Ask Uncle Sal: gator gumbo and zip ties

Well, folks, I gave you the opportunity to ask me anything and you responded. Without too much prelude, here is the first edition of Ask Uncle Sal with questions from real Salcoholics.

Uncle Sal, is Florida or Ohio State going to win the Gator Bowl? BB in Florida

Hmmm...I was thinkin' I might get some questions I could pontificate on, but since ya asked...I'd say the Gators. Sure, the Gators were 6-6, but at least they lost ta good teams. Just don't tell Schwind I picked against the Buckeyes.
Say, speakin' of gators...ya ever had gator gumbo? A plate o' that washed down with a coupla cajun martinis is pretty darn near ta heaven.

Uncle Sal, why do packaging engineers feel the need to involve so many plastic ties in child toy packages? BW in Michigan

This here's a good question, BW. Just so happens I was in a boardroom of a toy manufacturer when sump'n like this here came up. Them ties was added to the packaging of toys because too many toys was either bein' damaged in shipping or stolen from stores. The ties kept the toys from rattlin' around too much in shipping. And as you've noticed, it's a lot harder to get them toys outta the packages with all them ties holdin' 'em down.
The trouble is one of the bean counters in the company mentioned that buyin' all them ties drove up the cost.
Well, no CEO ever likes to think his money's bein' spent on sump'n like zip ties and you can imagine this caused quite a stir in the boardroom. I myself brought up the fact that customers is smart enough to figger out if you're selling them the same product at a greater cost. Long story short, the CEO tells the marketing guys, "You better put something on the packaging that tells customers the product is new and improved somehow because I cannot sell a tie."

Uncle Sal and the Foremen of Funk (Episode 209)

Uncle Sal opened the door and saw Giacomo and his new girlfriend Delphine. Giacomo carried a bag of wrapped gifts and wore sunglasses despite the gray and the clouds. Delphine wore a Christmas sweater that was at least two sizes to small and a pair of pants so tight he wondered how she had squeezed herself into them.

"Come on in. I made some eggnog that is high-octane stuff, I'll tell you. From the looks of you, you could use a little hair of the dog. What did you two do last night?"

Giacomo removed his sunglasses and set them on the counter right next to the whole nutmeg Uncle Sal had grated for the eggnog. He poured some into two glasses, handed one to Delphine. After a quick toast to Uncle Sal for hosting, he drank about half of the eggnog in his glass. "Wow! That is high-octane! We went to Rock around the Cocktails to see this band called The Dim Tree." Giacomo took a date pinwheel from the platter of cookies on the counter. "It's this really cool country funk band. They do a funky version of 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' that would make George Clinton and Charlie Daniels proud."

Uncle Sal led them to the patio to check on the salmon he was smoking.

"I've seen this band a couple times and they've always been good. The band came onstage last night and there was this female singer on stage. I recognized her from some classes at college. Her name is Cher. She was wearing a cocktail dress, five-inch heels, and bright red lipstick. Nice-looking girl. And then she started singing. She was amazing. I mean, she must be about five-two and 110 pounds, but she's got this voice that can blow the roof off a place."

Giacomo took another big drink of the eggnog and continued. So the show was going really well. Everyone was having a good time. They could have played anything and people would have danced to it. The highlight for me was when they played this song called 'The Dock Kings,' a pro-labor song by this garage band called Smokin' Guavas. It's one of those songs you never expect to hear in a club because you figure no one has ever heard of it. I have a 45 of that song, and it was great to hear it played in a different style. I was the only one singing along with that one. So yeah, we had a night of dancing, good music, and quite possibly a little too much to drink."

"Sounds like it was all worth it, especially since The Dock Kings was sung by The Dim Tree with Cher."

This episode featured:
Ewell Log Jr. as Giacomo
Noelle Wreat as Delphine
Nicolas Della Santa as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the nutmeg.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Let's all go have some sponge cake and a little wine."

The Great Shoe Debate

I have learned a lot of things being married to a French woman for 11+ years. One of those things is how important fashion is to the French, even if they live in the countryside. You would think that if a person lives in a village with more cows than people, fashion might take a backseat. You would be unequivocally wrong. But this is not about fashion in general. This is about shoes. My mother- and father-in-law arrived from France last night and my wife informed me that my mother-in-law would like to buy me a pair of shoes because my wife has informed her that my collection of shoes is woefully inadequate. My response: "I don't need shoes. I have one pair of black, and one pair of brown." Their reaction: befuddled (to say the least). How can a person get by with only two pairs of shoes?
Now, I realize this phenomenon is not unique to French women. There are loads of women from loads of nationalities who think that having only two pairs of shoes is laughable. So how to account for this difference between women and men? Let's explore.
Defining need
Women "need" a different pair of shoes to go with these jeans, or that skirt, or a particular pair of slacks. Let's not forget that when the cold weather comes, women "need" boots. And of course in summer, women "need" sandals. And so it goes. Not only for each outfit, but for each outfit in every season. Men, on the other hand, are much more utilitarian. We have one pair of black shoes and one pair of brown shoes. ( I know this is going to induce horror in a lot of you women, but I'll tell you my dirty little secret. My brown shoes, I've had them for probably seven years. I bought them shortly after I got my current job and I still have them. They haven't worn out yet, so why would I need to get a new pair?) Why do men need only one pair of black shoes and one pair of brown shoes? I'm glad you asked.
Selection
OK, so men are much more utilitarian in their shoe selection. That's probably by nature, but there is also the matter of selection. If you walk into a place like Shoe Pavilion, three-quarters of the store is devoted to women's shoes, purses, etc. If you go into that quarter of the store reserved for men, what do you find? Brown and black. And maybe some cordovan. That's it. Women have all sorts of styles that I couldn't even begin to name if I tried. For men, it's brown or black, slip-on or laced. So why do we only need one of each? Because when we do that, we've pretty much run the gamut of what is available to us.
Storage
We all know how this works. In every house, the woman gets the bigger closet. Or she takes up more closet space. It's not a complaint. It's just the truth. My wife has more stuff than me, so it's only fitting that she get the bigger closet. That being said, how is a guy supposed to cram a dozen (or however many would be "acceptable") pairs of shoes into his small closet? Be honest, ladies. Even if you want your man to expand his shoe collection, you don't want it to expand into your closet space. Think about that. If we bought shoes like you ladies do, we might have to move our shoes into your closet. And that would mean war. So in the interest of maintaining peace, I contend that it actually behooves you ladies to have a man with a limited shoe selection.
Importance
This is not breaking news by any means, but shoes are important to chicks. A group of you ladies will take pictures of your shoes to share with your other friends. You will go shopping with one of your girlfriends and when you look at any pair of shoes, you will discuss what you can wear that pair of shoes with because your girlfriend knows your wardrobe as well as you do. (I know. I've heard it.) You notice the shoes of everyone at work and you know the other ladies in the office are critiquing your shoes. (You can admit it. You might feel better if you do.) Can I let you in on a little secret? The last time I noticed another dude's shoes was probably...never. I don't have to worry what that one dude from marketing thinks about my shoes because he probably didn't notice them. Yes, I know it's hard to believe. But it's true.
I doubt that I have baffled my wife (or any other woman, for that matter) for the last time (even about fashion). In any case, maybe (but probably not) this helps to clear up the great shoe debate for every lady that is befuddled by her man's distinct lack of shoes.

Hear me on The In Show with Gus Summers

I've got another interview lined up. Tune in to The In Show tomorrow (8 December) from 1 to 2 PM PST to hear an interview with yours truly about Uncle Sal, the universe, and everything.

Game of the Century, Part II

Am I surprised that the BCS championship game is a rematch of LSU-Alabama? No. I predicted this probably six to eight weeks ago. Appalled? No. The I am so used to the B(C)S that I don't think I have the capacity to be appalled or outraged by anything that happens with it. Am I going to watch? Ummmmm...no.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I could change my mind in the 12 weeks between now and the championship game? What's that? It's only five? Well, it will seem like 12 hearing all the ESPN talking heads blather on about the greatness of the SEC. I know what else you're thinking. you're thinking if I'm really a college football fan, I'll tune in. I do like college football, but I am not watching an all-SEC championship game. Why? For the same reason that I don't watch any SEC regular season games. I simply don't care enough about any SEC team to watch this game. I don't like or hate either team enough to tune in. I'm sure I'm not alone. I'm sure that championship game or not, a lot of people who don't follow SEC football won't bother to watch this game.
And who can blame us? These two teams met earlier this year in the game of the century. I didn't watch a minute of that game of the century, and didn't miss a thing. And let's face it, the sequel is never as good as the original. Here are a couple games that intrigue me more than the BCS championship.

Wisconsin v Oregon (Rose Bowl)

Oklahoma State v Stanford (Fiesta Bowl)

Ohio State v Florida (Gator Bowl)

Michigan State v Georgia (Outback Bowl)

At least that season of Buckeyes football is over

Well, thank goodness that's over. Rather than give you my usual write-up, I will just hit some high (or low) points of the season that was.

With two kids less than three years old, I didn't have a lot of time to invest in this team. Thank goodness.

After a whole season, I don't feel like I know any more about this team than I did on day one. For example, is this the team that was good enough to beat Wisconsin or the team that was bad enough to lose to Purdue?

The previous point goes especially for Braxton Miller. I have no idea what the Buckeyes have in this kid. The guy's first season was essentially wasted because the coaching staff obviously didn't trust him enough to throw the ball more than a dozen times a game.

Hopefully, we'll never have to see that high school offense again. (Let's face it. It wasn't even a good high school offense.)

If college football worked like Major League Baseball, Jim Tressel would retroactively be named coach of the decade.

Luke Fickell will take the fall for this season, fair or not. Yeah the team stunk, but the guy was thrown into the fire, replacing a legend and not playing with a full deck. It probably would have been hard for any first-time coach to succeed in that situation.

Going into the game against scUM, I know how Wolverines must have felt anticipating The Game during the Rich Rod era.

