Uncle Sal and the Misjudged Marlboro Man (Episode 51)

Giacomo arrived to take Uncle Sal to the dachshund races and as soon as he was in the car, Uncle Sal removed his sandalwood stovepipe hat and said, "What on earth is going on with that Cementhead Mitchell? I read inna paper that the Hill family wants to charge him with public indecency."

"It's totally bogus, that's what it is."

"It don't sound bogus from what they said inna newspaper."

"Well, when have you ever known the newspaper to give the real story? Cementhead told me all about it himself the other night at our bowling league."

Uncle Sal removed a packet of oyster crackers from the inside pocket of his Members Only jacket and offered one to Giacomo, who declined and continued his story. "See, Cementhead did the same thing he does every morning. He made some coffee and then took the cup of coffee out on the patio. He was in his boxers because he had just woken up, and because from what he's told me, he doesn't normally wear anything more than that around the house." Giacomo guided his car onto the freeway and said, "So there's Cementhead in his boxers on the patio, having his first cup of coffee and smoke of the day. And he did what a lot of guys do when they first wake up. With a cigarette in his mouth, he stretched and then he scratched himself."

"Scratched himself, is that all?"

"Yeah, that's all. Apparently the Hills are really conservative folks and the twelve-year-old girl Jill just happened to see Cementhead scratching himself. She told her parents and then her parents called the cops. All because Cementhead was having a smoke and scratching himself on his own patio. Like he's the first guy that's ever done that. OK, so maybe he could have been more discreet about it, but..."

"Sure, it's no big deal to most people with half a brain, but it's lewd to the Hills."

This episode featured:
Fred "Grizzly" Adamawiecz as Giacomo
Todd Recene as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the packet of oyster crackers.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Get a U-Haul full of souvenirs."

Uncle Sal and the Disgruntled Diner (Episode 50)

Uncle Sal had just hung his blackberry stovepipe hat on the rack by the door when he heard a knock. Giacomo stood there with a little wisp of a blond wearing a pale blue sundress.

"Uncle Sal, I want you to meet Ellen. Ellen, this is my Uncle Sal."

Uncle Sal shook her thin hand and felt like he might break it if he shook too hard. "You guys are right on time. I just got home myself and I'm gonna start cooking dinner. Fix yourselves a drink, and fix me one while you're at it."

Giacomo followed him into the kitchen to get some ice and a jar of olives for the drinks. "What are you cooking?"

"I'm gonna make some beef stew. "

"That sounds good," Ellen said, settling into one of the stools in the kitchen.

Uncle Sal looked her over. She was skinnier than Giacomo normally liked his girls. He wondered if one piece of beef, or even one piece of carrot would make her full. "I gotta tell ya, every time I make beef stew, it reminds me of this guy Bruce Neville. We went to this restaurant one time called The Bum's Steer. Bruce, boy could he eat. He ordered a big plate of steak fries covered in cheese, just as his appetizer and then for his entree he ordered beef stew. Well, he went through them fries like they was going out of style and then looked like he was gonna start gnawing on the table while he waited for the stew."

Uncle Sal started sauteeing the beef and Giacomo came into the kitchen with the drinks: martinis for him and Ellen and a Scotch neat for Uncle Sal. "Well, Bruce's stew finally arrives and he looks at it. Then he looks at the waiter. 'Excuse me. I ordered the beef stew.' The waiter looks right back at 'im and says, 'Sir, that is the beef stew.' Well, ol' Bruce wasn't gonna stand for that. He told the waiter it wasn't beef stew it was beef in broth with some undercooked vegetables. The waiter just kept telling him that he had the stew right in front of him. Well, that set Bruce off. 'This is supposed to be a restaurant that specializes in beef. And you can't even make a decent stew. Let me tell ya one thing, pal. I ain't payin' for this because this ain't what I ordered. Do I have to go back into that kitchen and make the stew myself?' On and on he went. He was ready to go into the kitchen and fight the cook responsible for making his food. In the end, he made such a stink that the manager of the place come out and told us the meal would be on the house."

"That's great! Ellen said."

"Sure, it was good that we got a free meal out of it, but that whole ugly scene could have been avoided if they'd just given the Neville his stew."

This episode featured:
Dirk Pugh as Uncle Sal
Sylvester Swanson as Giacomo
Ginger Seals as Ellen
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jar of olives.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Your new nickname is Flounder."

[20 July 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Miffed Mechanic (Episode 49)

Uncle Sal picked up Giacomo in his Dodge Dart and headed on his way to the Wombats baseball game. His sand-colored stovepipe hat nearly scraped the roof of the car. After only getting a block away from Giacomo's place, Uncle Sal saw a roadside assistance truck driver assisting someone with a flat tire.

"Look at that jack. Sure, they all look real pretty, but they sure don't make 'em like they used to. I knew this tow truck driver Vern Hamel. He drove a tow truck twenny years. Not only that, he had the same truck twenny years. Everybody knew ol' Vern's orange Ford truck. Well, it started out orange. But it faded over all them years of dust and sunlight. He had the same jack all that time too. Said if his truck or his jack ever gave out, he wouldn't be a tow truck driver no more."

Uncle Sal turned left to head toward the stadium. "Anyway, Vern gets a call one night. It's raining and some guy in a suit's got a flat tire. Well, you know, Vern's gotta do his job. He goes out to this dark road in the rain and he gets his gear from the back of the truck. Right away, the guy in the suit come outta his car with an umbrella. Doesn't offer to hold the umbrella over Vern, mind you. Well, this guy, Nelson Shaw was his name. Vern never forgot it because he never met anyone as annoying. This fella is talking the whole time Vern's getting ready to work on that big ol' Chrysler. Wasn't talking about anything interesting: his business, his wife, his kids. You know, all that stuff people can bore you with."

Giacomo adjusted his Wombats baseball cap and wondered where the story was going.

"So, Vern gets his jack under the Chrysler, cranks it three times and BOOM!" Uncle Sal slapped the steering wheel. "That Chrysler come right back down on the shoulder of the road. Well, that Shaw starts cussing a blue streak at Vern. Called him incompetent and said he'd sue if his car was damaged. Vern, he didn't care about anything the guy said. He just up and left the guy by the side of the road. And he was true to his word. He never drove a tow truck again because that was the Shaw that broke Hamel's jack."

This episode featured
Hugo Furst as Uncle Sal
Adam Assenmacher as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Wombats cap

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She has fingernails that shine like justice."

[12 July 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Problematic Prescription (Episode 48)

Uncle Sal sat next to Giacomo at the bar. His umber stovepipe hat rested beside his Scotch. A commercial came on the television behind the bar and Uncle Sal threw a peanut at the screen. "Dangit! I don't want to see this commercial. I hate the commercials for these dang male enhancement pills." He altered his voice, presumably to sound like someone taking the medication. "Lookit me! I take these pills and now I can throw a football through a tire swing." He sipped his Scotch and said, "It's disgusting! Can't go five minutes without seein' one of them commercials."

"I have two friends that were taking those things. Todd French and Todd Szymanski. They're actually roommates, so you can imagine the confusion they have with incoming phone calls." He took a drink of his ale and said, "At first they both thought the pills were great. They were, well, let's just say they were putting that medicine to good use. And they told me all about it, whether I wanted them to or not. Then French started complaining about how his vision was getting fuzzy. Said it was pretty gradual, but he was more than a little disturbed by it. He never wore glasses before in his life, and then one day he almost got into an accident because his vision was so fuzzy. A few weeks later, Szymanski starts complaining about a gradual decline in his vision. Same thing. Never wore glasses before."

"That's what happens when ya get older, Giacomo. Things don't work the way they oughta. Always seems to start with the eyes."

"Yeah, I know, but these two guys were both twenty-twenty. One time, French was driving at night and stood on the brakes to avoid hitting a rabbit. He had seen the car lights reflected in the rabbit's eyes. I'm telling you, it was something. Doctors started looking into it and they couldn't find any cause at first. They eventually eliminated all the possibilities except for one thing. They figured out that the two guys were losing their vision because of those pills they were taking. Do you believe it? They were getting more action in bed but giving up their sight for the privilege."

"Why the heck are those two guys taking the pills anyway? Are they old guys?"

"No, they're probably early thirties. But didn't you hear what I said?"

"Course I heard ya. You're telling me the pills of the Todds blind slowly."

This episode featured:
Early Hammer as Uncle Sal
Jesus Jenkins as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the peanut.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Why did Constantinople get the works?"

[6 July 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Hidden Habit (Episode 47)

Uncle Sal hung his periwinkle stovepipe hat on the hat rack and slid into the booth across from his sister. The bags under her eyes had grown since the last time she saw her. She stirred her tea with a Jimmy Carter spoon and barely looked up as Sal entered the booth.

"What's the matter now, Mary Evelyn? Every time I see you, you look like someone whose pet turtle just died."

"Well, it's that younger sister again. I mean, we had that problem with the...noises from her room. And then she just got sullen for a while."

"Yeah, yeah. And she wouldn't even play the weekly canasta game. What's she up to now?"

"Well, she might have worked her way right out of the convent this time. And it's too bad. She's got such a good heart."

"Maybe so, but without ever having met her, I'd say she's just too wild to be in a convent. But you didn't answer my question."

"Well, she got sullen for a while. And then, one day, she was back to normal. I don't know if one of the other sisters had a chat with her or what. But she was her usual happy self again. We found out this week why she's been so happy. She's been sneaking out at night. She won't say what she's been doing, but we can only imagine. Every night, she's been sneaking out and coming back in sometime early, and I mean early in the morning."

"I gotta say, I can't blame her. Prolly gets awfully stuffy in that convent, 'specially for a young woman. How'd she get caught?"

"We have this umbrella stand by the door, shaped like a cat. You know, it hasn't rained in a while so no one has needed to use it. Well, one night, Sister Mary Katherine came in kind of late. She couldn't sleep and she went for a walk even though it was drizzling. Well, when she put her umbrella into that umbrella stand, it didn't make the usual sound it makes when an umbrella hits the bottom. Sister Mary Katherine looked inside and she saw a habit. Well, this young sister, she's the only one small enough to fit in it, so..." Mary Evelyn's voice trailed off.

"That's pretty sharp. She was going out every night and when she came back, she'd pull her habit out of the cat."

This episode featured:
Dallas Royer as Uncle Sal
Claire Voyence as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Jimmy Carter spoon

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willets?"

[29 June 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Bizarre Bout (Episode 46)

Uncle Sal took his seat between Giacomo and Alice at the old Civic Arena for the evening's boxing match between Frankie "Thunder" Bolton and Tony Toluca. He placed his saffron stovepipe hat on his lap and opened his program. "Boy, I tell ya, Giacomo. This is gonna be one great bout. I'm glad you were able to get some tickets to this."

