salt off of his The Bambi Molestors t-shirt and spoke to the sports editor of the Potboiler Anders Messerkram. "The heck is goin' on over at the Potboiler? How come ya went and got rid of Hunter Hartley? Nobody covered the Wombats like him."

After a sip of his tequila sunrise, Anders said, "We were forced to get rid of Mr. Hartley."

"But why? I mean, I never come across anyone that knew more about baseball or the Wombats than that guy."

"Unfortunately, Mr. Hartley said some, shall we say, regrettable things to me after his most recent piece. There was nothing to do but cut him loose and allow him to seek employment elsewhere."

"And then you go and bring in this guy Bryce Plevin. Forget that the guy is prolly a hunnerd years old. Have you actually read this guy's stuff? His sentences go on forever. It's like havin' William Faulkner on the sports page. Ya ever notice how many sentences he begins with, 'Back when I was a youngster?' And his favorite topic is how things used to be when he was young and dirt was still a new concept. He's always going on about how the players of today don't measure up to the players when he was young and how the game was so much better back before electricity was discovered."

"Sal, I'm sorry you feel that way, but if you had heard what Mr. Hartley said to me, you would know that I had no choice in the matter."

"OK, so maybe you had to fire the guy, but now we're stuck with the dreck of the old whiny Plevin."

This episode featured:
"Tortilla" Chip Jaramillo as Uncle Sal
Antonio "Sir" Veza as Anders Messerkram
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jalapeno stem.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I know what being a manager can do to a man."

Model (and Salcoholic) Tana Allure (photos by Alx Guzman)

I'd like to announce a little contest. Postcards are being printed with the image you see here. The next 10 people to order a book will receive a postcard autographed by the lovely and talented Tana Allure.

Another satisfied Salcoholic

Uncle Sal and the Beastly Boyfriend (Episode 168)

In the Karate Chophouse, when Alice and Giacomo's new girlfriend Desdemona got up to use the restroom, Uncle Sal asked, "Hey Giacomo. What happened to the girl you were with last week? You know, the chick with the brown sugar skin and the big..."

"Honey? She went back to her old boyfriend."

Uncle Sal brushed a dill sprig that had fallen off of his plate and onto his The Cavestompers! t-shirt. "That's too bad. I mean, you always pick winners, but she was so sweet too."

Giacomo sipped his Hennyville Slugger and said, "It's bad enough that she told me she's still in love with him With him."

"Who's her old boyfriend?"

"You know that cementhead Tank Duggan?"

Uncle Sal sopped up some cream sauce with a biscuit and said, "No. Should I?"

"He's in the Weevils."

"Then he can't be all bad. I mean that's a service organization does a lot of good. Always doing benefits for hospitals and things like that."

"You didn't let me finish. He's in the Weevils, but they are considering kicking him out. Seems they had a charity hockey game last week and Tank played it like it was the seventh game of the championship. He was going full-speed into guys, talking smack. All kinds of things like that. Forgot that it was a charity event. To top it all off, he ran the president of the organization face first into the boards. Broke the guy's nose and cheekbone. Of course he's not very popular with me. He's even less popular with guys in his own organization."

"Broken nose in a charity hockey game? Sounds to me like the love of Honey is the brute of all Weevils."

This episode featured:
Duncan "Toe" Blake as Uncle Sal
Freddy "Moose Jaw" Puchs as Giacomo
Genevieve "Fish" Nettes as Alice
Erica Wrinkes as Desdemona
and
Jellybean Merengue as the sprig of dill.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This place is dead anyway."

Buckeyes 52, Golden Gophers 10

Well loyal reader, I am back on track. I didn't post a recap last week because I was working on a deadline for a project and by the time I might have gotten around to my weekly recap, it was Monday.
The Good
Offense
I know it was Minnesota, but Boom Herron looked better than he has all year. He fought for extra yards and first downs instead of just ending up in a pile like he's done a lot this year. Terrelle Pryor for the most part looked pretty good. It's hard to argue with 18 completions on 22 attempts, plus 55 rushing yards. Even so, I can't say he had a perfect game. Devier Posey had a big game. It almost seemed like it could have been bigger because Minnesota couldn't cover him. I'm still lobbying for Sanzenbacher to get the ball more. That guy just knows how to catch the ball.
Defense
Again, it's hard to complain with the results. Adam Weber completed fewer than half of his passes. The defense not only racked up five sacks but also a touchdown. Brian Rolle is a beast. Chimdi Chekwa had a good game with an interception and a forced fumble. (I know. I can't believe I'm seeing that sentence either.) We sure did get to see a lot of defensive guys that we don't see very frequently.
Special Teams
Listing some good for the special teams? This is new too. Jordan Hall's punt return was great. I can't remember the last time we had a return even that close to a touchdown. Jon Newsome's punt block was amazing. I don't think I've ever seen a guy just block a punt as he was running by.
The Bad
Offense
It didn't take TP long to waste Jordan Hall's great punt return. There are the Buckeyes ready to add another touchdown and TP throws an interception. Isn't a junior supposed to know better than that?
Defense
Letting Minnesota score a touchdown on just four plays? Really? How do you ever let the Golden Gophers do that to you? Granted, the Gophers only got three points the rest of the game, but that was pretty shabby. Jermale Hines didn't have a great game. He had a crummy attempt at a tackle on Minnesota's touchdown. He had the facemask penalty after a play that would have forced Minnesota to punt.
Special Teams
Kick coverage still wasn't tremendous, but it wasn't great either. If Barclay is going to miss field goals, it's better that he do it in a game that the Buckeyes win by six touchdowns.
The Ugly
I can't really say there was anything ugly in this game. The closest to ugly was the defense on the first Minnesota drive.
Schwinderjection
I know an Oregon loss would help the Buckeyes, but rooting for USC? Come on, be reasonable.
Under the Radar player of the game
No one (probably since I started writing this as an e-mail to a select few) has taken more heat than Chimdi Chekwa. So, when the guy comes up big with an interception and a forced fumble, I have to recognize him. I believe that makes him the first two-time recipient this season.

Uncle Sal and the Statistical Savants (Episode 167)

Giacomo and climbed into Uncle Sal's Dodge Dart and closed the door. Uncle Sal brushed the cigar ash from his Hawaii Mud Bombers t-shirt and put his hand on the 8-ball gearshift and said "Hey Giacomo. I thought you were bringing a friend with you. That guy tried to pitch for the Wombats."