Next year can't be any worse.

Another trivia contest

It's time for another Uncle Sal trivia contest. Go to the Uncle Sal Chronicles Facebook fan page and answer the current trivia question. The first to answer correctly gets a copy of Stocking on Levin's Floor.

Guest reviewer on 3 Guys 1 Movie - Martha Marcy May Marlene

The good folks at 3 Guys 1 Movie asked me to be a guest reviewer this week. Check out my review (as well as Adam's and Scotty's) of Martha Marcy May Marlene.

Hear me on Ms Danyelle Radio

That's right. I have another interview to let you know about. Tune in tomorrow (14 November) at 9 PST to hear me on Ms Danyelle Radio.

We're having a contest. Winner gets a copy of Stocking on Levin's Floor.

We are having a contest where the prize is a copy of Stocking on Levin's Floor. Visit the Uncle Sal Facebook fan page for details on how to win.

Boom Herron = Big Ten player of the year?

I am officially beginning the campaign for Boom Herron as Big Ten offensive player of the year. Crazy? Perhaps. But this is the way baseball writers work. Think about it. How many times has a baseball player won the MVP because his team was utterly lousy when he was out of the lineup. So I present this case. In two games with Boom Herron, the Buckeyes have defeated two ranked teams. In doing so, Boom Herron has averaged 137 yards per game and nearly 5 yards per carry. Therefore, I present to you Boom Herron as the Big Ten offensive player of the year.

Stocking on Levin's Floor (volume 3) is available now

Stocking on Levin's Floor (volume 3 of the illustrated Uncle Sal Chronicles) is now available on:
Amazon (US, UK, Germany, and France)
Barnes and Noble
Lulu (PDF version - no tablet required).
Get your copy today. It's only $7.49.

Volume 3 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles will be available soon

That's right, Salcoholics. Volume 3 of the illustrated Uncle Sal Chronicles is almost finished and it will be available real soon for Kindle, Nook, and iPad with the Kindle app. Don't have a tablet? Don't worry. The book will also be available on Lulu (like A Gopher I Couldn't Defuse). Look for Stocking on Levin's Floor in the next week or two.

Buckeyes 17, Fighting Illini 7

Photo of John Simon by Neal Lauron

I missed most of the first half of this game. Fortunately, there wasn't much to miss.
The Good
Offense
Well, it was good to see Boom Herron back on the field and the guy answered the bell with 114 yards. Overall, the Buckeyes had 211 yards rushing, which means that the offensive line did its job and Herron wasn't the only one running well. You might wonder why I would think that only four pass attempts is a good thing. Maybe it's a little extreme, but it was probably the right decision for this game. Champaign had some 20 mph winds and if you have ever been to Memorial Stadium, you know that is one drafty barn. With the pass blocking, the young quarterback, and the wind, running the ball 51 times was probably the right move.
Defense
The Buckeyes locked down the Illini offense. John Simon had a great game. He seemed to be in the Illini backfield as much as the Illinois tailback. Jonathan Hankins also had a great game. You really can't complain about the defense in this game.
The Bad
Offense
It was definitely good to see Herron back on the field, but I would like to see Carlos Hyde get more than three carries. The offensive line allowed four sacks. But then, we know what to expect from the pass protection with this team.
Defense
Aside from a really stupid penalty by Bradley Roby, I can't think of anything to put here.
The Ugly
Let's face it. This game isn't going into the vault as an instant classic. I don't think I need to be more specific than that. Other than the game itself, I would say the officiating falls here. The left tackle for Illinois must have held on every play. That's not unusual, but this guy would grab handfuls of the back of the jersey of whomever he was blocking. Even if the defender changed direction to make it obvious that he was being held, the refs didn't call it.
Schwinderjection
Here is an unexpected stat. The Buckeyes threw half as many passes in this game as Georgia Tech against Virginia. Let that one sink in for a moment. Watch for the Buckeyes to spring a Hawai'i-style passing attack on the Badgers. Fickell's just been giving the old rope-a-dope.
Under the Radar player of the game
John Simon, Bradley Roby, and Jonathan Hankins all deserve mention here and any one of them would be a solid choice. However, Tyler Moeller forced the fumble that led to the Buckyes second touchdown and that is the epitome of what earns this award.

new products in the Zazzle store

Salcoholics, two new bumper stickers are available in the Groovy Rutabaga store at Zazzle.com. You can declare to the world that you got smashed at The Crow Bar or crabs at A Boy Named Sushi.

Throw the ball stop

Esteemed members of The Ohio State University football coaching staff,
The other day in between dances at the local gin joint (I was twirling with a dame called Myrna. She's a dynamite jitterbugger, I can tell you that), my friend Cyrus told me about something new he and his mates are doing on the gridiron. He called it the forward pass. It sounded pretty batty to me, so I asked him to explain. When he told me how the whole thing worked, I said, "You're talking through your hat, chum."

"Come out to the gridiron and see for yourself. You'll see. This forward pass is the bee's knees. Hey, why don't you strap on a leather helmet and join us. We could use a good wingback."

Well, I spent the rest of the night doing the jitterbug and the Charleston with some fabulous dames, but the next day, I was out on the gridiron. And you know something? Cyrus wasn't talking out of his hat after all. You see, what happens is the center delivers the ball to the quarterback. After the quarterback retreats a few steps (he's got nothing on my jitterbug, I can tell you), he throws the ball to a...I believe he's called a flanker. It's the cat's pajamas. I'll tell you. You really ought to see it performed. This forward pass could change the way football is played.
Sincerely,
Leo Porterhouse, avid gridiron follower

I want your submissions for volume 3 bonus material

Salcoholics, volume 3 is almost complete and I am giving you the opportunity to be a part of it. Like its predecessor, volume 3 will have bonus material. Here is your mission should you choose to accept it. Write some song lyrics or a letter swearing your devotion to Jellybean Merengue. Sketch (in pen or marker) your favorite Uncle Sal character. Buy some Uncle Sal gear from the Zazzle store and take a picture of yourself showing your Uncle Sal pride. You decide. Just make sure your submission has something to do with episodes 105 through 156 and submit it to me by the end of Friday 30 September.

Buckeyes 37, Buffaloes 17

It's not often you can describe a 20-point victory as forgettable, but I can't really think of a better word for that game.
The Good
Offense
Well, the running game certainly looked decent. Having two runners with more than 80 yards is never a bad thing. And I like Carlos Hyde. I wouldn't mind at all if he got more carries. He certainly is better than the last guy that wore number 34. The most amazing thing about the offense today? That's easy. Two touchdown passes. Think about it. One out of every 6.5 passes for Braxton Miller was a TD pass. And Devin Smith's second TD catch was a sweet one.
Defense
The defense was soild, especially on third down. Colorado converted only three third downs the entire game. In general the defense made the Buffaloes fight for every yard and certainly had Colorado in some tight spots as far as field position. I'm as big a fan of John Simon as I was last year.
Special Teams
Jordan Hall's 90-yard kickoff return was great. It wasn't very fancy, but he left a lot of Buffaloes in his wake.
The Bad
Offense
In the first quarter the Buckeyes had a first and goal and ended up settling for a field goal. This after a turnover and a run by Carlos Hyde got them into the first and goal situation. Look, I know a freshman quarterback was starting and that the leading running back and wide receiver are suspended, but HOLY COW! Throw the ball once in a while. Think about this. Brandon Weeden of Oklahoma State threw 60 passes against Texas A&M. How many games will it take for Buckeyes QBs to reach 60 pass attempts?
Defense
I'd like to see a little more pressure by the defensive line. It's true that Colorado had to fight for every yard, but I'd like to see the opposing QB being hit a little more.
The Ugly
Aside from Braxton Miller's completion percentage there isn't a whole lot to put here. I certainly hope it's not the case that the Buckeyes throw the ball infrequently because Miller's completion percentage leaves a lot to be desired.
Schwinderjection
What's this? Am I watching an Army game?
Under the Radar player of the week
In a game like this, it's hard to pick a UtR player of the game. There weren't really any critical plays in the game because the Buckeyes were always in control. Maybe it's a cop-out, but loyal reader I will leave the UtR player of the week to you. Who do you think deserves it?

Uncle Sal is on vacation

Loyal reader, it occurred to me today that while I have taken a hiatus from writing new Uncle Sal episodes, I never announced it here. I'm not saying I've written my last episode of Uncle Sal, but after four years it was time to take a break. But here's the thing. I am currently working on volume 3 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles. And I am willing to accept ideas for new episodes of Uncle Sal that can be included in volume 4.

Buckeyes 42, Zips 0

First I take a hiatus from writing new Uncle Sal episodes and now, loyal reader, I have to let you know that I didn't catch any of this game. No, I am not turning my back on the Buckeyes because of the "improper benefits" situation. It's just not as easy for me to fit the games into my schedule. I will say one thing about this game. Jake Stoneburner had more TD catches in this game than I think all tight ends had in the entire Tressel regime.

Uncle Sal and the Prospective Parent (Episode 208)

Inside A Boy Named Sushi, Uncle Sal removed his Lehigh Valley IronPigs baseball cap and slid in across from Giacomo, whose new girlfriend Lindy had just gone to the restroom. He didn't get a long look at her, but saw enough of her bustline to know that she fit Giacomo's type.

"Nice lookin' girl...what I saw of her anyway."

"Yeah, only I'm a little worried about something."

Uncle Sal flagged a waiter and ordered a large bottle of hot sake that they could share. "What's worryin' you?"

"Well, maybe it's nothing, but we were out walking the other day and we passed one of those people that will paint your name on a grain of rice."

"That don't sound like nothin' to worry about," Uncle Sal said as he picked up some chopsticks , then took a shrimp and a piece of gari and put them in his mouth.

"That in itself isn't what worries me. Lindy goes to the guy and she says she has a special request, only she doesn't want me to hear it. So she makes her request and the guy says it will take 20 minutes. I try to convince her that we should keep walking and come back. She says she's not in any hurry and that we can wait. Well, sure enough after 20 minutes, the guy hands her the grain and she puts it directly into her locket."