Alice held out her bag of popcorn and Uncle Sal took a handful. With a mouthful of popcorn, he said, "I ever tell ya about the craziest fight I ever saw?"

"You mean the one where your friend fought an orangutan in a bar?"

"No, not that one. I mean the craziest fight I ever saw between two humans. There was this guy PT Unterberg. He told everyone that the PT stood for Paul Thompson, after his granddad. Well, that didn't matter to us. As far as we knew, PT stood for Pretty Tall. he was prolly six-foot-ten and about three hunnerd and fifteen pounds. Ain't nobody wanted to mess with ol' PT, I can tell ya that. 'Cept for this one fella, and he was probably the least likely person you could imagine would want to mess with PT. This fella stood about five-foot-nothin'." Uncle Sal sipped his beer from the plastic cup. "Well at this bar, PT sees this fella and starts throwing peanuts at him. The little fella gets up, goes across the room, and he's got busted peanut shells in his hair. PT even landed one in the guy's shirt pocket. Well now, this fella stands in front of PT and says, 'You've been throwing peanuts at me, and let me tell you I ain't happy.'"

Uncle Sal took another handful of popcorn and washed it down with another swallow of beer. "I tell ya, I still don't believe what happened next. PT leaned way down, patted the little fella on the head and said, 'Which one are ya then?' Little fella gets so upset, he just bites PT's forearm. I don't hafta tell ya PT wasn't gonna stand for that. He just made a fist and conked that little fella on top of the ol' coconut and that guy just fell straight back onto the floor, out cold. That little guy, he only proved what the rest of us already knew: You can't bite Pretty Tall."

This episode featured:
Neil B. Formy as Uncle Sal
Grover Beard as Giacomo
Mollie Gee as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bag of popcorn.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I used to be with it, but now what I'm with isn't it."

[21 June 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Coat Caper (Episode 45)

Uncle Sal entered the Root Hog or Diner and saw Giacomo reading the newspaper in a booth. He had apparently gone back to his busty ex-girlfriend Alexa, who was seated next to him. Uncle Sal saw the comics section of the newspaper on his side of the booth and placed his canary stovepipe hat on top of it. He picked up a menu and said, "They got stuffed pork chops here? Boy, does that sound good. With extra gravy...mmmm."

Giacomo folded the newspaper and tucked it under his leg. "Did you read the newspaper today?"

"Naw, I normally can't be bothered. What's the news?"

"The police just cracked a case that was pretty ingenious. A couple guys started working at that fancy French restaurant La Grenouille Bleue. Apparently, it's where the highbrow crowd goes for their three-martini lunches and hundred-dollar entrees. It's always full of various entrepreneurs, CEOs and vice presidents. So, the coat-check guys see all these expensive coats, right? And they get an idea. I mean, of course they were rifling in the coat pockets. Even if they just find twenty bucks, they can pocket it and no one in that crowd is ever going to notice he's missing it. I mean, those guys probably blow their nose with twenties. Anyway, these coat-checkers decide that an extra twenty now and then is good, but they could do better. So they start moving the coats out the back door. Just once in a while, so it seems like an honest mistake. Now anyone that wants a designer coat and doesn't want to pay full price, they see these guys and get it for a fraction of the cost. The problem came when they tried to move a twenty thousand dollar fur coat to an undercover cop. Pretty crafty, eh?"

"I'll say it is. Get a job at some swanky restaurant and separate the veeps from their coats."

This episode featured:
Ivar Theobald as Uncle Sal
Orville Koharski as Gicaomo
Consuela Hightower as Alexa
and
Jellybean Merengue as the comics section.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If I only had a pencil-thin mustache."

[15 June 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Relieved Roller (Episode 44)

Uncle Sal sat down next to Ilse in one of the chairs at lane 12 of the Chicken Bowl and removed his forest green and rust colored wingtips. "Who'd ya say is gonna be our fourth, Giacomo?"

"Frankie Fatone."

"Frankie Fatone? That guy who's about as smart as a bowl of gravy? And just as handsome?"

"OK, so he's not the smartest guy in the world."

"Not the smartest guy in the world? He's barely the smartest guy in his own shirt. 'Member the time he broke his nose tryin' to go through a door before he turned the knob?"

"Yeah, I remember. But he's a great bowler. He will really help us in this league. As long as he's not preoccupied."

Uncle Sal chortled. "What can possibly preoccupy Fatone, 'cept where he's gonna get his next donut?"

"Well, his ex-girlfriend just had a baby boy named Ross. She's been trying to say that Frankie is the father, but he knows he isn't. Ross was conceived sometime after Frankie and his girlfriend broke up and she moved to Oklahoma. Doesn't seem to make any difference to her. She keeps hounding him, saying he's the father and she's gonna sue him for child support."

"Why on earth would she do that? Don't she know that Fatone is always as broke as a man can get? And don't she know that if her baby come from that gene pool, well, there ain't much hope for the little fella? Besides, don't she know that away from him is the best place she can be?" Uncle Sal slipped his right foot into the bowling shoe and fastened the Velcro strap. "I imagine Frankie is pretty relieved about the whole thing."

"Yeah, of course. Wouldn't you be?"

"Heck, I am relieved, just knowing that bowling Fatone didn't father no Ross."

This episode featured:
Ulysses Weiss as Uncle Sal
Milagros Jorgensen as Giacomo
Imelda Nadeau as Ilse
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Velcro strap

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I don't want no foo-foo haircut sittin' on my head."

[8 June 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Cocked-Up Cafe (Episode 43)

Uncle Sal stood looking at the site of the Nouveau Nightclub and said, "Y'know, Giacomo, I bet this here nightculb came about because some wallflower got dragged to a nightclub one too many times. This here reminds me of a bidness a friend of mine started in Tacos, New Mexico. It all started with a hangover. See, my friend Kate likes to drink. I mean, who don't, right? Well, one time she wakes up with a hangover to stop an elephant."

Uncle Sal looked down and saw his beige and blue wingtips were untied. He bent down to tie them, then continued his story. "So Kate had this wicked hangover, right. One of them hangovers where the slightest move hurts. She stumbled down the street to the coffee shop and she was in such bad shape, she could barely see the menu. She figured she'd just get a cup of coffee. You know, that was sposta to be the hangover cure back then. Well, the woman behind the counter, she can see Kate's in bad shape. She tells Kate to sit down. She'll take care of the whole thing. That lady came back to Kate's table with some kinda witch's brew with a tea from Ceylon, some milk, pomegranate juice and who knows what else. Kate swears that five minutes after she drank that potion, her hangover was gone."

Uncle Sal kicked a pine cone that had fallen at his feet and said, "So, Kate, she decided this was too good an idea to pass up. She came up with a place that was a bar - The Hairy Eyeball - on one side and The Cocked-Up Cafe on the other. And she hired that woman to make her hangover cure in the cafe. Now people in Tacos can go out drinkin' and get their hangover cure before they even get into bed. All on account of the bad hangover Kate had, she started a successful business. Now she minds her teas and booze."

This episode featured:
Humbert Sciubba as Uncle Sal
Chance Hadley as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pine cone.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "We're gettin' the band back together."

[1 June 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Nouveau Nightclub (Episode 42)

Uncle Sal pulled down on the 8-ball gearshift and shifted the Dodge Dart into gear. But before he pressed his beige and blue wingtip to the accelerator, he touched the head of the plastic Jesus on his dashboard.

"Cool plastic Jesus, Uncle Sal. Where'd you get it?"

"Garage sale."

"It's awesome! I should get myself one of those. Turn right here."

"Why would I turn right here? That ain't the way to yer place. I thought we was goin' to yer place for drinks."

"We will, but I want to show you something first."

Giacomo navigated Uncle Sal downtown and told him to stop in front of a recently constructed building that was bare on the inside. A sign declared "SITE OF THE NOUVEAU NIGHTCLUB -- OPENING SOON."

"Check this out, Uncle Sal. My friend Fat Jerry is going to be the manager of this place."

"Just what this town needs, another nightclub with horrible electronic music."

"This isn't just going to be any nightclub. It's going to be a nightclub and a library."

"Who ever heard of such a thing?"

"Exactly! That's why it's genius. Think about it. You have a nightclub, and there are the people that like to drink and dance and have a good time. But sometimes they drag their wallflower friends, who don't really want to dance or drink. Well, you know as well as I do that a leopard can't change its spots, so the wallflowers pretty much remain wallflowers and wait until their friends are ready to go home. With this place, the wallflowers can sit and read books like your favorite The Grapes of Wrath until they have to drive their drunk friends home. What do you think?"

"Well, it's unique. I'll give 'em that. A place where the clubber meets the Joad."

This episode featured:
Max Hammer as Uncle Sal
Delmar Mayo as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the plastic Jesus

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear."

[26 May 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Befuddled Baker (Episode 41)

Uncle Sal climbed out of his Dodge Dart and walked up the sidewalk to Giacomo's condo. He rang the doorbell and then saw that his left purple and silver wingtip was untied. As he secured the knot, the door opened. Giacomo looked to one side of the door, then the other. "Uncle Sal, I thought you were bringing Alice."

Uncle Sal stood up and said, "Well that's a fine how do you do. Good to see you too, Giacomo." He strode past his nephew and into the condo where his girlfriend Ilse was propped on the bullfrog pillow on the couch.

Giacomo closed the front door and said, "Well, it's just that we have four tickets to the theater. Now we're going to have one extra."

From behind the bar, Uncle Sal said, "It's no big deal. We can sell the extra ticket and we can prolly get more than we paid for it too," he said as he poured a bourbon for himself.

"But, we were going to, you know, have a double-date. Now, one of us is going to have to sit next to a stranger. And by the way, you still haven't told me where Alice is."

Uncle Sal felt the bourbon make a warm trail to his stomach and said, "Sump'n came up. Whatta ya want me to do?"

Giacomo waited for Uncle Sal to continue, but he seemed content with his bourbon. "Am I not supposed to ask what came up?"

"Jeez, Giacomo. Ya sound just like a woman. OK, I'll tell ya. Alice is takin' this bakin' class, right? This is the second time she's taken it. The first time she had to stop halfway through because again sump'n came up. Anyway, last week her bread didn't come out too good. And tomorrow it's donuts." He sipped his bourbon. "So, she decided to stay home tonight."

"Instead of going to see Mike and the Magic Mud Pie with us, she stayed home to practice making donuts?"

"Well, I can't say I blame her. She's failed her crullers in the past."

