Uncle Sal and the Mirthful Mascot (Episode 123)

As Uncle Sal and Alice walked downtown, he reached inside his Happy New Year sweater vest and removed his Walter Woodchuck toothpick holder from his shirt pocket. They stopped in front of the Hahn's Soul Oh! diner and Uncle Sal asked, "Didn't this used to be the schoolbook depository?"

"It sure did."

"An' now it's a soul food restaurant?"

"I'm surprised you haven't heard of it with as much as you like soul food."

"Yeah, me too." He leaned close to the placard that displayed the menu and said, "Boy, they got it all. Macaroni and cheese, collard greens, smothered pork chops. My mouth's waterin just standin here."

He was just about to make his way up the stairs when a costumed rodent burst through the door. The rodent carried a sign and went out to the street corner to try and attract traffic to the restaurant. "The heck is that? A giant rat? Why they'd have a giant rat as the mascot?"

"It's an otter."

"An otter? That don't make much more sense. Why an otter?"

"I suppose because otters eat mostly fish and this place specializes in catfish and oyster po'boys. And you'll never guess who's in that costume. You remember Cindy DuValliere?"

"Course I remember her. She was a big chief muckety-muck at the bank. You ain't tellin me she's dressed like a giant otter."

Alice nodded. "She was a big chief muckety-muck, but then when the economy went so bad, she was let go. That was seven months ago. She hasn't been able to find anything since then. She's lost her car, and I hear she's barely scraping by to keep her house. But then, she got this job and she's been telling anyone that'll listen that she's the one in the giant otter costume. She's just so thrilled to be employed. She'll take photos with anyone and she brags whenever she get the chance that she is the mascot for this place."

"I guess that goes to show you how bad things have gotten. She was a CEO and now she's proud to be the soul diner's otter."

This episode featured:
Barnard "Blue" Gill as Uncle Sal
Lawanda Gar as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Walter Woodchuck toothpick holder.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "You know where I can find Cuervo Jones?"

Rose Bowl preview

WARNING: If you thought my first look at the OSU-Oregon matchup was a downer, then by all means read no further. I'd love to tell you that when I look at this game it's all sunshine and daisies and skipping through lollipop fields singing "Happy Together." Unfortunately, I don't see those things.

Here is my recurring nightmare when I look at this game.
Ohio State's first drive - 3 and out. (Why break tradition?)
Oregon's first drive - The Ducks get some first downs, but ultimately the D holds and Oregon punts.
OSU drive #2 (Don't worry, I am not going to do a drive-by-drive preview of the game.) Brandon Saine gets 70 of 85 yards and caps the drive with a 55-yard TD run. Buckeyes 7, Ducks 0. (Unfortunately, Saine only gets 4 more carries the rest of the game.)
After a Ducks turnover, the Bucks play it conservatively and settle for a field goal. Buckeyes 10, Ducks 0.
NOTE: If it was sunshine and daisies you were looking for, you'll want to stop reading now.
The Buckeyes head in to the 2nd quarter with a 10-0 lead and the offense promptly takes the next 20 minutes of the game off while the Ducks offense most certainly does not. The Ducks build a lead during that period in which the Buckeyes offense forget a game is in progress. By the middle of the 3rd quarter, the Buckeyes offense realizes it had better do something. Only by that point it's too late to grind out a 1958-style victory against Oregon's potent offense. The defense does its level best, but in the end, it spends too much time on the field. (Yeah, we've seen that movie before.)

Now, I would like to indulge my fine sense of hubris and think that this somehow reaches the Buckeyes players. I would like to think that they'll use this as motivation to prove me wrong. I certainly hope that is the case. By all means, Buckeyes, prove me wrong.

Uncle Sal and the Reliable Remedy (Episode 122)

Uncle Sal answered his phone and heard Alice sounding like she had gargled gravel. "Great googily moogily Alice! You sound terrible! What on earth happened to you?"

She cleared her throat and said, "I know we were supposed to meet for breakfast, but I think I'm going to have to pass today. Our company Christmas party was last night. And I swore I'd only have one glass of egg nog. Which I did. But then I followed that with some rum. And some wine. And a little vodka."

"No wonder you sound so rough. Sounds like you need my no-fail hangover cure."

Alice exhaled loudly into her phone and said, "Do you really need to talk so loud? Everyone has a no-fail hangover cure. What's yours?"

Uncle Sal popped a piece of peanut brittle into his mouth and after crunching it right by the phone, plucked a crumb of it from his hot tamale sweater vest. "It don't sound very appetizing, but it works. It's dill pickle brine and pear nectar."

Alice made a gagging sound and Uncle Sal went on with his explanation. "I came up with it when I was a student at ol' Cotton U. I had a night just like you had and when I woke up in the mornin, my head hurtin so bad it felt like I's head-buttin a brick wall every time I moved. Well, like I said I was a college student. All I had in my fridge was some dill pickles, well, one dill pickle in brine. And some pear nectar. I figgered I had nothin to lose but my hangover, so I mixed them two things and drank it down."

"And that worked for you?"

"It ain't my no-fail hangover cure for nothin'. Since that day, I always have them two things in my fridge. The concoction'll either make you feel better, or it'll make you toss up whatever's makin ya feel so bad. Giacomo swears by it. Whenever he's had too much he asks me to whip that up for him."

"Really? You mean..."

"That's right. Whenever Giacomo's tied one on too heavily, he drinks my dill pear."

This episode featured:
Tom Collins as Uncle Sal
Brandy Alexander as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the peanut brittle.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The world is your oyster, but you're allergic to shellfish."

Uncle Sal and the Consumed Collector (Episode 121)

At lane 17 of the Chicken Bowl, Uncle Sal put his skull design bowling ball in the ball return and sat across from Cedric "Deep" Welles as he put on his shoes. Cedric removed a blue-haired troll doll (his good luck charm) from his bowling bag, looked at Uncle Sal's Welcome Back Kotter sweater vest and said, "Hey, you know who would love that shirt? My friend Bertie Rigmoramus."

Uncle Sal flagged down a waitress and ordered a Spud's.

"Bertie is a big fan of Welcome Back Kotter. I mean, he knows every episode by heart. And he has the entire series on DVD. I tell ya, I don't think I ever seen anyone so devoted to a television program. He's got a room all done up with memorabilia of the show: trading cards, lunchboxes, stickers, you name it. Of course, he's single. No woman would tolerate a room like that. I bet he don't have a sweater vest though."

Uncle Sal grabbed his ball and took a practice roll, a strike. He had the feeling it was going to be a good night at the lanes.

Cedric continued his story. "So Bertie, he's been going on eBay, looking for all the Kotter memorabilia he can find. His latest thing is, someone made a line of t-shirts. Each t-shirt features a different Sweathog on it. Seems he's got all of 'em except for Vinny Barbarino. Can't for the life of him find the t-shirt with Vinny on it. That ain't hard to imagine of course. It's probably the most valuable one since John Travolta is such a big star. Thing is, Bertie would give anything for that shirt if he could find one. He's just crazy about the whole thing. Obsessed, you might say."

After a sip of his Spud's Uncle Sal looked at Cedric and said, "I'll admit it seems pretty odd, but your friend has clearly convinced himself that Bertie needs one shirt, Deep."

This episode featured:
Irv "Gutter" Ball as Uncle Sal
Henrik "7-10" Splittorf as Cedric
Laine Kryplewicz as the waitress
and
Jellybean Merengue as the blue-haired troll doll.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "When it comes to women, does anybody really want the facts?"

Uncle Sal and the Crabby Contractor (Episode 120)

Uncle Sal entered Bob's Breakfast Barn just as Giacomo's friend Leonard was leaving. Uncle Sal greeted him, but got no response. When he sat down in the booth across from Giacomo, he picked an aspen leaf off of his hot air balloon sweater vest and said, "The heck's his problem. I said hello to him on his way out and he barely even looked at me."

"You know that mansion over on Fleeder Street? Belongs to Cale Awlminster? Apparently the Awlminsters are adding a home theater in the basement and Leonard got hired as the contractor."

Uncle Sal whistled. "Boy, that's a sweet deal. Workin' for a family like that must be a pretty good gig as far as money goes."

Giacomo stirred some Irish whiskey into his coffee with a James Buchanan spoon and said, "It is. The money isn't the problem. The problem is he owed this one guy a favor. This guy got him out of a real jam one time and Leonard owes him for it. Well, this guy called in his favor. He told Leonard to hire his son Duane. Now, I've met some unmotivated people in my time, but this Duane takes the cake. I mean, he makes a sloth seem like a go-getter. So, Leonard has Duane on this job, but he knows the guy won't do any work. And if Duane is actually persuaded to do something at the job site, Leonard knows he'll have to fix it. So, basically Leonard is going to be doing the job of two or three people. And even if he's getting paid really well, it won't seem that way when he's covering for this slug Duane."

Uncle Sal sipped his coffee and said, "No wonder the guy's so deep in the pits. He's going off to Cale's with a lazy Duane."