"Terry Prattle. He was supposed to come with us, but he's got something else going on."

"Something more interesting than watching folks try to carve a pumpkin underwater?"

He's one of the Seamheads."

"Seamheads? Them guys that sit at The Corny Toad hunched over their laptops and obsessing over baseball statistics?"

"Yeah, those are the guys. Every since Terry blew out his elbow trying to make the Wombats roster, he's gotten into that. You know, he figures since he can't play anymore, at least he can still follow the game."

Yeah, but what the heck they do that for? They compiling a dictionary of statistics or sump'n like that?"

"They do it for a couple reasons." Giacomo picked a brochure about the underwater pumpkin carving event off of the floor mat and looked it over. "One, they want to put together the best fantasy baseball team they can. They figure the best way to do that is to break it down statistically. The other reason they do it is that they actually send these oddball statistics to Garret Gemora and other play-by-play guys. With the championship series going on now, these guys would like nothing more than to have their statistics read on a national broadcast. I guess Terry doesn't do much of anything else when baseball season is going on. It's too bad, because he was really fun to be around before."

"And now he's just another dork in the Toad."

This episode featured:
Frankie Figures as Uncle Sal
Deron Digitz as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the floor mat.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency."

Uncle Sal and the Distinctive Deer (Episode 166)

Uncle Sal entered Giacomo's place, looked around and noticed how empty the place seemed. "Whoa, Giacomo! You movin'?"

Giacomo said, "No. You would have heard about it if I were moving."

"Why's your place look so empty? No car magazines, no coasters. What's up?"

As Uncle Sal walked to the bar, he flicked a pine needle off of his Les Sexareenos t-shirt. Giacomo answered, "Oh that. My girlfriend Padma is watching her nephew this weekend. She told me I better childproof the house for when she brings him over, so I put away everything that I care about, the magazines, the sports cards. I mean, as much as I like her, I don't want her nephew ruining all my cool stuff."

Uncle Sal dropped some maraschino cherries into glasses, then grabbed a bottle of bitters and added a dash to each glass before topping both glasses with a generous amount of bourbon. When he took the drink to Giacomo, he noticed something on the lowest shelf of the bookcase.

"What is that? A buck made out of silverware?"

Giacomo sipped his Manhattan and picked it up. As he studied it, Giacomo said, "Isn't this great? He used parts of a rolling pin for the body, spoons for the legs."

"Are those lacquered coffee beans for the eyes?"

"Yeah, and this is the best detail. See, he used fork tines for the antlers. I bartended a party he threw and he gave me this for my efforts. I like it. I mean, no one else has anything like it."

"I'll say so. That's a one of a kind piece for sure. But if it means anything to you at all, you better set your Kriek stag high."

This episode featured:
Robb Cervidae as Uncle Sal
Antoine "Chocolate" Moosse as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bottle of bitters.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth."

Badgers too much, Buckeyes not enough

Give the Buckeyes credit. This is a team that knows how to lose games that start after 3:30 Eastern time. In spectacular fashion, I might add.
The Good
Offense
Boom Herron had a good game, averaging almost five yards per carry. Aside from that, the only thing to put here is a simple plea: get the ball to Dane Sanzenbacher more. That catch he made in the 3rd quarter to bail Terrelle Pryor out of another incompletion was awesome.
Defense
Ummmm...give me a minute. It will come to me. Ummm...the defense...oh yeah! Andrew Sweat had an interception.
The Bad
Offense
Terrelle Pryor was awful. It's that simple. He completed 50% of his passes and generally just did not look like a Heisman candidate. Heck, he barely looked like a quarterback. Too bad you only get to play the Hoosiers once a year, eh TP? I do not understand the play calling on the field goal drive. First and goal from inside the 10, and you run QB draw, a direct snap to Herron and then another QB run? The Buckeyes looked like they had no interest in finishing that drive with a touchdown.
Defense
The defense got punched in the mouth immediately and never recovered. I have no idea what happened to the defense in this game. I realize the Wisconsin offensive line is immense, but let's not forget what Archie once said, "It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog. Safe to say that there was no fight in this dog in this game.
Special Teams
How on earth does a guy return a kickoff 97 yards without getting touched at least once?
The Ugly
I don't even need to divide this up. Aside from the two 3rd quarter touchdowns, just about everything offensively and defensively was ugly.
Schwinderjection
1. Ummm, maybe this is why the Buckeyes seem to get no respect from the BCS.
2. Dear TP, it's OK to look at a receiver other than Devier Posey.
Under the Radar player of the game
One thing is for sure, every Buckeye was under the radar in this game. Can you really name a player of the game for a team that wasn't even competitive? I don't think so.

Uncle Sal and the Spectacular Statue (Episode 165)

Uncle Sal walked into Giacomo's place and saw a giant straw-colored toad statue by the door. It was three feet tall and about as big around as a trash can lid. The toad was designed with overalls a big hat, and a piece of straw sticking out of its mouth.

"Holy mackerel! Will ya look at that? Where on earth did you get that?"

"Isn't that awesome? I got it at an estate sale."

Uncle Sal swatted a mosquito on his The Scrams t-shirt and made his way to the bar where he took some ice from the ice bucket and dropped it into a Harvey Mudd highball glass. "But how on earth did you take it away from there? And then how on earth did you get it up the driveway and the stairs into the house? That thing must weigh a ton."

"Well, to get it away from the house where the estate sale was, I had to call my friend Luther. He's got a pickup truck and a pallet jack. He gets that thing on the pallet jack and he realizes how heavy it is. He gets it into the bed of his truck and he says, 'I got news for you. There is no way we're going to get this in your house. Even if I can get it up the driveway, we won't be able to get it in the door by ourselves.' So, he comes up with a plan. He takes it from the house to his workshop. Now, it took a while, but he was able to hollow the whole thing out and he just brought it here yesterday. Now, anything valuable, or anything I want to hide from the girlfriend. I can just put it in there, because who's going to think to look inside it?"

Uncle Sal returned to the entry and took a long look at the statue. "There it is in all its glory and all because your friend was able to hollow the yellow hick toad."