This episode featured :
Xavier Hawk as Uncle Sal
Waldo Hunt as Giacomo
Yolanda Butts as Ilse
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bullfrog pillow

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I just want to wish you good luck. We're all counting on you."

[13 May 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Annoying Angler (Episode 40)

Uncle Sal bent down and tied the lace of the red and orange wingtip on his right foot. He raised his highball glass and sipped his bourbon and soda as he watched the Wombats game on the television. Alice sipped her greyhound and asked about the game.

"That was a strike," Uncle Sal said. he had explained baseball to her so many times, he could hardly stand it. But still, she positively refused to to understand the grand old game.

"So he's out?"

"No. That's only strike two. Now, just watch the game. It's the eighth inning. I don't wanna miss anything." Just then Uncle Sal looked at the door. "Oh no!"

"What? Is the man out now?"

"I dunno. Look who just walked in." Uncle Sal pointed to Harley Gooch.

"What's wrong with him?"

"What's wrong with him? Holy muskrats! What's not wrong with him? The guy is a nuisance. He's got a story for everything, and I mean everything. Why, to hear him tell it, he's climbed Mount Everest twice. Blindfolded. I just hope he don't sit here next to me."

Moments later, the stool next to Uncle Sal was occupied by the girth of Harley Gooch. One stool was barely enough to contain him. His shoulder brushed Uncle Sal's, causing Uncle Sal to move closer to Alice.

"HEY THERE, SAL? HOW'VE YOU BEEN?" Alice jumped at the man's voice which was far too loud and booming to be contained by any building. "YOU KNOW ME. BUSY AS EVER. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY DODGE SWINGER. THING RUNS LIKE A DREAM, EVEN THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AFTER IT WAS MADE." After ordering a boilermaker, Harley said, "BEEN FISHING LATELY?"

Uncle Sal looked like a man suffering severe indigestion. He squirmed on his stool and said, "No, Harley. I ain't been fishing in a while."

"HAD SOME GOOD TRIPS MYSELF. WENT UP TO IDAHO AND DID SOME FISHING THERE. BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY. CAUGHT SOME OF THE BEST LARGEMOUTH YOU EVER SEEN. SAY, SPEAKING OF BASS...DID YOU KNOW..."

Uncle Sal nearly ground his molars to dust. He wanted to catch the end of the game, but not if it meant sitting next to Gooch. He looked at his wrist, and though he wasn't wearing a watch, he said, "Look at the time! Gee, it sure was swell to see ya, Harley. We gotta movie to catch." He left some money on the bar, took Alice's hand and dashed to the door.

"What is the matter with you, Sal? That man was right in the middle of talking to you."

"Oh no he wasn't. He was just getting started."

"That doesn't make it OK to just get up and leave."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes and said, "What was I supposed to do? The guy was gettin' 'round to bass facts."

This episode featured:
Vito Varner as Uncle Sal
Fannie Call as Alice
Fred Goff as Harley Gooch
and
Jellybean Merengue as the highball glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It takes a wise man to make it without working."

[13 May 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Mundane Movie (Episode 39)

Uncle Sal sat down across from Alice and put on his pewter bowler hat on one of the empty chairs. "What did you think of the movie?" she asked.

"Not too much, I can tell ya that."

"Oh Sal! What was wrong with it? It's a very cute movie."

"That's the problem. It's cute. Ain't nothin' special story-wise neither. How many movies you think have been made about two men in love with the same woman? They're essentially always the same movie. In the end, she chooses neither one of them. Besides, I knew a woman in college in the same situation."

A waitress named Jodie came to their table and Uncle Sal ordered a slice of Key lime pie and a cup of decaf. Alice said it was too late for either and ordered a hot tea.

"She had these two guys after her: Ernie Bell and this guy we called Otter. Now, Ernie was just about the laziest guy you'd ever want to meet. Guy never did an hour of work when I knew him. If someone was movin' to a new apartment, he'd come up with just about any excuse he could dream of to get outta helpin' somebody move. He'd go to a job interview with a plan to avoid getting the job."

Jodie brought the tea for Alice and the coffee and Key lime pie for Uncle Sal. He put a piece of the pie into his mouth, then asked Alice if she wanted a bite. She shook her head. "So this guy Otter. I dunno what it was about him. All the girls thought he was cute. But this guy was always smokin' the marijuana. Every day, first thing in the morning he'd roll one up and smoke it. I don't think I ever saw him when his eyes wasn't all bloodshot." Uncle Sal sipped his coffee and said, "So then it happened just like the movie. The guys find out about each other and they both tell her, 'It's him or me.'"

"So, what happened?"

"What do you think happened? She chose neither one of them. Ain't much of a choice when you think about it: Bum Bell or High Otter."

This episode featured
Al Butts as Uncle Sal
Lulu Pierre as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Key lime pie

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The stars above are about the only company I keep."

[6 May 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Forlorn Friend (Episode 38)

Uncle Sal had just put on his honeydew-colored bowler hat and was getting ready to leave the Root Hog Or Diner when Giacomo walked in. He put his bowler hat on the seat next to him in the booth and said, "Jeez, Giacomo! Where ya been? I been waitin' here almost thirty minutes. I was ready to go home and have dry white toast for lunch. What took ya so long?"

"Oh, it's my friend Randy Samich. We got caught up in a discussion because he just broke up with his girlfriend." Giacomo picked up the hog-shaped menu and said, "I just can't believe he broke up with this girl, and I told him so. She's the best girl you'd ever want to meet. She's beautiful, with long dark hair and these eyes that are such a pale blue they're almost gray. And she is the sweetest thing. She's always affectionate with him and she lets him go and hang out with the guys when he wants."

Uncle Sal looked at the menu. "You been here before. How's the club sandwich?"

"What? Oh, the club. Yeah, it's pretty good. So, anyway. Not only is this girl beautiful and affectionate and sweet. She can cook like you wouldn't believe. Her chicken piccata is outstanding. I mean, it's as good as anything you can get in any restaurant around here."

"Why are you taking this so hard? It's not like you broke up with her. Matter-a fact, I think you'd be happy. You like this girl so much, here's your chance to ask her out."

Giacomo sighed. "Uncle Sal, I'm already seeing someone. You met her last week. Remember Alexa?"

Uncle Sal shrugged. "Yeah, yeah. The one with the big..." Giacomo glared at Uncle Sal. "Sounds to me like you this this girl better than Alexa."

"I can't just ditch Alexa and go after Randy's ex-girlfriend. That would make things awkward for everyone. I guess I'm just bummed because she's so cool. I mean, I just can't see why he would break up with her."

"Yeah. You can't see it. That's just it. I'm sure your friend had a perfectly good reason for breaking up with WonderGirl. Maybe she snores. Maybe she bites her toenails. Maybe she nagged him so much that he felt he had to break up with her. She may be really affectionate and a good cook, but there's more to a relationship than that, you know. It's not all dear and vittles."

This episode featured:
Carmelo Chen as Uncle Sal
Napoleon Rosales as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the hog-shaped menu.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There's a time and place for everything. It's called college."

[29 April 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Sasquatch Sighting (Episode 37)

Uncle Sal walked into the barber shop and hung his copper bowler hat on the hat rack by the door. He had just settled into the barber chair with the apron fastened around his neck when his old friend Clyde MacDowell walked in.

"What are you grinnin' about, Clyde?"

"You know that guy, Vic Gaspard?"

"Sure, I know him. We go way back," Sal replied.

"Well, I just ran into his son Bobby and you're never gonna believe what happened. Seems the young Gaspard was out hiking one day and he came across a Sasquatch."

"Aw, what a buncha baloney! Ain't no such thing as a Sasquatch."

"Yeah, that's what Bobby Gaspard used to think. Like I said, he was out hiking, and he stopped for a minute to eat one of them energy bars. You know the things kinda like chewing on a used tire, but they're supposed to be really good for you? Well, as he's sitting there eating the energy bar, the Sasquatch just came up and asked him if he had an extra energy bar. Well, you can imagine Gaspard's surprise. Here he's out walking and not only does he find a Sasquatch, he finds one that speaks to him. In English."

Uncle Sal waved his hand, dismissing Clyde's story.

"Hear me out, Sal. I ain't got to the best part yet. Well, that ol' Sasquatch didn't even bother to take the wrapper off the energy bar. He just shoved the thing in his mouth and walked away."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

"See it you can my, old friend, next time you run into Bobby Gaspard. He showed me the picture on his cell phone."

Uncle Sal merely chuckled. "Boy, did he pull one over on you. I met kids less gullible than you."

"What are you saying? You don't believe me even though I saw the picture with my own eyes?"

"I ain't saying I don't believe you. I'm saying I don't believe Bobby Gaspard. Why, his old man once told me he found a mermaid in the community pool. If he's anything like his daddy, then he's got a gift for fiction."

"So you don't believe anything I just told you?"

"No, course I don't. First off, ain't no such thing as Sasquatch. But more than that, Bobby's all bull and a Gaspard, Clyde."

This episode featured
Odell Funk as Uncle Sal
Roscoe Horn as Clyde MacDowell
and
Jellybean Merengue as the apron.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Right in the lumberyard."

[22 April 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Lengthy Line (Episode 36)

Uncle Sal stood in line waiting to pay for his snakeskin boots. He removed his sapphire bowler hat, wiped his head with his handkerchief and said to Alice, "What a deal on these boots. Gen-u-wine snakeskin for only thirty-five bucks. You'll never get a better deal than that, I'll tell ya. I dunno about this line though. It's ridiculous. If I weren't gettin' such a good deal, there's no way I'd wait in this line. It reminds me of when I worked at Ditherman's. It was a store just like this one in Piscataway. They moved me from general clerk to menswear and they were training this new guy to take my place as a general clerk. You wanna know what the guy's name was?"

Alice merely looked over her glasses at him and waited to hear the man's name.

"Dieter Krauthammer. Lemme tell ya sumpin'. All that talk about German efficiency, you coulda never proved it by this guy Krauthammer. He was all thumbs. Not only that. He was all left thumbs. I tell ya, I never seen anyone so inept with his hands, and he was only running a cash register. Imagine if he was trying to build furniture."

The person at the front of the line finished paying for his transaction and Uncle Sal and Alice took a step forward. "Seemed like every day ol' Krauthammer was on the register, there was a line at least as long as this. Probably longer."

"Don't be so hard on the guy. Department stores are always crowded and he was just learning."

"Yeah, but that's just it. Even after he'd already learned the deal, he couldn't quite manage to push the right buttons in the right sequence. He'd hack at the thing and then he'd inevitably call for manager assistance. Store prolly lost a lotta business because of his two left hands. I kinda felt bad for the guy. But then I guess that's what happens when you throw a clunky mensch in the clerks."

