Uncle Sal pulled down on the 8-ball gearshift and steered the Dodge Dart out of the driveway. "Thanks for coming along, Giacomo."
"It's no problem, but do you really think they'll let me play third base on your senior softball team?"
"Only one way to find out, ain't there? Say, did I tell you about last year when we played for the senior league championship?"
"Were you wearing that cinnamon-colored leisure suit?"
"Never mind what I was wearing. That ain't important. What's important is the umpire that called the game. She's a big woman. She ain't fat but she got shoulders like a linebacker. Could probably take you out without breaking a sweat. Anyway, if it weren't for her, we woulda won the senior championship last season. She called me out at home two times. And I was safe both times. The second time was the worst. We were tied and I was on second base with two outs. Joe Malarkey came up and hit the ball to left field. Well, I knew for a fact that Ernie Chryplewicz wasn't going to throw me out. He couldn't throw a ball in the ocean from the end of the pier. Well, I rounded third and I seen that Ernie hadn't picked up the ball. One of his teammates beat him to it and threw the ball to the infield. Well, that ball and I were bound to meet at home plate. Lemme tell you, I slid into home and I know for a fact that I touched the plate before the catcher tagged me. But through the cloud of dust, what do I hear? "Yer out!" the umpire says in a voice like metal on metal. I ain't kiddin'. But her voice ain't just screechy, it's a voice wrapped in cigarette smoke. Well, I stood up to argue and that umpire just held up her fists like she wanted to fight me. I don't care how unpleasant a woman is, I ain't gonna fight her. Well, we ended up losing the game thanks to that ol' battleax."
A few minutes later, Uncle Sal pulled into the parking lot of the athletic fields. "Oh no!"
"What's wrong, Uncle Sal?"
"Look behind home plate. That's her. The umpire shrike's back."
This episode featured:
Haywood Jasumi as Uncle Sal
Harvey Arabella as Giacomo
Jellybean Merengue as the 8-ball gearshift.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Those who are late do not get fruit cup."
[18 December 2007]