This episode featured:
Clyde Anura as Uncle Sal
Adam Caine as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Harvey Mudd highball glass.

Buckeyes 38, Hoosiers 10

Well, the Buckeyes are the new #1 team in the country. And wouldn't you know it, they will be tested immediately with a game in Madison. But let's get to the game against the Hoosiers first.
The Good
Offense
OK, so how many of you had Terrelle Pryor's stat line as 24/30 for 334 yards with 3 TDs? Ummm...neither did I. That was as good as we've ever seen him throw the ball. Credit not only to TP for making the throws, but also to the offensive line for giving him loads of time to find his receivers. Oh, and the line did a great job opening a hole on Boom Herron's 39-yard TD run. Seeing a lot of the reserve running backs was pretty good. Carlos Hyde and Jaamal Berry look like they are going to be solid backs.
Defense
The defense held Ben Chappel to 106 passing yards after he had approximately 800 yards passing against scUM. What's that? He only had 480 yards passing against scUM? Well, in any case the defense showed Chappell that he wasn't facing the Wolverines anymore. Altogether, the defense only allowed 210 yards, and that was with a lot of reserves on the field at the end of the game.
The Bad
OK, so TP looked great throwing the ball, but the Buckeyes showed once again that without Pryor, they don't have much of a running game. Herron had 39 yards on his first carry and finished with 68. Hyde and Berry had some good runs, but only once the game was well in hand. A running game usually comes in pretty handy against Wisconsin. Also, giving up 3 sacks to Indiana by halftime? No es bueno.
The Defense
Seriously, is there anything to put here? Let me know if I'm missing anything.
The Ugly
Offense
There wasn't really anything ugly with the offense yesterday, but I'd say we still don't have an answer to the question "Who will run the ball if TP doesn't?"
Officials
Two penalties in the fourth quarter for helmet-to-helmet contact. The first one was questionable at best and the second one was completely bogus. Last I checked, putting your helmet in a guy's chest isn't a penalty.
Schwinderjection
OK, so maybe I was a little out of order with my Schwinderjection about the Miami game.
Under the Radar player of the game
Can there be any debate about this? Sure, the offensive line gave up 3 sacks, and there were an abundance of 1- and 2-yard runs. However, on the plays were the Buckeyes scored, the offensive line did everything it needed to do. And if the QB throws for 334 yards, the offensive line is doing something right.

Uncle Sal and the Malcontent Mother (Episode 164)

Uncle Sal walked into Giacomo's place and was quickly introduced to Giacomo's new girlfriend Amelia and her mother, Violet. Amelia wore some tight velvet pants and a crimson crop top so small it looked like it had been purchased in the junior department. Uncle Sal volunteered to help Giacomo make some drinks.

"I would like a very dry martini. You know how to make one of those, don't you? Not an apple martini, not a lemon martini, just a very dry gin martini," Amelia's mother Violet called to them.

Behind the bar, he said, "Geez, Giacomo! You've been going out with this girl for what, a week? Kinda early to be meetin' the mother ain't it?" As he opened the bottle of vermouth, a drop spilled onto his plaid Mighty Mighty Bosstones jacket and he quickly wiped it off.

"Trust me, it wasn't my idea. Amelia is a photographer and she took some shots for this guy Enzo Grappa." Before Giacomo could continue his story, Violet interrupted, "And put three olives in my martini. You do have olives, right? Well, three is the perfect amount. No more, no less."

As Giacomo and Uncle Sal mixed the drinks, Violet stepped around Giacomo's bronze tortoise statue and wandered over to Giacomo's bookcase, inspecting the spines for titles that would confirm he was not good enough for her daughter. With her back to everyone else in the room, she called, "I hope we're not going to that Eye-talian place for dinner. Their breadsticks always taste stale. And Amelia, I hope you told them I can't go to the Indian place. The spice doesn't agree with me."

Giacomo said, "So Enzo entered this raffle at the last Grackles meeting. He only bought one ticket but he won a thousand bucks. You believe that? So, to thank Amelia for the photos, he's taking us to La Grenouille Bleue."

Violet had been so intent on studying the books that she hadn't heard Giacomo or noticed that he standing behind her with the dry martini. "So where are we going to eat tonight? I do love martinis, but a woman cannot live on gin and olives alone."

Uncle Sal cleared his throat and said, "Ain'tcha been listenin'? Giacomo just said that we're going to La Grenouille Bleue because Grappa's got a grand, you hag."

This episode featured:
R. James Brownville as Uncle Sal
Dae Ho "Maceo" Park as Giacomo
Olivia Soul as Amelia
Eunice Hurlburtt as Violet
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bronze tortoise statue.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "So I'm not sick? Except for this terminal disease?"

Buckeyes 24, Fighting Illini 13

Give the Buckeyes points for consistency. Whether it's in the 'Shoe or in that drafty old barn in Champaign, the scarlet and gray always struggles more with the Illini than it should.
The Good
Offense
As always, Terrelle Pryor was money in the run game. That 66-yard run in the first quarter was amazing. What is most amazing about seeing him run is that he looks like's not even exerting himself. It was nice to see one of the running backs finally show up. Boom Herron ended up with some good numbers. I'll just say it, by the second half, it was good to see any running back get more than one yard on a carry. Oh, and it was nice to see a drive of almost 8 minutes, even if it did result in only a field goal.
Defense
The defense did what we've come to expect. It gave up only 11 first downs and 251 total yards. Ross Homan is always around the ball. You could say the same for Brian Rolle and Nathan Williams in this game. Cameron Heyward is just a lot for any offensive lineman to handle.
The Bad
Offense
Even before TP went down, that was as big a dose of Tresselball as we have seen in a while. At one point, the Buckeyes had a 1st and 22. And ran three consecutive running plays. The play calling led me to believe that the Buckeyes might as well have punted on first down. After that series, we wondered if any other FBS team (aside from the service academies and maybe Georgia Tech) would have had the same philosophy in that situation. I understand wanting to remain conservative in a place as windy as Memorial Stadium, but isn't there more than one run play in the road playbook?
Defense
Overall, the defense had a pretty good game, but the Illini seemed to have a pretty easy time of things on its TD drive. There was some poor tackling and no pass rush.
The Ugly
Offense
Aside from an abundance of 1- and 2-yard runs in the first half, there is only one thing to put here. I don't know about where you were watching the game, but at Dave and Busters in Irvine, the place went silent after TP went down in the third quarter.
Special Teams
Isn't there anyone on the OSU campus that can punt the ball more than 30 yards? Maybe teach this kid how to kick rugby style, where he gets the ball and runs to one side before kicking it.
Officials
I realize that holding can probably be called on every play. I also realize that part of being an offensive lineman is knowing how to get away with holding. It's understandable that a ref might miss an offensive lineman grabbing the front of a defender's jersey. However, I don't think I have ever seen so much holding of the back of a defender's jersey. That seemed to be the entire strategy for the Illinois offensive line. I guess if you can get away with it, why not?
Schwinderjection
You know that scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie is holding the lugnuts in the hubcap and then the lugnuts go flying, and he says "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge!" Only he doesn't really say fudge. I think that was probably the response across Buckeye Nation when Pryor went down and didn't get up immediately. Granted, he's not the best passer I've ever seen (although his completion percentage is pretty good this year), but the idea of losing him is a little horrifying simply because he has more rush yards than any running back so far.
Under the Radar player of the game
There are definitely some good candidates on defense, but this week the award goes to Nathan Williams. He had 2 tackles for loss and 1.5 sacks as part of his 9 total tackles.