This episode featured:
Arnold Hammersmith as Uncle Sal
Bob L. Leavell as Leonard
Bubba "Lug" Wrenchizski as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the aspen leaf.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This car sticks out like spats at an Iowa picnic."

Initial response to the matchup with Oregon

So, it all comes down to this. The Bucks v. the Ducks. I can't say that I'm terribly excited about the matchup. Here are some reasons why.

The Ducks are quick and athletic, and run multiple formations. Jeremiah Masoli is a freak. Frankly, the Buckeyes are going to need an entire month to prepare for everything Oregon can throw at them.

Chip Kelly actually wants the Ducks offense to score points. (Crazy, right?)

Jeff Maehl v Chimdi Chekwa. Enough said.

The Ducks run a no-huddle offense. That wouldn't be so bothersome except we all know that the Buckeyes offense will take at least one quarter off (and the Oregon offense will not), meaning that the defense will spend more time on the field. Add to that the fact that they won't be able to substitute as much as they'd like against a no-huddle offense and you've got the potential for another game that slips away in the late stages.

LaMichael James is probably quicker than any RB the Buckeyes have seen this year.

Jeremiah Masoli actually executes zone reads.

That being said, Oregon's secondary does not look very good at all. Then again, those guys won't have to be very good, considering the Buckeyes will only throw 12 passes.

I hope the Buckeyes make the most of their preparation time. I hope they show up in this game and prove to me that all of these concerns about the Ducks are unfounded. At first glance though, this doesn't seem like a great matchup for the scarlet and gray.

Uncle Sal and the Blitzed Bettor (Episode 119)

Uncle Sal entered The Crow Bar and sat across from Giacomo and someone who was resting his head on the table. The man's head was surrounded by three shot glasses and a pint glass with an image of a crowbar. Uncle Sal smoothed his Christmas tree sweater vest (a gift from his sister Mary Evelyn) and sat on the cracked burgundy Naugahyde seat of the stool.

"What's with your friend there?"

"Oh, that's Toby Harfentrowel. He's a little down."

Uncle Sal motioned to Kelly behind the bar for his usual pint of Spud's and a shot of rye. "That I can see. What's got him so he's passed out on a table at twelve minutes after seven on a Saturdy night?"

"Today was the World Series of log-rolling. And Toby here, well, he's been studying log-rolling. There is this guy called Luther Gould. He's the most dominant guy in the sport. I mean, he's like the Tiger Woods of log-rolling. He does especially well in the biggest events."

Kelly arrived with Uncle Sal's shot and beer. Uncle Sal sipped the beer, leaving a foam mustache on his lip. "So, Toby gets this idea, right? He figures he can clean up betting on this at work. So he tells anyone that'll listen that he'll take Gould and they can take the rest of the field. Gould is that good. So, he gets ten takers at fifty bucks a pop. Only to find out that Gould sprained his ankle getting out of the shower this morning. He gets on the log in the first round and doesn't even stay on for three seconds. That's it. He's done. And Toby owes five hundred bucks when he gets to work on Monday."

"Losing five hunnerd bucks on a log-roller, boy that's tough. You can be sure he won't bet Gould again."

This episode featured:
Harvey Hoodwinker as Uncle Sal
Keith Hoover as Giacomo
Roger Hooterberg as Toby
Natalie Schmeltzer as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Naugahyde.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?"

Uncle Sal and the Festivus Fete (Episode 118)

At Uncle Sal's annual Festivus bash, Giacomo used tongs to tend to the pieces of rabbit on the barbecue. "Hey, great bash, Uncle Sal."

"Yeah, everyone seems to be having a good time. Uncle Sal reached into his Horned Frogs sweater vest and removed a flask from his shirt pocket.

"And why wouldn't they? I mean, how many times to people get to be in a limbo contest on a twenty-degree November night? Plus, how do you beat night croquet? It's pretty sweet."

Giacomo turned over some of the rabbit meat and said, "I'll tell you one thing. No one is having a better time than that guy." He pointed to Warren Roses. "See that woman he's with? Her name's Kendra Dryer."

Uncle Sal looked at the woman with dark hair and blue eyes who wore a wool jacket, and a Lake Erie Monsters ski cap, and a miniskirt. "Boy she sure is easy on the eyes."

"And that's not all. Warren just moved in with her. She cooks like you wouldn't believe. She cracks open a beer for him when he gets home from work. She likes to go out and hear new bands. And she loves football. I'm not kidding you, she knows more about football than he does."

"Pretty sweet."

Giacomo sipped his beer and said, "Yeah, it's even sweeter when you know the woman he used to live with: Alicia Tan. She's nice looking, but she never liked to go out. She didn't cook. And she cried all the time, and not just when Warren did something stupid. She cried over commercials, television shows, movies, greeting cards. Poor Warren never knew what to do when she cried either. I mean, she would just cry for anything and she would always tell him how insensitive he was because he never cried with her, or comforted her."

Uncle Sal took a long pull from his flask and said, "Sounds like a pretty good deal to me. He's moved out of the crying Tan's and into the Dryer's."

This episode featured:
Angus "Beef" Wellington as Giacomo
Malcolm Veale as Uncle Sal
Russ von Trapp as Warren
Delilah Lamb as Kendra
and
Jellybean Merengue as the miniskirt.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm muzzled by army brass."

Buckeyes 21, Wolverines 10

Well, that game was:
a) thrilling
b) entertaining
c) adequate
d) as exciting as the average soccer game.

I don't necessarily want to be critical. After all, the Buckeyes just capped a 10-win Big Ten championship season with a win over the hated Wolverines. However, when you look at scUM's schedule only Western Michigan (7), Eastern Michigan (17), and Delaware State (6) scored fewer points against the maize and blue than Ohio State did. How's that for elite company? That was the sort of game that gets erased from memory as you're watching it.

And what are we to think of Tresselball? The whole point of this conservative style of play is to win the turnover battle and therefore win the game. The Buckeyes certainly won the turnover battle, but if your opponent turns the ball over 4 times more than you do, shouldn't you win by more than 11 points? In other words, what's the point of focusing so much energy on this when you only punt after forcing your opponent into a turnover?

The Good
Offense
Again, the running game was spectacular. Brandon Saine and Dan Herron both had a solid effort, as well they should have against such a poor defense. Terrelle Pryor had some excellent runs. And of course the success of the running game can be attributed to the offensive line doing its job.
Defense
Brian Rolle is THE MAN. He has to be the defensive MVP for the team this year, with Kurt Coleman running a close second. Coleman's 2nd interception was a very good and athletic play. I liked Thad Gibson's interception even better. He was just sitting there waiting for Forcier to throw it to him. Pretty sweet for a defensive lineman. Frankly, the defense did everything it was supposed to do. It limited UM's offensive output, forced 5 turnovers, and even scored a TD. It would have been real nice if the offense could have done more with those turnovers.

The Bad
Offense
Can you say the passing game was bad when it was so negligible? Certainly, Terrelle Pryor's interception falls into this category. It's tough to complete a pass when your wide receiver is carrying a DB on his back.
The Buckeyes are really going to have to learn about pass patterns that go beyond the first down marker. On the first 3rd down of the game, on 3rd and 8, the Buckeyes threw a 3-yard pass. Next, on 3rd and 5, they threw a 3-yard pass. And then, when the Buckeyes actually had a 3rd and 3, the play was a QB sweep. Brilliant.
I have to ask again, why is Brandon Saine being so limited? They seem to put a cap of 12 carries on him, even when he averages 7+ yards per carry.
Defense
I don't want to seem like I am singling out Chimdi Chekwa, but that guy just looks lost on the field. I don't even have a valid theory for what he was doing on scUM's one TD of the day.

The Ugly
Offense/Special Teams
9 punts? 9 punts? Are you kidding me? Against a team that had been giving up 28 points a game (and that includes the games against EMU, WMU, and Delaware State)? Just once, I would like to see the offense play a whole game. Why does the coaching staff feel the need to absolutely call off the dogs after the Buckeyes get a lead? I mean, a 7-point lead is pretty substantial with this defense, but it would be nice to think that the offense actually puts forth effort for the entire game, and I just don't get that feeling at all. Somehow, the Buckeyes manage to drag the rest of the Big Ten into this 1950s style offensive morass, but does anyone think it will be effective against a team like Oregon?

Under the Radar Player of the Game
Well, every one of the wide receivers was under the radar in this game. Rolle, Coleman, Gibson, and Ross Homah all had amazing games. However, since TDs were so rare, I have to give credit to someone on the offense as the UtR player of the game. And I will do just that. On Saine's TD, Jim Cordle sealed off the edge and allowed Saine to get down the sideline and into the end zone. Congrats to Cordle for being the UtR player of the game against scUM.

