Uncle Sal sat next to Giacomo at the bar. His umber stovepipe hat rested beside his Scotch. A commercial came on the television behind the bar and Uncle Sal threw a peanut at the screen. "Dangit! I don't want to see this commercial. I hate the commercials for these dang male enhancement pills." He altered his voice, presumably to sound like someone taking the medication. "Lookit me! I take these pills and now I can throw a football through a tire swing." He sipped his Scotch and said, "It's disgusting! Can't go five minutes without seein' one of them commercials."
"I have two friends that were taking those things. Todd French and Todd Szymanski. They're actually roommates, so you can imagine the confusion they have with incoming phone calls." He took a drink of his ale and said, "At first they both thought the pills were great. They were, well, let's just say they were putting that medicine to good use. And they told me all about it, whether I wanted them to or not. Then French started complaining about how his vision was getting fuzzy. Said it was pretty gradual, but he was more than a little disturbed by it. He never wore glasses before in his life, and then one day he almost got into an accident because his vision was so fuzzy. A few weeks later, Szymanski starts complaining about a gradual decline in his vision. Same thing. Never wore glasses before."
"That's what happens when ya get older, Giacomo. Things don't work the way they oughta. Always seems to start with the eyes."
"Yeah, I know, but these two guys were both twenty-twenty. One time, French was driving at night and stood on the brakes to avoid hitting a rabbit. He had seen the car lights reflected in the rabbit's eyes. I'm telling you, it was something. Doctors started looking into it and they couldn't find any cause at first. They eventually eliminated all the possibilities except for one thing. They figured out that the two guys were losing their vision because of those pills they were taking. Do you believe it? They were getting more action in bed but giving up their sight for the privilege."
"Why the heck are those two guys taking the pills anyway? Are they old guys?"
"No, they're probably early thirties. But didn't you hear what I said?"
"Course I heard ya. You're telling me the pills of the Todds blind slowly."
This episode featured:
Early Hammer as Uncle Sal
Jesus Jenkins as Giacomo
Jellybean Merengue as the peanut.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Why did Constantinople get the works?"
[6 July 2008]