Uncle Sal and the Challenged Critic (Episode 163)

In a Cool Dry Place jazz club, Uncle Sal and Alice sat at a table across from Giacomo and his new girlfriend Novalee, who wore a lime green tank top that was nearly as large as a bandanna and a pair of black jeans that looked like they had been painted on.

"Why's this place so crowded on a Wednesday?"

"Haven't you heard?"

Uncle Sal shook his head, then flagged down a waitress. He ordered a whiskey sour for Alice and a North Dakota Special for himself. He picked a blade of grass off of his Cocktail Slippers t-shirt and said, "So, what's happening?"

"You know Percy Motkovich from the Potboiler?"

"Sure. The critic that can't write worth a lick."

"That's right. Well, in a recent review, he said Claire Stoneleaf had a figure like a sack full of jelly donuts."

"Claire Stoneleaf? The movie star?"

"Yeah. I guess you can call her a movie star, even if she only stars in second-rate movies. Well, of course she took offense to that. But she didn't just call him out in the papers. She's an investor in this place and invited him here for an interesting challenge. You know that scene in Roxanne where Steve Martin says he can come up with a better insult for his nose than some yahoo that insulted him? It turns out he has to come up with twenty better insults. Claire figured that if Motkovich is the wordsmith he thinks he is, he should be able to come up with a lot of creative ways to insult her for her weight, and puts a thousand dollars on it. She figures twenty is a good starting point and throws a dart to see how many more he'll need to come up with to earn the grand. She nailed a triple twenty on the dartboard. You believe that?"

"So you mean to tell me that to win a thousand clams, Motkovich has to come up with a round B girl in eighty ways?

This episode featured:
Heywood Scurrilous as Uncle Sal
Rachael Tauntz as Alice
Seamus O'Probrium as Giacomo
Abby Aspersia as Novalee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the lime green tank top.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world."

Uncle Sal and the Entrapped Employees (Episode 162)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo walked into Gertie's Griddle and sat down at a booth. Both ordered coffee and a stack of pancakes. Giacomo tipped some rye from a pewter flask into his coffee and said, "Did you hear about the incident here last week?"

"No, what happened?"

"Well, it came to closing time and Gertie was going to close the door and start cleaning like she normally does. Only as soon as she closed the door, she got a call that her dog McGruff had gotten out of the yard. Well, you know how much Gertie loves that dog. She forgot about cleaning up and just locked the door and went to look for her dog."

Uncle Sal looked at a sugar packet with a trivia question. He knew without looking at the other side of the packet that the answer was Veronica Lake. He brushed a moth from his Tammy Faye Starlite t-shirt and sipped his coffee.

"Only she didn't remember that Tom Tulipe was still here in the stockroom, and that KC Chu was still in the walk-in cooler. That, and she didn't know that the doorknob on the inside of the door fell off when she slammed it shut."

"Rickety place like this, I'm not surprised. Chu? Is he the cook never stops talking?"

"That's him. If you order eggs over easy, he'll tell you how many minutes it takes to make them perfect. Heck, he'll even tell you about the chicken that laid the egg."

Uncle Sal grunted. "If anyone could talk the ear off a brass monkey, it's him."

"Anyway, Chu and Tom both come out from the back of the restaurant and find the place completely dark, and the door closed. Then, of course they realize that the doorknob is on the floor."

"So what happened?"

"Well, what could they do? They ended up staying the night in here. I mean, that's the only door, and they sure weren't gonna break one of Gertie's windows to get out."

Uncle Sal said, "I guess there's worse places to be stuck. I mean, you're stuck in a place like this, at least you can cook yourself a good meal. But I feel bad for Tom, stuck in The Griddle with Chu."

This episode featured:
Linus Bakken as Uncle Sal
Garth Gritts as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the moth.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This is the worst slum I've ever seen."

OSU-Eastern Michigan preview

Well, loyal reader, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be unable to watch the game tomorrow. But fear not. I will not leave you uninformed or anything like that. I will leave you in some very capable hands. For complete statistical breakdown, visit Slag's House of Stats.
As for my preview of the game, I see it this way. The Buckeyes should win by at least 8 TDs. Seriously, this game should be 63-7. But it won't be. When was the last time the Buckeyes scored 60 points? My guess is that it would have been against Rice, Pittsburgh, or Northwestern in the Cooper era.
Here is my vision of the game. The Buckeyes put up 38 points in the first half, but then stall in the second half, scoring only one touchdown. Eastern Michigan will put up a touchdown against the second or third string defense and spoil another game that should be a shutout. Final score: Buckeyes 45, Eagles 7. Statistically, I think it will be a lot like the OU game, where a lot of yards are spread out across a lot of players.