Open letter to Buckeyes players and coaches

Dear Buckeyes,
I fully believe that you will wrap up another successful season by beating the Wolverines. After all, that is the true measuring stick of a successful season: a victory of Michigan. However, I feel I need to say this after getting to know this team's modus operandi. Specifically, when the Buckeyes get a lead, the offense has a tendency to go very conservative, and, I'll just say it, predictable. As I mentioned, I believe not only that the Buckeyes will win, but also that you will get an early lead on that team up north. It is clear that this team embraces the offense of Woody Hayes. I implore you to also embrace the philosophy of Woody Hayes. That is to say, if you have the chance to bury the Wolverines, you do it, and don't let up. Hang a loss on the Wolverines that would make Woody proud, especially if it means going for two late in the game with an already substantial lead.
Go Bucks! Beat the Blue!
Sincerely,
Gary Schwind
Loyal Buckeye fan and alum.

Previewing The Game

I don't normally preview games, but I feel comfortable doing this one. When you look at this game, you have to realize that the Buckeyes could hang 50 on the maize and blue. UM gave up 33 points to Indiana. In the past 4 weeks, UM's opponents have scored 35, 38 (twice), and 45. In other words, the defense, already bad, has gotten worse. Good news, right? There is nothing stopping the Buckeyes from hanging half a hundred on the hated ones.
Only, if it does happen, 3 of the TDs will come from the defense. Here is how I see it. Ohio State will take an early lead, 7-0 or 10-0. Then the offense will run 21 consecutive running plays, resulting in at least a couple three-and-outs. Along the way, UM will manage to tie the game. At that point, maybe, just maybe, the Buckeyes will rediscover the forward pass and score a couple more times. In the 4th quarter, instead of getting some playing time for the reserves, TP will still be slinging 5-yard passes and handing off to whatever running back is averaging a roubst 3.5 yards per carry. In the end, thanks to the ultra-conservative gameplan, it's closer than it should be.

Sure, the Buckeyes clinched the Rose Bowl, but...

The men of the scarlet and gray still have some business to take care of. Just ask Bo Biafra of Dead Schembechlers.

Uncle Sal and the Dominican Dispute (Episode 117)

In the Turn Your Head and Coffee Shop, Uncle Sal sat down across from Giacomo and his new girlfriend Earlene, who despite the chilly temperature, wore a gingham halter top, a skirt that was barely long enough to be called an article of clothing, and blue cowboy boots. Giacomo looked very much in need of a place like the Cocked-Up Cafe.

"You look a little rough, Giacomo. Long night?" He asked with a glance at Earlene.

Giacomo took a bite of his pecan coffee cake and said, "Uncle Sal, you wouldn't believe what happened. I went to the Crow Bar last night and who was in there but Father Marconi?"

"The head of the local Dominican monastery?"

"Yeah, that's the one. Well, Father Marconi was really tying one on. I mean, he must have been trying to forget something or someone. He was drinking Maker's Mark straight up, and when he wasn't chasing it with more whiskey, he was chasing it with beer. Now, you know Chip."

Uncle Sal picked a piece of lint off of his Jack of Hearts sweater vest and said, "Chip was there last night? Boy, he never shortchanges you on the booze. I like when he's there."

"Exactly. That was part of the problem. Chip was serving up drinks like he normally does, but then the more Father Marconi drank, the less Chip put in his drinks. So, at some point, Father Marconi goes up for another drink and Chip refuses to serve him. Tells the good Father he's had enough already. Marconi looks at Chip and says, 'Do you think I'm drunk?' And Chip answers, 'Does the Pope wear a funny hat?' That set Father Marconi off. He was ready to lunge over the bar and fight Chip with everything he had. I don't need to tell you that Father Marconi has all the size advantages on Chip, and even though he was lit up, I think he could have done some damage to Chip. So, I did just like my dad taught me. I grabbed Father Marconi, pinned both his arms to his sides and pulled him away from there. I mean, who knows what might have happened to Chip, or the bar, if Father Marconi got back there."

"Guess it's a good thing you were there to pull the abbot out of the spat."

This episode featured:
Edvard Monk as Uncle Sal
Henri Prieste as Giacomo
Barbara "Bar" Nunn as Earlene
and
Jellybean Merengue as the blue cowboy boots.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "We're not in Medford, we're in a hurry."

Buckeyes 27, Hawkeyes 24 (OT)

[photo of Dan Herron by Marvin Fong of the Plain Dealer]

This installment of the weekly Buckeyes wrap-up is brought to you by pigs eating ham.

I'll just say it. If you believed all along that this team was going to a BCS game, your faith in the Buckeyes is much more profound than mine. Of course, they tried everything they could think of to give that game away, but the bottom line is that this is a conference championship team. That seemed like a pipe dream after the loss to Purdue. I'll admit it. To me, it seemed like a pipe dream after Barclay missed the field goal. To me, that had the earmarks of another Ohio State tank job. One thing is for sure: this was an odd game. With that in mind, I am going to break from the traditional format.

HUH?
*Someone answer me this. Why is a QB even necessary on a team that almost never throws the ball further than 5 yards? Everywhere else, the QB is described as a critical position. At OSU, the QB is nothing more than a conduit to get the ball to the tailback. Why don't the Buckeyes just go with the Nebraska-style triple option?
*I will never (and I mean ever) understand why you throw a pass behind the line of scrimmage on 3rd and short, as the Buckeyes did on the first drive.
*Is there no better cornerback on the roster than Chimdi Chekwa? Did you notice the highlights of Vandenberg? In every last one of them, Chekwa appeared on the losing end.
*If Brandon Saine is the running back averaging 9+ yards per carry, why does Dan Herron get three times as many carries?
*How can a defense as good as the Buckeyes intercept the opposing QB thrice and still allow that QB a chance to win the game in overtime?
*Wouldn't it be great if the offense ever put together a solid performance for 4 quarters? Wouldn't it also be great if the offense could stay on the field for more than 2 minutes at a time?
*Why on earth didn't Iowa take a shot downfield against Chekwa when they got the ball with a little less than a minute to play?
*Is it any wonder why the Big Ten is a laughingstock when you have not one, but both coaches playing for overtime.
OK, now that I've got that out of the way, let's move on.

The Good
Offense
For the second consecutive week, the Bucks had a successful day running the ball. Frankly, they'd better considering how negligible the passing game is. Brandon Saine looked great and I can't imagine why he didn't get more carries. Herron had some good runs too, but it's hard to argue with 103 yards on only 11 carries.
Defense
The defense was great in the 1st half and in overtime. It did slip in the 2nd half mostly because Vandenberg seemed (rightly) to target Chekwa on every play. Homan had a great game. Spitler played really well. Heck, Anderson Russell had 2 of the 3 interceptions.
Since this was such an odd game, I am going to skip directly to...

The Ugly
Offense
It's the same old story. Ohio State gets a lead, then the offense becomes predictable and stagnant. Hey, at least the Buckeyes didn't break from precedent.
I just have to ask: What was the deal with that 2-minute offense at the end of the 4th quarter? 2:42 left in the game, all three time-outs and the Buckeyes showed no urgency. Not only that, they refused to run a play of greater than 2 yards. Who plays for overtime with nearly 3 minutes to play and all 3 timeouts? Ridiculous!
Defense
Nathan Williams jumping offside and negating a pick-6 by Thad Gibson was really disappointing. Although I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. AFter all, that touchdown would have sealed the game for the Buckeyes.
Special Teams
You might have thought that the game was sealed once the Buckeyes took a 24-10 lead. Did you honestly believe that the Buckeyes would salt the game away? HAHAHA! Not so fast, my friend! The scarlet and gray couldn't wait to give some of that lead back. Pretty terrible when only one defender gets a hand on the kick returner on a 99-yard return.

Under the Radar player of the game
As mentioned, a lot of guys had good games. Still, it isn't a real easy choice this week. Perhaps if somebody had done something spectacular in overtime, this would be an easier selection. But, the Buckeyes might as well have kicked the field goal on 1st down in overtime. So, who is worthy of the award? Well, Zach Boren and Dane Sanzenbacher both had good blocks to spring Herron for the TD that made it 17-10. And let's face it, would anyone have been surprised if the Buckeyes wound up with a FG attempt there? So, those two guys seem like as good an option as anyone else.

Uncle Sal and the Exasperated Expatriate (Episode 116)

Giacomo was looking at his phone when Uncle Sal walked into The Bum's Steer, where they had arranged to meet for steak and whiskey.

"Whatcha doin, Giacomo? How come ya didn't have a whiskey here waiting for me?"

Giacomo looked up and said, "I've been reading this long message from my friend Ken Clark. He just moved over to Belgium for work and it happened kind of quickly. So, he packed all of his clothes but couldn't take a lot of other things with him on the plane."

Uncle Sal flagged down a waiter in a black cowboy hat and said, "We'd both like a Tullamore Dew, neat. But don't just put it in a shot glass. We want to sip it, not shoot it." He smoothed his Ohio State sweater vest and turned his attention back to Giacomo.