This episode featured:
Burl Langley as Uncle Sal
Millicent Tilley as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the snakeskin boots.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There's what's right and there's what's right and never the twain shall meet."

[15 April 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Purloined Pannikin (Episode 35)

Uncle Sal removed his moss-colored bowler hat as he stepped into Alice's apartment. On her shelf of knickknacks, he saw a ceramic cherub with a bare bottom. He chuckled as he walked toward the sofa.

"What's so funny?" Alice asked as she headed toward the bar to prepare a Scotch for him.

"It's just your little bare-bottomed angel reminded me of something funny. When I was in college, I knew this weird guy name of Cornelius Hammer. You know in all them movies with elves and dwarves and whatnot? Well, you know the kinda coat they always wear in them things? Corny wore one of them as his winter coat. Like I said, he's a weird fella. We went to this restaurant one time had a really weird menu." She handed him his Scotch and he took a sip. "That hits the spot. Anyway, as I was saying, this place had the weirdest menu I ever saw. That was right up Corny's alley. He ordered, get this, stuffed peppers served in the lining of a cow's stomach."

Alice winced.

"Yeah, I know. You think it sounds bad. You should have seen it. We finished eatin' and Corny ordered a digestif. Well, they brought his schnapps or whatever it was in a little shot glass that looked just like someone's rear end. We had a good laugh about that, I can tell ya. But Corny, he just kept looking at that glass. Told me he needed to have it. Every time he took a sip, he'd tell me how great that would look in his place."

Alice looked disapprovingly, sensing where the story was going. Uncle Sal sipped his Scotch and looked at her. "So what happened?" she asked.

"Well, ol' Corny was a resourceful one. He saw sumpin' he wanted and he wouldn't let right or wrong stand in his way. He put that in his tripe and cloaked it."

This episode featured:
Hal Wall as Uncle Sal
Araceli Ouelette as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bare-bottomed cherub.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I married a Bigfoot!"

[8 April 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Non-Standard Nuptials (Episode 34)

Uncle Sal shook the rain from his emerald bowler hat, then stepped into Giacomo's house. "I appreciate you inviting me over for some cocktails. With all this rain, a man could sure use some whiskey."

As Giacomo walked to the bar, Uncle Sal said, "Hey, you'll never guess who I ran into. You remember the girlfriend you had when you were I dunno, sixteen or sumpin' like 'at?"

"You saw Danae?"

"No. I ran into her aunt. You know the one that wears too much bright pink lipstick. Anyway, Aunt Mabel, or whatever the heck her name is, was telling me Danae's gettin hitched tomorrow."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah, that's right. And get this. She's marryin' some fella name of Cletus. Big burly fella, I guess. Mabel gave me the whole story, but you know how she can go on. I wasn't really paying attention. So she tells me all about this guy and how he and Danae met. I just went to the market to get some cheese and crackers and she's detaining me, telling me all about these two folks I barely even know." Uncle Sal took a sip of whiskey from the highball glass Giacomo handed him and continued. "One thing I do remember is her tellin' me that the wedding is gonna be like an episode of HR Pufnstuf."

"What on earth is HR Pufnstuf?"

"You kids today! You don't know nothing if it happened before you were born. HR Pufnstuf was a show by Sid and Marty Krofft. It had all these weird puppets on it, so some folks thought it was a show for kids. It was really nothin' but cheap entertainment for hippies who were stoned alla time. Anyhow, Danae and Cletus are gonna dress up like their favorite character from the show. They're even gonna do their vows in voices like some of the characters."

Giacomo chuckled. Danae was going to have a wedding like some stoner puppet show?

Uncle Sal took another sip of whiskey and said, "I don't really know too much about her, but I sure do feel bad for that girl."

"Why is that?"

"Aintcha listening? Because tomorrow she's gonna speak Krofft-y and marry a big hick."

This episode featured:
Weston Hooper as Uncle Sal
Joaquin Springer as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the highball glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Au contraire, mon frere."

[1 April 2008]

Uncle Sal and Sister Mary Evelyn's Lost Canasta Game (Episode 33)

Uncle Sal brushed a bread crumb from his vermilion bowler hat and looked across the table at his sister. "Whatsa matter, Evelyn? You barely touched your pickled pigs feet."

Mary Evelyn sighed audibly and said, "It's one of the girls at the convent. You remember the one I told you about, with the noises coming from the room?"

"Course I remember."

"Well, thankfully, those noises have stopped." She kissed her crucifix and continued. "But now, she just seems so unhappy."

"Course she's unhappy. I mean, she had to stop..."

"Sal! It's more than that. She doesn't seem interested in anything now. She doesn't want to come to any meals. She doesn't want to pray. And Sal, you should see the look in her eyes. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so sad. I just get this feeling that she wants to leave the convent and go back to life outside. I guess if that is God's plan for her...that's fine. It's just, she's really a good and decent member of our group. It would be a shame to lose her."

Uncle Sal had tuned out when she started talking about the convent, but realized he needed to say something to fill the silence. He opened his mouth and Mary Evelyn continued, "She doesn't even want to play our weekly canasta game. She's the one that said she wanted to learn. And she's great. I love having her as my partner. We've tried to find someone to take her place, but no one has jumped in yet. Sal, what do you think we should do?"

Uncle Sal took a bite of bread and chewed deliberately as he tried to think of what to say. After swallowing the bread, he said, "It sounds to me like you don't have much choice. You'll have to forsake play while the nun pines."

This episode featured:
Dewey Swenson as Uncle Sal
Olga Ho as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pickled pigs feet

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Don't call me Shirley."

[25 March 2008]

Uncle Sal the Guest Announcer (Episode 32)

Uncle Sal looked at the beads of sweat on the upper lip and hairline of Garret Gemora and wondered if the longtime broadcaster for the Wombats was going to have a heart attack.

Gemora leaned his red face into the microphone and said, "Oh sweet Petunia! We've got a ripsnortin' humdinger of a barnburner tonight! Quite a situation we've got here. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded. The Wombats trail by a run. The count is two balls and a strike to Benny Kluharski. Holy flounder! What a game! You picked a heckuva game to be our guest announcer, Sal."

"It sure has been fun to watch, Garret."

"Fun? This game's as tense as my ex-wife in a room full of spiders. Or accountants."

Uncle Sal glanced at Gemora as the ball was delivered to home plate. "Jumpin' cockroaches! What was Klu swinging at on that pitch? Two balls and two strikes. Everyone in the crowd is on their feet now, and in full throat. I've been broadcasting Wombats games for twenty-three years now and I've never heard it this loud. Why, it's so loud in here, you could put that band, whatsitsname, The Mississippi Mudflaps in a woodshed and it wouldn't be louder. A man can't even hear his own platitudes. What do you think about that, old Sally boy?"

"Well, it sure is..."

"Too high! Ball three! Oh my! I don't think my heart can take much more of this. The pitcher steps off of the mound. He needs some time to think about this one. It all comes down to one last pitch. I tell ya, this game is more exciting than a flaming rollercoaster ride into a barrel of monkeys."

Uncle Sal removed his cardinal bowler hat and scratched his head as he looked askance at the voice of the Wombats. "Well, I don't know too much about that, but I do know the Wombats win if the Klu hits, Garret."

This episode featured
Cooter Secore as Garret Gemora
Dieter Adolphus as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the microphone

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It will blow your funky mind."

[18 March 2008]

Uncle Sal and Giacomo's Vexing Visitor (Episode 31)

Uncle Sal knocked on Giacomo's door and found the door thrown open. Looking at Giacomo's hair, Uncle Sal would have guessed his nephew had been in a wind tunnel.

"Uncle Sal! So good to see you. Come in for a moment. I'll just get my coat and then we can be on our way." Giacomo spoke like an auctioneer.

When he stepped inside, Uncle Sal removed his eggplant-colored bowler hat. The hat was barely at waist level when Giacomo darted back into the room with his jacket on. "OK, Steve, Lucretia. I'm going out with my uncle for a bit. Be back soon." He grabbed Uncle Sal's elbow and guided him to the door. Once outside, he took a deep breath and leaned back against the door.

"Giacomo, what's the matter with you? You didn't even introduce me to your guests."

"My guests, right. Well, that's Steve McCool and his girlfriend Lucretia. Don't call her Lucy. I learned that the hard way."

"But why are you in such a hurry to get out? Those are your visitors and this is your place."

"It was. Until she got here. See, Steve told me a while back he was going to visit from Connecticut. And that was great. He was one of my best friends in college. I haven't seen him in a while, so I was excited when he said he would visit. When he arrived, she was with him. And she is unbearable. The first day, she ate all of my chocolate-peanut butter ice cream. She has commandeered my TV so she can watch soap operas all day, and she doesn't even let Steve go out with me. When we say we might duck out for a drink, she puts on a big production about being left alone in the house. Like she can't watch soaps on her own. And that's all she does. That, and boss Steve around."

"That ain't right."

"You're telling me."

"How long are they staying?"

"They'll be here another four days. Uncle Sal, I'm not sure I can stand it. She's just so awful and...annoying. I wish I could just kick them out now, but I couldn't do that to Steve."

"Take a deep breath, Giacomo. There's no reason to blow a gasket."

"What do you mean? Haven't you heard anything I said?"

"Course I heard ya, but complaining ain't gonna help things. Besides, McCool and his honey are soon departed."

This episode featured:
Buford Rosales as Uncle Sal
Zellman Barff as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jacket

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Machines ain't music."

[11 March 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Taxi Service (Episode 30)

Uncle Sal stood on the curb attempting to hail a cab. He hated having to take the Dodge Dart into the shop. Alice said, "We'll never get a cab at this hour."

"We'll get one. I bet one of Tuck's Cabs will be by soon. I ever tell you I used to work for Tuck's?"

"No, you never did."

Uncle Sal plucked a hair hanging from the brim of his raspberry bowler hat and said, "Yep. Best taxi service in the city. Kind of a shame how I came to the job. I was having a hard time making the rent and my friend Harvey Potter told me I should get a job driving a cab. He was fired shortly after I started for not reporting all his fares. Anyway, I started driving the night shift."

He removed a tin of mints from his pocket and offered one to Alice. She declined and he continued his story. "Well, I was able to make the rent all right, but you sure do meet some interesting folks when you drive overnight. Like this one time, Tuck arranges for me to pick up this guy, real shady lookin' fella. Got a bald patch on his head because of this big scar that hair won't grow over. Tuck wants me to take this guy to the south side of town, probably one of the worst neighborhoods I ever seen. I looked that fella up and down and I thought about the address he wanted to go to and I thought ain't nothin' good gonna come of this. I told Tuck I didn't want no part of it. You know what he told me?"