Buckeyes 43, Bobcats 7

Let's get right to it, shall we?
The Good
Offense
It's a funny thing. Ohio State put up 43 points and 439 yards, but no one had the sort of game that makes you sit up and say "Wow!" Terrelle Pryor had a tremendous first half and ended with some pretty good numbers. I'll take 22 out of 29 every week. Dane Sanzenbacher had an amazing one-handed catch in the first half. And if that weren't enough, he finished the play by getting the first down. Jake Stoneburner had five receptions. I ask you, when was the last time an OSU tight end had five receptions in a game? Devier Posey had another good game. He definitely looks like the go-to receiver.
Defense
Wrap your mind around this one. The Buckeyes defense gave up only seven first downs in the entire game. The Bobcats finished with 158 total yards. That means the defense is doing a bang-up job. Ross Homan had a good game. The guy had four tackles in the first quarter. Devon Torrence was good. Cameron Heyward is a total beast.
Special Teams
Well, the special teams definitely had a better game. Aside from the return which would have given the Bobcats a 7-3 lead, the special teams did what it was supposed to do.
The Bad
Offense
I would have liked to see more from the running game. I mean, the opponent was a MAC team and the Buckeyes averaged only 3.9 yards per carry for the whole game. I know that's good enough for the Woody Hayes offense, but I think they could have done better against the competition.
Defense
I wished the defense could have finished with a shutout, but it's hard to complain about a performance like this.
The Ugly
I know what you're thinking. How could I have anything in the ugly for this game? How about the end of the first half? After 16 consecutive completions, Terrelle threw one short, then was sacked, then threw an interception. No es bueno.
Schwinderjection
Dear Jake Stoneburner, I realize you had a good game and I congratulate you. However, for the Buckeyes to maintain the status quo, I'm afraid Pryor won't be able to throw you the ball again until at least the Purdue game.
Under the Radar player of the game
Ross Homan would be a great candidate for this. However, I can go a little more under the radar than that. Devon Torrence caused the interception in the first quarter. If you ask me, that set the tone for the defense in the game and for that he is the UtR player of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Foiled Forger (Epsiode 161)

Giacomo let Uncle Sal in and introduced him to his new girlfriend Svetlana. Uncle Sal sat down on the couch and cracked a pecan while Giacomo went to fix some drinks. As he picked a piece of the shell off of his Glasgow Tiki Shakers shirt, Giacomo poured some vodka and said to Svetlana, "Tell him about our plans."

"Giacomo and I have started planning for a trip to Paris." She pointed to a model of l'Arc de Triomphe on the table.

Uncle Sal was surprised. He could see why someone would want to go to a romantic city with someone who looks so good in a miniskirt and gogo boots, but knew that Giacomo was never with any girlfriend long enough to plan a trip with her. "Paris, eh? Y'know, I heard a real interesting story about Paris last night." He shook some Bayou Passion hot sauce into his cajun martini, then tasted the drink. "Perfect."

Giacomo said, "So what was the story you heard about Paris?"

"Well, it was a story about this Chinaman Wong-Hei Chen." Uncle Sal didn't catch the disapproving looks he got for using such an outdated term. "This guy had a plan to rob the Louvre. He spent years forging his own versions of the most valuable paintings in the museum. He was going to take the originals and replace them with his fakes. He had floor plans of the museum and even knew how to sidestep any alarms. Then he was going to contact the Louvre and say they would have to pay him if they wanted the paintings back."

"So what happened?"

Uncle Sal set his drink on top of a Men's Fitness magazine and said, "Well, this guy got into the museum and he was just about to start on the Mona Lisa when the janitor came along. When he was moving his mop around, he caught Chen in the ribs with the handle. Then, when he turned around to see who he had hit, he nailed the thief in the face. Chen was out cold on the floor."

"So the guy did all that planning and then was foiled by the janitor?"

"And he never got to use the headline he was going to give the newspapers the next day: Wong-Hei Chen Plunders Le Louvre."

This episode featured:
Leonardo Cubismo as Giacomo
Michelangelo "Chi" R. O'scuro as Uncle Sal
Sandra Rococo as Svetlana
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Arc de Triomphe model.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She's stubborn as a wet boot."

Buckeyes 36, Hurricanes 24

Well, no one is going to say it was a perfect game, but a 12-point win over a top 15 team is a good thing.
The Good
Offense
Thank goodness for Terrelle Pryor running the ball. Although that is sort of a good news-bad news sort of deal. It's good that he ran for 113 yards, but it's not great that the running backs weren't very spectacular. Boom Herron looked pretty good running the ball too. Aside from that, the offense was really pedestrian.
Defense
If you look at the stats, you wouldn't necessarily see a great performance by the defense. However, this is one of those games where you need to look beyond total yardage. The Buckeyes defense not only forced four turnovers, but also held the Hurricanes offense to only 10 points. I think any of us will happily take that. John Simon had a really good game. So did Nathan Williams and Cameron Heyward. And Chimdi Chekwa. I mean, he has been a favorite target for me (and opposing offenses) as long as he has been a Buckeye. But you have to give the guy credit for his two interceptions. I sure didn't have that one pegged before the game.
Special Teams
Devin Barclay made five field goals. The end.
The Bad
Offense
For all his offensive heroics, Pryor completed only 12 of 27 passes. And some of those pass attempts were downright awful. Like the time he threw the ball and the four (yes, four) closest guys to the ball were wearing Miami jerseys. Brandon Saine averaged a robust 0.6 yards per carry. Ouch.
Also, this wasn't really bad, but I was a little disappointed that the Buckeyes didn't try to hang 40 on the 'Canes. I get it. It's not Tressel's style, plus the Buckeyes have to play in Miami next year. Still, I kind of feel that if you get the chance to put 40 on the board against Miami, you do it. You know Miami wouldn't be shy about tacking on another TD.
Defense
Again, what can you say other than the defense gave up more yards than we're used to seeing.
Officials
I know what you're thinking. How can I criticize the officials when Miami had eight penalties and the Buckeyes had two? Just answer me this. How many times did you see a Buckeyes defender get molested (or tackled) by an offensive lineman and nothing was called? If I can see it 2,200 miles away, how come the refs cannot see it on the field.
The Ugly
Offense
Oh, I don't know. Some of TP's passes. Saine gaining less than one yard per carry.
Special Teams
Um, did you see the game? It wouldn't surprise me if both special teams coaches were looking for work after this game. Two return touchdowns in a game? Yeesh!
Schwinderjection
Yes, loyal reader. It's a new feature here on the weekly write-up. This will be my unique spin on something about the game. After the game when Jim Tressel and Randy Shannon were shaking hands, I couldn't help but think that each one said the same thing to the other: "You'll have a solid club once you get a real quarterback."
Under the Radar player of the game
There are some good candidates here. Nathan Williams is a solid player who had another good game. Cam Heyward was really good also. But I have to tell you the player that is most deserving of the award this week is John Simon. He harrassed Jacory Harris for a lot of the day and just seemed to be around the ball a lot.