"So, Ken wrote to his brother and told him to pack up a crate with all of the things that he's missing most in Belgium. You know, his favorite CDs, books, yellow mustard, Hershey bars. Now Ken is all upset because the crate arrived, but there was no yellow mustard in it. He tells me that he stressed to his brother to include the yellow mustard because he can't get it in Belgium and he doesn't like the European style at all. So he writes to me, 'What am I supposed to put on my sausages? Mayonnaise? Blech!' Then he goes on and on about how incompetent his brother is. I mean, he's really upset about the whole thing. You should see this message."

Uncle Sal sipped his Tullamore Dew and said, "Mustard, eh? Seems like a big overreaction just because something's forgotten in the crate of Ken Clark."

This episode featured:
Fred "Cookie" Crumb as Giacomo
Abel Weiss as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the black cowboy hat.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I don't need you to tell me how good my coffee is."

Buckeyes 24, Nittany Lions 7

[photos of Ray Small and Cameron Heyward by Marvin Fong/The Plain Dealer]

This installment of the weekly Buckeyes wrap-up is brought to you by every veteran's favorite appetizer: deep-fried onions.

OK, I'll admit it. I predicted a Buckeyes loss before the game began. I thought the Buckeyes would lose 17-12 (I was giving them credit for 2 TDs, but no PATs). Considering how the Buckeyes have fared in big games in recent years, that seemed feasible. What a pleasant surprise to see the scarlet and gray play the way they did.

The Good
Offense
The end of the 3rd quarter and all of the 4th quarter were pretty amazing. Starting of course with the 62-yard TD pass to Posey. I never expected that play to be called. (I'm sure Penn State didn't expect it.) I was even more amazed when it was completed for a TD. Why doesn't Bollman try things like that more frequently. The final TD drive had some surprises too. Like a pass to the FB (the 2nd of the game, mind you) on a short-yardage play. And also rolling out Pryor and throwing to Saine for the TD. Penn State had no idea how to handle that because they had never seen a Tressel team try anything like that. Oh, and props to the coaching staff for discovering a little play called the bubble screen. Boy, it sure didn't feel like the offense racked up 225 rushing yards, but it did. Saine had some really good carries, and the O-line opened up some nice holes. I don't like to play the "should've" game, but just think about this. This easily could have been a 34-0 game if: the team attempted and made a field goal from the 28-yard line, Darryl Clark's TD was rightly negated, and TP connects with Dane Sanzenbacher at the end of the first half.
Defense
The defense just strangled PSU all game. It was nice to see the D register a sack on Clark's first snap. He never did get comfortable, as demonstrated by his 42.9 completion percentage and only 125 yards passing. Chew on this. The defense allowed only 201 total yards and 9 first downs. That is pretty incredible, particularly against the #11 team in the country. Cameron Heyward was en fuego in this game. He was unstoppable. Thaddeus Gibson had a really solid game also, and Ross Homan should have had at least 2 interceptions. Oh, and since Clark didn't actually cross the goal line, this really should count as another shutout for the defense.
Special Teams
Ray Small was incredible. He gave the team just what it needed to get started in this game: a chance to start a drive at Penn State's 9-yard line. He ended up with 128 return yards, and that was nice to see.
The Bad
Offense
Early in the game, it looked like it would be another sputtering performance. There were a lot of 3rd-and-long situations, which of course is not where this offense excels. The receivers dropped a couple balls that looked like easy completions. I'm not sure what was up with that.
Defense
There isn't really anything to put here, except the penalties. And Ross Homan's dropped interception.
The Ugly
Offense
In the 2nd quarter, this looked like a movie we have seen before. The offense scores early, the defense is nails, and then the offense can't stay on the field long enough to give the defense a break. Then at the end of the game, the D is dead tired and gives up a game-winning TD. OK, so that didn't happen. I'm still mystified by the fact that the offense made it to the 28-yard line...and punted. I doubt any other team in college football would have handled it that way. Of course, it was even more maddening when the Buckeyes tried a FG from only 3 yards closer. Weird decisions.
Defense
None.
Under the Radar player of the game
Naturally, there are a lot of good candidates for it this week, but for me it is not a difficult choice. Ray Small was a tremendous catalyst for the offense, setting up the first score. And all in all, he just had a good day returning kicks. And then there was Cameron Heyward. Darryl Clark got quite a few introductions to Mr. Heyward in this game. So, there you have it. Small and Heyward are your UtR players of the game.

Prediction on TP's line against Penn State

I'm looking into my crystal ball and this is what I see for Terrelle Pryor today: 11 of 24, 141 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT. I hope he proves me wrong.

Uncle Sal and the Beaned Batsman (Episode 115)

In the Crow Bar, Uncle Sal and Joe sat watching the baseball championship series even though the Wombats were not playing in it. The Mudskippers and the Hagfish were tied at 4 with one out and the bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th.

The announcer said, "And Graves lifts a lazy fly ball to shortstop for the second Mudskippers out of the inning."

Uncle Sal brushed a rice cracker off of his Viva Las Vegas sweater vest and said, "Unbelievable! How much are they paying that bum, and he can't even hit the ball hard enough to bring home the run that would have won the game."

Joe saw who was walking toward the plate and said, "It don't matter. Look who's coming up to bat."

Uncle Sal looked at the screen. "Otis Lamorey? A .250 hitter with only three home runs and thirty-two RBIs. I guess you're right. It don't matter who's coming to bat. This game's goin to extra innings."

"No, no! Not at all. Lamorey's gonna win the game for the Mudskippers, just you watch."

"Now what makes you think that a terrible hitter like that is gonna win the game?"

"Don't you know about Lamorey?"

"Course I don't. He don't play for the Wombats."

After a sip of his stout, Joe said, "This is a guy that has made an art form of getting hit by a pitch. I mean, this is a guy that can dive into any pitch. Fastball, slider, curveball. Heck I even seen him get hit with a sixty-five mile per hour knuckleball one time. I ain't sure how he does it, and I ain't sure if what he does is within the rules of the game. I mean, to be honest, the guy ain't worth having on the team for any other reason. Funny thing is, he always goes down too. Even with the knuckleball, he manages to fall and make it look realistic."

"So, this guy is gonna get hit by a pitch and force in the winning run?"

"Just watch."

The announcer became more excited as the pitcher threw two balls to Lamorey. "It's a two-oh count. This is gonna have to be a good pitch. Nowhere to put Lamorey here. Niskeiwicz steps off the mound and talks into his hat. Probably telling himself he needs to throw a strike here. Niskiewicz rears back and here's the pitch."

Uncle Sal watched as Lamorey looked like he tried to avoid the pitch, only to have it hit him right in the rib cage. He fell to the ground as his teammates ran onto the field to celebrate the victory. "I guess you're right, Joe. Every pitcher fells Lamorey."

This episode featured:
Dizzy Diener as Uncle Sal
Julius "Boysenberry" Sheikz as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the rice cracker.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop."

Buckeyes 45, Aggies 0

OK, I'll just come out and say it. I never expected the Buckeyes to cover a 44-point spread. No one is more surprised than me that they did it.
The Good
Offense
Let's face it. The offense racked up more than 500 yards of offense. Even against a team as poor as New Mexico State, I didn't expect that. Speaking of things I didn't expect. I didn't expect Devier Posey to throw a TD pass. Furthermore, I didn't expect the best pass of the day to be thrown by a wide receiver. That's not merely throwing undue criticism at Terrelle Pryor. It's a fact. Just watch that throw by Posey. It is more fundamentally sound, and better placed than any throw by TP or Bauserman.
Jordan Hall looked really good running the ball. Any time you can get 9 yards a carry, you're doing something right. TP had an excellent day running the ball. Boom Herron had a pretty successful day as well. Sanzenbacher and Posey had some good catches and stats. All in all, it was a pretty good day for the offense (after the 1st quarter).
Defense
This was the 3rd shutout of the year for the Bucks defense. As if that weren't impressive enough, the D yielded only 62 total yards and 2 first downs. OK, so the competition was pretty lousy, but still, that is impressive. You'd think a team might be able to stumble into more than 2 first downs.
Special Teams
Well, the onside kick was good. And quite unexpected.
The Bad
Offense
The team sure got off to a slow start. Who would have guessed that the Buckeyes would face 3rd and 9 on 3 different occasions in the 1st quarter? The offensive gameplan at the outset was odd to say the least. It was either a 30-yard (incomplete) pass or a 1-yard run. Pryor still isn't impressing anyone with his arm. He was a very pedestrian 11 of 23 for less than 150 yards. And Bauserman really didn't look any better. But then, he looked like he was in there mostly to get some reps for Devin Barclay.
Defense
None.
Special teams
Ummmm, well the kickoffs had good distance. But four misses, when it is possible that the next couple games could be decided by a field goal? Yikes!
The Ugly
Offense
The first quarter was pretty wretched. And it didn't take long to see why Buckeyes fans are so maddened by the play of Pryor. His first pass: a 43-yard completion that was really well done. His second pass: a flutterball heaved off of his back foot and nearly intercepted, if not for the brilliant defense of Sanzenbacher. The receivers did have some drops but TP had some very poorly thrown balls.
Under the Radar player of the game
All right, loyal reader. You may think this is a cop-out, but hey, it's my blog. In a game like this, it's really difficult to find a UtR player of the game. I have a player in mind, but I will not reveal it. Rather, I am going to ask you to include your selection for the UtR player of the game in a comment.
Hey, anyone remember when scUM was 4-0 and in the top 25?