Giacomo sipped some sake from his cup and wiped his mouth with a linen napkin. "I asked her if she could tell me what he painted for her and she kept refusing. So one day when she was in the shower, she left her locket on the dresser, I opened it up. It didn't seem like a big deal. Then the next day she left her computer open and I could see that she was browsing baby name websites. Well, that got me to thinking and I did some research. The thing on her grain of rice is a bullfrog. And you know what the frog symbolizes? Fertility."

Uncle Sal sipped some hot sake and chased it with a Japanese beer. "Oooh. Then I guess you do have some things to be concerned about."

"I'll say. I mean, we've been dating a couple weeks and she's already looking for baby names."

"And Lindy's pendant is a frog on rice."

This episode featured:
Makhtar Denka as Uncle Sal
Tony Catecuhtli as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the gari.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Nobody makes a fool of my family without my help."

Uncle Sal and the Intrigued Interviewer (Episode 207)

Uncle Sal entered Rock Around the Cocktails, removed his Round Rock Express baseball cap and scanned the place for the reporter who was interviewing him for the local paper. The reporter said he would be reading a biography of Joe Strummer. After a moment, Uncle Sal spotted the only person reading and made his way to the table.

The reporter looked up from his book and said, "Sal? Andrew Sweet. Boy, it sure is a pleasure to meet you. I can't believe I get to pick the brain of the most interesting man in town."

Uncle Sal shrugged and ordered a boilermaker from a waiter who wore a big button that read WHAT WOULD BUDDHA DO? on his vest.

Andrew Sweet started his digital voice recorder and said, "Let's just jump right in. I know you have had a wide variety of jobs in your life. Which was the most interesting?"

"Well, Andrews, as you know I was on the police force. They ain't too many dull days when you're a cop."

Uncle Sal's beer and shot of whiskey arrived. He dropped the shot glass into the pint glass, drank it down and quickly ordered another beer.

Sweet probed Uncle Sal's work history and Uncle Sal and was beginning to think there was no job Uncle Sal hadn't held. "Before I move on to something besides your work, let me ask you one more thing. What did you think you'd be doing when you were a kid?"

"Andrew, I'll tell ya. My first job was fixin' fences. I was 14 at the time and learned from a man in town how to fix any kinda fence. You know, things like rabbits and gophers can really do some damage to a fence. And when it happened, people would call my boss. He was usually playin' golf or sump'n so he'd send me. It was good work at that age. I could still prolly fix a fence, not that I'd want to."

Uncle Sal sipped from his bottle of Spud's and said, "Ya know what my next job was after that? Tow truck driver. I started doin' that shortly after I got my license. and it was pretty good money, especially for a teenager. But then ya get that call at 2:30 in the mornin', let's just say that ain't too great, bein' on call when people hit some bad luck."

"So those were your first two jobs? But you never figured you'd be stuck in either of them?"

"No, I sure didn't. I guess ya could say I learned pretty early on...neither a car tower nor a mender be."

This episode featured:
Franklin Benz as Uncle Sal
Richard Bonhomme as Andrew Sweet
and
Jellybean Merengue as the biography of Joe Strummer.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Keep bats warm. Gracias."

Uncle Sal and the Near-perfect Nymph (Episode 206)

Uncle Sal arrived at Giacomo's and removed his Montgomery Biscuits baseball cap. He had only taken three steps inside the place when Giacomo's new girlfriend Janet came from the kitchen. She wore a blue gingham crop top and a white apron that was longer than her denim miniskirt. "It's so nice to meet you! I fixed you a drink. I know you like whiskey, but I make a mean Cape Cod. I should. That's where I grew up."

Uncle Sal accepted the drink and walked to the couch where he removed the lime from the rim of the glass and squeezed it before he took a sip. "That's a nice stiff drink. Thanks." He wasn't sure if she heard because she immediately headed back to the kitchen.

Moments later, she returned with a platter. "Try these crab puffs. I made them myself. It's another thing we love on the Cape."

Uncle Sal popped one in his mouth and chewed it. "That is delicious!"

"Well, if you think that's good, just wait until dinner. We're having some chowder, gratin dauphinois and a salad with a raspberry vinaigrette that I also made myself."

"I can't wait," Uncle Sal said as he reached for another crab puff on the platter.

Janet kissed Giacomo and said, I'm going to get a couple beers from the cooler outside. You don't have to do anything but sit there and talk with your uncle."

"Sure thing, babe."

When she closed the door for the back patio, Uncle Sal said, "Giacomo, where did you find this woman? She has beer on ice, a drink for you when you walk in the door, she's a great cook, and she's gorgeous. This is the marrying kind."

Giacomo sipped his Cape Cod and sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"Don't tell me you've found some flaw in her?"

"She is great. I mean, her cooking is amazing. And yeah, she makes a nice drink. She is easy on the eyes and knows how to treat a man, but..."

"But what?"

"Well, it's just she's always talking about the Cape. People there are nicer. Restaurants are better. Sunsets are more beautiful. No matter what we do or where we go, it's not as good as the Cape. It's a drag. I don't know how much more of it I can stand."

Uncle Sal took a long drink from his glass. "Unbelievable. You've hit the lottery and that ain't good enough for ya. I can't believe you're already thinkin' about your escape from the Janet of the Cape."

This episode featured:
Ezra Zaius as Uncle Sal
Cornelius Taylor as Giacomo
Zira Nova as Janet
and
Jellybean Merengue as the platter.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If this is the best they've got around here, in six months we'll be running this planet."

Uncle Sal and the Disinformed Donor (Episode 205)

As Uncle Sal, Giacomo, and Helmut Trickle (the designated driver) walked toward the exit of the whiskey tasting, Helmut looked at the rye booth and took a long look at a bottle of rye with a picture of a rooster on it.

Helmut said, "Oh, you know who would love this?"

"Nils Gish," Uncle Sal answered.

"That's right. He..."

"Yeah, I know. He collects rye. I been in his rye cellar. He's prolly got about 50 bottles down there. Gives me a different sample every time I see him."

"You think he has one of these? I'm thinking maybe I'll take him one." he asked, pointing to the rooster.

"Prolly. I didn't catalog every bottle. But I would say don't buy it for him. It ain't like he needs it. Ya wanna buy a bottle of rye for someone, buy it for me. I only got one half-empty bottle in the cabinet. Give to the needy, not the greedy."

Uncle Sal pulled his Lowell Spinners hat on and turned over his Creedence Clearwater Revival tape as Helmut started the car. Before he shifted the 8-ball gearshift, Helmut offered some ostrich jerky to Uncle Sal and Giacomo. He navigated the car out of the parking lot and when he turned on to Copperhead Road, they passed a 1968 Ford Econoline van on cinder blocks. The dashboard held a FOR SALE sign. The side of the van was decorated with an airbrush painting of Betty Boop with a grossly exaggerated bust and a skimpy bikini.

"Would you look at that?" Helmut said.

"That's sump'n else." Uncle Sal answered. "I ain't seen a van like that for a long time. 'Specially not with that kinda paint job."

"You know who would like that? Sid Grumman."

"Grumman?"

"Yeah. Nobody likes to work on vans as much as he does."

"I don't doubt Grumman could get that thing offa cinder blocks. He's a wizard. And if he didn't like the paint job, I'm sure he'd come up with sump'n good there too. But he's already got two vans in his garage and one in his driveway. He ain't got room for anymore, 'less he opens up his own shop."

"I just thought..."

"Yeah, I know. You were thinking you'd tell Grumman about it. See what he could do with that beauty. It's a nice thought, but I'll tell ya...Grumman needs a van like Gish needs a rye, Trickle."

This episode featured:
Butch Femmstein as Uncle Sal
Fillmore Steinem as Giacomo
Roderick "Gitter" Dunn as Helmut Trickle
and
Jellybean Merengue as the FOR SALE sign.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Wait! Where are you going?... I was going to make espresso!"

Uncle Sal and the Salty Split (Episode 204)

Inside the Salvador Deli, Uncle Sal removed his sedge hat and spotted Giacomo in a booth. Above the booth was a stuffed beaver on a tricycle. The beaver held a fan paintbrush under his front teeth and a pizza pan on his tail.

Giacomo had a pint glass, one empty shot glass and one shot of whiskey in front of him. "Getting it going early today, eh Giacomo?"

"After the discussion I've just had, I need it. My friends sure know how to put on the drama." A waiter in a Nehru jacket came to the table and Uncle Sal ordered the same that Giacomo was drinking.

"My friends Juan and Lulu..." Giacomo sipped his shot of whiskey. "They've been at it for months now, going back to St. Patrick's Day. Juan had a little too much to drink. He said some things he immediately regretted. She threw all of his clothes out on the lawn and his keys into the bushes. Since then, they've been on and off. He says something stupid. She kicks him out. He does something sweet and she takes him back."

Uncle Sal was beginning to see why Giacomo was taking such a heavy dose of alcohol.

"So Juan calls me today and tells me it's over for good. No going back now. She saw him with another woman and even though she and Juan were technically on a break, Lulu got jealous. Not that she asked who the woman was. She just went right into argument mode. She said she was going to her sister's place for a while and when she returned his stuff better be gone, or she would throw it in the fire pit and get rid of it there. Well, Lulu has this trunk that's been passed down from her grandma. It's beautiful, all oak. It would probably fetch a lot of money on one of those antique shoes. Or it would have before today. Juan told me that after she left, he went up with a green permanent marker and drew shamrocks all over the thing."

Uncle Sal sipped his Spud's and said, "I guess he's right. There's no way they're getting back together after Juan drew clovers on Lulu's chest."

This episode featured:
Lochlan Nicholson as Uncle Sal
Nollaig Ratched as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fan paintbrush.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Who would have thought that dolphins could go bad and that fish were magnetic?"