"No. What?"

"'I ain't asking,' he says. So, I take another look at this fella and I get a bad feeling in my gut."

"So? What did you do?"

"What choice I had? If I refused, I woulda been fired like Potter offa Tuck's hack."

This episode featured:
Vittorio Fondazione as Uncle Sal
Opal Pierre as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the tin of mints.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

[4 March 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Aluminum Plant (Episode 29)

Uncle Sal drove his Dodge Dart past the Think Outside the Bauxite aluminum foil plant and said, "Giacomo, did I ever tell you this place could have been mine?"

"No, Uncle Sal. How's that?"

"Well, this place offered me a lotta money to take me away from the job I had at the time, so I came to work here. After only two years, they moved me up to a management position. That made Fred Richter awful sore. He had worked longer for the company but the guy was a total screw-up. The kinda guy that if he's a cook, he can't make toast. You know what he used to do? He'd put a spare set, a dummy set of keys on his desk. He'd leave those keys right there where everyone could see and then he'd leave the building. People would see the keys on the desk and assume he must be there even if they never saw him."

Giacomo thought he might have to employ such a plan at some point. Uncle Sal came to a stop light, removed his burnt orange bowler hat and scratched his head. As soon as the hat was back on his head, the light turned green and Sal continued his story. "So, old Fred saw me get promoted and he was jealous. What did he do then? He started being real nice to the CEO. Even started going to lunch with old man Fleedleminster. Basically turned into a big suck-up."

Uncle Sal took a deep breath and said, "Worked like a charm. When it came time for old man Fleedleminster to retire, he chose that halfwit Fred to succeed him instead of someone who actually knows what he's doing."

"Really? So you could have been an aluminum magnate?"

"Yup, I coulda. But to the Richter belong the foils."

This episode featured:
Maynard McDowell as Uncle Sal
Chadwick Church as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the stop light

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "In your face, space coyote!"

[26 February 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Vandalized Church (Episode 28)

Uncle Sal arrived at the church and saw an Afro wig on the statue of Saint Aloysius. He chuckled to himself. Then he saw his sister in hysterics and stopped laughing.

"What on earth is the problem, Mary Evelyn?"

She pointed to the top of the church and said, "Look!"

Uncle Sal looked at the cream-colored liquid running down the belfry.

"Who would do such a thing to a church? To vandalize a house of God, well, it's more than a sin, it's a shame. Poor Father Hoffman. He went out to get the newspaper and he saw this." Mary Evelyn gave every detail of what had gone on that morning but Uncle Sal was only half-listening.

"Do you smell maple? Like syrup?"

"Syrup? Sal, this is no time to be thinking about your stomach."

"Do you have a way to get up there?"

"Um yes, of course."

Uncle Sal followed his sister into the church and she led him to the ladder that would take him up into the belfry. He handed her his chartreuse bowler hat and said, "I'll be right back." He climbed up the ladder and poked his head out of the top. He sniffed, then put his finger into the white liquid on the brown exterior of the church. After licking his finger clean, he climbed down the ladder and said, "You've got nothing to worry about. It will wash right out and won't even leave a stain. It's not paint, it's Cream of Wheat."

"Cream of Wheat?"

"Yes, whoever did this just added gruel to the spire."

This episode featured:
Delmer Delaney as Uncle Sal
Janet Belcher as Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Afro wig

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Let's feed Doritos to the bears."

[20 February 2008]

Uncle Sal's Lunch with Giacomo (Episode 27)

Uncle Sal put his purple bowler hat on the seat next to him in the booth. As he reached for a menu, he took a good look at Giacomo.

"Whassamatter, Giacomo? You look a little frazzled."

"I don't doubt it." The waitress delivered Giacomo's coffee and he tipped a couple drops of hot sauce into it. "I was just over at Earl Morse's. He just bought a new flat screen TV and digital video recorder and asked me to help him move the stuff into his apartment. Well, we get the TV up the stairs and into his place, that TV is pretty heavy by the way, then he wants me to help him hook it up."

Giacomo sipped his coffee and continued. "This guy Earl is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. Couldn't figure out how to hook up the video recorder to his expensive new TV. I mean, it's hard to believe the guy's an engineer. Sometimes, he doesn't seem smart enough to roll out of bed."

Uncle Sal nodded and said he knew some folks like that.

"So, I get the whole thing hooked up, and I'm ready to come here to meet you. He asks me if I can help him find Welcome Back Kotter. It's his favorite show. He's a big Travolta fan and he wants to set the video recorder to record every episode. I show him step-by-step how to find and record shows. Then you know what he does? He gives me this blank stare and asks me if I can also set it to record every episode of Alice. You believe this guy?"

"Yeah, I believe it. From what you're tellin' me, you can lead a Morse to Kotter, but you can't make him think."

This episode featured:
Don Bong as Uncle Sal
Fletcher Andradez as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bottle of hot sauce

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "No, it ain't in my repertoire."

[12 February 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Primary Election (Episode 26)

Uncle Sal took the glasses from the pocket of his aquamarine smoking jacket, opened the newspaper and looked at a story about the candidates in the presidential primary election. "Will ya look at this? I never seen a sorrier buncha candidates in my life."

Mary Evelyn peered over her teacup and said, "Yes, it's not a very good choice is it?"

"Not a good choice? It's barely a choice at all. It's like asking someone if they want a knuckle sandwich or a kick to the knees. On the one hand, ya got Gordon Lever. This guy wants to make war with everyone. Not only that, he wants to raise taxes to pay for the wars he's gonna start. And the worst part of it is, he wants to raise taxes on beer. You believe that?" Uncle Sal tipped a packet of sugar into his coffee and continued. "On the other hand, ya got Nathan Jorgensen. He ain't very inspiring, but at least he's opposed to all the wars Lever wants to bring on."

He took a sip of his coffee. "And they're the leading candidates. That don't say much for the guys running against 'em."

"So, who are you going to vote for?"

"Ya know what? I ain't sure I'm gonna vote at all. Hardly seems worth it to vote for one total dunce over another."

"But Sal, you have to vote. Use it or lose it, right?"

"Yeah, I know. Only I feel like I wouldn't be losin' much if I abstained from voting for any of these buffoons." He bit into his marble rye toast and as he chewed, he said, "I suppose you're right. I prolly should vote. I ain't too excited about any of these candidates, but I guess it's better Nate than Lever."

This episode featured:
Jerardo Druke as Uncle Sal
Henrietta Mooney as Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the sugar packet.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm sorry about the chunk I blew on your sleeve."

[5 February 2008]

Uncle Sal's Groundhog Day Gala (Episode 25)

As Uncle Sal poured another Scotch into his Dollywood glass, he felt a hand on his elbow. He turned to see it was his pinochle partner that wanted his attention.

"Sal, I just gotta tell ya, this is your best Groundhog Day party yet."

Uncle Sal removed a cigar from the pocket of his cornflower leisure suit and said, "Yeah, it's not too shabby. Everyone seems to be having a good time."

"Sure they are. Good folks, good music, good food. I dunno where you got those cocktail weenies, but they were the best I ever had."

"Speakin' of food, did you get any of the shoo-fly pie?" Uncle Sal asked as he lit his cigar.

"Shoo-fly pie? I should be so lucky. Only one guy got any of that. I don't even know who he is. Some big galoot I never seen before. He musta eaten the whole thing when everyone else was working on dinner. That is, whatever didn't get on his fingers, face and his shirt. I didn't see him eat it, I woulda stopped him of course, but someone said it was the most revolting display they ever saw. I guess the guy ate it like he was in a contest at the county fair."

"Sounds like the guy pulled a Maury," Uncle Sal said as he spied the culprit with the dark brown stain on his shirt.

"A Maury? What's a Maury?"

"Maury Metzelaaf."

John raised his eyebrows and looked at Uncle Sal as he waited for clarification.

Uncle Sal blew his cigar smoke to the ceiling and said, "When a goon hits the pie like a pig treats a sty, that's a Maury."

This episode featured:
Don Ybarra as John
Aldo Lowe as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Dollywood glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm building a landing pad for UFOs."

[29 January 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Scandinavian Soiree (Episode 24)

Giacomo opened the door to find Uncle Sal, dressed in a robin egg blue leisure suit.

"Uncle Sal! Good to see you! Come on in! You're the first to arrive."

Uncle Sal stepped inside the door and sniffed. "What's that smell?"

"Oh, Raina and I are making a Scandinavian feast. You are going to love it."

"Scandinavian? The heck is Scandinavian food?"

"We're preparing some mojakka, that's a fish stew. We also have lefse, that's a potato dish, and a rice porridge. It's all very good, I promise you."

"Fish stew, eh? That must be what I smell. So when do we get to eat all these wonderful foods?"

"Well, like I said, you're the first to arrive. Many more people will be arriving soon. Just make yourself at home."

"So, you invited me over for some kinda Norweegie shindig with a buncha people I don't know?"

Giacomo took Uncle Sal's coat and before he could say anything, Uncle Sal continued. "What am I supposed to do? I'm hungry now. I figured we'd just sit down to dinner and start eatin'."

"Uncle Sal, when you invite people over, you can't just rush them right to the table, serve dinner, and give them the bum's rush." Uncle Sal stared at his nephew. "Well, you can, but it doesn't make for much of an evening. We'll have some fun before we eat," Giacomo continued. "A few drinks. We have the dartboard and the pool table. We'll just have a good time and chat before we eat. You know, mingle."

Uncle Sal waved his hand as he walked toward Giacomo's bar. "Yeah, yeah. I get it. We can't just sit down to eat. You wanna put the darts before the Norse."

This episode featured:
Buddy Boyce as Giacomo
Gonzalo Knute as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the dartboard

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "My house has wheels."

[22 January 2008]

Uncle Sal's Morning Paper (Episode 23)

"Would you look at this?" Uncle Sal said from behind the newspaper. "According to Gerry Morten of the Times, the president's approval ratings are lower than they've been for any president since prohibition. This guy is officially worse than the guy that took booze away from the country. At this point, I'm not sure his own mother approves of him."

Alice sipped her coffee and said, "That's not exactly news."

Uncle Sal continued like she hadn't spoken. "No one domestically approves of him. I'd bet dollars to donuts no one overseas approves of him. Education figures are horrible, the budget's a wreck."

Alice took a bite of her cheese danish and said, "Sal, do you really need Gerry Morten to tell you that the president is doing a poor job? And really, if all you're going to do is read the paper, why'd you invite me to breakfast?"