Poll for the game against NMSU

Through which half will the Buckeyes sleepwalk on Saturday?

First

Second

Both

Neither

Uncle Sal and the Foreboding Fairway (Episode 114)

Uncle Sal, Joe, Alice and Uncle Sal's niece Angie came to the 7th tee. Uncle Sal adjusted his argyle sweater vest and started to give Angie instructions on how to play the menacing Par 4. The fairway was narrow and difficult to hit in the best of circumstances. But the designer wasn't satisfied with that. He had called for a line of trees down one side of the fairway and a large bunker on the other. Making the hole nearly impossible was the fact that the narrow fairway funneled right into a creek.

"Now Angie, you see how impossible this hole is. Only the biggest hitters can get it over the creek. I know you're a pretty big hitter yourself, but you see all the trouble you can get into. It's real easy to take an eight on this hole. Most members will either lay up in front of the creek. Or another thing they'll try is to hit it over to the eighth fairway and then hit it toward the seventh green. The most important thing to do is to keep it straight. Straight and short is better than long and in trouble."

Angie nodded as Uncle Sal put his bright orange ball on the tee. He selected a 3-iron from his bag and hit it so it just ended up on the left edge of the fairway, leaving him a fairly open shot to the green.

Joe hit his shot into the bunker and cursed. Angie merely looked at the hole is if she were trying to stare it into submission. Joe stood next to Sal and said, "She plays pretty good. Big hitter. She outdrives most of the men that play here."

"Don't I know it. She puts me to shame. Y'know, I think if she really wanted to, she could try and become a pro. I never bet with her on the course, even with my handicap. Might as well flush yer money right down the toilet."

Angie stepped to her bag and removed the driver. After staring at the hole for a few more seconds, she took a few practice swings.

Joe nudged Sal and said, "She just took the driver, didn't she?"

Sal nodded.

"But that's crazy. That could wreck her whole round. She takes maybe a triple bogey here, then the next hole's no picnic. Do you really think she's going to..."

"It sure looks like it to me."

Angie addressed the ball and as she got set, Uncle Sal whispered, "Sure enough. She's flying the fairway to seven."

This episode featured:
Matt "Mashie" Niblick as Uncle Sal
Beauregard "Birdie" Fletzen as Joe
Sandy von Trapp as Angie
Hannah Bunker as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the orange ball.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary."

Vacation is over [sigh]. Back to it.

Loyal reader, it is true that I have been away for a couple weeks, relaxing in the French countryside. And yes, that meant 2 weeks without a weekly Buckeyes wrap-up and without a new episode of the Uncle Sal Chronicles. But hey, give a dude a break. This is the first time in 2+ years that I have taken such a sabbatical from the Uncle Sal Chronicles. But fear not, Salcoholics. You need only wait a few hours more before a new episode of the Chronicles is available for your reading pleasure.

It's official: I am on the Bauserman bandwagon.

OK, I don't normally like forum guy and suggest that I know better than a coach. Furthermore, I know I am just shouting into the wind with this one, I realize that this will not be a unique opinion, but I feel like I have to put in my two cents.

I know that the backup QB is always the most popular player on the team. Except at Texas. And Oklahoma. And Penn State. And Florida, where Tim Tebow is more popular than Jesus. OK, so I got a little sidetracked there. The thing is, Terrelle Pryor is not progressing as a QB. Granted, he doesn't get to throw the ball that frequently, but can you blame Coach Tressel for that? TP regularly throws fluttering passes and makes poor decisions such as throwing into double coverage and taking sacks when he could launch the ball into the fourth row. Let's face it, the weakest part of Pryor's game is passing. How many other programs (outside of the service academies) can say that the QB's weakness is passing?

So my question is this. What do the Buckeyes have to lose by bringing in Bauserman? Pryor's confidence? How can the guy possibly have any confidence when he has shown himself to be more like Stan Jackson than Vince Young? Now is the time to do it with two very winnable games (yeah, I know, we said that about Purdue also) coming up, and with no shot whatsoever of playing for the national championship (that was kissed goodbye after the USC game). Yeah, I know. What happens to Pryor if Bauserman is installed as QB? Use his athletic ability. The guy can run like nobody's business. Make him an H-back or something. And yes, I do realize that it s hard to just change the offense in the middle of the season. But just imagine the effect on opposing defenses of seeing q QB that can actually throw the ball. Think about it this way. If Boeckman can lose the job because he was ineffective, why can't TP? Just because all through high school he had college coaches telling him his farts don't stink? There is really nothing to lose. Why not give Bauserman a chance?

Upcoming OSU schedule

I will be unable to catch the next few Buckeyes games, and therefore will be unable to provide you with my weekly Buckeyes wrap-up. I will, however, refer you to four links in my links list: Rantings of a Beaten Down Buckeye, Slag's House of Stats, Bucks Insider, Buckeye Banter. You will be able to find excellent game analysis at any one of these sites.

Uncle Sal and the Blundering Baseballers (Episode 113)

Uncle Sal looked at the sports section, shook his head and said, "Hmmmmm."

Alice glanced across the table at him and said, "What seems to be the trouble, Sal."

After a glance at his Gregarious Gnu watch, he said, "The trouble is that the playoffs start next week and the Wombats look like they're falling apart. I never seen a sorrier buncha saps than these guys. Take this story, for instance. It's in the police report part of the sports section. Seems like the Wombats power hitter, that's a guy called Stokes Benchley, got himself into trouble. He gets pulled over a couple nights ago. The cops, they say they was pulling him over because he had a tail light out. But when they get to his car, they find he's got a prostitute and a small amount of marijuana on the seat. Turns out, that was only the beginning. They asked him to pop the trunk and found a couple kilos of dope in there."

The waitress arrived with Alice's soft-boiled egg and toast, and Uncle Sal's corned beef hash with home fries. Sal immediately doused his fries with hot sauce and ketchup and continued.

"Then ya got Frankie Meyer, who flipped out when the Wombats were on the road. Meyer, he's an obsessive-compulsive neat freak. But when they were on the road, he roomed with the shortstop, who apparently is a total slob. Well, three days of rooming with this guy, and Meyer had a complete breakdown."

Uncle Sal shoveled some hash into his mouth and said, "You believe these guys?"

Alice was never sure what to say when Sal got to ranting about the Wombats. She merely shook her head. Although she didn't really need to say anything.

"I can't believe 'em, that's for sure. Two days away from the playoffs and you got Stokes on the blotter and Meyer in the sty."

This episode featured:
Deepak "Purple" Singh as Uncle Sal
Lizette Stoneman as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the soft-boiled egg.

Tune in next week, when Uncle Sal says, "This is gonna take crackerjack timing, Wang."

Buckeyes 33, Hoosiers 14

This edition of the weekly Buckeyes wrap up is brought to you by beef jerky, the perfect snack for those warm days when you're out in the sun.

Well, that was an interesting game...in a way. What was interesting is that the Buckeyes looked at once dominating and fairly pedestrian.
The Good
Offense
Another game, another 30-point performance by the offense. Be honest. After the USC game, did you think this team was even capable of scoring 30 points a game, let alone scoring 30 points in 3 consecutive games? The Buckeyes ran the ball really well. It was nice to see Brandon Saine get loose like he did. He averaged more than 6.5 yards per carry. I'll take some more of that. Terrelle Pryor had a solid but certainly not spectacular game. He did a really good job of distributing the ball. When was the last time 7 different Buckeyes caught a pass in one game? Duron Carter's TD catch was awesome. Looks like he picked up some things from his old man.
Defense
The Hoosiers had only 11 first downs and 228 yards in the entire game. That means the defense is doing its job. Ross Homan had a good game. Robert Rose was pretty solid. Todd Denlinger's interception was very well done. It's pretty awesome for a defensive lineman to read the quarterback like that and then jump the route and get the interception. It was good to see Anderson Russell have a good game.
Here is another note that belongs to both the offense and defense: the Buckeyes were flagged for only 2 penalties in this game.
The Bad
Offense
The offense still settles for too many field goal attempts, made even worse in this game by the fact that Pettrey missed 2 field goal attempts. Even though Pryor had a pretty solid game passing the ball, it's not like he was racking up the yards.
Defense
The defense really only had one bad series when it allowed Tandon Doss to do more or less whatever he wanted. Still 9 quarters without surrendering a point is tremendous.
The Ugly
Offense
Some of Pryor's throws were just not very good. Luckily, he had his receivers bail him out on several occasions. Also, the kid needs to learn when to give up on a play and heave the ball out of bounds. Someone needs to teach him that 2nd and 10 is much more favorable than 2nd and 19.
Defense
None.
Special Teams
Missing 2 field goals is not a good thing, but Pettrey's second miss was awful. It wasn't anywhere near the uprights.
Under the Radar player of the game
It's always harder to pick this when a game is never in doubt. Robert Rose deserves some consideration for registering a safety and a sack. However, part of this award is praising those who have been the object of harsh criticism in the. With that in mind, I have to give it to Anderson Russell in this contest. Against Navy, he looked lost, but in this game he had both a fumble recovery and an interception. And for that, he is worthy of the UtR player of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Handcuffed House-Sitter (Episode 112)

Uncle Sal opened the door and saw Xavier Matuszak on his front step. He looked at his Ornery Octopus watch and said, "Tooz, you're right on time." When Tooz stepped inside, Uncle Sal said, "I really appreciate you house-sitting for me. I wouldn't want to miss the hot rod golf cart rally in Nevada. And you can't be too careful these days."