Uncle Sal and the Ejected Ecclesiastic (Episode 203)

Uncle Sal removed his Skoal Bandits trucker cap as he entered I Pity the Pho for lunch with Sister Mary Evelyn. He saw the booth where she was seated and slid in across from her. He quickly ordered a 33 beer and a shot of Son Tinh. Mary Evelyn as always looked a little frazzled.

"Whatsa matter, sis?"

She sighed and said, "It's another shakeup at the church."

Uncle Sal moved a bottle of fish sauce to the side of the table and prepared for what he assumed would be a long story.

"You know Father Mackenzie was the priest. And he was really good. Everybody loved him. Well, almost everyone." Without even realizing she was doing it, Mary Evelyn turned her rosary in her hands. The Kohrs, Bill and Ethel, they felt like Father Mackenzie was getting a little too liberal. He had a Democrat's bumper sticker on his car and actually hinted in his sermons that maybe Americans are a little too uptight about things like marijuana. His example was a devoted churchgoer who needs medical marijuana. I believe his quote was, 'How can something be bad if it helps a righteous person?'"

Uncle Sal nodded as the drinks were set in front of him. He poured the 33 into a glass and took a long sip, leaving some foam on his lip.

"That was pretty much the last straw for him. The Kohrs give a lot of money to the church and they lobbied the parishioners and the diocese to find another place for Father Mackenzie. So the diocese did just that. And they brought in this Father Olczyk. He's a terribly nice man. He's the kind of guy that if you have a flat tire, he'll stop and help you change it. Or give you part of his lunch if you don't have enough money to buy your own."

"Sounds like a pretty good guy."

"He is. The thing is, he's just very boring. They wanted someone conservative and that's what they got. His sermons are...I'll just say it's not easy to stay awake. I don't know if it's his mellow tone of voice or his topics, but he has a hard time holding my interest. Father Mackenzie's politics didn't bother me. I wish we had him back."

"I can see that. Too bad the church chose the darn bore after the Kohrs revolted."

This episode featured:
Boniface McGee as Uncle Sal
Theodora Romana as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the rosary.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "People on 'ludes should not drive."

Uncle Sal and the Brobdingnagian Birthday Bash (Episode 202)

Uncle Sal and Alice got in the line for food at Bevon Bacall's Brobdingnagian Birthday Bash. Just about everything in Bevon's backyard was adorned with a submarine decoration. Uncle Sal speared a whole dill pickle with a plastic toothpick as Alice asked, "How do you know this guy again?"

"He's in the Grackles."

"Isn't it kind of weird to have a theme? I mean, it's like a kid's birthday party. What's his deal with submarines?"

Uncle Sal adjusted his Do It To It trucker hat "Yeah, maybe it's a little weird. Bevon's always sayin' that you got enough things weighin' ya down and makin' ya feel old, so ya might as well do whatever ya can to make ya feel like a kid again."

Uncle Sal piled some pastrami and pickled onions onto a hamburger bun, then spread a thick layer of pale ale mustard on top of it.

"As for the subs, he was in the navy. He spends a lot of time making scale-model subs. He's got 'em all over his house."

Alice and Uncle Sal drew closer to the dessert table. Alice pointed at a dessert shaped like the Washington Monument and asked. "What's with all the gelatin desserts?"

"Oh that. It's the only kinda dessert I ever seen him eat. Every year for the birthday bash, he asks people to bring their favorite gelatin dessert. People get pretty creative with the molds they use and the ingredients they put into it. See this one here?" He pointed to a gelatin dessert that matched the theme of the party. The mold for that one was a gift from me and a bunch of the other Grackles. Custom-made of course, from a shatter-proof kinda plastic. As long as he don't lose it, he should have it a long time."

Alice looked appalled. "Really? That's what you got him for his birthday?"

"Yeah. Pretty great, ain't it? A bunch of us chipped in and we all give 'im a Jell-o® submarine."

This episode featured:
Wilbert "Wiggles" Wigginton as Uncle Sal
Beverly "Sweets" Sauer as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Washington Monument dessert.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Put on your camo cuz you gotta blend into nature."

Check out my interview with the one and only Mojo Nixon

I have been a fan of Mojo Nixon for a long time. He is truly one of my favorite musicians. Recently, I had the opportunity to interview Mojo for Examiner. It was truly the highlight of my professional life so far. It is a lengthy interview, but he gave a lot of great quotes. This ranks as one of my favorite interviews. Check it out.

Uncle Sal and the Alesmith Applicants (Episode 201)

At the summer solstice skinny dip, Uncle Sal filled his cup from the keg of Spud's while Alice did a cannonball into the pool and overturned someone who had been floating on an inflatable ring shaped like a giraffe. When his cup was full, Giacomo and his new girlfriend Jordana came to fill their cups. Uncle Sal thought that bringing Jordana to a skinny dip party might have been the smartest thing Giacomo ever did.

"Hey Uncle Sal! Great party, isn't it?"

"Beer, barbecue, music, skinny dippin'. I don't suppose you could ask for much more."

"Did you see the story about Spud's in the paper today?"

"No. My paperboy has gotten really good at throwing my newspaper on the roof."

Giacomo, Jordana, and Uncle Sal moved toward the grill where Uncle Sal used the tongs to heap a pile of sauerkraut on his Chicago dog.

"Spud's apparently is going to try some craft brews and they have two finalists for the job. One is Fergus Bass. He used to work at Strange Brews so he does a lot of exotic things with his beers. He's not afraid to add some herbs or spices to his beer that are pretty unusual beer ingredients. Remember that stout he did with the star anise?"

Uncle Sal watched as Alice and someone he didn't recognize batted a beach ball back and forth in the pool. "Yeah, that was a good one."

"The other candidate for the job is Howard Thames. He used to work at Kodiak Beers. He does a lot of English ales. He does some American styles too. He used to brew the Freddie brown ale at Kodiak. Among others."

"That Freddie brown was always a good beer. Hard to go wrong with one of those."

"Exactly. He makes really good beers, but he's a total traditionalist. He figures people have been making beers a certain way for hundreds of years, so he doesn't need to change anything."

"Mmm-hmm. It seems to me that if you're going to branch out into something like craft brews, you might as well do something people can't get anywhere else. I hope they're pickin' Bass and shakin' Thames."

This episode featured:
Marco Spitzer as Uncle Sal
Butterfly MacGowan as Alice
Kadeem Gainer as Giacomo
Ruby Diver as Jordana
and
Jellybean Merengue as the beach ball.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She tried to sit in my lap while I was standing up."

Uncle Sal and the Extraordinary Evening (Episode 200)

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A little person dressed in a yellow and red Velcro suit screamed as he flew toward the mat covered with Velcro. The crowd cheered when he stuck to the wall about six feet off the ground.

"Sure was a good idea to come to this midget toss, Giacomo." Uncle Sal adjusted his Danville Braves trucker hat and took a long drink of Spud's from a red plastic cup promoting the fifth annual midget toss and crawfish boil.

"Yeah, this is always a good event."

The emcee announced the next contestant and a tall, dark-skinned man with a long ponytail stepped up to take his turn throwing a midget.

"Look at the size of that guy. He must be six-nine, two-fifty. And it's a bold man that can go around wearing only a loincloth."

"I know that guy. That's Crowfoot. He's 100 percent Cree Indian. I went to see my friend's band the other night. You met her. She's in Fun Buster and the Wet Blankets. Anyway, Crowfoot's band The Potato Chippewas was the headliner. Didn't know anything about the band but it mixes traditional Indian music with hardcore punk." Giacomo threw a pistachio shell on the ground. "So he says the band is going to do a cover song and asks if anyone in the audience knows the words to 'How Can I Say I Love You (with a Shotgun in my Mouth?' I was the only one that raised my hand, and he invited me on stage to come and sing it."

"That's something you won't forget easily."

"Yeah, and that's not all. Crowfoot's got this bassist in his band who just calls himself The Dave. He's written a book called The Punk Manifesto. He announced that he was going to give away a copy to anyone who could answer a trivia question that I happened to know. So there I am just supporting a friend's band..."

"And you end up with the band of the Cree and the tome of The Dave."

This episode featured:
Furley Banner as Uncle Sal
Gerhard Flagg as Giacomo
Jose Canusee as Crowfoot
Early Light as the midget
and
Jellybean Merengue as the loincloth.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Report back to me when it makes sense."

Uncle Sal and the Pressured Paramour (Episode 199)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo were joined in The Crow Bar by Julius Hudderslee. Uncle Sal removed his Descendents trucker cap from the stool next to him to make room for Julius.

"Why the long face, Jules?"

Julius ordered a white russian and said, "I gotta go to marriage class at St. Hedwig's."

Uncle Sal winced. "Well, no one says ya gotta go."

"Abbie does. It's the craziest thing. Abbie hasn't been to a Catholic church since she was old enough to decide she didn't want to go, but her mom is insisting we go to these marriage workshops because she wants to make sure we do things right. She's even going to sit in on the classes with us." Julius removed his glass from a Crazy Train coaster and took a long drink from his white Russian. "It's every Saturday for two months. This is the first one. Can you imagine? And you know what's the worst part? The classes are taught by a nun. A nun! What does a nun know about marriage?"

Uncle Sal shook his head and noticed an extra-large red thong hanging from the rafters of the bar. "Ya oughta come with us to the bikini mud run. Everyone who enters, even the guys, has to wear a bikini. And they serve pretty good beer there too."

"Don't tempt me. Besides, if I was about to do something fun, Abbie would probably sense it and find some way to put an end to it."

Uncle Sal popped a peanut butter pretzel into his mouth. "Look, Jules. Ya said this class goes on for two months, right? What happens if you skip one of them? I mean, it ain't like she's gonna call off the wedding, right? Besides, what's gonna be more memorable? A bikini mud run or some stuffy marriage class?"

"Well, there's no doubt the bikini mud run would be more fun and memorable, but...I'm gonna have to hear it from Abbie if I skip the first class."

"You only live once."

Jules knitted his brow and said, "I shouldn't."

"You don't want to go to that class. Why not do something you want to do?"