Uncle Sal and the Inconspicuous Ingredient (Episode 160)

In the Lazy Lounge Uncle Sal slid into a booth across from Ryder Wachtor. Ryder said, "Looks like you got a little crumb on your shirt there."

Uncle Sal looked down at his Naked and Shameless t-shirt and plucked a crumb off of it. "I just had a chocolate chip cookie over at that Bean There Cafe. Looks like I was saving a piece for later."

"Bean There? Never heard of it."

"It's this new place, run by a guy Giacomo knows. Guy by the name of DooDoo."

"His name is DooDoo and he runs a cafe? I think I'd have to pass."

"Course his real name ain't DooDoo. It's Duane Dudek. With that name, it don't take grade school kids long to come up with a nickname like DooDoo. They all still call him that, even though he introduces himself to everyone with his middle name Jerome."
Uncle Sal flagged a waitress down and ordered a Bannockburn and a plate of spicy fries. "Well, his old schoolmates are as likely to call him Jerome now as they were to call him Duane after he got his unfortunate nickname."

Wachtor looked at Uncle Sal's drink and said, "That looks disgusting. Who puts tomato juice in whiskey? So, what's this cafe all about?"

"It's really good. He makes a lot of standard things: pasta, jambalaya, omelets. And the thing is, every dish has a common ingredient." Uncle Sal glanced up at the television to catch the score of the Wombats game and gritted his teeth when he saw that the manager had brought the awful closer in. "And you'd never guess what the ingredient is. I mean, I don't know what he does with this special ingredient that makes everything taste so good. It's mind-blowing."

"So what's the ingredient? Beans?"

"No, it's bean sprouts. Course he doesn't tell his customers that until after they've finished their dishes."

"He puts bean sprouts in everything? And you ate there?"

"I've eaten there a few times already. It's really good."

"So, wait a minute. Didn't you say you had a cookie from there?"

"That's right."

"And he puts bean sprouts in cookies?"

"Like I tole ya, he puts bean sprouts in everything. I had my doubts when I first went there too, but I'm telling you, you've never had cookies like this. Or jambalaya, or pancakes."

Wachtor cringed. "Pancakes with bean sprouts. I don't know if I can get past that idea. And I can't believe you're eating there."

"Heck yeah, I'm eating there. Sure it sounds pretty unusual, but it tastes good when DooDoo Dudek's cooking sprouts, Ry Wachtor."

This episode featured:
Dusty Cooke as Uncle Sal
Serge Skillett as Ryder Wachtor
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cookie crumb.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in."

Uncle Sal and the Hapless Highroller (Episode 159)

Giacomo set a plate of pancakes in the center of the table. As Uncle Sal reached for one with his fork, he said, "Whooooooa!"

"What is it?"

"Have a look at this pancake, Giacomo. Doesn't the surface of it look just like Marc Bolan?"

Giacomo agreed that the resemblance was uncanny.

Uncle Sal opened the syrup bottle and wiped a drop that fell onto his Trainwreck t-shirt. After licking the syrup off of his finger, he said, "So, is your car in the shop? Why'd you need me to come pick you up this morning?"

Giacomo cracked some eggs into his cast-iron skillet, threw the shells into the compost box and said, "No, it's because I'm buying a car from Bobby Jake Brubaker."

"Bru? Isn't he the one with the souped-up seventy-one Barracuda with the portrait of the Were-Elvis on the hood?"

"Yeah."

"Is that the car you're buying?" Giacomo nodded. "Get out! Why is he selling it? I had a car like that, I'd never sell it."

"Well, Bobby Jake didn't really want to sell it. He has a bit of a gambling problem. For a long time, he was winning every bet. It got to the point where his bookie wouldn't take his bets anymore. He found another bookie and won his first couple bets with the new guy. Then he lost a football game, in overtime. So he tried to win his money back, but lost again. All of a sudden he couldn't win. He'd bet on beach volleyball, curling, even Scrabble tournaments, just trying to get back to even. He got himself into a spot where he couldn't pay what he owed without selling his stuff. He called me to see if I wanted the Barracuda. Who wouldn't want it? Thing is, I had to talk him down to about half of what he was asking. He didn't really want to, but then, he didn't have a lot of choice."

"So you come away with a Barracuda at half the asking price thanks to the gaming of the Bru."

This episode featured:
Rusty Carr as Giacomo
Ray Wayne "Engine" Bloch as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cast-iron skillet.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Wow, he just made the international sign of the doughnut."

Buckeyes 45, Thundering Herd 7

Well, it's definitely good to be writing this again. Football season is always too short and 8 months between games is a long time. That being said, a game like this is never easy to write about. You don't really watch the game because you don't have to. That being said, here we go with the first write-up of the season.
The Good
Offense
Let's see. Terrelle Pryor completed 68% of his passes for 247 yards and 2 TDs. Brandon Saine and Jamaal Berry both averaged more than 11 yards per carry. The offense had two touchdowns of more than 40 yards. Dane Sanzenbacher had more than 100 yards with only 3 receptions. And get this. The offense had 3 touchdown drives of less than 70 seconds. No, I sure didn't think that I would be writing those words. Just mull that over. Teams that run a hurry-up offense rarely have 3 TD drives that brief in a game. Brandon Saine's 45-yard touchdown run was sweet. No one even came near him, which means that the offensive line did its job.
Defense
Anytime the defense yields fewer than 200 yards, it had a pretty good game. Brian Rolle showed once again that he is the best and most exciting player on the Buckeyes defense. Seriously, he is the kind of guy you have to watch on every play. Tyler Moeller had an amazing game with a couple tackles for loss, a forced fumble, and a sack. And as you know, I have to give props when props are due. For all the grief I have given Chimdi Chekwa over the years, I have to give him credit for forcing a fumble when Marshall was deep in Buckeye territory
The Bad
Offense
There isn't a lot to put here. We still saw flashes of the old Pryor, but luckily they were only flashes. Devier Posey dropped an easy pass, but that sort of thing can be forgiven in a 38-point blowout.
Defense
I can't think of anything to put here.
Special Teams
I didn't see for myself, but I was told the first 3 PAT attempts were not exactly spectacular.
The Ugly
I think we all know what needs to go here. If not for a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown, this would have been a shutout.
Under the Radar player of the game
How do you choose a UtR player of the game in a game like this? Well, I think it has to go to Tyler Moeller. He was the defensive leader on a night when the defense gave up only 199 yards.