Tooz nodded as Uncle Sal started guiding him through the place. "I want you to feel free to use anything in the house, with some rules of course. Use the computer, but don't download anything onta my computer that's gonna get me in trouble. And I got the satellite television, so you wanna watch Canadian rodeo, or caber toss from Scotland, you can find it."

Sal led him through the rest of the house and finally came to the bar. Uncle Sal prepared two highballs and handed one to Tooz. "Now, you wanna have people over, that's fine. I got plenty of alcohol for 'em. Only thing I ask is that you replace any bottle ya empty. Seems only the gentlemanly thing to do, you know."

Tooz's attention was drawn to something across the room. He walked to it and said, "Is that what I think it is?"

"That's right. It's a Wade glockenspiel. The only glockenspiel made right here inna US of A. I just got it." Seeing the look in Tooz's eyes as he reached for the glockenspiel hammer, Uncle Sal said, "Oh no. You can drink my booze, have people over, and watch all the Canadian rodeo you want. You can do anything but stay offa my new Wade, Tooz."

This episode featured:
Mel A. Tonin as Uncle Sal
Jerry Garciaparra as Xavier "Tooz" Matuszak
and
Jellybean Merengue as the glockenspiel hammer.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Anywhere is in walking distance if you have the time."

Buckeyes 30, Fighting Illini 0

Photo of Dan Herron running (courtesy of the offensive line) by Jeff Mills.

Another game, another shutout. But since the Buckeyes only won by 30, that should be good for a 3-spot drop in the polls. The Buckeyes keep up this pace and they are liable to drop out of the top 25 completely.
The Good
Offense
The Buckeyes scored 30 points and only had 13 passes in the game. First of all, you don't see stats like that very often. Secondly, if you can score 30 points when everyone on the other side knows what you are going to do, you must be doing something right. The Buckeyes had 3 players (Herron, Saine, Pryor) average at least 5.4 yards per carry. That tells you that the offensive line did its job. OK, so maybe it was the kind of offense that set football back 30 years, but it worked. If the Buckeyes can roll up 30 points using Army's playbook, I'm all for it.
Defense
Are you kidding me? Two consecutive shutouts. That in itself is incredible. But take an even longer view and you'll see that OSU's opponents have scored 18 points. In other words, in that span, the defense has surrendered nearly half as many points as that team up north allowed to Indiana today. Oh, and Brian Rolle is a freak. Ditto Doug Worthington who got a sack by jumping over an offensive lineman. That was the best play of the game. And no, I won't be jumping off the Thad Gibson bandwagon anytime soon. And how about that interception by Lawrence Wilson. He was held, tipped the ball and intercepted it. Very impressive.
The Bad
Offense
Well, it didn't take long to see the bad on offense. One yard on the first series? Way to keep Juice Williams off the field. Pryor is, well, how to say this delicately? He is still very raw. I'm not sure he has a grasp on when to run and when to make plays with his arm. His throws often have very little on them, and he makes far too many poor decisions. Like that play late in the game when the Buckeyes were driving and TP nearly threw an interception at the goal line.
Defense
There is not a lot to put here after another shutout. That being said, Chimdi Chekwa is shaky at best. He actually did the right thing by committing pass interference late in the 1st half (after Ray Small's fumbled punt return), but I'm not sure it was what he really meant to do.
The Ugly
This game is proof that a 30-point shutout does not equal perfection. The Buckeyes lost 2 of 3 fumbles. Ray Small's fumble was more than a little nerve-wracking. That was the sort of play that can turn a game. Luckily it didn't, but not for a lack of trying. On the next play Juice went deep and got a pass interference call against Chekwa.
Under the Radar Player of the Game
There are a lot of good candidates here. Todd Denlinger had some really solid stops in the first half. Any of the defenders mentioned in The Good would be a decent selection. However, when an offense rolls up more than 200 rushing yards, you have to give credit to the offensive line, and that is exactly what I am doing with the UtR players of the game.

Ummm...yeaaaaah

This just in: Ron Zook just called a very short press conference. He went to the podium and made one simple statement. Yes, you're right. All press conferences should be this short. Here is the transcript of the press conference in its entirety. "Ummmm...yeaaaaaah...Buckeyes, if you could go ahead and bring that offense you used against USC, that would be greaaaaaat. Thanks."

Buckeyes win by 38, drop 2 spots in AP poll

In the new AP poll, the Buckeyes have dropped from #11 to #13. Huh? So, let me get this straight. The Buckeyes, who have been criticized for the inability to put away lesser opponents, go out and beat Toledo 38-0. And that is not enough for the team just to maintain its position in the polls? Exactly what do the Buckeyes have to do? Would it have helped if the Buckeyes won 73-0? Would that have been enough to keep them from falling in the polls?

Not to play the "everybody hates Ohio State" card, but can you imagine this happening to any other team? Georgia, for example, beat unranked Arkansas by 11. Maybe Arkansas is better than Toledo, but Georgia gave up 41 points to an unranked team and still managed to move up 2 spots from 23 to 21. North Carolina beat East Carolina by 2 touchdowns and moved up 2 spots. And for crying out loud, Houston was idle this weekend and moved up 4 spots. There are only a couple explanations for this: either Mark May had every vote in the AP poll this week, or this is all part of the International Wolverine Conspiracy.

Uncle Sal and the Nasty Namesake (Episode 111)

Uncle Sal entered the Turn Your Head and Coffee shop, and saw Joe there, tipping Irish whiskey from a Chief Wahoo flask into his coffee.

"Yer late," Joe said, prompting Uncle Sal to look at his Onionhead Otter watch. Uncle Sal shrugged as he called out his order to his favorite barista Natalie. "By the way, where were ya last night? Tried callin' ya because we got a poker game together on the spur of the moment."

"I went to see this musician, supposed to be the next coming of Hugh Beezus."

"Hugh Beezus? Who's that?"

"He was this one-man band. Ya shoulda seen him. With one foot, he worked a cymbal, with the other, he worked a bass drum. Then he had a drumstick in his strumming hand so he could play a snare while he played guitar. To top it all off, when he wasn't singin', he was playin' a kazoo or a harmonica. Anyway, this guy last night, he's even named after Beezus. Hughbeezus Tartuffery is the guy's name. Well, this clown gets on stage and ya can tell he's been hitting the sauce. As he takes his seat, he stumbles, puts his foot right through the bass drum. You'd think the show can only get better from there. It didn't. Guy was out of tune, he forgot words. He cursed at the audience. Finally, he got booed off the stage."

"So, you didn't find him to be the reincarnation?"

"Let's just say, they ain't making Hughs like Beezus anymore."

This episode featured:
"Cuppa" Joe Mudway as Uncle Sal
Gus Driver as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Chief Wahoo flask.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I left barber college searchin' for knowledge."

Thanks to Kinky Friedman for inspiring the final line of this episode.