Jules remained tight-lipped.

"Three words: bikini mud run. Go on, shake the honey and nun."

This episode featured:
Steve Millevich as Uncle Sal
Mack Eagleton as Giacomo
Abney K. Dabra as Julius Hudderslee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the extra-large red thong.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If I had known it was going to be this kind of party I would have worn underwear."

Uncle Sal and the Brilliant Bootlegger (Episode 198)

Uncle Sal entered the wine cellar of his friend Brit Blessington and removed his Levi's trucker cap. "Heckuva setup ya got here. I never seen so much wine outside of a restaurant."

"I've been collecting for years. It's a labor of love. Here, try this." Brit opened a bottle of pinot noir and gave Uncle Sal the cork to smell. He then poured a splash into a glass and handed it to Uncle Sal.

Uncle Sal smelled the wine because he knew that's what he was supposed to do, but he didn't know exactly what he was supposed to smell. He sipped it and said, "That's pretty good. Smooth."

"That's from Slovakia."

The host led Uncle Sal through rows of bottles of reds, whites, and some wines that Uncle Sal had never heard of and couldn't pronounce. Finally, they came to a cask marked with three big black Xs.

"What's that one? Is that the strongest one in your collection?"

"No, that's for a very special customer. You know Nigel Colcroft?"

"Colcroft? Isn't he the guy that got sent away for embezzlement?"

"Exactly. And what do you think is the thing prisoners request most often, especially in a white collar prison? Aside from a willing female partner." Without waiting for Uncle Sal, he said, "Alcohol. These guys have been put away and they never get any alcohol to drink. So Nigel and I came up with a plan. Whatever is left at the end of a bottle, I pour it in here. When this is full, I get the wine to the prison. He sells this stuff to the other guys in the prison for whatever currency they use. He of course will pay me when he gets out in a couple years."

"You mean to tell me this guy is selling leftover wine to prisoners?"

"Absolutely. They don't care as long as it's alcoholic. It's the best they're going to get until they're out."

"Pretty clever. Who would have ever thought you could make a business just by putting all your dregs in one cask, Britt."

This episode featured:
Ed Riesling as Uncle Sal
Heinrich Gewurtztraminer as Brit Blessington
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cork.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "We ain't heroes. We're businessmen."

Uncle Sal and the Bewildered Bartender (Episode 197)

Uncle Sal walked into The Crow Bar and asked Kelly for a pint of Spud's. He put his Red Man trucker hat on the bar and said, "Whatsa matter, Kelly? You look like someone who just lost a puppy."

Kelly fiddled with her left earring and said, "It's men."

Uncle Sal wished he hadn't asked the question. He thought this might take a while so he ordered a shot of Bulleit to go with his beer.

"I just don't understand them," she said. "Like my boyfriend. You know him. Doug Peltz. Well, I got this shirt at a nice little boutique. It's a frilly long-sleeved white shirt. Really nice."

Uncle Sal sighed, shot his bourbon, and set the glass on the bar.

"It's the sort of thing I can wear on a night out with him. That's what I bought it for. But I came home from work one day and he's wearing it, just around the house. When I asked about it, he told me he likes it because it makes him look like a pirate. I'm dating a guy who likes wearing my clothes."

After pulling a pint for someone who had just walked in, Kelly poured the liquid off of one of the bar mats and said, "And then there's my band, Fun Buster and the Wet Blankets. We just auditioned drummers and it came down to two guys: Avery Hawkins and Phil Schott. Avery is perfect. He's been in punk bands before. He hits the drums hard, and that's what we need for our garage sound. Except the guys in the band outvoted me. Even though Phil is a jazz drummer, the guys chose him because they think his personality is a better fit. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. But I don't think he's right for our band. And ultimately I think we'll be looking for a drummer again in a few months." Kelly blew her bangs out of her eyes and sipped a beer of her own.

After a long sip from his pint, Uncle Sal said, "Well, I don't know if you can condemn all men just because you got Peltz in your blouse and Schott in your band."

This episode featured:
M. Emmett Marrs as Uncle Sal
Candy Rappeur as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the earring.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?"

Uncle Sal and the Misidentified Manager (Episode 196)

Uncle Sal had just put the second slice of bread on top of his roast beef and Nutella sandwich with extra horseradish when the doorbell rang. He opened it and saw the manager of the local high school baseball team Jules Dmietriewiecz.

"Hey Jules, how ya doin? I just finished makin' a roast beef and Nutella sandwich. Want me to make you one?"

"Umm...no thanks. I just need to borrow your drain snake."

"I left it over by the door for ya. Beer?"

"Sure. I'll have a beer."

Uncle Sal removed two bottles of Spud's from his fridge, opened them and handed one to Jules. After a sip, Jules said, "Sometimes all it takes to make you feel human again is a sip of beer." He fished his cell phone out of his pocket and said, "Hey, you know Tor Hammerstaag's wife Dagmar?"

"Sure, I know her. Nice lookin' woman, like a Scandinavian goddess."

"Maybe so, but I have questions about her brain. Listen to this."

Jules pressed a couple buttons on his phone and after a few seconds, Dagmar's voice came through. "Hey Pate, it's Dagmar. I just wanted to thank you so much for bringing your jambalaya to the school fundraiser. It was a big hit. And say hi to your lovely wife Della for me."

"Why'd she call you Pate?"

"As far as she knows, that's my name. She thinks I'm Tor's old golf buddy Myron Pate. I mean, I see her all the time at events where our kids go to school and she calls me Pate every time. Even when I'm wearing a name tag. I've corrected her myself. She's heard other people call me by my name, but it never seems to stick. It's so weird, like she has some kind of amnesia just about my name. She always remembers Della's name, but me..."

"Guess you'll just have to accept that you're always Pate with Tor's misses."

This episode featured:
"Hill" Billy D. Luxx as Uncle Sal
Dewey Frizzell as Jules
and
Jellybean Merengue as the drain snake.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I keep drinkin', but you're still ugly."

Uncle Sal and the Suspect Speculation (Episode 195)

Giacomo was already at the table in the Cocked-up Cafe when Uncle Sal walked in. Uncle Sal removed his I H8 Biebs trucker hat, wiped his forehead with a red bandana and went to the counter where he ordered a coffee with two shots of espresso. He sat down across from Giacomo who had just finished pouring some Kessler whiskey into his cappuccino.

"Hey Giacomo, how ya been?"

"I've been pretty good and I think I'm about to be doing a lot better. You know my friend Dwight Stanislaus?"

Uncle Sal sighed. "I think I know where this is goin'. What's Dwight's plan for makin' money now?"

"It's a restaurant."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes, then thanked the waitress who brought his coffee. Before he even tasted it, he emptied two miniature bottles of Jameson and one packet of sugar into it. "Giacomo, ya gotta know restaurants are a bad investment. Ya know how many of 'em go under in less than two years?"

"I know all that. But this restaurant idea is genius. It's a place where you can brew your own beer and make your own pizza. And the servers will all be young, attractive women wearing skimpy Catholic schoolgirl outfits. How can it miss?"

Uncle Sal rubbed the stubble on his chin. "What's the buy-in?"

"It's up to you."

"Well, it sounds like the sorta place I'd love to go to. Heck, I think it'd be a hit with any guy. Still, I don't know about it. If it was comin' from someone else, maybe I'd be more excited about it. 'Member when he got us to invest in Argentine cattle? Said it was a sleeper pick that a lot of folks was missin' out on. Well, it was a sleeper all right and it kept on sleepin'."

"Yeah, but...beer, pizza, hot chicks. It's got smash hit written all over it."

"I'm gonna have to think on it because I'm still kinda smartin' from the sly Dwight's past scheming."

This episode featured:
Francis Scott Kieszlowski as Giacomo
Nat Anthemms as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bandana.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Where do middle-aged women get all of them spice racks?"

Uncle Sal and the Haunted Huntsman (Episode 194)

Uncle Sal entered Rock Around the Cocktails and removed his Carlton trucker hat. As he walked toward his friend Seamus O'Haim, he saw the bartender touch a lit kitchen match to a drink and then set the flaming drink on the bar. Uncle Sal ordered two Grateful Deads, then sat on the stool next to Seamus.

"You all right, mate?" Seamus asked after he removed the See's Candies lollipop from his mouth.

"Feelin' pretty good. I already booked my deer huntin' trip for later this year."

"That's some advance planning. Deer season is still months away."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm going to a good spot, so I wanted to make sure I have everything in order early. It's this place in Pennsylvania, recommended to me by Ulric Gill."

Seamus sipped his Grateful Dead and said, "Gill? The albino?"

"He ain't an albino. Least he wasn't born one. What happened was this. Ulric was on his annual huntin' trip, but he and the other guys he was with, they didn't see nothin' for a couple days. Like the deer were hidin' from 'em. But they had the camp for an entire week, so they stayed." Uncle Sal took a big drink of his Grateful Dead, then popped a couple pistachios in his mouth.
Well, Ulric one day, he's gotta use the can, so he heads off into the woods with his book and toilet paper. As he's squatting there, along comes a buck. Now, you know what a rutting buck is like. Only one thing on his mind and he'll take anything close to what he's looking for. That buck charged Ulric, and Ulric with his pants around his ankles. Not for long of course. He hiked up his pants and started running away from that buck. I don't think the fastest man alive could have caught Ulric that day. He heads back toward the cabin and somehow he's able to stay ahead of that buck. He gets to the door of the cabin and tries the knob. He's too nervous, can't open the door. He tries again. Nothin' happens. So he turns with his back to the door, thinking this is the end. Well, before that buck could tear him to shreds, someone opened the door and Ulric fell right in. He just lay there catatonic on the floor for a good long while.

Uncle Sal checked the score of the Wombats game on the television above the bar. "He woke up the next morning, his hair was white and it don't matter how much time he spends in the sun. He stays white no matter what."

Seamus looked at Uncle Sal and said, "Are you trying to tell me..."