Uncle Sal lay the paper flat on the table and looked at Alice. "I hadn't even gotten to the most interesting part. If you'd just listen, you might learn something here. You see, at this point, Morten gives a little history lesson.He talks about presidents in other countries who have been overthrown when their approval ratings are so low. In one country after another, when people are unhappy with their leader, they put him out on his backside."

Alice held her cheese danish and stared blankly across the table at Uncle Sal.

"That's your trouble. You never want to analyze things. Don't you see what he's saying here? Morten fears a coup."

This episode featured:
Humberto Burris as Uncle Sal
Anita Plummer as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the newspaper

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She walked up to me with gunpowder breath."

[16 January 2008]

Uncle Sal's Country Breakfast (Episode 22)

Uncle Sal looked at the plate of food placed in front of him: three strips of cornmeal mush, hash browns, and sausage. He placed the napkin over the pants of his marigold leisure suit. Then he doused the mush with syrup, cut off a piece and thrust it into his mouth.

"Do you mind if I try your mush?" Alice asked. "I've never tried it, and that looks pretty good."

Women, they have the chance to order anything, but they always want a taste of the man's meal. And of course it looks good. Why would I order something that doesn't look good?

As he chewed his mush, she reached across the table and cut off a piece for herself. She chewed it and said, "Oh wow! That's good! I never knew mush would be that tasty." She took a sip of her orange juice and said, "Do you mind if I take another piece?"

"Yes, I do mind," he said, putting another piece into his mouth. "This is my breakfast. You've got your own."

She frowned and looked at her pancakes. "But, it's just, these pancakes seem so mundane compared to your stuff. What do you say we trade? My pancakes and bacon for your mush and sausage."

"Whatta ya talking about? You want me to give up my favorite breakfast food, which you could have ordered, for the pancakes you called mundane? Ya know, if I wanted pancakes, I woulda ordered 'em."

Alice continued to plead her case. Uncle Sal merely shrugged and ate his breakfast before it got cold. Suddenly, a smile broke across Alice's lips. She took a pen from her purse and wrote SEX on her palm. She balled her hand into a fist so Uncle Sal couldn't see and said, "Tell you what. I'll give you my breakfast and some of what I've written on my palm if you give me your breakfast."

Uncle Sal cut a piece of his sausage and wondered why she didn't just order some mush of her own. How do I know she didn't write the word "nothin'" on her hand? He looked at his two remaining pieces of mush and said, "The word on your hand ain't worth two of my mush."

This episode featured:
Rusty Shields as Uncle Sal
Violet Staples as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the syrup.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Beer ain't drinkin'."

[8 January 2008]

Uncle Sal's Tobacco Bowl Tailgate (Episode 21)

Uncle Sal poured some of his pre-mixed martini from his thermos into a plastic cup and toasted all of his pinochle buddies. "Here's to another great Tobacco Bowl game and another great year."

Each member of the tailgate party raised his martini and applauded Uncle Sal's toast.

Uncle Sal took a hearty sip of his chilled martini and said, "Boy, that's good. Ain't nothin' beats a martini at nine AM before the Tobacco Bowl."

As Joe bent over the grill trying to start the fire, Uncle Sal's longtime friend Kim arrived. She said her hellos to everyone and then thrust a paper sack into Uncle Sal's hand.

"The heck is this? What did you bring us, doorstops?"

Kim punched his shoulder and said, "No, they're not doorstops, you doorknob. They're scones. I figured I'd bring a little breakfast. You know, something with a touch of nutritional value."

"Nonsense. This is our breakfast. Least until Joe gets the old grill working. Then we'll have something to sustain us." He took another look inside the bag and said, "I don't know. These look like they need some liquid for dunkin' and we don't have no coffee or milk."

"You could dunk it in your martini."

Uncle Sal looked at her. "I am not ruining a perfectly good martini by dunkin' some stale English pastry in it. And frankly, I think you'll have a hard time giving those things away to this buncha guys. Besides, how do we know these things are any good?"

"You know they're good because I say so."

Kim held up the bag and said, "So nobody wants one?"

None of the men rushed to take one off of her hands.

"You're a bunch of jerks, you know that? Someone does something nice for you...I'm sure that doesn't happen often, and this is the thanks she gets. What the hell am I going to do with all of these?" she asked, holding up the bag.

Uncle Sal looked around the group and said, "I think it's pretty simple. Let Kim, who is without gin, repast the first scone."

This episode featured:
Harrison Bacon as Uncle Sal
Wes T. Ward as Joe
Anita Mann as Kim
and
Jellybean Merengue as the thermos

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "What is that funky smell?"

[1 January 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Softball Championship (Episode 20)

Uncle Sal pulled down on the 8-ball gearshift and steered the Dodge Dart out of the driveway. "Thanks for coming along, Giacomo."

"It's no problem, but do you really think they'll let me play third base on your senior softball team?"

"Only one way to find out, ain't there? Say, did I tell you about last year when we played for the senior league championship?"

"Were you wearing that cinnamon-colored leisure suit?"

"Never mind what I was wearing. That ain't important. What's important is the umpire that called the game. She's a big woman. She ain't fat but she got shoulders like a linebacker. Could probably take you out without breaking a sweat. Anyway, if it weren't for her, we woulda won the senior championship last season. She called me out at home two times. And I was safe both times. The second time was the worst. We were tied and I was on second base with two outs. Joe Malarkey came up and hit the ball to left field. Well, I knew for a fact that Ernie Chryplewicz wasn't going to throw me out. He couldn't throw a ball in the ocean from the end of the pier. Well, I rounded third and I seen that Ernie hadn't picked up the ball. One of his teammates beat him to it and threw the ball to the infield. Well, that ball and I were bound to meet at home plate. Lemme tell you, I slid into home and I know for a fact that I touched the plate before the catcher tagged me. But through the cloud of dust, what do I hear? "Yer out!" the umpire says in a voice like metal on metal. I ain't kiddin'. But her voice ain't just screechy, it's a voice wrapped in cigarette smoke. Well, I stood up to argue and that umpire just held up her fists like she wanted to fight me. I don't care how unpleasant a woman is, I ain't gonna fight her. Well, we ended up losing the game thanks to that ol' battleax."

A few minutes later, Uncle Sal pulled into the parking lot of the athletic fields. "Oh no!"

"What's wrong, Uncle Sal?"

"We're doomed!

"What? Why?"

"Look behind home plate. That's her. The umpire shrike's back."

This episode featured:
Haywood Jasumi as Uncle Sal
Harvey Arabella as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the 8-ball gearshift.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Those who are late do not get fruit cup."

[18 December 2007]

Uncle Sal the Artist (Episode 19)

Giacomo knocked on the front door but received no answer. Uncle Sal's Dodge Dart was parked in the driveway. He had to be home. He tried the doorbell and waited a couple minutes. Still no answer. He peeked in the window and tried the doorknob. The door opened but Uncle Sal was not parked on the couch.

"Uncle Sal?" He called as he walked to the kitchen. Maybe Uncle Sal was making a cup of tea. He did not like to have his tea interrupted. Uncle Sal wasn't in the kitchen, and he wasn't in the back yard. "Uncle Sal?"

He heard some stirring in the basement and made his way down the stairs. He saw the back of Uncle Sal's mauve leisure suit. Uncle Sal's right arm moved in careful strokes on the canvas in front of him.

"Um, Uncle Sal."The pastel flew from Uncle Sal's hand and landed on the other side of the room. Uncle Sal put his hand to his chest and said, "Great googily-moogily, Giacomo! Ya darn near scared the stuffing out of me. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's not nice to sneak up on people? Leapin' lizards! I almost gave her a mustache just now," he said, pointing to the canvas. "Why didn't you ring the doorbell or something."

"I did try the doorbell. Several times. And I didn't realize I was sneaking. I think you were just so involved in your work that you didn't hear me."

Giacomo looked at the canvas. On it was a picture of a smiling young woman with bleached hair wearing ripped blue jeans, as well as a headband and concert T-shirt with the name Motley Crue. She didn't look like someone Uncle Sal would know, but then Uncle Sal knew lots of folks that didn't look like they would fit at his pinochle games.

"What exactly are you working on?"

Uncle Sal removed a rag from the back pocket of his pants and wiped some of the color from his fingertips as he went to pick up the wayward pewter pastel. "I think it's pretty obvious what I'm doing. I'm chalking a Crue freak."

This episode featured:
Bucky Hoa as Giacomo
Ernest Duke as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pewter pastel.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Outta my way, butthead!"

[11 December 2007]

Uncle Sal and the Extra Ticket (Episode 18)

Uncle Sal hung up the phone and shuffled back to the couch where he sat next to Alice.

Peering over the rim of her coffee cup, she said, "You know, it's rude to answer the phone when you have a guest."

Uncle Sal shrugged and sipped his coffee. He remembered why he didn't call her more often. She was always telling him he was being rude. And why'd she have to come over so early. Couldn't she have just come over in time for them to leave for the movie?

"So, who was it?" she asked.

"It was my friend Geoff Beyer."

Alice raised her eyebrows and waited for more. "And what did he want?"

Uncle Sal gritted his teeth. Why did women always have to know every detail of a phone conversation they weren't a part of? Even when you weren't married to or dating them. "Want? Oh, he told me he has an extra ticket to go and see this singer Artie Choke on Thursday."

"And are you going?"

"No, of course I'm not going. I like Artie Choke as much as the next guy, but Thursday night is pinochle night. Besides, the show's all the way in Waxahachie."

"Why on earth would he go all the way to Waxahachie to see this singer?"

"Oh, Geoff he's one of these guys follows Artie around. Been doing it for years. He's gone all over the country seeing Artie perform everywhere you can think of. He camps out for tickets. He even bought a van he can sleep in so he don't have to get no motel. Yup, he sure is a big fan. Where there's Choke, there's Beyer."

This episode featured
Elvis Chen as Uncle Sal
Liz Terrine as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the phone

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I wanna drive in a Bigfoot truck."

[4 December 2007]

Uncle Sal Winterizes the House (Episode 17)

Uncle Sal placed a couple pieces of firewood on top of the pile on the rear patio. "Giacomo, isn't winter the greatest time of year? The snow, the cold, the hot toddies. Y'know, a lot of folks my age hate the cold. Bothers their arthritis. Not me. I wish it was winter year-round. There's nothing better than sitting by the fireplace and watching football. By the way, I really appreciate you coming over and helping me chop the wood."

Giacomo smiled. "I couldn't let you do it all on your own. Besides, it was worth it to see someone chop wood wearing an avocado leisure suit."