Uncle Sal and the Abandoned Admirer (Episode 158)

Uncle Sal walked up to the table at the hot sauce festival where MacGregor's Scotch Bonnet Surprise was being served. A drop of the orange sauce fell on his black The Afterdarks t-shirt and he wiped it off with a napkin. As he dipped a piece of naan into the sauce, he said "Giacomo, I thought you was gonna bring your girl, what's her name, Yahaira to this thing."

Giacomo put his nose over the paper sample cup with the sauce and inhaled the scent. His eyes went wide and he knew he was in for some serious heat. "I was going to, but we broke up."

"Well, that's too bad."

"Things happen. It's not as bad as what happened to my high school classmate Paul Porrola. Remember, he's the guy I told you about that was always chatting up models on Twitter because he's too timid to approach them in person. Well, somehow he actually got some chick to go out with him. And she is good-looking too. She's one of those women where you see her with a nerd like Paul and you wonder why she's going out with him."

Giacomo bit his naan and felt the delayed burn of the sauce in his mouth and throat. "So, he was going out with this woman named Isolde. One day, she checked out his Twitter page and she saw all the models he was following."

"And she got jealous and broke up with him because of it?"

"She broke up with him, but not right away. It seems she started chatting with some of these models, and she came across this Swedish model who is six-foot-two. She'd be the example of statuesque in the dictionary. Well, Isolde eventually decided to meet the Swedish model. And when they met, Isolde fell instantly in love. Called Paul from Sweden to let him know that she had broken up with him. So now I guess for him it's back to meeting women online and fantasizing about them."

"And for Isolde, it's a tall girl after Paul."

This episode featured:
Hector Habanero as Uncle Sal
Juan Pedro Serrano as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the paper sample cup.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "With that new liver he'll be peeing like a champ in no time!"

Uncle Sal and the Rotten Resumes (Episode 157)

Uncle Sal sat down next to Mike Hawke at The Crow Bar. He hadn't seen Mike since the previous meeting of the Fraternal Order of Grackles. When he saw a Spud's placed in front of Uncle Sal, he said, "You know, that's a fine beer. It's too bad that it's so hard to find."

Uncle Sal took a long pull from the bottle and set it back on the Monkey Knife Fight Pale Ale coaster. After flicking a roly-poly off of his The Earps t-shirt, he said, "I couldn't agree with you more. D'you know I was working for Spud's right when it got started?"

"No, I didn't know that."

"Yup, and the company might have gone under before it got started if not for me. See, I was working with Petros Georgiou, who had been put in charge of marketing. Well, he was coming down to the time when he needed to hire salesmen to start moving the beer. He showed me the resumes of a couple guys."

Uncle Sal paused for a moment as he watched the Wombats pitcher throw a pitch that went about seven feet over the catcher's head. "You shoulda seen these resumes. They were disastrous."

"A lot of spelling errors, things like that?"

"Spelling errors would have been the least of their problems. Two brothers, Lee and Jian Fong, submitted their resumes. Lee claimed he had been the president of Andorra, and Jian said that he got his management experience after he was abducted by aliens from Jupiter and taken there to run a chizzwick factory."

"What on earth is a chizzwick?"

"Exactly. And then there was this guy Brian Paltz. He came right out and told Petros he was twenny-five years old and still living at home...and that he had never had a job. You believe that? Prolly only submitted his resume because he thought he'd be drinking a lot of the beer. So Petros asked me who I think he should hire. I told him he couldn't hire any of these clowns. He said, but they're the best and only candidates we have. I told him that if that were the case, we'd just have to find more candidates, guys that could actually get this beer in bars and stores. Petros objected saying he didn't have time. I just looked at him and I said, 'Look, Spud's is a good product and it has the potential to take off. But I'll tell you right now, mad Fongs and Paltzes aren't selling this beer."

This episode featured:
Leland Stule as Uncle Sal
Jacob "Juke" Bachston as Mike Hawke
and
Jellybean Merengue as the roly-poly.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says "Open that door, you spawn of the devil's own strumpet!"

Uncle Sal and the Promiscuous Prelate (Episode 156)

Uncle Sal entered the Salvador Deli and looked around at the decor on the walls. On one side there was the skull of a longhorn steer with a handlebar mustache. On another wall, a branch was mounted. On the branch was a bottle of Tennessee whiskey with a Frisbee stuck inside it. "Interesting place," Uncle Sal said as he sat across from his sister Mary Evelyn.

"Not as interesting as the news we got at the church this morning."

Uncle Sal flagged a waiter and ordered the house specialty drink: a Melting Clock. The menu declared it "stronger than Hercules."

"This hasn't even made the papers yet, but everyone will know about it soon enough. You know Bishop Levin?"

Sal shook his head. He couldn't pick any religious leaders out of a lineup.

"Well, he's been moved around a lot for behavioral issues. It seems he has a penchant for exotic dancers, especially Filipinas. He was moved to this diocese because there were whisperings about him using money from the collection plate to hire exotic dancers. No one could prove anything though. Until now. It seems our Bishop got a surprise visit from his boss last night."

Uncle Sal took a sip of his drink and felt a drop of condensation fall onto his The Nico Blues t-shirt. As he brushed it off, Mary Evelyn continued her story. "Well, Levin actually had a dancer in the rectory when his boss arrived. The Archbishop asked what was that flowery scent in the room. The Bishop said it was his toilet spray. Well, a lot more questions came, but the Bishop had a good answer for every one of them. And it seemed like he was going to get away with his tawdry behavior. Then as the Archbishop walked toward the door, he saw a...well, a black nylon on the carpet. You can guess that the Bishop didn't have a clever answer for that.

"And now he's probably going to lose his job because the Archbishop found the stocking on Levin's floor."