"That's right. It's the deer that made Gill chalky, Seamus."

This episode featured:
Arion Schlitz as Uncle Sal
"Milwaukee" Mike Barley as Seamus
and
Jellybean Merengue as the kitchen match.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey, Morrissey. Kiss my big hairy butt."

Uncle Sal and the Brainstorming Bluesman (Episode 193)

Inside the Turn Your Head and Coffee Shop, Giacomo brought two large coffees to the table. Uncle Sal topped his off with a miniature bottle of rye and Giacomo tipped a little Kahlua into his. Uncle Sal took off his Sturgis 2004 trucker hat and looked at the CD Giacomo had just removed from his jacket pocket.

"Who's that?" Uncle Sal asked.

"That's my friend Tu Nguyen. They had his CD up at the counter because he plays here pretty frequently."

"Yeah, what's he play?"

"Blues. Usually he plays a six-string, but sometimes he'll play a 12-string. He plays harmonica on some of the songs too."

Uncle Sal dunked his biscotti into the coffee and took a bite.

"And just look at the song titles." Giacomo handed the jewel case to Uncle Sal.

"Broken Shoelace Blues, Soggy Corn Flake Blues, My Steering Wheel's Too Hot."

"Isn't it great? That's what he does. He writes songs about every day things like that. In fact, when he does a show now he doesn't even make up a set list. He just asks an audience member to come up with a subject and he composes a song right there on the spot. And he records every show so he can add all these songs to his CDs."

"Pretty impressive. And you say he can do this about any topic?"

"Any topic."

"Maybe I oughta go to one of his shows. I gotta idea for a song for 'im. The other day, I went out to my car and saw that I had a flat. Had it towed to Manny's garage. Manny tells me there ain't just one but two nails in the tire."

"That would be perfect. I have no doubt he could write a song about that."

"I think I'll do that. I mean, I can sit here and talk about it, but from what you're tellin' me, only Tu can lament porous tires."

This episode featured:
Smokey Jackets as Giacomo
Mississippi Jacek Antoniewiecz as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jewel case.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I mean that Mendocino beano."

Uncle Sal and the Student's Shortcomings (Episode 192)

Dan O'Toole had just finished his lunch in the Salvador Deli. Even though Uncle Sal was still working on his pastrami and giant pickle, Dan asked for the check.

After a big sip from his Cajun martini, Uncle Sal said, "Whoa! What's your hurry, chief?"

"Unfortunately, I can't stay. I have to go to my son's school for a conference with his teacher. I don't know what's happened this semester. He's normally so good with math, but right now he's getting a D."

Uncle Sal removed a napkin from the shrunken head napkin dispenser and said, "Maybe it's the teacher. A good teacher can make a big difference. Like in the town where I grew up, ya basically had to go through a whole family of teachers, starting with Old Man Roy. He taught basic algebra. Before ya ever got to his class, ya heard about how he'd throw chalkboard erasers at kids in his class that talked too much. Then ya find out the hard way the first time one of them erasers conked ya in the ol' coconut. And if he ever caught ya chewin' gum in his classroom, he'd make ya scrape all the old gum wads off the bottom of every desk."

The waitress set the check on the table and after another sip of his Cajun martini, Sal continued. "Ya spent so much time being terrified of him, ya didn't really learn nothin'. Then the next year, ya got his wife for geometry. Nice lady, and nice to look at, but she ain't a good teacher. She'd explain sump'n and if someone asked a question about it, she'd explain it the same way. Finally, you'd get the son Kingsley for advanced algebra. He was a real good teacher. I mean, it ain't easy to make kids learn algebra, but he was always lookin' for ways to make math fun. First time in my life I got an A in math, mostly because the guy was nothin' like his old man."

Dan signed the check and said, "You may be right. Maybe this teacher just isn't getting through to him."

"See if he can move into a class with a different teacher. Ya never know who's gonna be able to reach a kid. Think about it. I had three teachers in the same family, but the only Roy who could ever teach me was the son of a creature, Dan."

This episode featured:
Dusty Trayles as Dan O'Toole
Hans Springfield as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the shrunken head napkin dispenser.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Are gringos falling from the sky?"

Uncle Sal and the Disappointed Debutante (Episode 191)

Uncle Sal entered Jungle Jim's Juice Emporium and ordered a Guava Smash. As he waited to receive the drink, he saw Shayna, the big Motley Crue fan he had once drawn in chalk.

He adjusted his CAMPEON DEL MUNDO trucker hat and said, "Hey there, Shayna. How ya been?"

She squinted at him and it took a moment for her to recognize who he was. "Hey! Sam, right?"

"Sal."

"I never pegged you for a juice sort of guy, especially after seeing all those Spud's beer signs in your basement."

"Well, juice is good too. Besides, between you and me, that Guava Smash goes great with a little rum." He removed a miniature bottle of dark rum from his pocket and gave it a little shake.

Shayna handed him his drink and informed her manager that she was going to have a smoke. She asked Sal to join her outside on the bench. "I have to tell you something. It's very exciting news! I've been invited to this formal gala and I'm telling you, from the invitation, it sounds like a real-life Cinderella sort of deal. All the women are supposed to show up in beautiful gowns. I haven't gotten mine yet, but I know I'm going to look for something emerald. Green just looks so good on me. I can't tell you how excited I am to go to this. I mean, isn't this every girl's dream?"

Uncle Sal tipped the rum into his cup and sipped it. He smiled at the taste, then grimaced when he realized he had set his foot in a wad of gum on the ground. He wondered how she could talk so much without breathing.

"And the men have been instructed to dress up too. The whole thing: tails, ties, top hats, I imagine I'll even see a few monocles. Wouldn't that be something? I don't think I've ever been around someone wearing a monocle. The only thing the men can't wear is spats. Apparently, the host wants to be the only one wearing them."

"Spats?"

"Yeah, you know those things men wear over their shoes."

"I know what they are, but that's a curious request. First of all, who wears spats anymore. Well, except for one guy. Say, who invited you to this shindig?"

"A very rich, eccentric man who calls himself Baron von Lowenstein."

"That's what I thought. Listen, I know you're excited, but I don't think you should go. This guy, the baron, he's not someone you wanna hang out with, from what I hear. All his life, everything's been handed to him, including the money to buy his mansion. He's got more money'n he knows what to do with and that's why he dresses like he just stepped out of an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. Spats are his trademark cuz no one else wears them. Thing I hear is, he invites people like you over just so he can make fun of them in front of his rich friends and business partners."

Shayna had just taken a drag of her cigarette and exhaled it in a loud breath. "Really? So I won't get the chance to be like Cinderella?"

"Nope. You've been invited as a patsy by the brat in the spats."

This episode featured:
Pete "Mr. Peanut" Gatsby as Uncle Sal
Odelia Barnes as Shayna
and
Jellybean Merengue as the wad of gum.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I wish I was as big as you, but not so stupid."

Uncle Sal and the Colossal Cabeza (Episode 190)

Inside the Root Hog or Diner Uncle Sal stirred his bloody Mary with the celery stalk and took a sip. As he added more pepper to it, he saw Giacomo enter with a newspaper under his arm. Giacomo hung his coat on one of the hooks by the door, then went to the table where a white Russian was already waiting for him. He took a big sip and said, "Boy they sure know how to mix a drink here."

"One of the best reasons to come here."

Giacomo unfolded the newspaper and said, "Have you seen this picture?"

"I don't bother much with the newspaper anymore, 'cept the sports and the comics. Say, did you see Pearls Before Swine today? Them crocs sure are funny characters. Uncle Sal quickly swatted at a fly that had followed Giacomo to the table, then looked at the photo. It showed a red-faced Mayor Spoonbill jogging in a sweatshirt. "Don't seem like too big a deal. I've seen lotsa pictures of the mayor on his daily jog."

"But did you look at the caption?"

Uncle Sal looked more closely at the picture, then read the caption. The writer noted that the hood had been cut off of the mayor's hooded sweatshirt and intimated that perhaps it had been removed because it didn't fit over the mayor's "oversized dome."

Uncle Sal shook his head. "Boy, I never woulda gotten away with that when I wrote for a newspaper. Back then, we had to write about actual news, not the size of someone's melon. This kinda stuff is part of the reason I don't really read the paper no more. Ya got all these problems in the city and this writer's got nothin' better to do than wonder does the mayor fit in the hoods."

This episode featured:
Eddie "Goober" Nader as Uncle Sal
Dean Honcho as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fly.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Mona Lisa was a man."

Uncle Sal and the Hopeful Hoopster (Episode 189)

Inside A Boy Named Sushi, Uncle Sal sat on his tatami across from Randy Osorio. "How've ya been, Randy?"

"I'm doing great!" Randy reached into his shirt pocket and removed a photo of a boy who looked about 15. "That's my sister's kid."

Uncle Sal removed his glasses from the pocket of his lime green guayabera shirt. He wished the guy would have had the decency to wait until some hot sake was on the table before bringing out the photo. "Which sister?"

"Loretta. Remember, she married Efrem Budal. The architect."

Uncle Sal glanced at the photo, then asked a passing waiter to bring some hot sake. Nothing like sushi and hot sake to precede a good afternoon nap.

"He's tall."

"Can you believe it? The kid has grown seven inches since Christmas. He's six-five now and he's probably not done growing. And you know what's the best part?"

Uncle Sal used chopsticks to pick up a gyoza that Randy had ordered and popped it into his mouth.

"Loretta wants me to practice basketball with him. It's been a while since high school, but I can still shoot the ball. And teach him how to get rebounds."

Uncle Sal chewed the gyoza. He remembered Randy's days as a power forward at the local high school, but didn't remember those days as anything noteworthy.

"I mean, just look at the kid. OK, he could stand to put on some muscle. But he's going to be bigger than almost every kid he plays against. If I teach him some good post moves, he could probably dominate those other kids. And then he might start getting some attention from colleges. Wouldn't that be great? My nephew playing big-time college ball?"