"When we finish here, we should go up into the attic and replace some of the insulation. That should be pretty quick. I reckon most of it's still good."

"What about the windows? Are you going to cover them with plastic?"

"Course I am. Whatta ya think I am, some kinda tenderfoot?"

"You need to seal them too. Remember last year, whenever it snowed, you ended up with a puddle beneath all your windows."

"You don't need to remind me. I'm the one lives here. I got a couple specialists coming to take care of that job."

"You hired someone?"

"Well, I guess in a manner of speaking. I promised 'em a couple hot toddies when they finish."

Uncle Sal heard the doorbell ring. "That's probably my guys right now."

He and Giacomo walked to the front door. When the door swung open, Giacomo saw two silver-haired men older than Uncle Sal by probably twenty years. "Arthur, Milton, come on in. This here's my nephew Giacomo. We was just finishing stacking up the firewood. You all can get to work. Everything you need is in my toolbox in the garage."

As they walked back toward the patio, Giacomo asked Uncle Sal, "Couldn't you find anyone younger to help you with the windows?"

"Younger? Sure. But younger ain't always better. They're the best. Those coots are made for caulking."

This episode featured:
Monte Crisco as Uncle Sal
Kirk Crockett as Giacomo
Beau Juarez as Arthur
Rusty Blackman as Milton
and
Jellybean Merengue as the doorbell

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She carried on without a comma that she was someone I should know."

[27 November 2007]

Uncle Sal and the Kiwis (Episode 16)

Uncle Sal pulled the watch from the pocket of his tangerine leisure suit and looked at the time. He showed the face of it to Giacomo's new girlfriend Shauna. "I got this here watch in New Zealand twenty-five years ago. Still works like a charm. Ever been to New Zealand?"

Without waiting for an answer, Uncle Sal continued. "I had just gotten outta the army and I wasn't quite ready to be tied down to a job or a family. Still ain't, come to think of it. Anyway, I went there with this frienda mine, Crazy Chet. Heck, I coulda suggested goin' to Siberia and Crazy Chet woulda gone along. He wasn't too fond of work neither. But he liked drinking."

Giacomo settled back into the couch, signaling to Shauna that the story could last a while.

"Well, one night we went out into the local tavern and we tied one on. I don't ever remember when I drank so much in my life. We met some locals there and they bought a round for us. We returned the favor, and round and round we went until we was all pretty well stewed. That ol' bartender made last call. They talk funny over there, but no matter where in the world ya go, last call always sounds the same.

Shauna twirled her auburn hair around her finger and anticipated the end of the story.

"We left that pub, and I mean to tell you, we didn't know which way was up, let alone which way was our hotel. Crazy Chet started wanderin' up the road, and me, I just followed him. That ol' boy kinda stumbled off the road into some grass. He musta thought it was his bed, because he just lay down and started to sleep. I tried to wake him up, but I couldn't wake him up if I blew an airhorn right in his ear. Well, before I lay down myself, I saw sumpin shiny next to him. It was his watch, this watch, had fallen outta his pocket."

"Uncle Sal, you stole Crazy Chet's watch?"

"Stole it? I rescued it from being lost forever in that grass. I slid the watch into my pocket and then I lay down in the grass myself. I tell ya, I never woke up with such a headache. Not only that, but I woke up to find out we had fallen asleep in a sheep pasture. I had sheep walkin and eatin the grass all around me. Crazy Chet, he was completely undisturbed. That is, until one-a them sheep sounded right into his ear. I don't even think he was really awake. He just reached up and punched that sheep right inna face. That ol' sheep learned one thing for sure: don't bleat around the lush."

This episode featured
Monroe Z. Chen as Uncle Sal
Octavio Hathaway as Giacomo
Ruby Slippers as Shauna
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pocket watch

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Anyone for tennis?"

[20 November 2007]

Uncle Sal and the Old Alma Mater (Episode 15)

Uncle Sal watched his pinochle partner Joe lead with the nine of hearts. "Hey Sal, 'member when we was at Cotton University?"

Uncle Sal stared at his cards. "Course I do. You don't forget about the old alma mater."

"I wonder if Fuller's teaching still there. I..."

"Oh, Jane Fuller! Boy, I'll tell ya, she was a great teacher. I had her for a class called sexual behaviors. It was pretty progressive for a university to have a class like that when we was students there."

"I"

"My parents nearly went through the roof when I told 'em I was gonna take a class about sexual behavior. They told me they wasn't sendin' me to no university so I could learn naughty things like that. And boy, I'll tell ya, it did feel a little naughty at times, especially for an eighteen-year-old kid."

"But"

"And if there was ever any person that should have taught a sexual behavior class, it was Jane Fuller. Course, back then, the best you could do was to see some leg, but with her that was enough. Her legs went on for days, and she always wore a skirt. Even when it was cold outside, she wouldn't cover up them legs. God bless her for that."

"Sal"

"That was by far the best class I ever took at any school. Some of the best stuff I ever learned in my life came in the classroom with Jane Fuller. I reckon she mighta been able to teach me a few things outside of class, too, if ya catch my meanin'."

"SAL!"

"What? What's the matter with you? A bug fly up your nose?"

"No. I wasn't talking about Jane Fuller, or your sex class. I'm talking about Edward Fuller. He taught me the principles of accounting."

"Accounting? Well, that's a course of a different Fuller."

This episode featured
Eustace Perkins as Joe
Norberto Allred as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the 9 of diamonds

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Is that a real poncho?"

[13 November 2007]

Uncle Sal and Sister Mary Evelyn (Episode 14)

Uncle Sal looked at the bill the waitress had just brought. He removed his wallet from the pants of his pea green leisure suit and put some money in the folder. Now that they had finished eating, Mary Evelyn felt free to ask him, as she always did, if he had been going to church. That was part of the reason he didn't see her more often. He hated having to tell his sister, who had been in a convent since she was eighteen, that he didn't feel compelled to go to church anymore. But he had learned that if he changed the subject, he wouldn't have to.

"How have you been, Mary Evelyn?" he asked, removing a toothpick from behind his ear.

"Oh, not so good. We're having a bit of a problem with one of the younger sisters."

"What kind of a problem?"

"Well, let's just say that sometimes we hear some inappropriate noises coming from her room at night."

"Like what?"

"Ummmm, groaning. That sort of thing."

"How do you know she's not having really bad gas? I mean, sometimes you get that feeling in your stomach, and..."

"Sal, I may live in a convent, but I'm not that naive."

"It could be a bad headache, or appendix pain."

"Sal, I'm telling you, the sounds we hear are not the result of appendix pain. We have tried speaking with her. We have tried giving her more manual work to do around the convent, so she'll be too tired to do...whatever it is she's doing. We don't want to lose her because she's really a good sister. She's so helpful and smart as a whip. What do you think we can do about this?"

"I don't really think there's anything you can do about it. You don't have any proof that she's doin' sump'n wrong. And besides, what do you expect? People have certain urges. Them urges are probably even stronger if you ain't supposed to act on them. If she's as good a sister as you say, I say leave her be. It just sounds to me like another nun fights the lust."

This episode featured:
Osvaldo Hughes as Uncle Sal
Rosie Cheeks as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the toothpick

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Missed it by that much."

[6 November 2007]

Uncle Sal's Family Tree (Episode 13)

"Who is this, Uncle Sal?" Giacomo asked, pointing to a framed picture on the wall.

Uncle Sal smiled and hiked up the pants of his teal leisure suit. "That there is a great man, and a smart man. He founded Cotton University in Pascagoula, Mississippi. He started it for only two people, his sons. You see, back in those days, girls only went to school until they were thirteen. And then it was child-bearing and maintaining a home. Those two students, they had passed high school, or what was considered high school at the time. But the man in that photo, he knew that there was more they could learn. He himself knew more than they did just by studying the world around him. And he thought the best thing he could do for them, aside from teaching them how to work the land, was to teach them the things he had learned on his own. Now, you have to understand, Pascagoula is so rural, there wasn't no university nearby. Prolly woulda taken a week to get to Ole Miss from there. So he sat his sons down in the backyard after chores and taught 'em. Well, soon enough, more kids in Pascagoula wanted to learn from him too. So he taught all that wanted to learn, and we still have Cotton University today. All because this man, my great-great-grandfather, was the professor of two Weevils."

This episode featured:
Johnny Ouelette as Giacomo
Phil E. Buster as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the picture frame

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I am the brute squad."

**Special thanks to loyal reader BB for suggesting the closer to this week's edition of the Uncle Sal Chronicles. Got an idea for Uncle Sal? Send it along. If I use your idea, you'll be recognized just like BB.**

[30 October 2007]

Uncle Sal and the Championship Bout (Episode 12)

Uncle Sal entered the Crow Bar and was greeted by one of the regulars, Hubie, who always sat in the same stool at the end of the bar. "Sal, did you watch the match?"

"What match?"

"The boxing match. You know, Songstad versus Birdsong. The Swedish Swashbuckler lost in a split decision against the Fostoria Flash."

Uncle Sal picked up his pint glass from the bar and felt a cold drop of condensation fall onto the leg of his lime green leisure suit. "More like the Swedish Meatball and the Fostoria Flop."

"Whatta ya mean? You didn't think it was a good fight?"

"Of course not. It was the worst thing I ever saw. Those two tomato cans, all they did was dance around and clutch each other the entire time. And when they did throw a punch, they were nowhere near hitting the other guy. Those dang palookas, they couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat. How they get off charging fifty bucks to watch something like that on television, I'll never know. Both of those boxers are an embarrassment to the sport. And it ain't easy to embarrass boxing."

"They're already talking about a rematch. I'm telling ya, I can't wait for that."

"I can. If there is a rematch, ain't no way I'm watching it. I already seen that mess and I know two songs don't make a fight."

This episode featured:
Phil Rupp as Uncle Sal
Tommy Plummer as Hubie
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pint glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "No, I wouldn't like fries with that."

[23 October 2007]

Uncle Sal's Winter Solstice Barbecue (Episode 11)

Uncle Sal speared a steak with his long barbecue fork and turned it over on the grill.

"Sal, why on earth ya gotta have a barbecue in winter?" asked his pinochle partner Joe. "Even my hair is freezing."

"Don't make no sense to have a barbecue like this if you're only gonna use it a few months outta the year. Yer gonna have something as fine as this here grill, ya gotta use it year-round. Besides, everyone's having a great time. Get yerself another hot toddy if yer cold."

"I notice it's too cold for you to wear one of your robes. Where did you find a periwinkle leisure suit?"

"Never you mind that. Help me marinate some of them steaks."