Buckeyes 38, Rockets 0

This was a game of surprises. No, I haven't grown so jaded that I thought the Buckeyes would lose to Toledo. However, I did think that in the spirit of the Buckeyes, the game would be much closer. (I predicted 23-13 before kickoff.) Perhaps the biggest surprise of all is the fact that all of the surprises in the game were pleasant.
The Good
Offense
OK, now I know that the defenses of Toledo and USC are leagues apart, but there was a much different approach to this game than there was to the game against the Trojans. Last week, the Buckeyes looked like a team that was truly afraid to get a first down, or even advance the ball at all. There certainly was nothing like that in this game. I had no idea the Buckeyes were capable of 500+ yards in a game. Did you honestly expect you would see the following from Ohio State: rollouts, QB draws, deep passes over the defense, passing on 1st down, passing in the red zone? Neither did I. And yet, that's exactly what we the fans were treated to. We were treated to an offense that wasn't afraid to actually try things to move the ball down the field. Amazing what can happen when the offense looks beyond page 1 of the playbook. Terrelle Pryor looked (more) like the player who has been advertised since he committed to Ohio State. It was nice to see what the kid can do if he is allowed to use his abilities. Brandon Saine looked pretty good. So did Jordan Hall. In fact, I am looking forward to seeing a lot more of Hall. The offensive line was good, and Dane Sanzenbacher had an awesome game. I can't remember the last time the Buckeyes had a 70+ yard TD pass.
Defense
Well, the Buckeyes pitched a shutout. What more can you say about that? Brian Rolle is clearly the linchpin of this defense. Heyward had a really solid game. So did Chimdi Chekwa. (I know. I don't say that very often.) I wouldn't mind seeing more of Nathan Williams. That dude plays hard and seems to find the ball.
The Bad
TP's second interception was pretty silly. Not only did he throw it off of his back foot, but he also threw into double coverage. TP, there is no shame in lobbing the ball 10 yards out of bounds in a situation like that.
Defense
None.
The Ugly
Offense
You would think that in a 38-0 game, I wouldn't have anything to put in the ugly. You'd be wrong. The Buckeyes had 4 false start penalties. Really. And they spread them around. If I remember correctly, each penalty was committed by a different offensive lineman. I don't know that I've ever seen anything quite like that.
Defense
None.
Under the Radar Player of the Game
In a game like this, it is often hard to pinpoint a player who fits the criteria of this distinction. After all, the game was never in doubt, so how can you say who did something unnoticed to help the Buckeyes win? Which makes this the perfect opportunity to recognize a player I haven't always praised. Chimdi Chekwa broke up 2 downfield passes that could have been big plays, and for that, he is the UtR player of the game.
Afterword
Good news and bad news. The good news is that USC lost, and that's always good. Let's face it, the Buckeyes are not making the BCS championship game, so it doesn't really matter if Buckeyes opponents are good or not. The bad news is that Washington (yes, the W on the helmet also stood for Winless last season) finished what the Buckeyes could not. Ruminate on that for a moment. But keep your chin up, Trojan fan. USC probably will only drop 1 or 2 spots. You know, like when the Trojans lost to Stanford. At home.

Uncle Sal and the Addicted Artisan (Episode 110)

Uncle Sal glanced at his Raunchy Rhino watch as he steered the Dodge Dart past a building identified as Cashin.

" I never seen that sign before. The heck is Cashin?"

Giacomo put his Alexander the Great Pez dispenser into his shirt pocket and said, "They make digeridoos."

"Really? There's a company makes digeridoos right here in town?"

"Yeah, as a matter of fact, a friend of mine from high school works there. Guy named Ozzie Mattiace. Well, actually, he's on a medical leave of absence at the moment. That's what they're officially calling it anyway. He's really in rehab."

"Rehab? Ya mean for booze? Or drugs?"

"For pills, yeah. He was having a lot of pain in his wrists, you know from hollowing out the wood for the digeridoos. He got to the point where he could barely hold a cup of coffee, let alone make an instrument. So, he tells his boss about the whole situation and the boss refers him to a doctor. You know how our medical system works. This doctor just loaded him up on pain medications and sent him back to work. Ozzie was able to do the job again, but he was popping those pain pills like they were going out of style and got hooked on them."

"Ya gotta feel for the guy. I mean, he's just trying to do a job and then after he goes to the doctor, he becomes a medicated hollower of Cashins."

This episode featured:

Thad Samoray as Uncle Sal

Digger Spade as Giacomo

and

Jellybean Merengue as the Alexander the Great Pez dispenser.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Even businessmen, who rob and cheat and steal from people everyday, even they have to pay taxes!

Trojans 18, Buckeyes 15

This is never easy after a loss. However, this one somehow seems easier to swallow. Maybe that's because I've learned to recognize the symptoms of a Buckeyes surrender. For instance, when the Buckeyes were leading 12-10 and driving down the field, I knew they would end up with a field goal attempt. Then, when USC reached midfield on the final TD drive, I knew they would score and the game would be over.

Once, just once, I would like to see a Buckeyes team play with heart for 4 quarters. You know, like it used to when it had players like Hawk and Carpenter. Unfortunately, those days are gone. Loyal reader, from now on, I want you to hold me to something. Whenever the Buckeyes play a big game, I will assume a loss. That way, if they do somehow manage to win the game, it will be a pleasant surprise to me. Do you realize what we have become? We have become Tennessee Volunteer fans. How, you ask? Well, no team is more familiar with having the season end in September than UT because that is when the Vols play the Gators.
The Good
Offense
This is easy. ALL of the good for the offense was in the 1st quarter. Clearly, you want to avoid having too much offensive success. That is why after a successful quarter, you just shut down the offense and try to manage a field goal when you can.
Defense
The defense played really well. For 53 minutes. Gibson, Homan and Rolle all had very good games.
The Bad
Offense
Pretty much everything after the 1st quarter fits here.
Defense
See The Ugly.
The Ugly
Offense
You know, for all the hype Terrelle Pryor gets, I can't say he is living up to any of it at the moment. He was more reminiscent of Stanley Jackson, than say, Vince Young. He often does not throw a very good ball. His decision on the interception was terrible. Ditto the almost fumble when he decided to pitch to a guy as he was going to the ground. Even better that the running back wasn't expecting the pitch.
Defense
I have no idea how the defense can play so well for 53 minutes and then just fold. Payday McKnight had been completely bottled up until that last TD drive. So had Spencer Pratt...erm, Matt Barkley. I mean, for crying out loud, the defense held the mighty mighty Peters...erm, Trojans to 5 yards in the 1st quarter. How then, do all the players fold so easily when the game is on the line?
Under the Radar player of the game
Well, you could make an argument that just about any player in the game was under the radar. Certainly, if we're going to award this to a player for this game, it would have to be a defensive player. So, without further ado, your Under the Radar player of the game is Thad Gibson.

LA Times piece about Terrelle Pryor

Check out this piece about TP in the LA Times. Petey calls him "untackleable."

Uncle Sal and the Irksome Investor (Episode 109)

Inside the Root Hog or Diner, Uncle Sal looked at his Grizzled Gopher watch as he slid into the booth across from his old classmate's son Quentin Rotter. He was right on time. He hadn't even gotten the seat warm when Quentin started talking about how his real estate holdings were doing. Uncle Sal held up his hand and said, "Yer gonna hafta hold yer horses on that. At least let me get a beverage in fronta me before ya start givin' me all that mess."

Quentin looked a little wounded, but Uncle Sal wasn't concerned. He picked up a menu and said, "Know what sounds good? A hot pastrami sammich and a Cajun martini."

Quentin moved the jar of relish to the edge of the table with the other condiments and said, "I've been looking at this new property, in Panama."

Uncle Sal just looked at the guy. He wondered why he had ever told Fergus that he would meet with this single-minded son of his. "Just meet with him. Maybe he can give you some tips on finding a vacation home," Fergus had told him. "You know who you remind me of? You remind me of this guy called David Raabe."

"Wait, did you say Ray-bee? Let me guess. R-A-A-B-E."

Uncle Sal glowered at the guy. That waitress couldn't bring him a Cajun martini quickly enough. "Yeah. Anyway, this guy Raabe is always talking about the money he makes from real estate. One time, he was talking to a friend of mine Ralph Butzen about how he had bought some house for a song and now it's worth triple what he paid for it. Only, he wasn't just talking. He was giving all kinda mathematical formulas about how we could do the same thing, if only we were willing to be just as boring as him. He even drew some charts and graphs on a cocktail napkin. Lemme tell ya, it didn't take long for Ralph to get tired of it. I think he has less patience for it than I do. After a few minutes, Ralph crumples the cocktail napkin, sticks it in his pocket. Then he grabs Raabe by the back of the shirt and leads him to the door. Raabe tries to protest, but Ralph just points to the door and doesn't say a word."

"Really? That's pretty rude. You mean he just..."

"That's right. He decided to show out the Raabe with the math, Rotter."

This episode featured:
"Vanilla" Rafer Cuyler as Uncle Sal
Bo Ringenberg as Quentin Potter
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jar of relish.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "You put on your black dress, and I'll go shave my tongue."

Buckeyes 31, Midshipmen 27

[Photo of Brian Rolle by Jeff Mills]
Ah yes, there is nothing quite like the first Buckeyes game of the season to inspire hysteria. It is truly one of the things the Buckeyes do best. That's where I come in...to at least attempt to be the voice of reason. So, back away from that ledge, put away that ladder and industrial-strength extension cord. And for crying out loud, do not take that toaster into the bathtub with you. Oh, and Mark May? Put away that barbecue fork because the Buckeyes are not done yet. Doctor Gary is here to help.

Let's look at some facts. First, Ohio State did not schedule a patsy. This is not Charleston Southern, Louisiana-Monroe, or San Jose State. Navy is a team that wins 8 games a year. Granted, some of those wins are against lesser opponents like Army, Air Force, and Notre Dame, but there are a lot of teams that would love to win 8 games. (Yes, I am looking in your direction, Ann Arbor.)

Second, Ohio State will be better equipped to deal with other offenses this season. How can I say that after such a lackluster performance? The Buckeyes do not face many teams that run the triple-option. And let's face it, it is tough to stop a good option game. I dare say that Navy probably has the best option game in college football. Now, teams like USC and Penn State have way better players than Navy, but I think the Buckeyes are in a better position against more common offenses. Whether they execute is another question altogether.