"Well, I don't know if he'll be interested in basketball. Or if he'll be any good. But he sure is a lanky Budal, Randy."

This episode featured:
Oscar Robertson Wilde as Uncle Sal
Simon "Spike" Krzyzewski as Randy
and
Jellybean Merengue as the tatami.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The world is your oyster. It's too bad you're allergic to shellfish."

Uncle Sal and the Shunned Statesman (Episode 188)

Uncle Sal walked to the counter of the body shop where the lowering springs on his Dodge Dart were being replaced. Giacomo looked at a blue pine tree air freshener, then saw the mechanic coming to the counter. His greasy work shirt had a patch above the pocket with the name Hung. Giacomo sipped his latte spiked with Kahlua and narrowed his eyes as Hung began to talk to Uncle Sal.

"Sal, good to see you. Your car is almost done. Just give me 15 more minutes to finish and clean up the car a little bit."

Uncle Sal sat down in one of the naugahyde chairs in the waiting area and opened a package of dried wasabi peas. As Hung went back to the shop, Giacomo asked, "Why does that guy look so familiar?"

"That's Hung Nguyen. He used to be on the city council."

"He didn't get re-elected?"

"Didn't even run. He got tired of all the political games. In the last election, three seats were open, including his. He was a pretty good city councilman, but you can never be too sure in politics. So, he goes around to the other members of his party, looking for endorsements. Ya know how it is in politics. Sometimes, it ain't about what a candidate stands for. It's about who he knows and who endorses him." Uncle Sal opened a can of Clamato that had been in his pocket and took a big sip. "Well, all of his allies said they would be on his side. They all swore they would endorse him. Only, he had the nerve to disagree with them on a couple issues. Well, a couple weeks before the election, he finds that all of his allies had endorsed him at first, but then changed their endorsements. They all got behind this hot new candidate name of Brandt Hartley. This kid, he's got the right education and everything. But more than that, he agrees with all of the people in his party, and he can be controlled a little easier than Hung ever could."

"Wow! So, just like that he's out of politics for good."

"Yup. He's just too honest. But I ain't complainin' cuz now he's the Nguyen beneath my springs."

This episode featured:
Harris "Boss" Tweed as Uncle Sal
Gerry Mander as Giacomo
Stump Fitzhume as Hung Nguyen
and
Jellybean Merengue as the air freshener.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Something stinks in suburbia."

Thanks to Jeff Johnson for inspiring the clincher in this episode.

Uncle Sal and the Tardy Tipplers (Episode 187)

Uncle Sal, Giacomo and Steve McCool parked the RV in the parking lot of the Grackles meeting hall, but didn't see anyone else who was supposed to join them in their trip to the beerfest at the brewery that was about 50 miles away.

Uncle Sal took a sip of rye from his UTSA flask and said, "Boy, I tell ya, I can't wait for this beerfest. I was reading about it and they're gonna have a whole tent for tasting scotch ales."

"Yeah. I read that there's going to be one beer made with macadamia nuts and chocolate. I can't say I've ever had a beer like that." Giacomo popped a piece of wintergreen gum in his mouth and started to chew."

"That does sound pretty good. Course as long as it's not some fizzy yellow beer, it sounds pretty good to me." Uncle Sal reached into the glove box, moved aside a 1973 road map of Pennsylvania, and removed a small bag of cheese crackers.

After 10 minutes, the others still hadn't arrived. "Who'd you say was gonna be drivin' us today?" Uncle Sal asked.

"Burt Van Rijn. Yeah, I mean, he doesn't drink so he's the perfect choice. All we had to do was pay for his ticket into the place."

"And who has the tickets?"

"Oh, Henry Jervis took care of all of that."

Uncle Sal took another sip of rye and said, "And he's bringing all the beer for the ride down, right? I mean, that's why we got the RV and the designated driver, right? So we could get warmed up before we even arrive at the beerfest."

"Yeah, Henry said he'd take care of the refreshments too."

Uncle Sal crumpled up the wrapper of the cheese crackers and said, "Well, I hope them guys get here soon. We'll look pretty silly sitting in the parking lot all day with no Burt, no booze, and no Jervis."

This episode featured:
Paul Anner as Uncle Sal
Porter von Lowenbrau as Giacomo
Phillippe Gueuze as Steve McCool
and
Jellybean Merengue as the map of Pennsylvania.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm more afraid of tetanus shots than Dracula."

Uncle Sal and the Cut-off Companion (Episode 186)

Giacomo and his new girlfriend Dara climbed into the Dodge Dart and Uncle Sal headed toward the Elvis impersonator contest at the fairgrounds.

Dara reached toward the front seat and offered Uncle Sal a pretzel flavored like Buffalo wings. He took one and popped it in his mouth. "Say, that's pretty good."

"Better than the place where we just ate. Have you been to Knuckle's Sandwiches?"

"No. No good, eh?" Uncle Sal asked as he glanced at the rearview mirror. He didn't like how closely the blue Honda was following him.

"Put it to you this way. It's kind of a high-end sandwich shop and they have a hostess seat you. But when we arrived, there was a pickle on my chair and the remains of someone's sandwich on the table."

"Sounds a little like this place I went to when I was a restaurant critic. Place where I ended up makin' a scene. I went with my friend Dee Guardia. We walked in and saw a June bug scurrying across the carpet. There was a bunch of lettuce under our table and some dirty napkins on our chairs. Dee tells me we should go. She don't wanna eat in this place. I told her that I was on assignment, so I had to review the place. Plus, they had great beer specials."

Uncle Sal removed a bottle of nasal spray from the pocket of his ocher guayabera shirt and put one squirt in each nostril. "Well, she sure took advantage of the beer specials. It's all she had. She protested eating anything there. I had some linguine with clams. It wasn't bad, but nothin' to write home about. None of the food was too spectacular. Plus, we noticed that the mess that had been at our table wasn't the only one. There were scraps and stains all over the carpet.
While I was eating my dessert, Dee ordered probably her sixth beer. The waiter said they couldn't serve her anymore. As I had been eating, her complaints about the place got louder and louder. He said she didn't need no more of them beers. She asked to see a manager and that's where it got interesting. There she is, berating the manager for being cut off. He's yelling at her, telling her she's had far too much already. Meanwhile, I'm yelling at the manager for the all the grime in the restaurant, telling him I wouldn't eat in his place again if someone dared me."

"Sounds like total chaos."

"I suppose you could put it that way. It was quite a scene when the guy refused Dee while I dissed his sty."

This episode featured:
Jimmy Henricks as Uncle Sal
Raoul "Purple" Haze as Giacomo
Gypsy Neptune as Dara
and
Jellybean Merengue as the nasal spray.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The whole family is a bunch of dangerous freaks...Most are ex-cons or junkies or deranged from inbreeding."

Uncle Sal and the Maltreated Mascot (Episode 185)

Giacomo entered Uncle Sal's house and said, "Hey, where do you want to go to lunch? I was thinking about Han's Soul Oh! I could go for some of those spice collard greens with bacon."

"Yeah, it sounds good, but I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't? Like something came up?"

Uncle Sal sipped his Irish rickey and said, "No. Nothin' came up. It's just, I can't."

"But I don't understand. I don't know anybody that likes soul food as much as you."

"Well, it's like this. I had a little bit of an incident there last week."

"An incident? What do you mean?"

"I went there with Alice last week. Ya know, Cindy DuValliere used to be in the otter costume outside the restaurant." Uncle Sal shook some hot sauce into the bottom of a glass, then poured top of it. He used his American College of Surgeons pocketknife to cut the foil off a bottle of rye, added it to the drink and handed it to Giacomo.

"She ain't the otter anymore. It's some guy. Anyway, Alice and I are heading into the place and he says, 'Hey baby! How 'bout you and I get together later?' Fer all he knows, she's my wife and he's just gonna approach her like that. Then he keeps goin' on. Wonderin' why such a good-lookin' woman is with me and not with a real man. As if a real man would ever be in a giant rodent costume. The guy just wouldn't shut up, ya know. Which is what he woulda done if he knew what was good for him. Finally, he said one thing too many and I gave him a good push. He fell right into the rosebush outside the restaurant. The owner tole me I don't need to bother comin' back. Ever."

"Wait a minute. You got banned from the soul diner?"

"Yeah, I got banned from the place and all because I shoved that flirty otter."

This episode featured:
Charles Rivers as Giacomo
Stan Delz as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pocketknife.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Real nice party. I see a lot of familiar facelifts."

Uncle Sal and the Loudmouthed Lightweights (Episode 184)

Uncle Sal walked into the Grackles annual Mardi Gras party and got a hurricane from the bartender. He spotted Giacomo at the other end of the bar. As he walked toward Giacomo, Uncle Sal removed two perfecto cigars from the pocket of his teal guayabera shirt and handed one to Giacomo.

"This is such a great bash," Giacomo shouted over the sounds of the zydeco music coming from the speakers. I hope the Grackles never stop having the Mardi Gras party."

"Yeah, it sure is a good one. Nothin' like knockin' back some hurricanes and dancing with pretty girls to zydeco music."

Uncle Sal removed his The Young Werewolves Zippo from his pocket and after piercing the top of the cigar with a golf tee (to bite off the end was crude), lit his cigar. After a couple puffs, he noticed a group of guys over in the corner. They were cheering one guy to chug a pitcher of beer, if you could call it that. It barely had more color than a glass of water. "Who are those savages? What kinda yahoo drinks light beer at a Mardi Gras party?"

"That's the Flegger brothers and some of their friends."

"Those are Dean's kids? Boy, how long they been drinkin' already? Look at 'em. They're all red and the brown-haired one looks like he's havin' a hard time standin'."

"Yeah, they volunteered to help set up, I'm assuming so they could start drinking before the party actually started. The thing is, these guys can't really hold their alcohol. I went to college with the brown-haired one, Damon, and I never saw someone throw up from alcohol so frequently. And yeah, his brother, I think his name is Dan, doesn't seem to be any better. Probably the best thing to do is to call a cab for those guys right now, before they get out of control and wreck something."