This episode featured:
Enrico Stiletto as Uncle Sal
Patty Hoose as Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Frisbee.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm just tryin' to figure out how that boy's brain works."

Uncle Sal and the Artistic Automobile (Episode 155)

Uncle Sal bit a deep-fried Oreo as he walked out of the muscle car section of the classic car show. Some crumbs fell from his Graceland Mafia t-shirt onto his program. "Boy that 1970 blue Dodge Charger we saw was sump'n else, eh, Giacomo?"

"What I wouldn't give to drive that thing. Especially the way the owner has souped it up. I bet that would be an awesome ride."

Uncle Sal wiped his hands on his brown and yellow plaid golf pants and said, "So, what's next on the agenda? The program says there's a Chrysler Cordoba somewhere in an exhibit by itself. Thing I can't figure out is why a Cordoba is on display among all these T-birds, Galaxies, and Bel-Airs."

Giacomo said, "I read about that car. It's owned by a guy called Heinrich 'Strife' Strieffmann. In the article I read, the guy said he bought it because it was a cheap piece of junk and he just needed something that would get him to work and back. Well, the thing gave him all kinds of problems. He only worked seven miles from home but the bus probably would have been more reliable. The guy said he had to add oil to the car once a week, among other problems. So, he decided that he would at least make it look good."

They stopped to look at the Cordoba. The passenger side was covered with paintings of cartoon characters. "Look at this," Uncle Sal said. He's got all of the Beauregard Brothers characters on here. There's Beleaguered Bat. And Mischievous Muskrat. Oh, and there's Humphrey Hound."

They walked around the front of the car to look at the driver's side. The entire driver's side was painted primer gray except for the rear quarter panel. "Why ain't there nothin' on the driver's side?"

"There is one thing. It's the first character the owner ever painted on the car, so he decided to preserve this side." Giacomo led Uncle Sal to the back of the car. And there, right above the rear left tire was a painting that stretched to the back bumper. Uncle Sal moved closer and saw a picture of the Beauregard Brothers signature character, Bossy Bighorn.

Uncle Sal said, "Will you look at that? All those paintings on the one side and over here ya gotta sheep on the funny ride of Strife."

This episode featured:
Edsel Hudson as Uncle Sal
Tucker "Maverick" Maroevic as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the left rear tire.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If all the cops looked like him, there'd be no crime at all."

Uncle Sal and the Garrulous Girlfriend (Episode 154)

When Uncle Sal and Alice got to their seats at the annual caber toss championships, they saw Giacomo sitting next to a petite brunette with short hair. She wasn't the sort of girl Giacomo usually went for. She was much smaller and less curvy.

"Uncle Sal, this is my friend Earl."

Uncle Sal blinked a couple of times and wondered if he had misjudged his nephew's companion. "Earl? Not Earlene."

"No, it's Earl." She launched into a story of how she had been named for her grandfather, who had been a Korean War hero. She went on to relay what must have been every detail of her grandfather's life. She wasn't long into her story when Uncle Sal started looking for the beer vendor. After a five-minute monologue, Uncle Sal had his cup of Spud's and Earl finished her story with, "My parents thought they were having a boy that they would name for my grandfather. Surprise! But they decided that they were going to name me Earl anyway."

Uncle Sal removed a cat hair from his Radio Free Bakersfield t-shirt and took a long pull from his cup as he watched Angus MacGregor heave his caber.

"She's seeing Alberto Montoya, the Spanish soccer player."

"Futbol," she corrected him. "He's nice, but..."

Earl began another monologue about a list of men that included an Italian actor, a Transylvanian count, a physicist, and a mattress salesman named Thurston Grumman. All of whom she might have been currently or previously engaged to. During this soliloquy, Uncle Sal flagged down a bratwurst vendor and ordered two with extra sauerkraut. When she finally reached the end (Uncle Sal wondered how she could talk so long without seeming to pause for breath), he picked a piece of sauerkraut off of his blue and orange plaid golf pants, he said, "Whoa! Whoa! Hold on there! That sure was a mouthful, but let me see if I've got it straight. You've got all these guys on the hook, but Earl, you'll be a Grumman soon?"

This episode featured:
Scott Land as Uncle Sal
Mandy Kiltz as Alice
Pete Boggs as Giacomo
Nina Brogue as Earl
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cat hair.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I've got a Mexican hot rod!"

Uncle Sal and the Canned Crooner (Episode 153)

Uncle Sal brushed some margarita salt off of his The Love Me Nots t-shirt and watched as a man walked by his booth at the Liberty Bull Steakhouse. Turning to Alice, Giacomo, and Giacomo's new girlfriend Coco, he said, "Is that someone famous? He looks familiar."

Giacomo brushed a piece of lobster off of his shirt that flew after Coco had cracked the tail with her man-hands. He doused doused his ribeye with Sweep's Steak Sauce and answered. "That's Terry Meier. He was the lead singer of Gabardine Smog."

"Wasn't that the band that sang 'My Baby Left Me Flatter than My Tires that She Slashed'?"

"Yeah. That's the band."

"So, he was the lead singer? Why ain't he anymore?"

"Well, it was really a weird situation. I mean, he didn't just sing, he also wrote the lyrics. So you'd think he'd be pretty safe in a band. And the band was having some good success. But the rest of the guys didn't like how he fit into the band. While they were really energetic on stage, he would just stand there and look at his shoes when he sang. And when he did interviews he would give really short, really boring answers, to the point that no journalist wanted to book the band anymore."

Giacomo speared a steak fry, put it in his mouth and said, "Then one night, the band was playing a show in Sheboygan and after a couple numbers, the guitarist said he was having some technical difficulties and he stepped off stage. He waved Terry over and told him right there that he couldn't stand Terry's bland delivery anymore and that he was out of the band. The band finished the set with no vocals. You believe that? I mean, they kicked the guy out of the band in the middle of a set in Sheboygan."

"Well, I guess the guys had a good reason. From what yer tellin' me, Terry Meier was a dull Smog."

This episode featured:
Pascal Plates as Uncle Sal
Jiro Kobe as Giacomo
Shelly Fisch as Coco
Jenise Flank as Alice
Chuck Rehr as Terry Meier
and
Jellybean Merengue as the piece of lobster.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This was, I believe, the first recorded instance of a CIA agent being eaten alive by a rainbow trout!"