The Good
Offense
Terrelle Pryor had a really solid game. He completed 2/3 of his passes and really only had one mistake. And let me just throw this out there. Am I the only one surprised by the fact that TP had more than 12 pass attempts? And don't even try to tell me that I'm the only one surprised by the fact that the Buckeyes threw so many times on first down. I didn't even realize that was allowed at The Ohio State University. Brandon Saine had a good game, making the most of when he got the ball. Dan Herron had a good, but not great game.
Defense
Erm, well, Kurt Coleman forcing two turnovers was pretty good. Aside from that, Brian Rolle was pretty much the lone defensive bright spot.

The Bad
Offense
There was one drive where the offense just imploded. I mean, false start, delay of game, and then holding? Consecutively? Well done indeed.
Defense
The 1st drive, the 4th quarter, 3rd downs, no pressure on the QB, allowing an 85-yard pass to Navy, allowing a 99-yard drive by Navy. I think you get the idea.

The Ugly
Offense
I think we all know what goes here. That 4th down play in the 4th quarter. And the thing is, it was so unlike Tressel to not go for the points. It was an uninspired play, poorly executed and I'm willing to bet the Buckeyes don't attempt another 4th down conversion all year.
Defense
I'm not quite sure what Anderson Russell was doing on that 85-yard TD play. Then again, I'm not sure he knew either. What I do know is that Navy's offense is not designed for quick-strike capability.

The Under the Radar Player of the Game
OK, so he wasn't really under the radar after intercepting the 2-point conversion and returning it for 2 points (and thereby preventing overtime). However, as I mentioned before, Brian Rolle was the lone bright spot on the defense and for that he is the UtR player of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Vicious Vegetables (Episode 108)

Uncle Sal looked over the newspaper at Alice and said, "Say, you remember that actor Lowell Pate?"

"The soap opera actor?"

"And movies. He was a Hollywood big shot until..." Uncle Sal mimed drinking. "After he went into rehab, no one wanted to hire the guy."

After a look at his Baffled Beaver watch and a sip of his coffee, he continued. "I mean the guy won awards, and then he has a drinking problem and no one wants to hire the guy."

Alice removed a space shuttle pen from her purse and started to work the Sudoku. "I think there was more than just a drinking problem. Didn't he also have a thing with the network president's eighteen-year-old daughter?"

Sal shrugged.

"Anyway," Alice said. "What about him?"

"Says here inna paper that he's going to be one of the stars of a local theater production called The Vicious Vegetables of Dr. Liechtenstein. It's about a tomato, a leek, a carrot, and a butternut squash who are animated in a lab experiment and then rampage the town. Sounds like sump'n right up my alley, I'll tell ya."

Alice rolled her eyes. Not that she doubted it was right up his alley. It truly sounded like something he would enjoy. She rolled her eyes because she hoped she wouldn't get dragged to this horrendous sounding play.

"Pate, of course, is one of the stars. Guess what role he plays?"

"Hmmm. Well, I'd say the carrot is out. He's round and red, so he seems like a natural to play the tomato. But I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he's the butternut squash. It seems like that might be the least desirable part."

Uncle Sal grinned and shook his head. "You guessed all around it."

"You mean..."

"That's right. Pate plays a leek."

This episode featured:
"Play" Bill Ratzlenberg as Uncle Sal
Tess Paean as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the space shuttle pen.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Not now, Arctic Puffin."

Yours truly is the featured author on OC Arts and Culture

All you Salcoholics out there have probably been wondering when your humble author was going to get some more well-deserved recognition for the fine piece of literature that is A Gopher I Couldn't Defuse. Well, it has happened. I am currently the featured author on OC Arts and Culture. Many thanks to Angela Bishop for writing the feature. Be sure to check it out and leave your comments.

Uncle Sal and the Peculiar Percussionist (Episode 107)

Uncle Sal carried drinks on his sterling silver George Mikan tray and set it on the table. As Alice, Giacomo and Giacomo's girlfriend Tanesha reached for their drinks, Uncle Sal asked Giacomo, "Whatsa name of this band we're gonna see at the Dreams Lounge?"

"It's called Rutabagas for Breakfast. The drummer is really what makes the show. He started out with a drum kit that only had one proper drum, the bass. The rest of the kit was made of paint buckets, old pans, popcorn tins. The guy just doesn't feel right banging on actual drums. Giacomo took a sip of his Acapulco Clam Digger and said, "Well, then it got interesting. At one show, someone brought him a piece of PVC pipe. He added that to his drum kit."

Uncle Sal looked at his Maudlin Moose watch and asked, "What time they go on?"

"Ten, I think. Anyway, so then someone brought him a hubcap from a 1948 Tucker, and he added that to his kit. So, now he's got a running deal going. You bring something he can bang on, and he will incoporate into his percussion kit. Last time I saw him, someone brought him a radiator from a 1961 Dodge Dart. Danged if the drummer didn't add that to his kit, and make it sound good."

Uncle Sal sipped his bourbon and looked at Alice. "Pretty clever, don't you think? Guy starts off playing buckets and pans, and before ya know it, he's drumming a Dart at the Dreams."

This episode featured:

Keith "Moon Man" Luna as Uncle Sal

Pearl Snair as Alice

Franklin "Buddy" Richardson as Giacomo

Wanda Diamond as Tanesha

and

Jellybean Merengue as the George Mikan tray.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I was sittin' flickin' chickens."

Uncle Sal and the Lackey Lawyer (Episode 106)

Giacomo entered Uncle Sal's place and saw Uncle Sal on the couch, sipping a mai tai.

"Hey Giacomo. Ya ever seen these court programs? They are hilarious. Ya got the poor saps tryin' to speak for themselves and they sound like they went into the courthouse drunk." Uncle Sal looked at his Purple People Eater watch and said, "The one comes on next is my favorite. There's this lawyer on the program reminds me of a guy I knew in law school, name of Guy Winkley."

Giacomo went to the bar and began to prepare his own mai tai by dropping a slice of pineapple into his glass.

"This guy Winkley, he was some kinda brown-nose, especially in the courses taught by Tate Geschlicten. Winkley, he had a comment on every issue that professor brought up. And he made it clear to everyone in the class that he had read every last one of Geschlicten's books, briefs, and prolly pamphlets." After a sip of his mai tai, Uncle Sal continued. "Course that was just a good start for Winkley. See, this professor, he thought lawyerin' began and ended with Clarence Darrow. He was forever preaching the gospel of Clarence. I'll tell ya, it didn't take long for Winkley to glom onto that. Soon, he was framing all his comments in light of what the professor and ol' Clarence said. Like he didn't have an original thought in that coconut of his. Funny thing, everyone thinks lawyers is so smart and well-spoken. Maybe that's true, but Winkley found that what you say is just as important to your success."

"It sure sounds like he had law school all figured out."

"I'll say he did. I don't know what kinda lawyer he became, but he made it through law school by talkin the Tate and Darrow."

This episode featured:

Jarvis "Felonious" Monk as Uncle Sal

Aiden Abet as Giacomo

and

Jellybean Merengue as the slice of pineapple.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Awful good cereal flakes, Miss Mcdonough."

Uncle Sal and the Celebrated Chef (Episode 105)

Uncle Sal sat across from his literary agent Sid Greensleeve. Sid finished his call, and hung up the phone. "Sal, great to see you. This latest draft of your Sasquatch wrestler novel is great. And you know something? I would love to discuss it. Over lunch. I'm starving."

Uncle Sal looked at his orange Carrotopia watch: 11:32. Sid was nothing if not a creature of habit. He liked to go to lunch at 11:30 to avoid the crowd that arrived at restaurants at noon.

"My treat, of course," Sid added.

"Sure thing. Where do you want to go?"

"You know I love that Somali restaurant. The chef there, what's her name? Anita Beer. My goodness! She's amazing."

"Well..."

"I'll never forget the first time I had sambusas at that place. It was like a little bit of heaven. The meat in there, I think it was goat, was incredible! Just seemed to melt in my mouth."

"Right, but..."

"And the ambola. Who would have ever guessed that something as simple as beans could be so delicious. But then when the food is prepared by the hands of a master like Anita, I suppose anything would taste really good."

Uncle Sal said, "We can go to that Somali place if you want. I agree it is really good. The only thing is that Anita doesn't work there anymore."

"What?"

"No, there was a change of management at the place. The new manager brought in his own chef and let go the kitchen staff that had been working there."

Sid removed a cigar from the drawer of his desk. He circumcised the tip of it with his cutter and stuck it between his teeth. As he puffed to get the cigar going, he said, "They let Anita go. That's unthinkable. That was the best place in town. And because of her."

"On the plus side though, Anita found a new job at that Szechuan place across town. You thought that place was good before, you should try it now."

"Really? Anita's working at a Chinese place?"

"Yup. Beer's cooking at Chu's, Sid."

This episode featured:

Kevin "Paperback" Reiter as Uncle Sal

Tucker Shertz as Sid Greensleeve

and

Jellybean Merengue as the cigar cutter.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "No one laughs at a master of Quack Fu."