"Too late. Damon just fell into that potted ficus. Just goes to show you Fleggers can't be boozers."

This episode featured:
Carl Neval as Uncle Sal
Bon T. Roulee as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the potted ficus.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A word to the wise is infuriating."

Uncle Sal and the Winged Wombat (Episode 183)

Uncle Sal entered Joe's place for the weekly pinochle game, removed his wet two-tone wingtips and left them on the welcome mat that bore the message "Hi, I'm Mat." He slipped out of his Mackintosh, hung it on the hook by the door, and walked to the fridge. Joe shuffled the cards as Uncle Sal cracked open his first Spud's.

Settling into his seat, Uncle Sal said, "Didja see who the Wombats picked up in the draft?"

Joe shook his head.

"Dion Vine."

Joe continued to deal, giving no sign that he had ever heard of the player.

"It's Sweetpea Vine's kid. You know, the all-time stolen base leader for the Wombats. Remember how quick he was? He was able to stand up on second base before the catcher could even get the ball outta his mitt." Uncle Sal put a bleu cheese olive in his mouth and continued. "Well, they say this kid Dion is even faster than his old man. In his senior year of high school, the kid stole more than a hunnerd bases. And they don't play nearly as many games in high school. You know them guys say they can turn out the lights and be under the covers in bed before the room is dark? Well, this kid can flip the switch, read a chapter of a book and be under the covers before it's dark."

"Wait a minute. The Wombats just drafted this kid outta high school? What are you so excited about? The kid's never played against real good competition. And besides, he might blow out his knee and never do nothin' for the Wombats."

"What am I so excited about? Don'tcha see? What's the one thing the Wombats have been missin' all these years? A good leadoff hitter. They always get guys that try to hit home runs. They forget that a leadoff hitter is supposed to get on base and let the guys behind him drive him home. And now, the Wombats have a guy that can steal bases anytime he wants."

After a long pull from his bottle of Spud's, Uncle Sal said, "And they didn't just get any guy. They got the fleet child of Vine."

This episode featured:
Lou Brockman as Uncle Sal
Rick E. Hendrickson as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Mackintosh.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey! Ain't you that girl that hit the other girl in the face with your hair?"

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Uncle Sal and the Absconded Artist (Episode 182)

Inside Emerson's Boozer Uncle Sal had just tipped a little extra scotch from his flask into his smoky martini when Giacomo removed his phone from his pocket. At first, he laughed, then he went quiet. Uncle Sal took a big sip from his glass and said, "Whatsamatter, Giacomo? You look like you just got some bad sushi."

"You remember my old girlfriend Tricia? The one that made the Chewbacca bike?"

"Oh yeah! Nice girl. Very creative. And gorgeous."

"Well, she just sent me this message. The first thing I saw is this picture. His name is Guy Latune. I mean, just look at this guy." Giacomo handed the phone over and Uncle Sal looked at a picture of a man in a tank top with tattoos up to his neck. His hair looked like it was slicked back with about half a pound of pomade.

"Whoa! Will ya look at that guy?" Uncle Sal tossed a chipotle macadamia nut into his mouth. Emerson's didn't always make the strongest drinks, but it always had the best bar snacks.

Giacomo sipped from his Leafer Madness pint glass. "I know! I thought she was just sending me a picture of a guy she thought looks funny. But in the message, she says that's her husband. Her husband? I mean, I never thought Tricia was the type to get married, let alone to a guy who looks like that. She swears he's the best guy ever. I guess she would know better than me. But here's the capper. She said she knew the guy for six hours before they decided to head to Vegas to get married. She wrote how magical it was and that when they met, they just clicked. And now, she's living in an Airstream trailer in Wyoming. With that guy! She left her art studio behind and...Boy, I just can't believe..."

"That Trish ran away with Latune."

This episode featured:
Newsome Rimes as Uncle Sal
Arthur Diddley as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the phone.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "That's nonsense. I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the devil!"

Uncle Sal and the Converted Carouser (Episode 181)

Uncle Sal sat in The Crow Bar watching a college hockey game. He had just dipped a chip into his bowl of queso when Fred Crocker came and sat next to him. "Hey Sal, how ya been?"

Uncle Sal removed a bottle of ghost chili sauce from the pocket of his gold guayabera shirt and added it to the queso. "I been pretty good Fred. How 'bout you?"

Fred ordered a drink and said, "Yeah, I been pretty good too. Hey, whatever happened to that Guido Delfina? I ain't seen him in here in a while."

"He's at a monastery in Tibet."

Fred laughed for a solid minute before Uncle Sal said, "Why is that funny?"

"Why is that funny? Ya ever seen the guy in here? I never seen someone close a bar as often as he did. Always the life of the party. As long as they were still serving, he was still drinking. And the women. Boy, I never seen a guy hook up with as many women as that guy. I don't think he ever went home alone. You know, you almost had me going with that monastery gag."

"It's not a gag. He really did move to Tibet. Not surprisingly, a woman is behind the whole thing. He met this woman here one night and he was throwing all his terrible lines at her. She said the only way he could even think about getting anywhere with her was to go with her to a Buddhist retreat." Uncle Sal sipped his Spud's and watched as the new bartender tried to figure out how to turn up the television volume with the remote. "So he went. And he had some sort of epiphany. Decided to dedicate his life to Buddhism. And to show how serious he is about it, he moved to a monastery in Tibet where he gets two scoops of rice a day and spends almost every waking hour meditating."

Fred swallowed hard and looked at Uncle Sal. "You're really serious!"

"Course I am. I couldn't make this stuff up."

"It's just so unbelievable."

"It may be unbelievable, but it's true. Delfina is a monk, Crocker."

This episode featured:
Oswald Shin as Uncle Sal
Timofey Tendai as Fred Crocker
Tara Vada as the bartender
and
Jellybean Merengue as the remote.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The crazies got all the luck."

Uncle Sal and the Protean Performer (Episode 180)

Giacomo climbed into the Dodge Dart and said, "Thanks for driving to this burlesque and roller derby event. I can't believe you've never gone before."

"Yeah, I know. Two of the things I like most in life. Guess it always snuck up on me before, but this time I knew I had to leave my calendar open for it." Uncle Sal reached into the pocket of his tangerine guayabera shirt and removed two strips of dried meat. "Rabbit jerky?"

Giacomo reached for one and said, "Never had rabbit jerky before." He took a bite and washed it down with a sip of his energy drink. "Pretty good."

"Hey, I ever tell ya about the time I managed a guy who was an emcee for burlesque events?"

"No, I'm sure I never heard this one."

"Cyril 'Hunky' Hunkerton. One of the funniest guys I ever met, but he was so much more than just a comedian. He was almost like a one-man variety show. Well, I'd been managing him for a while when sump'n came along that was right up his alley. It was a variety show like ya never saw before. Jugglers, comedians, a live band, bellydancers, you name it." Uncle Sal took a gulp from his cup of iced tea. "Was run by an Englishman name of Lindsey Pennyfeather. Well, I went to see this Pennyfeather and let him know about his new employee. I sat down and told him I had a guy that was a knife-thrower, tightwire-walker, comedian, emcee. I ain't kiddin' ya, it took me fifteen minutes just to run down everything Hunky could do."

Giacomo told Uncle Sal to turn right at the next light.

"I got done with all of that, tellin' him I gotta variety show's dream, and he can have the guy for the right price. You know what he did?"

"No. What?"

"He just looked at me and said, 'That's all splendid, but can your Hunky do the bogs?'"

This episode featured:
Saul Brothers as Giacomo
Rufus Tomaszewski as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the rabbit jerky.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break."

Uncle Sal and the Factotum's Fish Fry (Episode 179)

At the Salvador Deli, Uncle Sal sat under a child's red wagon whose cargo was a stuffed muskrat with a monocle. He ordered a Melting Clock and a hot pastrami on toasted rye with extra mustard and a large pickle on the side. Uncle Sal slid a toothpick behind his ear and said, "Hey Giacomo! How ya been? Ya goin' to that tattoo convention this weekend?"

After a long sip of his Melting Clock, Giacomo shook his head no.

"No? Why not? I thought you loved seein' all them beautiful women with tattoos up to the neck."

"I do. And last year, the bands they had playing were awesome, but something came up."

"Sump'n came up? It must be pretty good if you're going to skip the tattoo deal."

"It is. Hey, you should come too. My friend Ya Wu is having a fish fry. He's the kind of guy that can barter for just about anything."

Uncle Sal received his drink and stirred it with a swizzle stick in the shape of a giraffe's neck. "Boy, they sure know howta make a drink here."

"They sure do. So, Ya Wu, he's always doing odd jobs for people. You know, he cleans their gutters, fixes garbage disposals. Things like that. The reason people always go to him is because he never charges money. He sometimes works for meals, or maybe he'll see something in the house that he likes and he'll find a way to barter for it. Like this one guy had a picture of Gerald Ford playing golf with the basketball coach from the university where Ya went. Well, Ya set that picture as the cost before he ever got to work in that house. Recently, this guy Rod Rigglevyk contacted Wu. Rod works at this seafood restaurant, so he always gets good fish. Plus, his cousin works for a beer distributor, so he always gets great beer."

Giacomo speared a deep-fried pickle with his fork and popped it in his mouth. "Ross took Ya down in the cellar where there was a leak. While he was down there, Ya saw a case of German doppelbock. He was just about to ask for that when Ross took him to the freezer and showed him some nice filets of sole he had received. Well, that settled it. Ya wasn't going to settle for just the beer. He set his price as the case of dopplebock and half of the fish. Really, you should come along. It's going to be amazing."

"Boy, that does sound good. I love a good fish fry, and the beer sounds great. We should be thankful that Rod gave bock and sole to Wu."

This episode featured:
Ray Sturgeon as Uncle Sal
Gino "Sockeye" Lapaglia as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the giraffe swizzle stick.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "What do you need a psychiatrist for? Everyone knows you're crazy."