"I'll help you, Sal," came a voice from behind him. He turned to see Florine Saldivar bundled up in a big coat with a scarf, and a fleece hat that somehow managed to contain her voluminous brown hair.

"Oh. Hello, Florine. You don't really have to do that. Joe, he's a world class grillmaster."

She leaned close and kissed his cheek, then took the basting brush and went to work on some of the meat on the grill. "I know I don't have to do it. I want to." She stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Sal and gave him the occasional lascivious leer as she tended the meat. "The hot toddies are just perfect for a night like this. I hardly feel cold at all. Of course, I know what would warm me up even more."

A cold wind gusted and blew the end of Florine's scarf onto the only part of the grill not covered with meat. Uncle Sal quickly grabbed the scarf from around her neck, threw it to the ground and doused it with some of the water he kept by the grill. She held the scarf up and looked at it as though it were her dog that had just been run over by a car. "My scarf!"

"Don't worry. It didn't get on any of the meat. And I put it out as quickly as I could."

"But...it's ruined. I can't fix this. It's..."

"Awww quit yer bellyachin'. You didn't get hurt. It's just a scarf. You know what they say, no use sighing over grilled silk."

This episode featured:
Cal E. Flower as Uncle Sal
Augustus Galvan as Joe
Jamie Jolly as Florine Saldivar
and
Jellybean Merengue as the barbecue fork

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Ninety percent of chess is half-mental."

[16 October 2007]

Uncle Sal and Disco Inferno (Episode 10)

Uncle Sal, in his purple paisley pajamas, walked into the 10 of Clubs and saw Giacomo counting the tips from his jar at the third annual Disco Inferno Bash.

"Giacomo, when ya gonna get your car fixed? I ain't about to come to this dump and get you at 2:30 every morning."

"It'll be fixed later today so you won't have to worry about picking me up anymore."

"I sure hope so. I oughta be in bed."

Giacomo reached down and said, "Look what someone lost tonight! Isn't it great?" Some water trickled from the heel as he placed a platform shoe on the bar.

"Jeez, it's hideous! And why is it dripping?"

"C'mon Uncle Sal. It was a disco inferno party. So someone wore platform shoes, and you know, you can put goldfish in them. I'm going to keep it."

Before Sal could ask why Giacomo wanted a platform shoe, a skinny barefoot woman with bleached blonde hair entered the bar. She wobbled toward Giacomo, then steadied herself against the edge of the bar. She pointed an accusing finger at Giacomo and said, "Your club is terrible! I'm never coming back here again."

"You're here now."

"Don't interrupt me, you booze-slinging slug. This club is absolutely awful. I was nearly molested by some twenty-one year old in a butter-colored leisure suit. Your drinks were watered down and frankly I find the smell of this place unsavory. Not to mention that you have something that belongs to me."

"I do?"

"That shoe is mine and I would like it back."

"I was going to use that shoe for a fishbowl. Anyway, how do I know it's yours?"

The woman reached for the shoe and slid her foot inside. She lifted her foot as high as she could manage and said, "Ta-daaaa!"

Uncle Sal said, "Well, what do you know about that? The leaky heel fits the beast."

This episode featured:
Artie Choke as Uncle Sal
Jim Shue as Giacomo
Minnie Mazola as the blonde woman
and
Jellybean Merengue as the tip jar

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Fourteen is my limit on schnitzengruben!"

[9 October 2007]

Uncle Sal and the Ad Wizard (Episode 9)

Uncle Sal opened the door whose window was painted with Heard Advertising Agency in bold red letters. He strolled to the office of Harrison Heard Jr. and poked his head inside.

"Harry, aren't you ready to go to lunch?"

Harry drummed his fingers on his desk blotter. "No, I'm not. Close the door. There's something I want to talk to you about."

As Uncle Sal walked to the door, he said, "Couldn't we talk over a nice pastrami on toasted rye? With a pickle on the side?"

"No, I don't want to talk about this at the deli."

Uncle Sal sat facing Harry and smoothed his avocado-colored robe.

"We went to the reading of my dad's will yesterday, and my dad bequeathed the business to Harvey. Do you believe that? I'm the one that's here twelve hours a day busting my hump. I'm the one that came up with that ad campaign for Spud's Beer. That one destroyed. It put them back on the map. I mean, let's face it. Most people had forgotten about Spud's before my ad campaign. And my dad wants to give the business to my twitchy, nervous brother? Have you seen the way his eyes are always darting back and forth?" Harry lowered his voice to a whisper, "I think he's on drugs."

"That's what you want to talk to me about? What for? What can I do about it?"

"Can't you talk to your lawyer friend?"

"Well, sure. I can talk to him whenever I want, but I don't see what good it'll do you."

Harry stared at the pen that served as a bridge between his two index fingers as Sal continued, "He can't go back in time and change your old man's will. Seems to me like the squirrelly Heard gets the firm."

This episode featured
Buck Naked as Uncle Sal
Santos Rodriquez as Harry Heard Jr.
and
Jellybean Merengue as the desk blotter

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I think you heard me just fine, Punchy."

[1 October 2007]

Uncle Sal and the Lost Hundred (Episode 8)

Uncle Sal stood next to the barrier separating the sidewalk from the road crew and zipped his beige Members Only jacket against the wind. After zipping up, he pressed his cornflower blue robe against his legs to prevent exposing himself to everyone on the street.

Something green fluttered and landed at Uncle Sal's feet. His friend Blaine immediately stepped on it to prevent it from blowing away, then picked it up and showed it to Sal.

"Will you look at that? How lucky am I?"

Sal looked and said, "Pretty darn lucky, I'd say. I never seen a hunnerd dollar bill floatin' around like that. Biggest I ever found was a fiver."

"I know! Amazing, right? I mean, a hundred dollar bill just dropping from somewhere? What are the odds?"

Blaine opened his wallet and was just about to place the bill behind his BPOE (Brotherhood of Purple Onion Eaters) membership card, when a gust of wind plucked it from his fingertips and blew it onto the street. Sal and Blaine watched as the bill tumbled into a pothole. Before he could say anything, the road crew threw hot blacktop onto the hole and the steamroller made the bill a part of the road.

"Awwwwww crud! Do you believe that? A flipping hundred dollar bill floats out of the sky and I can't even get it into my wallet before it's gone forever. It couldn't land at the curb or near a car tire. It had to go right into the next pothole to be paved. And since when do these Department of Transportation guys ever do any work?"

"Well, ain't no use crying over it. A Benny paved is a Benny burned."

This episode featured:
Virgil Henry as Uncle Sal
Moe P. Sadsach as Blaine
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Members Only Jacket

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Once I was the King of Spain."

[25 September 2007]

Uncle Sal Goes to a Garage Sale (Episode 7)

Uncle Sal walked around the table, looking at the items for sale. He saw the usual clothes and books as well as the unusual things like a 12-inch Loch Ness Monster action figure. Nothing was really catching his eye, not that he was surprised since it was Red's garage sale. He had never been convinced of Red's tastes. Then he saw the two items that were surely the prize of the sale: an autographed picture of a famous boxer and a circa 1977 24-inch color TV with a built-in hard plastic stand. He walked over to where Red had the cash box and said, "Well, Red, I'll just be taking that autographed picture of LaMotta and the television."

"Let's see here. That's forty and thirty-five. Seventy-five bucks altogether, Sal."

Not having any pockets for a wallet in his salmon-colored robe, Uncle Sal took the money pouch from around his neck and opened it.

"I'll give you sixty-three."

"Sal, that's a television and an autographed photo of LaMotta. I don't think seventy-five is too much to ask."

"But I only have sixty-three with me. Besides, this is a garage sale. Everyone knows that you're supposed to haggle at a garage sale. I'll give you sixty-three."

"I realize it's a garage sale. It's my garage and my stuff. But you're trying to tell me you'll give me twelve dollars less than what I'm asking. It's a garage sale, but I'm not gonna let you cheat me."

Uncle Sal raised his fist and said, "Cheat you? I never cheated nobody and I ain't gonna start now! I'm offering all the money I have on me."

"Which isn't sufficient in my opinion." Red tended to some other customers, then looked at Uncle Sal who was muttering to himself as he continued to eyeball the items he wanted.

"Look, Sal. It's real simple. Which one do you want more? I'll be glad to sell that to you, but..."

Uncle Sal stroked his chin, "Yeah, I see what your saying. I can't have your Jake and Zenith too."

This episode featured:
Joey Schabadoo as Uncle Sal
Manny Zedozie as Red
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Loch Ness Monster action figure

Tune in next week and hear Uncle Sal say, "Getcher hands off me, you dirty ape!"

[17 September 2007]

Uncle Sal Meets the Girlfriend (Episode 6)

Uncle Sal opened the door and saw his nephew standing next to a voluptuous woman in a low-cut polka dot blouse and a short black skirt.

"Good to see you again," Giacomo said, shaking his uncle's hand. He stepped inside and heard the familiar strains of Jim Nabors coming from the stereo. "I want you to meet my girlfriend Gina."

Uncle Sal took Gina's hand and kissed it. "Pleasure to meet you, my dear. You two have a seat. I'm just getting dinner ready."

Gina and Giacomo sat down on the sofa as Uncle Sal returned to the kitchen. She asked what was the deal with the magenta robe and Giacomo told her it was a long story. She looked at the walls and saw Uncle Sal in photos with famous athletes and politicians. To her right was a picture of him in his police uniform. "Your uncle looks like he's done a lot in his life."

"You have no idea."

Poking his head into the living room, Uncle Sal called Gina and Giacomo to the table to eat. She looked at the turkey sandwich on her plate and raised an eyebrow. Uncle Sal waited for his guests to start eating, but Gina didn't make a move to pick up her sandwich.

"You don't like turkey?"

"No, it's not that."

"What then? The tomatoes? The lettuce? The Dijon mustard? Giacomo, did you find yourself a finicky woman? Say, that reminds me of a joke I heard at the bar. What's the difference between your woman and a cat? One is a finicky eater who doesn't care if you die, and the other uses a litterbox."

Uncle Sal slapped his thigh and laughed, oblivious to the glare he was receiving from both his visitors. She cleared her throat and said, "No, it's none of those things. It's just that Giacomo told me your specialty is mutton chops. I guess I was just looking for that."

"Ah, Giacomo is right. Mutton is my specialty. But frankly, harlot, I don't have a lamb."

This episode featured
Jim Schwartz as Uncle Sal
Bobo Cardy as Giacomo
Margarita Saltz as Gina
and
Jellybean Merengue as the turkey sandwich

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Here we are. That's Agua Caliente."

[11 September 2007]